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| advice please |
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| safa |
| 05/31/04 at 12:29:16 |
| [slm] I turned 20 last week & i will b graduating next year. I was all set 2 do my MS and everything & now my parents drop the bombshell on me, telling me 2 get married. My bro says i will b losing chances of getting the right guy, with every day that passes by. Also that, Islamically it is my duty 2 get married now. That it is not the woman's duty 2 have a career but the man's. That it is the woman's duty 2 marry & raise Islamially upright children. Inherently, i know he is right, but i just can't for the life of me, visualise myself married. Tell me sisters, what does marriage do 4 ur ego, ur independence, and all the rest? Ur very, very miserable & depressed sister Been ages since my last post, glad i finally did it. |
| Re: advice please |
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| Trustworthy |
| 05/31/04 at 19:38:38 |
| [wlm].... Awwwe Here have a [] sis. The success of your marraige all depends on you and your spouse. If you both adhere to Islamic rules and know your rights towards one another then you have no problem. But if you have a controlling husband....not to scare you or nothing...he'll afflict you with a lot of his rules. I don't know where to go with that. However, if you have a "perfect" "Muslim" husband like religious wise...then he'll know how to treat you. There's a thread in here about lowering your standards in a spouse. Check it out. Maybe that will give you some insight. Also check other threads as well about these kind of things. This is how it should go after you marry: You will still have freedom but limited because it's not like before where you have no one to think about at home. Your husband and home is trusted to you. You should get an Islamic book on marraige ettiqettes (sp?), it should tell you what your rights are and go from there. Don't look to marraige as a trap because something that is good for you from Allah (SWT) is always the latter. Marraige is a beautiful thing....you just have to know how to make it so. And Allah (SWT) does not make it hard on His (SWT) believers, just know your rights. If you're not ready, 20 is not an old maiden. I've known Muslimahs who marry older find it easier to and those that marry young, find it a difficult challenge, yet those that know how to make it work have happy endings. Advice...don't go into it blindly. And please don't take this as a discouragement. My Mum said this to me, "When you were younger I made rules for you because you didn't know how to make your own "righteous" rules. But now that your older and you know better, make your own rules, "righteous" rules. Allahu Alim." She said it in our language which basically translates to "It is your responsibility now to do what is right. You're an adult, make adult choices. And Allah (SWT) knows best." Now mind you she said this to me when I was 26 which was not too long ago. The thing is "Children" marry young, "Adults" marry older. All in all, marraige is good for you. It is up to you to decide when. Ma-asalaamah..... |
| 05/31/04 at 19:42:01 |
| Trustworthy |
| Re: advice please |
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| pearl |
| 05/31/04 at 21:02:50 |
| [quote] My bro says i will b losing chances of getting the right guy, with every day that passes by.[/quote] [slm] You are a human being, not a carton of milk. You don't have an expiration date! [quote]Islamically it is my duty 2 get married now.[/quote] According to what/who? Why now and not 2-3 years from now? You're only 20. That's not exactly "old." [quote] That it is not the woman's duty 2 have a career but the man's. That it is the woman's duty 2 marry & raise Islamically upright children.[/quote] True, but it's still a good idea to have a marketable skill and the ability to earn a good living. Couples do get divorced sometimes. And the divorcee or widow who cannot support herself is at a great disadvantage. Also, although it's not Islamically required, perhaps a wife's income will be needed during the marriage. Plus, what if the wife does not want to stay home 24/7 and she wants to have a career outside the home? Staying home is not a requirement, especially before the kids come or after they start school. Some husbands object to having a wife who works, but many do not have a problem with it, especially if they know their wife enjoys what she does. [quote]I just can't for the life of me, visualise myself married. [/quote] Maybe you can convince your family that it's just not time yet? [quote]Tell me sisters, what does marriage do 4 ur ego, ur independence, and all the rest?[/quote] For both brothers and sisters, marriage means less freedom and more responsibility. In whatever you do, you have to consider your spouse and your kids. However, the emotional and intimate aspects are awesome, and if you marry the right person, you will not miss being single. But, like Trustworthy says, things might get difficult if the brother feels the need to control everything. If you are serious about getting your MS, you might want to go ahead and get it before marriage. If you marry and start having kids right away, you can still get the MS, but it'll be a lot harder and probably take longer. Do your folks have a particular man in mind for you? Who knows... they might suggest someone who is able to change your mind! [quote]Ur very, very miserable & depressed sister. [/quote] Cheer up. Have a [] InshaAllah, all is not lost! Pearl :-) |
| Re: advice please |
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| Caraj |
| 06/01/04 at 01:25:53 |
| WHAT IS IT with parents shoving marriage down young womens throats??? ??? Sister, I have been on this board nearly 3 years now and I cannot begin to tell you how many felt forced into marriage to regret it later. I know, I have had personal messages not to mention those who posted on the board later. If you are not ready, you are not ready. Please be firm while remaining respectful and explain you are just not ready. I love Pearls comment, you are not milk, you have no expiration date :D Maybe you explain that you are not ready and therefor if forced into it may later regret it and then hug your parents neck and say And I know you want me happy and would never want me to do anything in haste that can cause me much unhappiness later. (guilt trip hehe) Maybe you can agree to keep an open mind if they promise not to force the issue and back you into a corner. I wish you the best Sis, be respectful but remain firm. There was a post I did and if I can find it I'll let you know where it is. It said something like: What kind of life sentence do you want? Even though you want to be respectful, remember YOU are the one who has to put up with, deal with and sleep with a husband, not your parents. |
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| hussaia |
| 06/01/04 at 02:25:11 |
| Salam, I would like insert my input here as well, Sis i am advising you to get a man if possible, but think about it as a muslim who practice islam, pls think of your future. Peace 8) |
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| safa |
| 06/01/04 at 06:55:16 |
| [slm] Thanks y'all. Telling my parents 2 leave me alone for a couple of years is not really an option. Fact is, they've been through a lot. Both my elder brothers married girls who weren't particularly good practicers of Islam, they neither offered Salah nor wore the hijab. They did do both, after they were told by their husbands, but it is very obvious, they r doing so because they r forced 2 & not because they actually want 2. The fact that my parents' opinions weren't considered, hurt them both immensely. Added 2 that, the standards of both women. So now basically they r terrified i will do the same. They have been 4 a long time, getting suspicious of any guy around the place and stuff like that. So they have good reason 4 their paranoia. And now that i am nearing graduation, they think they had better start hunting. Actually the best practical advice i have heard is what sis pearl said about checking out the guys they actually do come up with. They just might come up with someone who wil change my mind. Its just that i have always been the ambitious sort, academically good & stuff like that. I had always pictured myself married only after i got a postgrad degree. I am sure my parents had sorta pictured it that way as well, but then my bros' marriages were completely bolts out of the blue, & they seem 2 have revised their plans 4 me. Actually my parents & i live in separate countries (am studying away from home), so communication is basically restricted 2 sms & email, which is sort of a blessing in a pitiful sort of way, because communication lines in my family have broken down so much (for all the above reasons), that none of us can really bear 2 have a conversation face 2 face. Anyway, i told them, fine, come up with ur guys, but don't force anyone on me, i will make my own decision. I have always set very high standards 4 myself, so... I don't know what i am gonna do. Just please do pray 4 me. |
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| Maryam |
| 06/01/04 at 18:17:18 |
| [slm]Safa, You sound like a very reasonable person and a considerate one too to be thinking of your parents' wishes. But sometimes you have to put yourself first. Not to disrespect you or your parents, but you do not have to bear the burden of your brothers' mistakes. I've been through the feelings of my parents' disappointment over my brothers and that only made me want to make them happy even more. That was a good thing. But unfortunately, I believe I went to far with trying to please them. I didn't want to diappoint them either, so even after months of unsuccessful tries to reject my cousin as their marriage pick for me, guess what? Today, it's been 6 months that I'm married to the very same cousin. And sadly, we're not happy. Both me and my husband are not bad people, but we're just wrong for each other. God forbid we have children under these circumstances, I couldn't bear the thought of someone having to put up with the consequences of thier elders. That is the only reason I am responding to your thread, I just don't want any other person to go through what I haven been going through in this past year of my life. Fact is that when I went against them, or showed my wishes for a mate, they had somewhat of a same reaction as one of my brothers' disappointing them. Imagine how it made me feel, that I have been doing everything to the T as what I've always been told and now that it comes to making the big decision of my life and I am not being taken seriously. Someone has said such a true thing... Girls have no will, no choice... That was my situation at the time. So, in the hopes of not disappointing them and being labeled as disobedient or what have you... I felt obligated to get married, because I didn't want to disappoint them the way my brothers had. I got married without wanting to. You see, girls have a special consideration for their parents and that's why they also don't let them know how thier dicision is hurting their daughters everyday. The marriage went on, I put on a happy face, but since then, I have not been the same person. I was hurt that they put me in the same circle as they did with my brothers... that I'm not obedient, not respectful, have gone americanized... Well, the truth is, I hadn't. They are the ones who taught me to open up about my thoughts, and express my likes and dislikes. But when I did, they turned at me. In the hopes of being miss Goodie, so not to disobey them, in the end, I've been hurt, my husband is hurt, and things are just not the same. My security blanket, and my innocent view on life has completely changed. There's no worst feeling than knowing that you can't trust and depend on your own family. Once that was lost, everything was lost for me. I'm not posting this to discourage you Safa, but to let you know what is involved and what may be at stake here. Since you mentioned that your away from your family and that communication is scarce... this could permanently damage the relationships if things don't work out. Just put everything in perspective, you're away from home and your brothers have had a hand in molding your parents' thinking... you're feeling a little distant from the family, so you may feel obliged to do as they say. What your parents or your family says or thinks of you, has a powerful effect on your actions. I think it's a good idea that you are willing to look at their choices, but in the end, please make your selection based on what you want, not what you DON'T want. You're not old, be patient. It's the greatest of virtues. And remember, eventhough it might be the duty of a husband to earn and provide, a well-rounded educated mother can be greatest assest to a society which includes her children. Wish you all the happiness and my prayers are with you. [wlm] |
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| pearl |
| 06/01/04 at 20:37:10 |
| [quote]Its just that i have always been the ambitious sort, academically good & stuff like that. I had always pictured myself married only after i got a postgrad degree. [/quote] [slm] Dear Sis Safa -- Many sisters stipulate in their marriage contract that they will be able to complete their academic degrees. You might also request that your tuition be included in your mahr. Just a thought... Pearl :-) |
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| traveller |
| 06/01/04 at 22:59:42 |
| [slm] Just to add to the previous replies, marriage is not necessarily mutually exclusive with school, providing that your husband is supportive of your studies. I completed an M.Sc. and am now finishing my 5th year in a Ph.D. program, all after being married. It is important to be ready, to know your rights and responsibilities in marriage, and to know what you are getting into, and to be very forthright and honest when looking for a potential spouse about what your goals and aspirations are. Also, perhaps a heart-to-heart with your parents might help reassure them, and, even if they don't stop looking for hubby-to-be for you, they will consider your academic goals while doing so? wasalaam, hope |
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| safa |
| 06/05/04 at 09:01:00 |
| [slm] Just thought u guys might wanna know... Sent my parents two very long emails bout how i will never marry anyone not of their choice, how i will never fail them, and how i am not ready for marriage at the moment, and all that. When i didn't get a reply fast enough, i just picked up the phone, and asked them what their decision was. Turns out they weren't really all that bent on the marriage bit, it was my bro who was sorta pressuring them on getting me married. Why is there always one set of rules for the girlfriends and another for the sisters?? Anyway, i told them 2 tell my bro 2 leave me alone (thought it would b better coming from them than from me). And i have decided 2 just pick up the phone whenever there is a problem. Email just doesnt seem 2 quite do the trick. Jazakh Allah Khair y'all 4 ur advice. I do realise that even if i did get married 4 my parents' sake, my heart just wouldn't b in it. And that is the most awful way 2 start a marriage. |
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| theOriginal |
| 06/05/04 at 11:40:15 |
| [slm] wait wait wait...hold up.... So your parents have someone in mind? Or is this just one of those "yeah you should get married". Don't rule out your parents' choices, they only want the best for you, inshaAllah. Seriously, there's nothing wrong in saying "no" to a particular person, but saying "no" to marriage is not realistic. And who said that you can't do your MS and be married, and have kids, and have a job? You can do all of those things IF you really want to. Okay so a really good friend of mine, her mom right? MashaAllah that lady got married when she was 16. She was shipped off from Palestine to Saudi, where her husband was some real hot shot typa guy. Anywayyy, so this woman (man, she just absolutely AMAZES me) had nine kids. I mean NINE. Like three times three, nine. Yeah like, that's a lot of kids, mashaAllah. Anyway, after she got married, her husband (my friend's dad) said to her that he didn't marry her to stop her from reaching her goals. He married her to help her reach them. So she went to school. By the time she was 27, she had done her PhD, mashaAllah. She had a few kids at the time, and she started teaching. And she worked her whole life. And when my friend was telling me about her mom, she had tears in her eyes when she said "and I don't remember ONE day when there wasn't a meal on our table." *sigh*. Yeah so mashaAllah, isn't that amazing? You can do it, sister safa, you can do it!! Oh and don't make your parents unhappy by lashing out on them or anything. Take it easy, make informed decisions, do the istikhara, don't fall in love until the the nikkah's done :P Wasalaam. |
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| Sunnah_ |
| 06/07/04 at 13:30:34 |
| Salam sis! Goodluck to you, inshallah khair. I just wanted to add my support for the idea of giving your parents pick of guys a chance. YOU NEVER KNOW, one of them could be the one that changes your mind.............. I didn't know if I was ready or not......but when I knew my fiance was the right one, I was more ready than I ever thought. You are in my dua's Sis Sunnah_ |
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