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| High school sweethearts!? |
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| Anonymous |
| 06/01/04 at 13:23:13 |
| assalamu alaikum today my mom went through my 17 year old brother's bookbag and she found a love letter that my brother had written to this girl in his high school. and my mom found lots of other things that shouldn't have been there. and recently, he didnt log out of his hotmail account and my sister found an email from his i guess "girlfriend" who was all sad about how she didnt get a hug from him in school that day. astaghfirullah my mom wants me, as his older sister, to confront him about it, but i dont think thats such a good idea. any of you have any advice on what to do with messed up teenagers? especially when they're at this stage where its almost too late to do anything...it's so frustrating, i dont even know how to confront this issue. plus my 2nd brother copies everything that the older brother does, which is really scary. what i did was just rip up the love letter and throw it out, took one of his music CDs and threw that out too. and took out the candy he had brought as a gift for the girl and kept it with me for now, dont know if i should show it to him or throw it out too. my mom wants me to show it to him. but i dont think that will make a difference. he's the kind that will just curse you out and end the conversation with rude remarks. i dont know how you can fix kids when they've gotten this much out of hand. taking them back "home" [meaning the parent's country] is what my dad's solution is. but i think once ure messed up, u'll be messed up anywhere and not like this doesnt happen back home. what should i do? |
| Re: High school sweethearts!? |
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| jannah |
| 06/01/04 at 15:43:55 |
| [wlm] I have to say that a sister, even if a few years older, is not an authority figure for a teenage boy. His parents need to step up and discipline/educate him, even if he is a bit old to educate at this late date. You can do some things but mostly I think you should encourage your parents to step up inshaAllah... |
| Re: High school sweethearts!? |
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| ltcorpest2 |
| 06/01/04 at 16:27:35 |
| took out the candy he had brought as a gift for the girl and kept it with me for now, dont know if i should show it to him or throw it out too. my mom If it was me I would keep the candy, especially if it is chocolate. Another solution is to send it to me for safekeeping. on a more serious vein, If it is almost too late, then it is too late. Everyone will make their own choices and learn from them. Better the parents than you making the discipline though. As a teenage boy the listening stage is over. All you can do is show the proper way and pray. |
| Re: High school sweethearts!? |
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| sal |
| 06/02/04 at 19:27:02 |
| [slm]Try not to expose to him you have got his secrets and therefore you are reacting against him for his mistakes once you now know what he is doing try to find him another way of occupying him until there will be created a new thing that can share his time he is offering to letter writing or meeting her The less he has time to be able to do this. the more the relation loses strength Love in this age and in such youth description is a matter of addiction and not a true thing, so it is possible to bring this state back to normal provided you use smooth and wise tactics and not rough way This happens so often in many families so dont take it as if he is no more a right creature .just be wise and flexible (you all to him) And inshallah everything will be ok |
| 06/02/04 at 19:29:40 |
| sal |
| Re: High school sweethearts!? |
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| chiq |
| 06/02/04 at 19:35:31 |
| [slm] Mmm...been there...only recently got over that, did my bro (I think ??? :() Strikes me that what my bro hates most is an invasion on his privacy...he feels it like shards of light piercing his eyes into shocked wakefulness just as he drops into sleep's deepest point...which is to say it is blinding, painful, totally unhelpful. And I must say I understand that. What was the use of all those "lessons" my parents, may Allah bless them, threw at him in exposure? Just a further battering of his pride which, incidentally, he knew in his heart of hearts was exactly what was happening whenever he allowed himself the indulgence of...play, I suppose, with some hussy or other... In our case, it took a big slap in the face that I pray no one ever has to go through: circumstance forced him to consider the consequences of another man acting out his fantasies on his own sister... A stark image, and one which Rasullullah [saw] wove most beautifully into his advice to a good but lustful young man over fourteen hundred years ago as a matter of fact. I'll post it if I can find it inshallah... Wasalaam :-) |
| 06/02/04 at 19:37:32 |
| chiq |
| Re: High school sweethearts!? |
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| lucid9 |
| 06/03/04 at 06:34:35 |
| [slm] Send him the the ALIM summer camp in Michigan this summer. It starts in the middle of june, lasts for a month, and costs $1100. It works wonders. You shouldn't worry that much his fooling around. You should worry about his deceit, and more generally his faith. People like this don't remain muslims always. But if they come from a good supportive family, in about 10 years after they've tried everything and found the hedonistic lifestyle still wanting, they usually come back and become more islamically normal. But the scars of the unislamic behaviour always remain. |
| Re: High school sweethearts!? |
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| pakiprncess |
| 06/03/04 at 11:54:56 |
| [slm] i'd suggest you speak to him yourself only if youre close to him. as for me and my bro, i know he would prefer to hear such news from me. the last time my bro did something foolish (talking inappropriately with a girl online and leaving the IM up when i came back to the comp), i told him that im not Allah, but from what i saw, i thought he was doing the wrong thing and he should reconsider his actions. since my bro is in his late teens, he took the mild warning to heart and has since then even reduced going online. i think the fact that i brought it up to him as his personal decision to make a mistake made him more approachable than if i had run out of the room and started screaming at him, "why, you dirty little &*#^)*@^#!" however, if you feel that talking to your bro will cause further problems, i would suggest you let mom n dad handle it. although im not sure what to make of your dads comment to go back home..... are there no girls where youre from? :P |
| Re: High school sweethearts!? |
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| theOriginal |
| 06/05/04 at 11:21:32 |
| [slm] I completely agree with pakiprincess. Don't alienate him by ripping up the love letter and throwing out his music CDs. Man that's just not nice, and lacking etiquette for proper advice. Look honestly, I hated being a teenager, and all I can say is that I am SO GLAD it's over, and now that it's over, it's almost as if I've already forgotten what it was like to hate the world. But the truth is that all teenagers are a whole load of pent up anger and frustration, and sometimes all they need is someone to treat them with respect and kindness. What needs to be concentrated on is his lack of communication with you and your parents, not the fact that he has a girlfriend. Maybe I'm wrong, but realistically speaking, how long do you think that girl's going to last in his life? A week? A month? Enough time for a lot to happen, but not if you and your family are communicating a strong message to him. That you are there for him, and that what he is doing is unethical, unislamic, insincere -- plainly, just wrong. And if not the girl, then he'll find something else. Another girl, a quick fix -- and if you don't deal with the larger issue at hand, all you'll end up with is a brother who is just getting better at lying and hiding things from you. Sending him "back home"...is the most AWFUL idea for disciplining teenagers, because they've learned to think at this point in their lives, and that's not something "back home" will change. I don't know what you should do, but don't get angry at him. Maybe you should just tell him that you found out. Tell him you want to meet the girl. If she's that important to him in his life, you want to get to know her. He'll probably refuse, then you can give him a mini-lecture on Islam, and how it encourages us to be truthful and sincere to everyone around us. And by doing this, he's actually being insincere to everyone, including the girl. May Allah give him Hidayah. Wasalaam. |
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