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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Need some advice |
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| Saam |
| 06/10/04 at 14:34:48 |
| [slm] Yaa brothers and sisters, life is very difficult sometimes. Here is my situation... My cousin is getting married this summer, and my familiy had been invited. The plan was that I would go with my parents in July. Normally I live far from home at college; in late May, I came home from college to visit my family for 2 weeks. Since they had last seen me, I had let my beard grow, and now it is quite long (at least in their eyes, but it's not even fist-length yet). So just a few days ago, my parents call me and say that they would love for me to still come with them to the wedding, but they cannot have me go with them with my current appearance. They said, if I wanted to go, I would have to shave; because they were afraid my looks would make my cousin's family feel uncomfortable and that they would be embarrassed of my family. I told my parents how I longed to see my uncle and cousin and their family, and asked them to simply accept me the way I look. I even said that if they want, they can call my cousin's family and tell them that I look the way I do, and if my cousin then does not want me to come, then I wouldn't come. But they felt that would be inappropriate. My father called me again in a few days and said that it would be fine if I simply cut my beard so it would look more "normal." I told him that I cannot do this, since it would be compromising my submission to God; my beard has yet to grow to the minimum length. I asked him please not to put me in the situation where I would have to choose between seeing my family and following my deen, but he did not understand. He even said that I am actively distancing myself from thei. I feel I am being pushed away. The way I understand it, having a beard is mandatory upon males, and the minimum length before cutting should be fist-length. That's what I understand is the opinion of the vast majority of the 'ulema, and of all four Imams. I know there is a difference of opinion amongst some Muslims on this issue, but at least this is the majority opinion of the 'ulema, and having researched the issue thoroughly, I feel strongly that this is what is mandatory. I think it would be a grave mistake for me to compromise this or any part of my deen for anything of this world, including seeing my family. I just feel like I am stuck between and rock and a hard place; I want to see my family, but I cannot compromise my deen for them. Any advice about how to deal with this would be helpful. Du'a from you guys would be the most helpful! [slm] Saam ;-) |
| 06/10/04 at 14:38:40 |
| Saam |
| Re: Need some advice |
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| Kathy |
| 06/11/04 at 08:49:19 |
| [slm] Just did not want you to think that no one cares to answer your thread. I just have no knowledgable advice for you. Did you talk to your Imam about it? |
| Re: Need some advice |
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| Mona |
| 06/11/04 at 09:19:45 |
| [slm] I say go a week ahead of time. your family and your uncle's should get used to your new look by this time. you should not apologize for your choices, as long as you have a good evidence for them being within the sunnah, otherwise your credibility is lost. you also should avoid being too confident and arrogant about it, saying that you are right and they are wrong, because that just proves that you have a beard and no manners! during the week, you may want to bring up the issue with your uncle. talk to him openly as an adult, but respecting the fact that he is older than you. if you sense that there is some unease then don't stay for the wedding because you will most likely be unwelcome. make an excuse for leaving, without throwing a fit about it. in time things will get resolved, hopefully. if the uncle accepts you as you are, then your problem is solved. you just have to find out for yourself. Take care wassalam Mona |
| 06/11/04 at 09:21:14 |
| Mona |
| Re: Need some advice |
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| onemuslimgirl |
| 06/11/04 at 22:58:54 |
| i agree with sr. Mona...great minds of great names think alike *smile* |
| Re: Need some advice |
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| se7en |
| 06/12/04 at 00:06:25 |
| as salaamu alaykum, Here's a thread from Sh. Muhammad Al-Shareef's message board that discusses a similar situation -- http://forums.almaghrib.org/showthread.php?t=1015 I hope it's beneficial for you insha'Allah :) Also, a suggestion -- make sure you are dressed nicely and neatly when you visit your parents. Having a long beard doesn't mean that you can't look stylish or well put together, especially if you keep your beard and hair neatly combed and clean, your clothes ironed, etc. may Allah make things easy for you, wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah :) |
| 06/12/04 at 00:07:10 |
| se7en |
| Re: Need some advice |
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| timbuktu |
| 06/12/04 at 13:02:24 |
| [slm] Pleasing Allah (swt) comes before everything else, and Allah (swt) is pleased with the Sunnah of the prophet (saw). be polite and nice to everyone, but stick to your position. |
| 06/12/04 at 13:04:19 |
| timbuktu |
| Re: Need some advice |
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| sal |
| 06/12/04 at 13:33:13 |
| [slm] We are obliged to obey parents but if the case reaches between chosing ALLAH’S pleasure and your parent’s then chose ALLA’S because this is their limit It is not allowed to obey to please creatures on the expense of annoying ALLAH I recommend not to go since as long as they are against your islamic look you might probably face things that again upsets you ,so this may decrease the degree of your respect to them that might affect your relation to the worse .so let the point of your disagreement stay at this point for the time being It seems to me you are aware of their right over you so I am not worried things will go worse and may ALLAH be with you |
| 06/12/04 at 13:35:55 |
| sal |
| Re: Need some advice |
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| Stephanie |
| 06/14/04 at 02:20:56 |
| [slm] Why delete it? It's very good advice, and others deserve to read it :) [wlm] :-) |
| Re: Need some advice |
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| MIT |
| 06/14/04 at 05:18:10 |
| assalaamu alaikum Dear Saam My advice is that you should keep it. If you give in now, you run the risk of giving your family the green light to object to other aspects of your Islamic practice, and what will you do then? At the same time, increase in your obedience and love of them in other areas to try and 'make up' to them for the fact that you won't be heeding this particular advice of theirs. |
| NS |
| Re: Need some advice |
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| timbuktu |
| 06/15/04 at 11:20:14 |
| [slm] keeping the beard is not something that the prophet [saw] did only for himself. He specifically asked us to leave the beard alone, but to trim the mustache. I found the Hadith on islamone.net, but am unable to trace it now. It is probably in the Fatwa section. Strength in faith comes from persisting against opposition. Be gentle, polite, helpful, obedient in everything except what is againt Islam. I have to struggle too, and mostly I lose out, but when I stick to an islamic position, the faith grows tremendously. |
| Re: Need some advice |
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| yumna |
| 06/16/04 at 13:54:41 |
| ..........i say the same ..keep ur beard ....hey thats ur idnetity no body can take ur identity from u ....... :-) |
| Re: Need some advice |
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| Saam |
| 06/16/04 at 15:40:49 |
| [slm] Jazakallahu khairan for all you guys' advice. I thought about it somemore and talked it over with a few of my friends. They said that even if having a fist-length beard is not mandatory, the fact is that after having looked into the issue, I felt it was, and for me to change my opinion based on this circumstance would be wrong, since it would simply like "picking and choosing" whatever fatwa satisfied me. If I later on find evidence to show me cutting it would be permissible (which I haven't), then if for some reason after that, I decide to cut it, so be it. However, for now, it would not be right to change my stance based on a situation like this. I realized that maybe it would be best not to attend, especially since given this environment, there maybe some haraam things there too, like alcohol. I finally called my parents and told them that though I love and respect them very much, I cannot compromise my deen and would not go to the wedding. My main reason for wanting to go was more to see my family and congratulate them; especially since we haven't seen each other for about 10 years or so. We decided that maybe a week or so after the wedding, I could go visit them and congratulate them. Alhamdulillah, Allah has made it easy for me. Thank you all so much for your advice. Wassalaam, Saam ;-) |
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