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Ready to get married?

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Ready to get married?
Anonymous
06/11/04 at 00:06:25
[slm]

I don’t know where to begin.  I am sorry if you guys find it difficult to understand what
I am trying to express.  I really need to talk or share my thoughts with someone. :( Many
people here are very learned about life and give sound advice.  Please help me. I am
sooooo lost.  :( I don’t know what to do anymore.  Why? Why? Why? Why in life we have
situation when we make a decision that basically determines the rest of the life? Do you know
what I am talking about?

Well, I am in a really difficult situation now.  I don’t know what to do as the decision
I might make now is going to shape my future, someone I care about future, and lots of
little ones’ future.  What I am talking about is, Marriage.  Not just marriage, but
marriage where I would not see my own people.  In order to talk about marriage, first I have to
let you guys know about how I came to this situation.  
Ok.  There this person (say I name him Joe for the sake of explaining) came into my life.  
Joe is wonderful and a practicing Muslim.   He may not be an Islamic Scholar, but he
knows so much about Islam.  I learned a lot from him, not just about Islam but about life in
general.  I admire him so much.  I see him totally differently than how other people see
him.  How other people see him?  Other people see him to be young, not established, not
proper job, not educated (cuz he didn’t go to college), bad tempered, etc.  These people
who think of him this way are the one who I believe are materialistic, superficial, and
think that life in this earth is very important.  Sigh. Am I confusing you guys?  I hope
not.
Anyway, what is happening now is that we are deciding to get married. Actually we wanted
to get married since last October.  We are just waiting to get my mother’s permission.  
She does not want me to marry him.  I talked with other people in my family.  Most of them
do not want it either. But one of my brothers is willing to sit down and talk with him.  
That means a lot to me.  So I am waiting to see what my brother think about him.  Joe and
I also talked with other religious people. One of them is a middle-aged wise person who
knows Joe very well and knows how wonderful he is.  Joe asked for advice and he told Joe
that to get married, especially to be safe from sinning.  Joe and I love each other, a
lot.  I believe he is THE ONE for me.  I just love him selflessly, and with all my heart.  
It does not matter to me that we are not going to have a house, that we are going to rent
only 2 room house, and that we will have to struggle a lot.  I don’t care about richness.  
I never want so much in life.  AS long as I have someone I Love and someone who loves me,
it is more than enough for me.  No one ever has shown me love and caring, not anyone in
my family (I feel).  My mom is never happy with me. Sigh.  

Anyways, I am fed up with everyone deciding for me.  Its nice to have family to help, but
what happens when they force you to marry out of your wish? And when they do not want you
to marry someone who you want? They do not care that this is the one who understand you
and wants an Islamic marriage? They are even willing to do some magical stuff to you so
that you forget the person you love.  I believe the person who my mom will pick for me will
be most likely a doctor or lawyer or someone who is really into life, and do not care
about Islamic marriage.  I write this as none of my brothers in law are religious.  They are
not striving toward Islamic marriage, but to get most out of this life. Sigh.  

Phewwww.  Sorry guys. This is really long, and I should give you guys a break.  So I am
going to finish here.  Please reply to this and tell me what to do.  I am in desperate
need.  Joe and I are soooo ready to get married. What do you guys think?

Please help your lost sister :(
Re: Ready to get married?
UmmWafi
06/11/04 at 02:53:58
[slm] Dear sis

May I know how old you are, where u are at and what you are doing now ie study or work ?  There are reasons for me asking these Inshaa Allah.

Wassalam
Re: Ready to get married?
Caraj
06/11/04 at 03:12:43
Two things worried me in what you said.
One was the words ..... Bad temper.
Others may be seeing something you are not seeing.
Please do not throw caution to the wind. It is easier for you to slow down and
take time than to find out something was there you did not see before marriage.
Another words it is easier to wait now than to deal with it after marriage.

It is good you are not materialistic but a families concern, there is much wisdom to learn from. It is easier to learn from anothers mistakes and also their wisdom than to learn from what I call.THE SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS  :(  It is the school of not listening to others, school of life and school of mistakes.

What is you get pregnet right away? Is two rooms ok then? What if you get pregnet the next year again? Is two rooms going to be ok for you and a husband and 2 children?

I guess what I am saying is I see big red warning flag when someone says they are concerned about his bad temper. It is easy to hide ones  faults before marriage only to have you stunned and shocked later after you're married and have to deal with it.
You will be in my prayer Sister.  Maybe your brother can also talk to others about these concerns, bad temper and finances.
I am speaking from exerience as I also did not listen to people only to find out after I was married that they were right  :(
06/11/04 at 03:14:45
Caraj
Re: Ready to get married?
amatullah
06/11/04 at 05:22:18
[wlm]
I obviously don't know the details of the situation but i am advicing you don't marry joe or anyone against your parents wish. They have more rights on you than anyone else after Allah and His messengar. You try to carry a watermellon on your back for months non-stop. Try to sleep with it on your belly for one night! also throwing out and heart burn and all sorts of painful things. And as you born, you required even more care and attention. How many times they don't sleep because of you? or go to the emergency. If it weren't for Allah's grace and giving you loving parents you might be dead. This is not how Allah wants us to treat people who sacrificed important parts of their own lives for us. We betray them so that we have one dicsion in our own life? The prophet  [saw] once told someone your life and your money all of them belong to your father!

If you want Allah to bless your marriage don't start it with doing something that displeases Him. Wait till your brother talk to the man. If he likes him maybe he can try to convince your parents. If not, you should give it up for the sake of Allah and you should have full yaqeen He will replace him with someone better as He promised.  Maybe if it is true that your mom will pick a dr or lawyer..he will be zahid and a pious person. Allah loves a strong Mu'min more than a weak one even though there is much good in both. I know many of my hsuband friends who are rick are very pious. Let them have their criteria and you can have yours as well. But do not deprive them the right to be happy on your wedding day after all they suffered for you. Instead of disobeying them, do da'wah to them and be patient and teach them.

Pray istikhara, and try not to have too much free contact or private contact (inc. mail and phone) with this guy until you know what your parents want.
Re: Ready to get married?
onemuslimgirl
06/11/04 at 22:54:38
asalam alakum,
i agree with what the sisters have said so far....don't go against your mom's wishes just yet. let her meet him and get to know him better, adn ur brother gets to know him also. make salat al istikhara and don't rush. believe that Allah will do whats best inshAllah.

that temper like stated earlier is a red flag. sometimes we don't see things in ourselves or those near us that others see. have ur brother ask about him from different sources....

may Allah do whats best for u inshAllah...
Re: Ready to get married?
Anonymous
06/12/04 at 02:05:40
[slm]

thank you for your inputs.  all of you make sense, but sister Azizah its not what you are
thinking. I should not have mentioned his temper.  Its not anything at all.  I have never
seen it, only he told me at the very beginning that sometime he gets angry if certain
situation contributes.  He can't ever hurt a soul. only to calm down he may break his cell
phone, but thats all.  and about the house, this one is for only few months.  he is going
to get a better one... we might buy a house within a year inshaallah...

about the age?  we are in our early twenties.  i am almost 22.  he may be young aged, but
he is more wise than men from 30s.  experiences make people old and learned, not the age.  
sometime a boy of 17 years knows so much that a man of 30 doesn't.  when you come from
another country, when you struggle so much in life, and when you have no one else to help,
automatically you learn about living.  maybe you won't live a glamarous and wonderful
life, but atleast you learn to be content and you are happy even with small stuff.  

and about my parents. it may take them couple of months, but after that they will be in
my house.  my father knows that i love him and want to marry him.  he says to know him
more and ask around more about him.  which i did.  my brother is going to do it too.

sis amatuallah, don't worry. inshaallah i am going to think about this.  i can understand
how hard it is for mothers.  all women face these, pregranancy.  i may face it one day
too.  but mothers should be understanding about thier daughters.  especially when she is
seeing that her others daughters are not happy with the marriage that she picked for them.  
i am not blaming her, but i am gonig to reason with her.  please make duaa.  ofcourse for
my parents i am able to sacrifice my happiness.  inshaallah.  make duaa that i do that.

take care
thank you
Re: Ready to get married?
yumna
06/12/04 at 03:18:51
...we wil sister we will inshAllah evrything will work out fine ..and watever will happen will happen for best
Re: Ready to get married?
Sunnah_
06/12/04 at 03:24:38
Salam sis,

Inshallah khair. I hope things work out for the best for you whether you guys get married or not.
I have been reading the posts, and wanted to reply. I can't say yes marry him or no don't because we don't KNOW him.
I'm glad you are letting your father and brother check into him. That is a great idea. With a couple of guys that were prospects of marriage, we didn't look into things as much as we should have and alhamdillah I found things out during the process of getting to know them, but it would have been easier if we took the time to get more information.
Inshallah the information your father and brother receive are from reliable sources and inshallah it will be all good news. Of course your mother is concerned, your her daughter! What mother wouldn't be concerened for their daughters. If all turns out well with the 'investigation' hehe then inshallah she will see things differently. With whatever info you get, you have to weigh things out and decide what is best for you and discuss things with your parents in a calm manner (i learned that works so much better than yelling....hehe)
Everyone has faults, no one is perfect, but if they are not that serious and things you can deal with or not let interfere with your relationship and your happiness then I would say go for it. I dont' know if I was help, but I just wanted to thro in my 2 cents. :)
I hope things work out for you. I am engaged and it is the best.....You are in my duaa's. Goodluck  ;)

Sis Sunnah_
Re: Ready to get married?
Ruqayyah
06/13/04 at 03:07:47
[slm]

Sister, I really feel for you. I know how it is to want something so much, and in your eyes and mind and heart you feel like you KNOW this is for you. But Allah swt may have other things planned for you, He IS the best of planners, so take comfort in that. Whatever happens, it's all by His will. And the other sisters have given you good advice. Take a minute to sit back and let what they've said sink in, and think logically without having an emotional response to it.

You guys are young, there really is no rush- this is a huge decision. I mean this is the guy who will be the father of your kids inshallah, the one who is going to be your life partner to help you to achieve jannah. And also, he should be able to support you, he doesn't have to be rich, but he does have to take care of his family.

[quote]only to calm down he may break his cell phone, but thats all.[\quote]

that's all?? i think the fact that it came across your mind to even type the fact that other people have said something about his temper, and you yourself say he could break a cell phone, means something! I don't feel that is a normal or even healthy way of handling anger, and it should really send a red flag up. I don't even want to know what he would do to you.
Re: Ready to get married?
amatullah
06/15/04 at 12:18:54
[wlm]
Insha'Allah my dua won't be that you sacrifice your happiness for your parents But that you are both happy with a righteous husband who will be the apple of your eye and you of his. You seem like a nice girl masha'Allah maybe you just wanted to be reminded you are right in waiting and making sure your parents agree. If afterall your goal is the pleasure of Allah, you will not displease them to marry a righteous man they disapprove of. Insha'Allah do istikhara prayer, if he is right for you then you will see...Allah will make everything so easy and to go smoothly. If he is not, you will feel it as well and it may be easier to stay away form him.
Re: Ready to get married?
theOriginal
06/15/04 at 15:11:54
[slm]

Why oh why is life so hard?  :)  Alhamdulillah...

I can't give you advice that's going to be half worth it...but if you are destined to marry Joe, you will marry Joe.  Just leave it to Allah, and don't hurt your family in the process.  

Ever read Macbeth?  Lesson learned.

The thing is sister, marriage is one of those things we have no control over.  

Just make duaa that everything works out for the best, inshaAllah :)

Wasalaam.


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