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Marrying overseas?

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Marrying overseas?
Anonymous
06/22/04 at 22:16:25
Here is my question..

I am in my 30s and recently reverted to Islam.  I have decided that I want to get
married. I’ve never been married nor have been in a relationship. Islam is an integral part of
this change in attitude. I’ve been on my own for a very long time. And I’ve been pretty
independent.

Recently I visited friends who live in a Moslem country(before my Shahada). This is a
very good Islamic family and I correspond with them on a regular basis. They have adopted
me in a sense. They have very wonderfully searched for a good husband knowing the
circumstances.. being western etc.
At first I thought no way would I do it-move there. I made an effort to find someone
here. That has not worked out.  My adoptive family is doing everything in the right way. They
have found a possible man for me to marry. So I am contemplating all of this. I have to
say that living here is very difficult and lonely. I feel caught in two worlds. When I had
visited my adoptive family and I told my friend that I didn’t know what I was coming home
to.. Well I’ve been back home and something is missing..  

Giving up the usual comforts and familiar things is tough.  My family is not overly close
and in fact my parents lived overseas for many years so it is not something unusual
(though any marriage would really shock them). The idea of an ‘arranged’ marriage would not go
over well. I have thought of going and start by living there for a bit before agreeing to
a marriage.. and we would have to meet first anyways before I agree. (and also then can
explain any marriage a different way.)

I wanted to see what people thought and to hear if anyone else had experiences with
moving to a Moslem country from the west.. what were the challenges and struggles? What
changed in a positive way? I trust the family I know so that is not the issue.. I just want to
hear if anyone knows of situations and thoughts to share…

Thank you
Re: Marrying overseas?
MIT
06/23/04 at 06:45:51
as-salaamu alaikum

I think its a great idea to sample life in the other country before you make your decision. Some people can handle life in another country, and others can't.

Also don't forget to pray salat al-istikhara.
NS
Re: Marrying overseas?
yumna
06/23/04 at 09:21:10
i have a question similar to this too...i wanted the ppl 's opinion wat do they think of marrying different nationality ppl ...are those kind of marriages sucessful?? ..bc most ppl say that its difficult for husband and wife of different nationalities to get along ... together? ...is it true? if so to wat extent ? i thought marriages r to b based of trust ,loyalty to Allah and others and love and happiness and stuff like that
.........then how come husband and wife  of different nationalities  because of state matters and poitics and other useless matters end up having a divorce ..?
Re: Marrying overseas?
Faisal
06/23/04 at 15:36:03
Ok, not in all cases but in most of the cases it gets difficult to move on this relationship if nationalities don't match.The biggest and latest example is of Pakistani cricket star "Imran Khan" who recently divorce his wife "Jamima Khan".
People say politics caused this situation while other say it waz due to Jamima's relations with another man. Well, Who knows___----____----___---____---
Re: Marrying overseas?
yumna
06/24/04 at 12:40:24
thats wat really poped up my question ...wats ur opinion???
Re: Marrying overseas?
Barr
06/24/04 at 20:49:44
Assalamu'alaikum,

Sis Anon,

I think its good that you have people whom you trust to recommend the brother to you. That is actually, a great deal of help, for credibility and background checks on him, inshaAllah.

One of the major challenges for couples, regardless of where they are from, is adjusting to each other. The more different they are from each other, the more adjustment there need be. And the more fundamentally different they are from each other, the greater the sacrifice, compromise and adjustment would be.

I think it is a good plan that you intend to stay in the country and see what the culture is like first, alhamdulillah. Also, be more conscious of differences, even in slight nuances, of cultural norms and family background etc. Becoz, these would shape the personality of the person whom we marry. And though its all highly feasible to marry those who are different from us, whether, in culture, ethnicity, language, environment or ethics... the crunch comes when it comes to adapting with each other when married. Understanding where each other comes from - not just geographically - and practising flexibility would really help a lot, inshaAllah. The question is now.. how flexible can you or he get?

And that depends on how fundamental a change you would be able to cope. And this relates to Sis Yumna's question on the feasibility/ compatability of marrying those who are from other countries.

At the risk of being longwinded/ repetitive (afwan - pls bear with me), this actually goes back to what makes a person *the person*. Generally, a person is made up of his jasad (body), ruh (spirit), aql (intellect), nafs (self/desires) and qalb (heart). Apart from his nature, what is around/ surrounds him for years would shape him. This includes his way of thinking, his ethics and morality, his spiritual nearness to Allah, his personality and emotional reaction, his likes/dislikes etc.

A solih once said that "Happiness is the attainment of pleasure and delight by each [i]gharizah[/i] acquiring that which it longs for, consistent with its own nature."

A gharizah is smt that is deep inside us. And we have different [i]ghara'iz (pl)[/i]. And Allah created us with different types and levels for the gharizah. The eyes, would be happy when it sees, the ears - when they hear, the nose when it smells etc. But sight would not give our ears pleasure, nor knowing/ knowledge would make the eyes be in delight. On the other hand, the gharizah of the qalb is of a higher and more exalted nature than that of the jasad (body), such that when the qalb finds happiness and delight in something, a person would forget/ not entertain the burst of hunger or other nafsi pursuits.

Applying this to the nature of a person, our nafs would find compatability with someone else who shares the same nafs eg. hot chillie foods - and they find happiness in that. Similarly, those who share the same taste in music, intellectual pursuits, environmental concerns, familial concerns, culture, personality, deen etc.. would find compatability with each other, in each of those areas.

What differs are how fundamental and important such compatability and differences are to the prospects. So, even if a couple doesn't find compatability in the food that they eat, or other "nafsi" pursuits, but found their happiness on higher states of the gharizah, such as the gharizah of the qalb (eg. getting nearer to Allah) - then, the couple would find more fulfillment in that compatability.

Then, there's the ruh (spirit). The relationship of the ruh is that it is not bounded by space and time, and similar spirit attracts to each other. A ruh filled with sins would not find a pure ruh beautiful and vice versa. That's why, a person who is in tawbah (repentance), may find that he is no longer "compatible" with his old friends - his friends now find him boring, dull etc.

So, the compatability that you would have with each other internally, depends on what makes you *you*, and what makes him *him* and what you can find happiness - true happiness with each other.

Nevertheless, relationships are not as simplistic. The extent of what is halal in Islam is very wide, and the different nuances of how people practice Islam and lead their life differs in various degrees. Again, this is influenced by education, culture, personalities and upbringing. For example, someone with a more conservative view of practising Islam, may find it more difficult living with someone who is more flexible and vice versa. And imposing each other's values on each other would strain the relationship - and some, may find "incompatability" or more challenges to live together.

And for some people - its just a personality conflict.


So, though marrying a person from overseas may pose more differences/ difficulties... again, we have to look at what kind of differences are they - how fundamental are they, and how much of an adjustment can a person cope with and find true happiness with each other in the light of bringing up a Muslim family.

Allaua'lam

P.S. The causes of divorce on the other hand are multi-factorial and unique, and of another discussion altogether - of which it is difficult to just pin-point to a single divorce-causing factor.





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