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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Sticky situation |
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| theOriginal |
| 07/31/04 at 20:19:13 |
| [slm] You know when something happens that you don't want happening? Like let's say...the guy who is possessive/obsessive about you is moving to the same city that you're moving to. A city with a population of about 800,000 people...which I assure you is nothing, when you consider that this is the Third World we're talking about, where the lower class constitutes of about three-quarters of the population. Incidentally, this would not have happened if you hadn't informed your mutual contact (who you don't like very much to begin with, given her tendency to broadcast your life publicly) who helped the guy get into med school there on such short notice (being the daughter of one unknown aristocrat) to solve the problem of his dependency on you. He, being the mentally-disturbed (I'm not trying to be funny) genius that he is, has already done a good amount of research on your current situation, as is very much apparent by his one recent e-mail. In addition, you feel trapped because he is one of those people who are very good with twisting words and meanings, and makes you feel like you owe him your life because you are undeserving for things which he doesn't have (like a set of non-abusive parents, Alhamdulillah). You have already tried befriending him normally, yelling at him publicly, reasoning with him desperately, threatening him with approaching his (very naive) fiancée and (very oblivious) parents. Furthermore, you don't entirely trust him not to ruin your life should you decide that you don't want to have anything to do with him ever again. This decision, it turns out, is one you have to make, since your older brother, who looked incredibly exasperated when he said "You're much too smart for this, Sarah, and I feel like I'm almost ignorant for doing this", has already approached him and told him to stay a safe distance away from you. And you, being scared that your (very tall) brother might punch him to a pulp (only because you cried in front of him with big crocodile tears), took great pains to stay away from him and to make sure he stayed away from you. And now, if he starts following you around in Islamabad, you're certain your brother will not care to understand, and might be very, very hurt, which is something you are not willing to allow. And as you imagine the mess which is your life potentially turning into a very suffocating situation, you miss being able to hide from this person in the very safe streets of Toronto. Ugh. :( Wasalaam. |
| 07/31/04 at 20:20:27 |
| theOriginal |
| Re: Sticky situation |
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| jannah |
| 07/31/04 at 23:18:15 |
| [wlm] Im not quite following, but sounds like you have a stalker. The only thing to do is to make it clear you want absolutely nothing to do with him and if he approaches/contacts you again you will go to the authorities. And make sure you change your phone/email/block him from any means of contact you can. And make it clear that your family knows of this and will prevent him as well. DONT be wishy washy that's the worst possible thing and means encouragement to sick people. hope that helps, |
| Re: Sticky situation |
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| bhaloo |
| 08/01/04 at 01:07:34 |
| [slm] The stalker still exists, I remember earlier when you posted about him. I agree with Jannah, don't be wishy-washy. Cut off any and all communications with him, EVENTUALLY the problem will disappear, insha'Allah. |
| Re: Sticky situation |
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| timbuktu |
| 08/01/04 at 04:14:19 |
| [slm] sometimes one has to do something unpalatable. That guy is not your responsibility, I agree you stop all communication with him. If he starts following you around, then you can just give him a treament that in Pakistan is called a "sandal treatment"; make sure it is in public. Just hiding is not going to do any good. & don't ever feel responsibility for what isn't yours to begin with, otherwise the con-trickstrers will always be after you. I think the problem has worsened because of you still trying to help him. Forget it. He can help himself, and I repeat, he isn't your responsibility. There are suppport groups in Islamabad, but most of them are very unorthodox, and some even use cases for their own publicity. I think there are duas for this, and I will try to remember what these are, although I think there are many excellent people on this board who will let you know those duas before me. Unfortunately, there is no dearth of stalkers and madmen, specially of possessive/obsessive kind, so you will have to develop a very tough outlook on life and people. There is no way a softee can survive in this jungle. So, get tough, and don't worry about consequences for a person like this. In this country, if you help someone, or even talk softly with someone, he/ she will follow you everywhere, and these people follow not just girls, but anyone who they think may give in to their demands. I don't think gettng beaten to a pulp will harm him. I wouldn't worry about him getting a little physical treatment. I have known it to have worked wonders. I am soft at heart, but for similar behavior towards girls, I have had people arrested, got beaten by the police, and threatened with years in jail if they don't give up. and they have seen the light! If one has connections, then the security apparatus (police, or similar) can be used. and BLOCK him from your email. [quote]you don't entirely trust him not to ruin your life should you decide that you don't want to have anything to do with him ever again.[/quote] I am sure you are not so naive, you are just worried sick over the consequenses. This is giving in to blackmail even before being blackmailed. Sure, people can decide to make life miserable for anyone they chose. They can tell untrue tales, and believe me they do. But if you give in to their demands and whims, you are going to be controlled by them. So calm yourself. Think clearly. There will be many more situations where life will seem miserable, and dependent on what others chose to do or not do. You have to be clear-headed, and strong-minded. and finally, if you use the softly, softly approach, you will never be rid of him. If he gets a little physical treatment from your brother, or someone, he is more likely to keep his distance. The choice is yours. |
| 08/01/04 at 05:31:40 |
| timbuktu |
| Re: Sticky situation |
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| timbuktu |
| 08/01/04 at 08:39:56 |
| [slm] [center][size=3]Dependence syndrome or confidence-trick[/size][/center] soft, and vulnerable! The friend I talked about in my previous posts, just couldn’t say no to anyone. He was immersed in demands. People with money would still be after him Their money was tied up, and they had urgent needs, and they would give the money back. And he obliged, even by taking house-keeping money from his wife. These loans were never [aid back; and somehow they increased. He was a softee. When I told him to stop this non-sense, he was miserable. Suppose the person were telling the truth? I too am a softee, and I have been touched quite a few times, but I can say no, and I do say it, even if the people concerned try all types of tricks. Once a 20 odd years old lad came to my house, with his arm all cut up, in blood and pus. I couldn’t take a second look. He told me his story about being a driver, living in a locality I knew to be poor, and being involved in an accident, and now being out of a job. So I gave him money. Next week another lad turned up, with similar wounds, and similar story, including same residential locality. Coincidence, I thought, and gave him money. A little worried, because salaried people do not have money to support this kind of philanthropy. Next week yet another lad, same story, same locality. I threw him out. Next, I get a guy come into my office. My private secretary says, this guy wants to meet you, he has a problem, and needs help. He has some sob story about business not being good, etc. so I gave him 10,000 rupees. Big amount then. Mind you I was feeling rich. I was earning say like 100,000 a month. But to be on the safe side, I get a promise out of him that he wouldn’t tell anyone. I know I cannot solve the problems of the whole of Islamabad/ Pindi. Yet, a steady stream of people come in the next months. Who has sent them, I ask? Oh, someone told them there is a good man sitting in this office who helps the needy. But I am not that man, I protest. No use. My rich income starts looking small now. Two girls come in. One is married; the other is her sister, whose marriage is about to take place. They have heard that I help. But I do not, I protest. No use. What if the girls are needy. I give them money. They see more money in my wallet, and demand it, they have to make clothes, and etc. etc. I part with all the money in my wallet, hating myself, knowing this is a scam. About a month later, an elderly woman comes in with her daughter, who is about to get married, and someone has said that this stupid guy sitting in this office has money to burn. The girl looks expectantly at me. I ask the lady to leave me her address, and if I can arrange the money, I will have the money delivered to her house. Of course, I am not going to be able to arrange the money. They come again a week later. I have instructed my secretary not to let them in this time. So I am spared the drama. Two weeks pass, and the original man appears with more sob-story pf his daughters not having clothes, and having come to me with expectation. I sympathize with him, and direct him to the mosque, where Zakat is paid. He tries everything, crying, weeping, and no effect on me. Then he says I should at least give him the fare back to his residence. He had borrowed the money to come to me. I tell him that I am not responsible, I have not asked him to come. Then how will he go back, he asks. I point at his legs. Use these, I say. He leaves me, with curses, and this time I am laughing. I have seen through his game, and not been taken in. Another week and the two girls come in. The marriage has taken place, but they are now in debt, and etc. etc. etc. Am I enjoying this? You bet I am. I refuse. The girls put on the most seductive innocent helpless looks, but my heart does not melt. Out they go after wasting one hour and a half, but without even bus fare. :) Oh, that was enjoyable, but wait there is more to come. There is a stream of people at home as well. This lad, again around 20, comes in and wants money to appear in exams. His future is at stake. If he can graduate, he will be able to support his mother, etc. etc. He cries, and touches legs, and all that non-sense. I am angry, yet the lad seems in need. So I lecture him on the dignity of man, and give him the required money. Two months, and he comes back. He has failed in two subjects, and needs money to appear In supplementary exams. Same drama of crying, and you are my only hope, and touching feet etc. etc. I am beginning to feel stupid, but I pay up. Some months later, he is back. He has passed, but no jobs in the market, so he wants to start a business selling vegetables in his village. Needs a substantial amount to start. I give him that. A few months pass, and you guessed it, crying, falling down to my feet, and the business has failed, but he has been promised that if he learns computers, whatever is meant by learning computers, he will get a job. I refuse. Crying, falling down to earth, beseeching. Damn it, why do I have to face this drama. I refuse, and come inside the house. Oh, I forgot, during his time I have received fan mail from him, during all this, asking me to support him. The next day is Sunday, early morning, the call bell rings. I go out and the lad is there with his drama. Doesn’t touch my heart. Over the next week or so, this trouble continues. I refuse to give in. Then it stops. One day I receive more fan mail. This time the lad wants me to adopt him. The nerve. You got to give him that. A week later, the lad is back, demanding that since he had sent me that letter, now it is incumbent upon me to adopt him. I remain unconvinced. You can imagine all the antics that were played, and in front of my neighbors, and servant, and driver. But never mind, I am not going to be taken in. The last bit of drama took place a week ago. It has been silence since then Of course, you will say that I am a man, nearing my end, and you are very vulnerable. Precisely why you should make yourself strong. If you have any problem with him, his Principal at the Medical College can be contacted, and his help enlisted. |
| Re: Sticky situation |
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| theOriginal |
| 08/01/04 at 12:57:08 |
| [slm] Ah...yes brother Arshad, two years later, the guy is still around. I don't know if he's necessarily a stalker, since he's engaged, but I think he's a little bit of a control freak who likes to be listened to. Sister Jannah, he IS blocked, but he keeps making new addresses to contact me. I will however inform him (as soon as I can figure out how to say it) that he needs to keep a good distance away from me from now on. Brother Timbuktu...I'm not really a softie, I'm just a little scared of him, since he once tried to throw me off a flight of stairs. So I'm totally guilty of trying to help him through his financial, emotional, and legal problems...that was about a year and a few months ago, though. And since then I've been VERY mean to him, but he's just gone from bad to worse in the few times (4, total) that I've met him since May 2003. I guess I'll have to tell my parents...I wish it could have been avoided, but oh well.. Thank you for your help. Wasalaam. |
| Re: Sticky situation |
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| timbuktu |
| 08/01/04 at 13:34:09 |
| [quote author=JustOne link=board=madrasa;num=1091315954;start=0#5 date=08/01/04 at 12:57:08] I will however inform him (as soon as I can figure out how to say it) that he needs to keep a good distance away from me from now on. Brother Timbuktu...I'm not really a softie, I'm just a little scared of him, since he once tried to throw me off a flight of stairs. So I'm totally guilty of trying to help him through his financial, emotional, and legal problems...that was about a year and a few months ago, though. And since then I've been VERY mean to him, but he's just gone from bad to worse in the few times (4, total) that I've met him since May 2003. I guess I'll have to tell my parents...I wish it could have been avoided, but oh well.. Thank you for your help. Wasalaam.[/quote] First, YOU don't have to inform him anymore. As far as I can see, you have done all the informing necessary. Now a little change of tactics is needed. You said your brother also told him to keep away. Obviously, words do not register with him. I see such people all the time. It will have to be stronger than the words. Yes, telling your parents is the best course. This should have been done earlier. Next, since he has already tried to throw you down the stairs, if you are ever in a situation where you feel uncomfortable, can you see yourself hitting him with a sandal (preferably pointed), in public. I assure you, if you can do that, your troubles will be over. You can have your brother or cousins to take over as soon as you have started. :) |
| Re: Sticky situation |
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| superFOB |
| 08/01/04 at 23:54:34 |
| [slm] Wow, stalkers! This board is finally getting some excitement :) On a more serious note, get real justone, he can really hurt you, if you know what I mean. In fact, your nonchalance, or even encouragement is more puzzling then his obsessive behavior, 'cause these types are not at all uncommon in pakistan too. Hmm, looks like there are some loose ends. |
| Re: Sticky situation |
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| theOriginal |
| 08/02/04 at 05:44:15 |
| [slm] Man...so loose ends? I don't think I have to justify myself in any way, but yes, we did take a class together in the first semester of my third year. That's how I know him. I don't believe it transgressed academic boundaries, although he does have a lot of problems at home, which we spoke about on an Islamic front. And yes, my parents already know about this guy, but they don't know about his recent decision to move to Pakistan. And that's just going to have to wait a few weeks. Hopefully by then I'll be thinking more clearly. I'm not nonchalant about this situation at all. And as far encouraging his behavior, I don't know what that's about. I think I handled it the best way I could have by myself back in Toronto, and I'm very well aware that social norms and boundaries in Pakistan are different (that's not to say they're any better or any worse, I've seen the way people live out there). Anyway, thank you very much for your advice. Wasalaam. |
| Re: Sticky situation |
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| Halima |
| 08/05/04 at 04:11:33 |
| You have re-inforced a decision I made to help a sister who is in a similar situation! She is scared to death of this guy and wants to move but the move will affect her job. She is already ill now because of him. Subhanallah! Thanks JustOne and all. Halima |
| Re: Sticky situation |
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| timbuktu |
| 08/05/04 at 09:57:23 |
| [slm] sis Sister J!, please note a correction. I had missed the ãÚ and sis Halima, there is a book called "Hisnul Muslim" by Saeed bin Ali al-Qahtani, which contains authentic duas. There are some very good ones for after fajr and maghrib. Many have published it, including Darussalaam. Also available as a free download from some sites, including http://www.sultan.org basically, ayatul kursi, and the last two surahs are a must. In addition these two duas. 1. ÈÓã Çááå ÇáÐì áÇ íÖÑ ãÚ ÇÓãå ÔÆ Ýì áÇÑÖ æ áÇ Ýì ÇáÓãÇÁ æ åæ ÇáÓãíÚ ÇáÚáíã In the name of Allah in the presence of whose name nothing can cause harm, whether that be from Earth or the skies. 2. ÇÚæÐ ÈßáãÇÊ Çááå ÇáÊÇãÇÊ ãä ÔÑ ãÇ ÎáÞ I seek refuge through Allah's (SubHana Wa Ta`ala) complete "kalimaat" from the harm of all things that He has created. both 1. and 2., to be recited three times after fajr, and three times after maghrib I assure you, from a life-long experience, and of observing my mother, the ayatul kursi is indeed a protection. My mother always recites it over us when we go out. and I have been in at least three situations when death was immediately imminent, and many times in my street there has been theft and even dacoities, and the thieves did not come to my house, while I sometimes forget to lock the door. :) |
| 08/05/04 at 10:15:04 |
| timbuktu |
| Re: Sticky situation |
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| superFOB |
| 08/05/04 at 21:01:31 |
| [wlm] [quote author=JustOne link=board=madrasa;num=1091315954;start=0#8 date=08/02/04 at 05:44:15]Anyway, thank you very much for your advice.[/quote] I am sorry if I caused some offence. Your friend's description fits that of a text-book stalker; obsessesed with you and trying to coerce you through fear/harassment, despite your conclusion to the contrary. My point was, knowing the mental state and abused childhood of that person, and still helping him 'emotionally', you have set yourself up for an interesting experience. Take care. |
| 08/06/04 at 12:51:31 |
| superFOB |
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