A R C H I V E S
Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Anger Management |
|---|
| Emerald |
| 08/15/04 at 06:14:32 |
| As-salaam aleikum, Once upon a time, I used to be quiet, calm, and shy. If somebody hurt me emotionally, I'd soak it in. If somebody said something nasty to me, I'd bear it. Then one day, I started college and one of my instructors asked me how I coped with the pressures of school and family. To her surprise/shock (and mine in a way) I said, "I get angry. I scream, shout, and sometimes even throw or hit things". Ever since then, it seems my tolerance level has been gradually decreasing and my anger becoming more obvious. One day, I was out with my family- "shy" little ole me, and as I was about to pull my parked car out into the lane, another car budged in almost causing a collision (sp?). Anyway, the beast was unleashed and I gave the other driver the finger. :( I was so ashamed after 15 minutes, after the blood rushed back into the rest of my body from my brain that I didn't know what to say to my mother who was in the car with me. In another situation, I got into a verbal disagreement with someone during a heart bypass operation. I literally was about to knock her down right then and there but somehow I let is pass because I realized it wasn't the right time or place. Ugh, I've got other stories. Stories that if people, who really knew me, heard would completely disbelieve because of what they knew of me and how I looked. So now I've realized that I've got an anger problem, I just don't know how to deal with it. Taking a time out has not worked because my outbursts are sudden and talking about what makes me mad doesn't help either. But I do know that one of the things that contributes to it is the fact that because I'm a woman and I wear a hijab people expect me to be a saint. And even though I try to be a good Muslimah, I do feel pressures, and I do get angry, and I need people to see me at that moment as a human being. I'm wondering if anyone understands what I mean? And I feel so guilty afterwards because then I feel I'm giving people the wrong image of Muslims or confirming their preconcieved notions of us. Anyway, I need some tips or pointers on how to control/prevent my temper tantrums. And I'd love to hear your stories if you've got the same problem. Emerald On a funny note, people have told me that when I do get >:( I'm unapproachable because I look so scary... :-/ |
| Re: Anger Management |
|---|
| theOriginal |
| 08/15/04 at 10:40:48 |
| [slm] Ah anger!!! I have issues with it, too. I heard that sitting down immediately, and maybe having a drink of water helps (I think it's an Islamic concept). What gets me is that if I blow up at somebody, I know they won't listen to me UNTIL and UNLESS I calm down...so that helps me in immediately shutting up. I think, it should be about anger prevention. Steam builds up, and we should get rid of it every few days...especially if we lead very stressful lives. I honestly think the best way to do this, is exercise. Also try something creative. Driving. No comment. It's stressful, don't make it more stressful by taking out the stress. I know people who are always cussing people out while driving: "what the hell does he think he's doing?" .. "look at that stupid pedestrian!" .. I strongly believe, it's the one place people should try to stay calm. And if you find people doing stupid unnerving things, just tell them straight away. Without raising your voice, or using bad language (this includes sarcasm), just tell them that you disagree with them, and then leave. One thing though..people who are always voicing their opinions, make me angry too...so I notice that when I start pointing that I "disagree" with people, that I'm always voicing my opinion too...and therefore I get even MORE frustrated. So, I guess it always comes down to balance. Good luck, inshaAllah. Wasalaam. |
| Re: Anger Management |
|---|
| bhaloo |
| 08/15/04 at 20:17:02 |
| [slm] Sheikh Munajjid addressed this issue here: Anger is one of the evil whispers of Shaytaan, which leads to so many evils and tragedies, of which only Allaah knows their full extent. For this reason Islam has a great deal to say about this bad characteristic, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) described cures for this "disease" and ways to limit its effects, among which are the following: (1) Seeking refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan: Sulayman ibn Sard said: "I was sitting with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and two men were slandering one another. One of them was red in the face, and the veins on his neck were standing out. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, ‘I know a word which, if he were to say it, what he feels would go away. If he said "I seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan," what he feels (i.e., his anger) would go away.’" (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 6/337) The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "If a man gets angry and says, ‘I seek refuge with Allaah,’ his anger will go away." (Saheeh al-Jaami’ al-Sagheer, no. 695) (2) Keeping silent: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "If any of you becomes angry, let him keep silent." (Reported by Imaam Ahmad, al-Musnad, 1/329; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 693, 4027). This is because in most cases, the angry person loses self control and could utter words of kufr (from which we seek refuge with Allaah), or curses, or the word of divorce (talaaq) which would destroy his home, or words of slander which would bring him the enmity and hatred of others. So, in short, keeping silent is the solution which helps one to avoid all that. (3) Not moving: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "If any of you becomes angry and he is standing, let him sit down, so his anger will go away; if it does not go away, let him lie down." The narrator of this hadeeth is Abu Dharr (may Allaah be pleased with him), and there is a story connected to his telling of it: he was taking his camels to drink at a trough that he owned, when some other people came along and said (to one another), "Who can compete with Abu Dharr (in bringing animals to drink) and make his hair stand on end?" A man said, "I can," so he brought his animals and competed with Abu Dharr, with the result that the trough was broken. [i.e., Abu Dharr was expecting help in watering his camels, but instead the man misbehaved and caused the trough to be broken]. Abu Dharr was standing, so he sat down, then he laid down. Someone asked him, "O Abu Dharr, why did you sit down then lie down?" He said: "The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: . . ." and quoted the hadeeth. (The hadeeth and this story may be found in Musnad Ahmad, 5/152; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 694). According to another report, Abu Dharr was watering his animals at the trough, when another man made him angry, so he sat down . . . (Fayd al-Qadeer, al-Manaawi, 1/408') Among the benefits of this advice given by the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) is the fact that it prevents the angry person from going out of control, because he could strike out and injure someone, or even kill - as we will find out shortly - or he could destroy possessions and so on. Sitting down makes it less likely that he will become overexcited, and lying down makes it even less likely that he will do something crazy or harmful. Al-’Allaamah al-Khattaabi, may Allaah have mercy on him, said in his commentary on Abu Dawud: "One who is standing is in a position to strike and destroy, while the one who is sitting is less likely to do that, and the one who is lying down can do neither. It is possible that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told the angry person to sit down or lie down so that he would not do something that he would later regret. And Allaah knows best." (Sunan Abi Dawud, with Ma’aalim al-Sunan, 5/141) (4) Following the advice of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): Abu Hurayrah, may Allaah be pleased with him, reported that a man said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), "Advise me." He said, "Do not become angry." The man repeated his request several times, and each time the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told him, "Do not become angry." (Reported by al-Bukhaari, Fath al-Bari, 10/456) According to another report, the man said: "I thought about what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, and I realized that anger combines all kinds of evil." (Musnad Ahmad, 5/373) (5) Do not become angry and Paradise will be yours (a saheeh hadeeth, see Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7374. Ibn Hijr attributed it to al-Tabaraani, see al-Fath 4/465): Remembering what Allaah has promised to the righteous (muttaqeen) who keep away from the causes of anger and struggle within themselves to control it, is one of the most effective ways of extinguishing the flames of anger. One of the ahaadeeth that describe the great reward for doing this is: "Whoever controls his anger at the time when he has the means to act upon it, Allaah will fill his heart with contentment on the Day of Resurrection." (Reported by al-Tabaraani, 12/453, see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 6518'). Another great reward is described in the Prophet’s words: "Whoever controls his anger at the time when he has the means to act upon it, Allaah will call him before all of mankind on the Day of Resurrection, and will let him choose of the Hur al-’Iyn whoever he wants." (Reported by Abu Dawud, 4777, and others. It is classified as hasan in Saheeh al-Jaami, 6518'). (6) Knowing the high status and advantages offered to those who control themselves: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "The strong man is not the one who can overpower others (in wrestling); rather, the strong man is the one who controls himself when he gets angry." (Reported by Ahmad, 2/236; the hadeeth is agreed upon). The greater the anger, the higher the status of the one who controls himself. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "The strongest man is the one who, when he gets angry and his face reddens and his hackles rise, is able to defeat his anger." (Reported by Imaam Ahmad, 5/367, and classified as hasan in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 3859) Anas reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) passed by some people who were wrestling. He asked, "What is this?" They said: "So-and-so is the strongest, he can beat anybody." The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, "Shall I not tell you who is even stronger then him? The man who, when he is mistreated by another, controls his anger, has defeated his own shaytaan and the shaytaan of the one who made him angry." (Reported by al-Bazzaar, and Ibn Hijr said its isnaad is saheeh. Al-Fath, 10/519) (7) Following the Prophet’s example in the case of anger: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) is our leader and has set the highest example in this matter, as is recorded in a number of ahaadeeth. One of the most famous was reported by Anas, may Allaah be pleased with him, who said: "I was walking with the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and he was wearing a Najraani cloak with a rough collar. A Bedouin came and seized him roughly by the edge of his cloak, and I saw the marks left on his neck by the collar. Then the Bedouin ordered him to give him some of the wealth of Allaah that he had. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) turned to him and smiled, then ordered that he should be given something." (Agreed upon. Fath al-Baari, 10/375) Another way in which we can follow the example of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) is by making our anger for the sake of Allaah, when His rights are violated. This is the kind of anger which is praiseworthy. So the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) became angry when he was told about the imaam who was putting people off the prayer by making it too long; when he saw a curtain with pictures of animate creatures in ‘Aa’ishah’s house; when Usaamah spoke to him about the Makhzoomi woman who had been convicted of theft, and he said "Do you seek to intervene concerning one of the punishments prescribed by Allaah?"; when he was asked questions that he disliked, and so on. His anger was purely for the sake of Allaah. (8) Knowing that resisting anger is one of the signs of righteousness (taqwaa): The righteous (al-muttaqoon) are those praised by Allaah in the Qur’aan and by His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). Paradise as wide as heaven and earth has been prepared for them. One of their characteristics is that they (interpretation of the meaning) "spend (in Allaah’s Cause) in prosperity and in adversity, [they] repress anger, and [they] pardon men; verily, Allaah loves al-muhsinoon (the good-doers)." [Aal ‘Imraan 3:134] These are the ones whose good character and beautiful attributes and deeds Allaah has mentioned, and whom people admire and want to emulate. One of their characteristics is that (interpretation of the meaning) ". . . when they are angry, they forgive." [al-Shooraa 42:47] (9) Listening to reminders: Anger is a part of human nature, and people vary in their anger. It may be difficult for a man not to get angry, but sincere people will remember Allaah when they are reminded, and they will not overstep the mark. Some examples follow: Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that a man sought permission to speak to ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab (may Allaah be pleased with him), then he said: "O son of al-Khattaab, you are not giving us much and you are not judging fairly between us." ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) was so angry that he was about to attack the man, but al-Hurr ibn Qays, who was one of those present, said: "O Ameer al-Mu’mineen, Allaah said to His Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) (interpretation of the meaning): ‘Show forgiveness, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the foolish’ [al-A’raaf 7:199]. This man is one of the foolish." By Allaah, ‘Umar could go no further after al-Hurr had recited this aayah to him, and he a man who was careful to adhere to the Book of Allaah. (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 4/304). This is how the Muslim should be. The evil munaafiq (hypocrite) was not like this when he was told the hadeeth of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and one of the Companions said to him, "Seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan." He said to the one who reminded him, "Do you think I am crazy? Go away!" (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 1/465). We seek refuge with Allaah from failure. (10) Knowing the bad effects of anger: The negative effects of anger are many; in short they cause damage to one’s own self and to others. The angry person may utter words of slander and obscenity, he may attack others (physically) in an uncontrolled manner, even to the point of killing. The following story contains a valuable lesson: ‘Ilqimah ibn Waa’il reported that his father (may Allaah be pleased with him) told him: "I was sitting with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when a man came to him leading another man by a rope. He said, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, this man killed my brother.’ The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) asked him, ‘Did you kill him?’ He said, ‘Yes, I killed him.’ He asked, ‘How did you kill him?’ He said, ‘He and I were hitting a tree to make the leaves fall, for animal feed, and he slandered me, so I struck him on the side of the head with an axe, and killed him.’ . . ." (Reported by Muslim, 1307, edited by al-Baaqi). Anger could lead to less than killing, such as wounding and breaking bones. If the one who caused the anger runs away, the angry person turns his anger in on himself, so he may tear his clothes, or strike his cheeks, or have a fit, or fall unconscious, or he may break dishes and plates, or break furniture. In the worst cases, anger results in social disasters and the breaking of family ties, i.e., divorce. Ask many of those who divorced their wives, and they will tell you: it was in a moment of anger. This divorce results in misery for the children, regret and frustration, a hard and difficult life, all as a result of anger. If they had remembered Allaah, come to their senses, restrained their anger and sought refuge with Allaah, none of this would have happened. Going against the sharee’ah only results in loss. The damage to health that results from anger can only be described by doctors, such as thrombosis, high blood pressure, tachycardia (abnormally rapid heartbeat) and hyperventilation (rapid, shallow breathing), which can lead to fatal heart attacks, diabetes, etc. We ask Allaah for good health. (11) The angry person should think about himself during moments of anger: If the angry person could see himself in the mirror when he is angry, he would hate himself and the way he looks. If he could see the way he changes, and the way his body and limbs shake, how his eyes glare and how out of control and crazy his behaviour is, he would despise himself and be revolted by his own appearance. It is well-known that inner ugliness is even worse than outer ugliness; how happy the Shaytaan must be when a person is in this state! We seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan and from failure. (12) Du’aa’: Du’aa’ is always the weapon of the believer, whereby he asks Allaah to protect him from evil, trouble and bad behaviour and seeks refuge with Him from falling into the pit of kufr or wrongdoing because of anger. One of the three things that can help save him is: being fair at times of contentment and of anger (Saheeh al-Jaami’, 3039). One of the du’aa’s of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was: "O Allaah, by Your knowledge of the Unseen and Your power over Your creation, keep me alive for as long as You know life is good for me, and cause me to die when You know death is good for me. O Allaah, I ask You to make me fear You in secret and in public, and I ask You to make me speak the truth in times of contentment and of anger. I ask You not to let me be extravagant in poverty or in prosperity. I ask You for continuous blessings, and for contentment that does not end. I ask You to let me accept Your decree, and for a good life after death. I ask You for the joy of seeing Your face and for the longing to meet You, without going through diseases and misguiding fitnah (trials). O Allaah, adorn us with the adornment of faith and make us among those who are guided. Praise be to Allaah, the Lord of the Worlds." from http://www.islam-qa.com |
| 08/15/04 at 20:18:37 |
| bhaloo |
| Re: Anger Management |
|---|
| Caraj |
| 08/19/04 at 22:38:44 |
| Anger Managment is the ability not to beat the living **** out of someone who is bugging and irritating the **** out of you ;) |
| Re: Anger Management |
|---|
| Trustworthy |
| 08/20/04 at 05:07:20 |
| [slm]... I don't know if I'm the right person to give advice about anger management. But you know, I went through a stage where I hated everything and everyone, but when it was my MOM who asked, "Why are you so angry all the time?" I realized I had to change cause if Mom could see my anger then I must be hurting her and I get defensively angry with anyone who hurt Mom. That person was me this time and to have her say ALL THE TIME...Ya Rubb! I know I have a problem. My problem is...I don't like to cry so I don't cry instead I use sarcasm or anger which ever comes out first. Another thing, I don't like it when other people cry either. My reaction is always..."crying is a waste of time. you don't need to cry. what are you crying for? if you're going to cry, go cry somewhere else where you can't annoy me. are you still crying? stop crying." Picture me saying ALL that using a stern tone and an angry face to a 3 year old who just scraped her knee while running. My poor neice yet she still comes to have dinner with me at my home. But then when I see fear in my neices eyes when she looks at me, I take a deep breath, say A-oothu-billah.....wash her knee and face, put a band aid on, kiss her forehead, and give her a popsicle then tell her, it's ok. And then when a freind starts crying, I tell her "you don't need to cry. why cry over something stupid?" and this is after her husband cheated on her. And to one of my students: are you crying? what are you crying for? you want me to give you a reason to cry? make this Masjid spotless and write a 500 word essay about why you did not do your homework. due tomorrow. He has never came back to class even after we had a conference with the principle and his mom. he never mentioned his crying or me scolding him the way I did. his mom still thinks he comes to class. And I'm not letting him back in until he does his homework. I still have that crying problem. I also have road rage and not the one where you flick your finger, I don't do that, instead, I stop my car and tell them to move it or I'll move it for them. Or on the road, cut me off, and I'll show you the meaning of road rage. But after my Mom said that to me, I looked for help from Allah (SWT) and His Book. I was too vigorous with exercise, and I just told the psychiatrist to go back to school because she was still stupid. So she said even Anger Management class wouldn't help, it would take an act of God to help me. I guess she isn't that stupid because I took her advice (and this is only after one session mind you). Whenever I asked a question, she asked it back to me like I had the answer. If I had the answer I wouldn't have asked her. And why is she asking me the same questions when she is the one with the degree. Anyways, I found myself praying a lot of tashahud...tashahud helps with your anger. it actually calms you. then taking time during breaks and lunch to read the Qur'an and hadiths. Spending time with my girls, my families, and my class. Also I found that taking time for yourself helps a great deal like going to the movies alone or walking during breaks at work. And praying some more. Praying (Salaat) is GOOD. And my Imam gave me some du'as to say too which helped alot. He also recommened which I did to listen to the Qur'an when driving instead of that crappy seagull, ocean wave mixed classical music thing and listening to the Qur'an while you go to sleep is NICE. I'm a little more patient and I only use that "why are you crying" bit when I'm really annoyed for something stupid they are crying about. My road rage has subsided, instead of speeding after them to cut them, I speed and flick the middle finger. I'm also pleasant on the exterior now too, more approachable...just don't cry in front of me. AAAAAAAH....nevermind, I don't know what I'm talking about here. You know, I was going to write about this like way earlier but I was embarrassed too because you know me, I know my religion and I practice it, but sometimes anger just gets the better of me and I know that's not good, but no matter what, I don't know what to do about it. Praying helps, but only at the moment cause when someone stupid talks to me, I get really annoyed. I could tell you about my recent Canada trip with the US border officer, he was STUPID, but that's for another session. Writing helps me too, but like I said only for the moment. I want to get rid of anger COMPLETELY, but I just don't know how to. Someone said I should cry, but you all know how I feel about that now. complete waste of time. anyways... Many du'as and Allah (SWT) bless.... Ma-assalaamah..... |
| Re: Anger Management |
|---|
| timbuktu |
| 08/20/04 at 08:58:40 |
| [slm] [quote]Whenever I asked a question, she asked it back to me like I had the answer. If I had the answer I wouldn't have asked her. And why is she asking me the same questions when she is the one with the degree.[/quote] perhaps if you widen your horizon, you will understand. psychiatrists ask the silliest questions and look so stupid, but there is method in their madness, and I have seen them come to some conclusions by these methods. :) bro bhalo has given very good reply. if one is tired or under pressure, or has high blood pressure, anger can result, but for other types of anger, try to put yourself in the other person's shoes, try to give it time so as to analyse if you have understood the situation correctly. In my case, sadly, it usually turns out my anger is unjustified. |
| Re: Anger Management |
|---|
| lucid9 |
| 08/20/04 at 09:49:56 |
| [slm] What about people who cannot get angry? Who bottle things up -- and then unleash it upon themselves? What are they supposed to do? I have a friend who cannot get angry, who bottles things up, and god forbid may explode one day really bad. What are they supposed to do? |
| easy, they should get angry, and not keep it bottl |
|---|
| timbuktu |
| 08/20/04 at 13:58:51 |
| [quote author=hyper link=board=madrasa;num=1092561272;start=0#6 date=08/20/04 at 09:49:56] [slm] What about people who cannot get angry? Who bottle things up -- and then unleash it upon themselves? What are they supposed to do? I have a friend who cannot get angry, who bottles things up, and god forbid may explode one day really bad. What are they supposed to do?[/quote] The best thing is to forgive from the hear, then the anger is not bottled up, and there is no steam to blow up, but I guess that isn't easy. In that case, they should get angry, but not take it out on people, but instead have a workout. The Japanese had a system wherin any worker who was upset with his manager or someone, could go to the punching room, put on his punching gloves, and beat the hell out of punching bags in that room. Sometmes they had rubber statues of the managers for real fun. The japanese are a very courteous people. This is perhaps the reason. All the violence onto rubber dummies. :) |
Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board |