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How important is the husband's economic support? |
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Anonymous |
08/31/04 at 15:17:31 |
Assalamu Alaikum, As I have recently been thinking a lot about marriage (i am 22) and what I want in a potential husband, I have gotten into a recent dilemma, and I would appreciate other peoples input and advice. The first thing i want to consider in choosing a husband is his deen. I realize that this is the most imporant issue to consider. My question is how much emphasis should I place on his economic position, or ability to support me and a family at a reasonable level. I do not wish to live a lavish lifestyle, but I have grown up with a certain standard. Is it wrong of me to seek a pious husband who can provide for his family at a level close to what I have now? Mostly, I just want to feel a certain level of security. Of course, all provision comes from Allah(swt) and He does test us with our wealth. I would not be the type of person to become upset with my husband if we were to through some tough financial hardships at time, rather I would show him support and courage. Specifically, i have starting getting to know a brother (who grew up in a lower economic situation than I did), he initially seems to have good character and deen, but I am unsure of his ability to provide the type of support that I am looking for. Based on this, should I not pursue things any further? Also, my parents are hesitant about me pursuing marriage discussions with someone who does not have a stable job and I would not go against their wishes. I hope that I am not coming across as snobby or demanding, I just want to make sure that i don't put myself in a situation that I cannot handle. I have been praying a lot for guidance in this matter and I would greatly appreciate any advice! JazakumAllahu Khair, Your sister |
Re: How important is the husband's economic suppor |
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Kathy |
08/31/04 at 22:50:30 |
[slm] My experience. I grew up in a well to do home. I was single and had a great paying job. I married a doctor and lived on the fabulous gold coast. We divorced, but I had a very high paying job. So, like you I had what I wanted (please note the use of the word "wanted' not "needed') I remarried a man with a degree that would be able to support me in the manner I was accustomed to. But then life happened and we became candidates for food stamps. It was an adjustment. But Subhannah Allah, it never was a problem for me. We just did with what we had. Sometimes I look back and shudder thinking of the ways I wasted money. While we have very little, I am more comfortable now than ever before. Sigh, I say we have little, but I have so much more than the companions ever had. What more do we really need other than a roof, clothing and food? Many will disagree with me. But I say marry for the deen. If he is a good Muslim man, this is worth more than any gold. Insha Allah, you will also get a bonus and get a great love with this Bro, too. Allahu Allum, you just never know with whom Allah swt will send down His riches. Insha Allah, I hope you are reading those last two words very carefully. |
Re: How important is the husband's economic suppor |
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sal |
09/01/04 at 00:14:12 |
It is not bad to live in a good standard financially ,and it is not must to always seek the same standard but is also difficult to come down to a very lower without previous training .what I mean by training is that if you have more financial ability that you can assist him with to start almost a reasonable level,that would better until you go deeper in the life real journey where his character will be the major point that can make you happy much more than what money can bring .whilst this training is taking place with an expectation of going down in the coming days., according to the fact he has no good finance, then you have already got some thing that can replace what you are lacking, and this way you wont feel the shortage . although this should not mean he has to pay the cost of his poorness to be expected as ANGLE ,he will be only in most cases a very good person not at everything .This should also be taken in a consideration But who knows things can be changed and he can be better than he is . and definitely things will be better inshallah , calculate this way :) he has been one person and what he has is only his share ALLAH has set for him but when you get married you will be two in number but one as a company so ALLAH will give you two shares and you will use it for one corporation and that will inshallah be sufficient to give you good life and a little blessed is better than much not TAZAWAJU ' FUGHARAA' YAGHNIKUM ALLAH (get married poor and ALLAH will enrich you ) ;-) |
Re: How important is the husband's economic suppor |
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jannah |
09/01/04 at 01:21:35 |
walaikum salaam, you ask a tough question sister.. apart from the standard of living, i think some of your concerns should be more about expectations and how you were brought up, because people from various socio-economic backgrounds are very different. they sometimes just have differing values and priorities. for example, if you are used to eating out all the time in nice restaurants and taking travel trips to exotic locales.. and he's more into ghetto fried chicken and going to the local park will u be ok with that ;) ... or if his priorities are more in certain things and yours are in others.... so in your case, i think you should really ask yourself what your values and priorities are... and what his are, and do they match? and if you are willing to live in a different standard of living or live a life that might be different from what you always 'expected'? i totally agree with kathy in that marrying someone who is a good muslim is the best way to go.. they will always support you.. whether poor or not... sometimes i wonder why some sisters i know are obsessed with marrying a doctor, lawyer or someone wealthy? is seeking out someone who will always be busy with work or wealth the way you want to go for a happy marriage? as you said all provision is from Allah... I've seen sisters marry a wealthy "good job" brother but then their lifestyle changes for reasons, and I've seen sisters marry very poor brothers and their lifestyle changes and they are fine...they would all no doubt tell me the person is much more important than the job!!! about your parents, they are right to be concerned if he doesn't have an income because it's his duty to provide for the family....but sometimes parents say that, but they really mean that they are more concerned with how much that income is and other prestige related things.. not necessarily if it's really a steady job ;) and if the parents are insistent of wanting him to have a high income job regardless of anything else that is something you will have to try to change in them inshaAllah... i don't know if any of that made sense.. just the older i get the more i realize how short this life is... but inshallah just think over what u believe to be important and are comfortable with and of course have trust in Allah :) |
Re: How important is the husband's economic suppor |
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lala |
09/01/04 at 11:08:12 |
[slm] Amen to that Jannah...For sure, people chase this 'ideal' thing. Look for the quality of the person....and life is short and we all need to get off this high horse that we are on. Stay away from those with superiority complexes I say...go for the humble pauper ;) [wlm] |
Re: How important is the husband's economic suppor |
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Mona |
09/01/04 at 13:41:27 |
[slm] as long as he is holding a steady job, and has ambitions, then it should be fine. it is up to you, and you have to ask yourself, can you really live without some of the luxeries you currently have for this person. is he worth it? or would you rather to wait for someone else? and about deen, it is really good that he is a religious person. make sure that his character is also good. praying istikharah will help you, insha'Allah. take care wassalam Mona |
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