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| Revert Sisters i need some Marriage advice |
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| resistance4ever |
| 09/20/04 at 04:32:51 |
| [slm] This question is aimed mainly at married revert sisters who have married arab or asian men, or men from a different "culture", although i'd be happy to hear from all amrried sisters. I recently got married to a revert who converted 3 years ago. Her Iman is strong and she's made me a better muslim. However we still havnt moved in together yet as she's looking for a suitable job in my home city, so until than we see each other at weekends and she stays at my parents house as thats where i live at the moment until we find our own place. Now the thing is, i'm stating to find theirs a bit of a culture clash, as in theirs little things we indians/pakistani's do which really annoy her, as she is english. Its simply things like not having all matching plates in the kitchen, or having flowery wallpaper, or over the top carpet designs, and dodgy showers and this seems to annoy her. Now when i go round and stay at her parents house (they are english/non-muslims), i find their house to be rather to plain, plain carpets, plain wallpapers, not very homely to me. So what i wanna ask is how did the revert sisters and their husbands compromise on how they would have their homes, as they both come from completely different family backgrounds. HELP! :'( m |
| Re: Revert Sisters i need some Marriage advice |
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| dina |
| 09/20/04 at 04:41:33 |
| [slm] well, am not a revert but i wouldnt like to have flowery carpets, dodgy showers on that other hand i would`nt be plain and boring i think all that depends on personal choice it shouldnt really be an issue my adivice to you is, since you both dont have a place of your own dont complain about each others parents houses and respect the way things are done in both houses when you get your own place compromise on the decor and little give ant tkae will make you stronger, and make your own set of rules how things should be done and make SURE YOUR PARENTS dont interfere with the way she wants to do things and get the dodgy shower fixed this would irritate majority of sisters regardless of background good luck |
| Re: Revert Sisters i need some Marriage advice |
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| workingmuslimah |
| 09/20/04 at 09:14:42 |
| [slm] I'm a convert of English origin and my plates don't match! I think it is a matter of personal taste rather than culture, I have seen plenty of Arab and Indo-Pak families with matching plates... You can't change either set of parents' tastes so put up with it - except if you get the dodgy shower fixed I am sure everyone would be grateful. Don't let the decor issue get out of hand, it's really not that important in the overall scheme of things. But talk it through and work out compromises - if she likes plain walls maybe you can agree on an area rug with more colours and floral designs. Painted walls with stencilling or wallpaper borders would be another plain-versus-patterned compromise. I find too many patterns overwhelming and distracting, but everything plain would look very boring to me - a bit of both is the way to go IMO. Either work on it together or agree that one partner will take care of the interior design and the other one will accept the outcome - but work out some ground rules if there are colours or patterns that either of you absolutely hate. (I couldn't live with dark blue walls, for example, although I have known both Pakistani Muslims and Scottish-Canadian Christians with dark blue living room walls). And if anyone is addicted to floral wallpaper, if you D-I-Y you will hate it by the second wall. BTDT. |
| Re: Revert Sisters i need some Marriage advice |
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| timbuktu |
| 09/20/04 at 10:06:42 |
| [slm] word of advice from a man married for 25 years, the husband and the pedestrian have the right of way, as long as they do not exercise it. Leave the house to the lady of the house. It is her domain and her pride. |
| Re: Revert Sisters i need some Marriage advice |
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| Caraj |
| 09/20/04 at 16:08:22 |
| I agree with Timbuktu, about the home being a wifes domain. But one room in the house should be yours. So when you two get your own place Pick a room (like the living or family room) and say to her something like, Tell you what, you decorate the whole place as you see fit. But let us pick one room that can be mine to do with as I please. Women take pride in their homes and when someone wants to do something different sometimes they take it personal, like someone thinks they are not doing a good job, instead of taking it as just someones opinion or preference. Divy up the rooms, maybe if you have a 2 bedroom apt or house she can decorate the mater bedroom and you the guest room, her the kitchen and you the livingroom. When I was married he had awful taste and it drove me nuts, he has a ceramic skull which he thought was soooooo cool ::) I hated blood and guts movies and he loved them. I liked only movies that were uplifting and made you walk away feeling hope and good not sad. So there are many things to adjust to when blending 2 lives not to mention 2 different cultures. |
| 09/20/04 at 16:13:39 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Revert Sisters i need some Marriage advice |
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| eleanor |
| 09/21/04 at 16:23:09 |
| [slm] One word - compromise, compromise, compromise... Luckily my husband dislikes "tacky" decor. But we do have one bunch of artificial flowers. They look real however so I can live with them. I was just thinking today how my husband seems to have "backed off" recently, as regarding having his own way on things. But actually I think that after more than 8 yrs together we have come to mold ourselves into each other and come to accept the other's point of view. I don't like plain decor either, but as some of the sisters mentioned you can brighten up plain walls with stenciling or a dedo rail with patterned wallpaper below and plain walls above.. it's a bit early 90's though. FWIW my husband likes white walls... So give it time insha Allah. 3 yrs is relatively little. Wait until you get your own home and you will be fine. wasalaam eleanor |
| Re: Revert Sisters i need some Marriage advice |
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| Dawn |
| 09/22/04 at 05:20:43 |
| [slm] I ditto Eleanor's advice: compromise, compromise and more compromise. Oh, and did I mention compromise? Personally, we have tried to look for things which we both like. This often means not having decor which we each individually love but also not having stuff we find really annoying. And yes, this takes time and effort. But it is worth it. In your case, perhaps something like plain walls with lots of patterned accent pillows or wall hangings (in patterns you can both deal with). Or perhaps loud carpets with a large plain throw carpet over the middle, so the loud parts form a border. Or a patterned carpet which isn't loud but isn't plain either, that you both find somewhat attractive, even if it isn't your favorite. Or something which is very different and might be taste-neutral for both of you like perhaps wood floors. Also, keep in mind that as you are both exposed to each other's cultural "quirks", your tastes are going to change. You might find yourself realizing some day that, hey, that plain carpet and minimalist look is growing on me. About the same time, though, she might start thinking, you know, we need more floral accents around here. Tastes aren't set in stone. Next, remember that this is just ONE of MANY culturally influenced differences which could potentially cause conflict over the years if you let them. (I say culturally influenced, as some of these differences will just be personal taste and some will be more related to the fact that one of you is male and the other female, but they will be magnified by your culture of origin.) It won't just be decor, but what you eat, when you eat, what you consider "dressed up", what you consider "on time", manners, discipline of children, to name just a few off the top of my head. And all of these will require compromise and level headed discussion if you are to ward off turning them into points of conflict. But working together towards compromise will not only increase your communication skills as a couple and give you better understanding of your partner, it will also make your relationship with your spouse stronger. Lastly, don't fool yourself into thinking you have seen the last of the cultural disagreements. Eleven years into it, I still find myself thinking ... "you really think that's how it should be? :o Oh boy, how are we going to resolve this one?" But with sufficient effort, we manage to do so, one way or another. |
| 09/22/04 at 05:22:57 |
| Dawn |
| Re: Revert Sisters i need some Marriage advice |
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| Kathy |
| 09/22/04 at 08:56:35 |
| [slm] I read in anoher post you like boxing and weight lifting. :-[So my thoughts are..... the day you let her decorate your boxing room, you can decorate the living room.... ;) |
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