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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Re: What to do? |
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| UmmWafi |
| 09/23/04 at 03:32:50 |
| [wlm] sis Silverose First and foremost its near impossible to prevent the visit for obvious reasons. Secondly, depending on where you are, it might be expensive for him and his whole family to put up at a hotel. Thirdly, I am not a Pakistani but I should imagine that if this is their first visit, it could certainly be extremely awkward to deny them the hospitality of your home. I wouldn't want to be in a situation whereby there is a high possibility of me offending my family's feelings and sensibilities and neither would I want to put my husband in that kind of situation. I do understand your concerns because when my brother got married last year, two of my male cousins and their families put up at my home for 5 days. Try looking for a thin cotton hijab and loose cotton abayas to wear while they are around. You can change out of the abaya when they are off visiting somewhere else. With regards to the baby, there is always the sanctuary of your room no ? I am sorry if I cannot give you a reply that would lead to your bro-in-law not staying at your house but I myself come from a huge huge huge family network... Good luck. Wassalam |
| Re: What to do? |
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| MIT |
| 09/23/04 at 05:48:36 |
| assalaamu alaikum Oh come on! What are sisters made of these days? Paper? The slightest inconvenience and the complaints begin. Masha'Allah there are loads of sisters out there who have to live with in this scenario day-in-day-out because they live with their in-laws. Ideal? No. But do they survive and find a way to deal with it? You bet! Establish a niyyah with which you can get some reward. |
| NS |
| Re: What to do? |
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| lucid9 |
| 09/23/04 at 05:48:47 |
| [slm] This is why my mother was so insistant that me and my sibling pals only get married to folks from deshiland even though we are completely American. My mom said american girls/boys no matter how good they seem will never put up with my brother and sisters (even though they are very easy to put up with) let alone my parents. Folks say, it is simply not in their cultural makeup to accept an "extended family" into their lives No offense intended...but a guy's brother is a guy's brother. He's spent his whole life with him -- from the time of birth till today. A guy would be hard-pressed to partially forsake that relationship for a women who he has known for only a year or two (no matter how great she is and no matter how many kids he's had with her...) And anyhow, the scarf issue is pretty trivial. You do as best as you can -- and if a hair shows every now and then it shouldn't be a big deal... (I.e. you can hardly be expected to walk around with a jilbab and tightly wound scarf at home...) Sorry for being so harsh. No offense intended... |
| Re: What to do? |
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| UmmWafi |
| 09/23/04 at 06:05:50 |
| [slm] Sis Silverose Reading the replies from the 2 brothers above, do you see what I mean by sensibilities and sensitivities ? You know brothers, despite the fact that you cannot appreciate the "supposed" difficulties a hijabi sister might feel, these difficulties are real to her. When someone voices out his/her concerns, those concerns are worrying enough for him/her to voice out. Whether we assess those concerns as legitimate or trivial is our PERSONAL opinion. In cases like this, if you can help, help. If not, then tact and diplomacy is perhaps better. And no. Ladies these days are not made of paper. Until you have to be the one observing your awrah 24/7 while maintaining house AND taking care of a baby, I don't think you should be the one judging what is or what is not a slight inconvenience. I doubt sis Silverose expects her husband to forsake his brother from birth for the mother of his children. I think she was rather asking for a solution that can strike a balance between the visit and her personal comfort. Which I dont think is so wrong after all. Wassalam |
| Re: What to do? |
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| Asia |
| 09/23/04 at 07:49:39 |
| We (my family and I) live in the UK but obviously have to visit Libya (origional birthplace) quite regularly. Until recently, we had no house of our own so had to stay at uncle's houses, all of whom had sons. At the beginning I found it difficult having to keep on the watch and the hijab close at hand. I,finally (Alhamdulillah) managed to keep my hijab on all day long, taking it off for Wudu and eventually, sleep when the day ended. Having started off as seeing it as a burden and a bother to have to keep on the watch, I now see it as a kind of freedom. Having it on grants you the freedom to move around like normal, and see to your every-day cares without having to worry lest anyone should see anything of you. |
| Re: What to do? |
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| tq |
| 09/23/04 at 10:42:53 |
| Assalamo elikuim Try a cotton dupatta or may be triangular cotton hijab. I have all the time people coming to our house for couple of days visits, my husband's friend with families, brother-in-law with family, my husband's nephew,my cousins(since we are in Philly and that is where they have some doctor exams:) ). So I have tried different alternatives, I know many people say cotton dupattas are best, but for me when working in kitchen etc, triangular hijab is best since you have more room to move your hands :). It is completed tested , I have made parathas wearing that and washed pots/pans :) Best of luck tq |
| Re: What to do? |
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| timbuktu |
| 09/23/04 at 10:53:48 |
| [slm] well, this brother sympathises with your problem. can't offer any practical advice, though. and these days, even desi wives are finding it difficult to put up with the demands of an extended family. However, make the niyyah, ask allah for help, and do what the sisters have said. insha'Allah this will pass off as a success, here and in the hereafter. :) |
| Re: What to do? |
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| MIT |
| 09/23/04 at 16:54:39 |
| assalaamu alaikum I am sorry sister. My mistake - i thought that it might be for a couple of weeks. A couple of months is quite a different thing. hmmm.... how about... every now and then, you spend a weekend at your mum's (if she lives close). I guess it'll be a break. Tough situation, and i'm not sure what else to suggest. |
| NS |
| Re: What to do? |
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| eleanor |
| 09/23/04 at 17:49:51 |
| [slm] I think it might be difficult for your brothers in law to understand what the problem is, because what I have observed from the Pakistanis that I have come into contact with, is that the women consider the brothers in law or cousins as their own brothers, and vice versa, so they are not as scrupulous in front of them as they would be in front of strange men. They probably think if you just loosley wear a dupata then it's fine, even if half your head is showing. That doesn't mean you have to adopt this. It's probably wrong etc, but it's what they are used to. Just so you know where they are coming from. That's the first point. I had my parents in law stay with us for 3 months in a 1 bedroom apartment. Obviously I didn't have to cover in front of them but the privacy issue was pressed upon. What worked for us, and what they fully co-operated in, was that our room was just that - our room. They never, ever came in unannounced or without us asking them to. I think, especially with a baby, you need to make your bedroom your own private haven. Prepare things before the visitors come, so that your room has everything in it that you need. We had a TV and VCR, and also our computer in our room. Never mind loads of books etc. I really don't think they will expect you to be sitting with them 24/7. You can withdraw after dinner, just you and the baby. Your husband needs to spend time with his family. Try not to pressure him about always sitting with them and not with you. Your mother in law will probably try to spend as much time as possible with you and the baby. Try to always be gracious and smile. If you get annoyed try not to let it show. I really appreciate what you are facing and I wish there was a magical solution, but to be honest I think that if you do this for your husband and do it with good grace, then you will be rewarded with love and respect from him and his family and also rewarded for your patience and selflessness by Allah. My husband hasn't been home in almost 13 years. And his parents came here that once to see us. I wish that his whole family could come and stay indefinitely, (and he has 9 brothers and sisters, not including spouses and kids!), just for his and their happiness. I'd hate to come between them for whatever reason. Life is too short. His parents are old and sick and are worried they may never see him again. Please make dua that Allah opens a way for him to go home soon, insha Allah. wasalaam eleanor. |
| Re: What to do? |
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| lucid9 |
| 09/23/04 at 17:57:58 |
| [slm] sister, nobody's making judgements about you...the reverse happens all the time: mother of wife comes to visit for long periods of tims and the hubby starts to be less enthusiastic about it once the appeal of this new wondrous source of biryani wears off. and about brother's in law being "death" -- iy!! There is is sharh (explanation) and a background to every hadith. You can't just quote without knowing the cirumstances of any hadith... |
| 09/23/04 at 17:59:52 |
| lucid9 |
| Re: What to do? |
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| jannah |
| 09/23/04 at 18:28:36 |
| wlm, silverrose its definitely something u and ur husband will have to work out over long term inshallah. may Allah give you sabr inshaAllah. please ignore the criticisms on the board. know that no one really knows you or the details of your situation so take everything with a grain of salt as general opinions! |
| Re: What to do? |
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| nida |
| 09/23/04 at 18:36:12 |
| [wlm] a silverose, I TOTALLY understand your situation. I know how hard it is.Living under the same roof with a non-mahram for a few days is ok. But when it goes to months, its difficult to cover all the time. But, herez my advice: dupattas don't work!(atleast in my opinion). Unless you are willing to fix them every 5-10 minutes.I have noticed that they gradually become loose and slip off your head. So, a hijab would be much more convenient. :-) {But the pin under your chin does get irritating!} Like eleanor said, make sure you have your privacy. Take some time out for yourself Pray to Allah(swt) to make it easy for you. Hope that helps. |
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