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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Why husband is too busy to contact wife |
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| Angelic |
| 09/23/04 at 20:06:22 |
| [slm] I have a problem with my husband, we are living in seperate countries at the moment. A month ago we were together for 2 months but he has since returned to his place of employment. Since I returned to my country he has not replied to my emails or phoned me and only sent a few text messages (this is in the space of about 1 1/2months). On a text message I asked him why, he told me was too busy due to some preparations at work. :( Knowing that I wasn't even on his list of priorities certainly didn't put a smile on my face, and of course my mother had to make a remark about it not taking more than 30 seconds to quickly say hello. Something which I already know. I read somewhere that we always had to give our fellow muslims so many excuses, but is this worthy of an excuse? how can a brother just say to his wife he has been too busy to contact her for more than a month. I was wondering also what the brothers on this board make of his excuse from a man's point of view. thanks in advance ??? Very confused |
| Re: Why husband is too busy to contact wife |
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| timbuktu |
| 09/23/04 at 20:25:39 |
| [slm] the male of the species is normally is thick-headed. It is wrong to take everything for granted, and your husband should keep in touch with you, but please do forgive him, he is just being what we males have programmed into us. when I try to remember how inconsiderate I have been to my wife, or even my mother and sisters, I shudder, but I haven't changed much. They have learnt to put up with me. Do let him know that as your husband, he should be more frequently communicative. I am sure he will see this, when told. |
| Re: Why husband is too busy to contact wife |
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| dina |
| 09/24/04 at 03:53:29 |
| [slm] why cant you live in the same country ???? i guess you have to patient the next time he calls tlak to him, tell him you are not happy etc ect arrnage a time where no matter what hes doing hes has to call you, even if its just once a week to start with, get some kind of communication going and take things from there [wlm] |
| Re: Why husband is too busy to contact wife |
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| Angelic |
| 09/25/04 at 02:28:41 |
| thanks for your replies. Unfortunately when I say anything to him he just accuses me of nagging. What I don't understand really is that men have grown up under the influence of not just their father but their mothers, but probably their mother's have had a greater influence and of course mother's are females. Why does a man only extend his consideration out to his mother, what about other females, or more importantly his wife. You said that you don't change and your family accept it. Why does the female have to compromise her needs all the time. It drives me batty. >:( |
| Re: Why husband is too busy to contact wife |
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| timbuktu |
| 09/25/04 at 03:09:17 |
| [quote author=Angelic link=board=madrasa;num=1095980782;start=0#3 date=09/25/04 at 02:28:41]thanks for your replies. Unfortunately when I say anything to him he just accuses me of nagging. What I don't understand really is that men have grown up under the influence of not just their father but their mothers, but probably their mother's have had a greater influence and of course mother's are females. Why does a man only extend his consideration out to his mother, what about other females, or more importantly his wife. You said that you don't change and your family accept it. Why does the female have to compromise her needs all the time. It drives me batty. >:([/quote] _______________ [quote]You said that you don't change and your family accept it[/quote] I was just being modest :) of course we feel pangs of shame after we have neglected our duties or have been inconsiderate, and when we find we have gone on doing the same, we protect ourselves by shifting the blame, or we will lose all respect for ourselves, and then we wouldn't be able to fend for our family in the Big Bad World outside our home. Then someting triggers it, maybe the birth of a daughter, the faces of our wives looking helpless and crying, some illness through which the wife has given some extraordinay care, or old age ..... and then we change, but again habit is difficult to discard, and we men are prone to see our own issues as the dominant ones. Selfish, you would say, and in cultures that value the male more than the female, this is common. But despite all this, he is your husband, and he loves you, only he is being male, that is all. :) He is wrong. He should definitely be more responsive to your needs. We were very communicative when my wife lived in England for nearly two years while I was in Pakistan, but then I was 34/35 at that time. It also depends on the age (mental age, and being easy or uneasy with words) |
| Re: Why husband is too busy to contact wife |
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| Angelic |
| 09/25/04 at 19:09:23 |
| thanks Timbuktu. You mentioned age, we are 38/49 so should be mature enough to have respect but since he is a male from a male dominated society i guess that just goes out the window. This little matter unfortunately is just part of a bigger one and it's not easy at all. I do not have a visa for where he lives (KSA) and he refuses to provide any support for me also. I know this is wrong and I've been told by an Imam this is wrong, however, he makes up his own rules, and as I mentioned before I just accused of nagging or even pushing him to obey me. Bit twisted and warped in my opinion. Glad you kept up good communication with your wife when you were seperated for a long time, it's only through actions one can show you truly love someone, words alone mean nothing. thanks again |
| Re: Why husband is too busy to contact wife |
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| Caraj |
| 09/25/04 at 23:01:51 |
| [quote author=Angelic link=board=madrasa;num=1095980782;start=0#5 date=09/25/04 at 19:09:23]I know this is wrong and I've been told by an Imam this is wrong, however, he makes up his own rules, and as I mentioned before I just accused of nagging or even pushing him to obey me. Bit twisted and warped in my opinion. [/quote] And you are tollerating this behavior cause ????????????????? I am not asking you as something to answer I am giving you a question to ask your heart and mind. I pray all goes well for you. |
| Re: Why husband is too busy to contact wife |
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| Maliha |
| 09/26/04 at 09:26:07 |
| [slm] Sis Angelic, at the end of the day culture is the biggest cope out one can use. The man still chooses to act like a jerk, his "culture" does not make him do so/ or not. I know Saudi men that are sweet, kind, and very thoughtful...and some that are jerks (like any other men around the world). The fact one acts a certain way, can only be blamed to a small extent on his society and upbringing...especially when our religion instructs us to act in a very righteous, forebearing and kind manner..If he decides willfully to flaunt Divine dictates and make up his "own" rules, then that is his choice and he will pay for the consequences of his actions (in this world or the Hereafter). And being "male" and therefore naturally selfish and chauvinistic is also something I don't buy at all. The most gentle, compassionate, sweetest man to tread this earth was our beloved Prophet [saw]. He set the example for everyone else, on how to treat, nurture and respect those around us. It's not "biologically innate" in men to be jerks, they are obviously capable of great feats of character (as evidenced by all the nice guys around us). Again, at the end of the day, its a person's *choice* to act a certain way, and his/her biology, society, composition are only small bulwarks that he/she has to and can transcend. I know many husbands that are exact opposite of everything you state..and they come from these "male dominated" cultures, and they are male, and they embody all the beauty that a woman would dream of and more. And trust me sis angelic, they are out there, not as exceptions (its just that we don't hear the beautiful stories as much...) I am not sure what advice to give you...except that I will be making mad duahs for you. At a certain point, you might have to make some tough decision..may Allah guide and help you both (amin). [wlm] |
| 09/26/04 at 09:30:00 |
| Maliha |
| Re: Why husband is too busy to contact wife |
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| timbuktu |
| 09/26/04 at 11:00:11 |
| [slm] the age is not one of immaturity, and your husband is neglecting his duty of caring for you. sister Nur_al_Layl also said quite a few things that are true: e.g. the prophet [saw] is indeed our model, and our religion does teach us to be wonderful persons. but the sad fact is that many of us aren't good persons. Some of us are, but most do lack in many departments. I have seen wives and children being beaten, even the arms of a child being broken, wives being locked when the husband goes out, and all this from educated persons, even those who have worked as professionals abroad. I have seen violation of every rule. I have seen on discussion boards a lack of manners, a trying to put women down, a gruff attitude, and this by supposedly educated Muslims. Of course there are the odd mild-mannered Muslim males, there are those who abide by the rules because they believe in them, but our people need an internal reform, basic internalisation of morality, humanity and manners. and I need these lessons first. I can see the type of most horrid person I would have been if Allah (swt) hadn't knocked off some of my assets:- o if I hadn't grown up as an orphan, o if my health hadn't been on a knife-edge, o if I hadn't received shock after shock of facing failure at work, o if my work had been recognised by my employers. I would then have been insufferable. in fact my sisters, and my wife, and my daughter and almost every female in the West have found me incorrigible. Not that I am a paragon of virtue now :( Don't you see sister Nur, there is so much to reform in the Ummah, and the responsibility rests very much on mothers, even though when the male of the species goes out in the world, he will pick up some undesirable attitudes. When my father died, I was twelve. My mother had seen and experienced the chauvinism of the males, so she protected my sisters by making sure we did not boss them around. Even then we did not exactly treat them as our equals, except perhaps one of my brothers (among us six brothers). and that is an understatement. and my wife would have volumes to fill about my shortcomings. I have never remembered her or our children's birthdays, for a start. no, sis the male of the species is not nice to have around, but the truth is that the world needs both genders to go on. :) |
| 09/26/04 at 11:13:56 |
| timbuktu |
| Re: Why husband is too busy to contact wife |
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| Angelic |
| 09/26/04 at 17:56:43 |
| thank you sis Aziz, sis Nur and Timbuktu for sharing your thoughts with me, it has helped me a great deal. Sis Aziz you mentioned about tollerating this behaviour, I'm just one of those people who like to give the benefit of the doubt and other friends encouraged me to be patient telling me that God inflicts hardships on those he most loves but I know in my heart that I cannot continue like this for the rest of my life. Timbuktu I certainly agree with you that people need internal reform. I know I am not perfect either but I do have a brain and common sense. It's interesting to talk about manners in the ummah, recently I was in Egypt. What striked me the most about Egypt was that seemed to be in competition with Japan for the people with the worst manners. As a revert this situation in my life certainly didn't help my belief in Islam at all. I know what I have experienced has obviously just been cultural but it's just been so hard. Thanks again for your help. I certainly have gained some clarity towards making my decision, the longer I'm in this situation the more sins this man will commit I think because men don't seem to make changes unless a bulldozer ran over them....sorry Timbuktu but you probably agree. Angelic |
| Re: Why husband is too busy to contact wife |
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| timbuktu |
| 09/27/04 at 08:18:14 |
| [slm] I hope my posts have not encouraged you to make a wrong decision.n The problems with us Muslims have many roots, and the solution is education and training to return to the purity of the faith. No, I wouldn't agree that to be run over by a bulldozer will reform your man. A bulldozer will yield a flatened body of a man, not a reformed one. :) Don't take me too literally, I am known to be very depreciating of myself and the group I represent. When my wife was in the UK, apart from an intial turning over of my bank account (400-500 pounds), I was not able to send her anything. My Pak income could not support a wife in the UK. She was with her father and brother there, and they looked after her expenses. So, lay it on lightly; don't bulldoze your husband. :) |
| Re: Why husband is too busy to contact wife |
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| Maliha |
| 09/27/04 at 09:03:55 |
| [slm] I really want to stress to you sis Angelic, that your experiences are rooted in the cultural problems...but there are too many really *amazing* men out there, that make up for the ones that are just not reflections of the best of this Ummah. Br. Timbuktu, your analysis of yourself maybe a bit harsher than what your wife/family may say. And also your analysis of yourself may not quite be the reflection of this guy she is dealing with. For instance, while you loved and cared for your family despite your weaknesses (which we all have them); it really doesn't guarantee that Angelic's husband does love and care for her in the same way. Sis spend a lot of time making istikhara (just pray two Rakaats; and make duah to Allah to show you and guide you beyond doubt towards the right path). Also spend more time learning and strengthening yourself Spiritually; it is the best buffer for life's tests. May Allah aid and ease your affairs for you (Amin). [wlm] |
| Re: Why husband is too busy to contact wife |
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| resistance4ever |
| 09/27/04 at 18:29:39 |
| [slm] Timbuktu wrote: <<It is wrong to take everything for granted, and your husband should keep in touch with you, but please do forgive him, he is just being what we males have programmed into us.>> Bro no offence but i have to disagree strongly!! I know a number of brothers who are married and none of them treat their wives like this. My own blood brother was away from his wife for 3 years as she could not get a visa for the UK and he called her every other day even though the costs were huge. He didnt care though, it was his wife and the phone was the only contact he had with her. I myself cannot live with my wife yet as she is struggling to find suitable halaal employment in my home town so i text her several times a day, send emails and phone her several times a week. Even though i work full time and have a very busy schedule outside of work, i will always find time for my wife, and a text only takes 2 mins at the most to write and doesnt cost more than 10 pence! For this sisters husband to hardly contact her for a number of weeks is simply not acceptable. A muslim woman has as much rights as her husband. She has the right to be treated with honour and respect, and its the duty of the husband to be loving and affectionate towards her. Simply brushing her aside as a pastime is quiet an unislaamic and heartless attitude to take. Sister, i suggest you speak to your walee (guardian) over this and ask him to speak to your husband on your behalf or to speak to your husbands parents, and just keep it between a couple of people. He needs to be told his behaviour is not acceptable. Maybe he simply gives you the cold shoulder because he doest know how to treat a wife due to a number of reasons, and it all could be completely innocent, yet unless he is told of his behaviour being unaceptable, he will not change. Its better to stop this in its tracks before it becomes a constant part of your marriage. [wlm] ;-) |
| Re: Why husband is too busy to contact wife |
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| Angelic |
| 09/30/04 at 05:45:09 |
| Resistance4ever thank you also for your thoughts. There are many couples out there who are in similar situations, i.e. living apart for some reason usually a visa issue but nevertheless, if both were together the husband would be providing food etc. for them, the money my husband doesn't spend on me in his town should is more than a phone call at least once a week, so in my opinion this could not at all be argued over money. When I heard that many couples ring and text each other day many times a day, I thought surely I'm not thinking unreasonably so as sis Nur said it's definitely cultural. Anyway, thank you all for your thoughts Angelic |
| Re: Why husband is too busy to contact wife |
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| crescent |
| 10/30/04 at 01:43:20 |
| Salam Walaikum... [slm] You didn't give much background information...but I do think his behavior is totally unacceptable. How long have you been married and how long have you lived in different countries? Do you have children? Has he always acted like this? Could it be that he doesn't have the money to call or doesn't have regular access to the internet to email you or respond to your emails? If this is a work issue, then ask him to share it with you. If money is not the issue, then he is totally wrong...as a husband and as a muslim. 1. I would make sure he knows that his behavior is unacceptable and you can explain this to him calmy, so he doesn't take offense immediately without listening to what you need to say. 2. Talk to his mother/sisters. I dont think anyone would think this is ok. 3. We teach people how to treat us. If this is a new behavior on his behalf, then make sure he understands (through your words/emails/actions) that you will not tolerate it and you deserve to be contacted by your own husband on a regular basis. Honestly, if money is not an issue, then he should be calling you everyday! Good luck to you |
| Re: Why husband is too busy to contact wife |
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| Angelic |
| 10/31/04 at 20:27:15 |
| Dear Crescent Thanks for your reply, I have moved beyond this matter now but just to answer your questions my husband is Egyptian and I married as a co-wife. We have been living in seperate countries since we married in January and there are no children, thankfully. I'm not working at the moment but when I was I would call him everyday from work, he used to email me often but he rarely picked up the phone. He has a good job as a Uni Professor in KSA but of course he has another family who doesn't know anything about me. I left my job about 4 months ago and went to Egypt with him which was just one disappointment after another, I never met his family and was accused of nagging when I asked when was I going to meet them. I was accused of nagging when he wouldn't provide the money or even food for me to eat. Unfortunately at the time and since this was my first time as a wife I just tried to be patient and tolerate it, I thought maybe I was unreasonable and we decided to see how things go over the next year but since returning to my home country and never hearing boo out of him I realised he only wanted a fantasy and not a responsibility. He is just plain lazy and inconsiderate and weak minded in my opinion. I concluded that he was just taking advantage of me because I am able to take care of myself. If he cannot find money to make a phone call once a week, how can he possibly find the money to provide a roof over my head, clothe and feed me. I've moved on now, although for me he is not part of my life anymore I still have a few things to clean up, like going back to Egypt to get the divorce. Since this was a polygamous marriage it's not recognised in my country Australia but unfortunately recognised in Egypt. I agree with you about teaching others how to treat us, unfortunately it seemed to backfire with me. From my experience, arabic men don't seem to have any doubt that they could be wrong. thanks for your thoughts. Angelic |
| Re: Why husband is too busy to contact wife |
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| Bangachi |
| 11/02/04 at 17:00:25 |
| Dear sis, Remind your husband that it is evil to practice animal husbandry and to not mistreat the female servants of Allah. Whatever is pre- occupying him should not come before his family. Inshallah he will realize the pain he is causing you...Perhaps you can try to communicate your feelings to him...even though you have feelings of anger avoid shouting and the like ..instead calmly ask him to honestly tell you whats really going on. Perhaps...it's not as bad as you think. |
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