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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| sister in law |
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| saera |
| 09/28/04 at 14:47:36 |
| [slm] :( i am in a quandry, i would like some advice about what to do. i have been married for 8 years now and in all that time my sister in law has been pretty nasty to me. my husband does nothing about it and i have given up waiting for him to do so, the thing is that in the last year she has become very religious - which is great for her. she goes to a darsh, reads all 5 prayers and wears the hijab, and has recently gotten married, the problem is that when i walk into a room or if we are left alone together she doesnt speak to me. not a word, i'm not an angel i dont talk to her either but i cannot forgive what she did to me. i have two small children and she differentiates between my children and my husbands other sister's kids, which to me is wrong... so much so that my son thinks she hates him because she buys eid/birthday presents for the others but not for my two. i know i am bitter, but she really interfered in my marriage, saying things like that i wasnt allowed to wear trousers etc because her parents dont like it, and yet behind their back she's wearing them! am i right in thinking that she is a hypocrite and that there is no point in her pretending to be a good muslim (she's even lied to my face in the past few months!!) or am i too wound up and overreacting? please help. |
| Re: sister in law |
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| resistance4ever |
| 09/28/04 at 18:19:43 |
| [slm] I dont think your overreacting if she is buying gifts for the other kids but not yours. I'd be the same in that situation. I think a lot of her behaviour towards you comes down to jealousy and her feeling threatened by your presence. Whatever dress you choose to wear, its none of her business. if she says you wear trousers, yet behind your back she wears it also, than say it openly, say it to those she talks about you too, ie. "who are you to tell me not to wear trousers when you wear them yourself behind the backs of your family?" Sometimes you need to stand up for yourself. People will say its good to be patiant, to turn the other cheek, but sometimes you need to stand up for yourself or else you will get pushed around for the rest of your life. Speak to your husband, let him know your not happy with the way his sister treats you and your not happy that he doesnt stick up for you. Sometimes a good hard slap in the face usually shuts up the gruesome sister in laws, but it will probably have its major long term downside, so its out the question, as tempting as it sounds ;) But as a brother, all i an say is stick up for yourself. If she doesnt want to treat your kids nicely, thats just too bad, in this case id say keep your kids away from her, they could do without auties like that. A loving mother more than makes up for a nastey aunty. Makes your kids feel so proud and happy that your their mum, that they wont even give a second thought to the aunty who doesnt like them much. Lifes to short to be so concerned with people who dont like you. Brush her to one side and get on with your life. Be happy. Stand upto her when the need arises, but whenever you can, just give her salaams and leave her to it. As the great prophet Muhammed (saw) said "give salaams to the jaahils (ignorant ones) and carry on walking, dont argue with them". [wlm] |
| Re: sister in law |
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| dina |
| 09/29/04 at 07:18:02 |
| [slm] i heard my problems from sisters that are married with their in laws my advice is for what ever reasons you dont like your sister inlaw try your best to forget it. all you have to do is maintain a postive realtionship with her because she is your husband sisters and for that reason alone you will inevitably meet each for now just try a civil relationship...just a simple hello/goodbye relationship see how she reacts, if postively keep it simple if negetively try to ignore it i dont know if your husband is aware of her behavoiur towards you, maybe you could try talking to him the other things i would suggest try not to be alone with her, let you husband or another realtive be with you and her at the same time...just to reduce the risk of lies etcs when it comes to your kids, make them confident in themselves so they dont feel they need gifts from her or any other person. plus dont let them grow with ill feeling towards her. its not healthy for them, why not suggest to your husband to buy gifts for all of the children and even your sister inlaw and see how she reacts the most important thing you can do is to ask Allah SWT to soften your heart towards her and soften her heart towards you and that you can get along if you think about the things people argue about from a distance it all seems pretty silly, it leads to backbiting, gossiping being suspicius of others ect all of whci are haraam. so you have to make the first step to stop, with your sincerity allah swt will help you and inshaAllah make things easy for you and despite all this if she argues, just tell her you dont want to argue with her and leave her dont give her the chance to make an argument, if it means you have to physically leave her then leave bcoz that is better for you i know to ignore and be patient is extremly hard but try the rewards will be great not only in this life but the next to [wlm] |
| 09/29/04 at 07:20:24 |
| dina |
| Re: sister in law |
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| Caraj |
| 09/30/04 at 04:01:55 |
| Well, I know we are to be patient and accepting but 8 years :o I have to say I agree with resistance. I do have a couple suggestions 1) Ask hubby to defend you and try to start a reconsiliation between you and his sister. (But I see you already said you are tired of waiting for him to do something about it, understand he more than likely feels in the middle of it and wishes you 2 would figure it out for yourselves. Maybe instead of approaching hubby as the victim in this unfortunate matter, you can approach him with a sincere heart and request he assist in a reconsiliation. Ask his advice on how he thinks you shoudl so this, after all he has known his sister longer than you have ;) 2) Stand up for yourself, she is doing this because SHE CAN appearently get away with it. 3) Try a heart to heart talk when you're alone. Something along the lines, (but in your own words) You know, you are his sister, I am his wife so it looks like we're in this for the long haul. They way I see it, we have 2 excellent reasons to get along with one another, One my dear sister-in-law is to love and respect each other for Allah's sake and the second reason is WE LOVE the same man, you as a sister and I as a wife, so if we continue to act the way we do it hurts him more than us. Just a couple suggestions, I hope all goes well between you 2 real soon. |
| 09/30/04 at 04:06:38 |
| Caraj |
| Re: sister in law |
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| Kathy |
| 09/30/04 at 08:59:49 |
| [slm] I have a sis in law from hell.... :o never expected the Momma to say that did you? I struggled for years over her treatment of me and my family. A couple of months ago she really went over the edge. Despondantly, I just decided to cut her out of our lives. Friday, the khutbah was about reviving Muslim relationships, especially for the month of Ramadan, siting various hadith like not going more than three days without salaaming a Muslim. So you have a bigger burden than me, because my sis in law is not Muslim. However, in my community, there is a sis I just really do not like and have no intention of reforming our relationship. But it eats me up inside. I sleep wake and work while thinking of her, and how mad she has gotten me. So before I become consumed with this, I gotta make some changes with me. When the Imam was speaking, I thought to myself, no I don't want to make up with her... she doesn't serve it.. crap.. now I got to because i am a Muslim. Alhumdullillah, Allah swt has told us not to go more than three days and now I can see why. This bit of poison in me has really manifested. After the khutbah, when I decided to let it go and give salaams, we were both invited to the same luncheon. She stabbed me again at the lunch, but this time I let it go and then began to feel sorry for her. She must be in a pain I do not know about, for her to be continually antagonistic. So I made dua for her and me, ( haven't gotten over her actions and attitude yet, i need to work on that!) and gave salaams. It is what we can do. Insha Allah, it will work out for you. |
| Re: sister in law |
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| Mona |
| 09/30/04 at 10:42:45 |
| [slm] Sounds like a cat fight to me ::) Why don't you try to be an adult about it and just endeavour to make ammends, instead of avoiding her and letting shaitaan come between the two of you? I know this is bothering you so much that you felt the need to write about it here. Life is too short for this kind of stuff. Imagine the peace of mind you'll have after you straighten out the issues you have with her and have her as a friend and an advocate instead of a foe. Put yourself in her shoes, and ask her to put herself in your shoes. Time for a pep talk, methinks. A little understanding goes a long way. And remember, as Dr. Phil says, respect is earned, not commanded. take care wassalam Mona |
| 09/30/04 at 10:43:46 |
| Mona |
| Re: sister in law |
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| Caraj |
| 09/30/04 at 15:17:53 |
| [quote author=Kathy link=board=sis;num=1096393656;start=0#4 date=09/30/04 at 08:59:49] [slm] with me. I thought to myself, no I don't want to make up with her... she doesn't serve it.. crap.. now I got to because i am a Muslim. .[/quote] OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO :o :o :o :o :o Momma Mod said "Crap" I'm tellin Jannahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ;) |
| Re: sister in law |
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| Ghetto_Hijabi |
| 10/24/04 at 14:12:15 |
| [slm] I also have a problem with my sister in law (bro's wife). We are first cousins. Alhamdulilah before the marriage we had a good relationship, or so I thought. However, after she married into my family, it has been a very challenging time for all of us. She has been very disrespectful not only to my brother but to my grandparents (which are her grandparents as well), my parents, myself, my sister and her husband. Before my brother moved out, she used to say hurtful things to my grandparents, and spread lies. It came to the point where she would ignore us or say stupid stuff to us in front of other people. As a result, people know now that there are problems. She also had the nerve to not talk to anyone in the house for TWO months. Soon thereafter, my brother moved out. A few months later she came and apologized to everyone and we thought things were going to get better, but ONCE again she has started causing problems. She's disrespectful to everyone except my dad, she ignores everyone, she has called me and started yelling at me on the phone for no reason. She also likes to bring up old issues, especially the ones that deal with her comparing herself to my sister and I..about the clothes that we wear or where we live. I don't know if my brother has been trying to fix things with her. At times, I feel that he has some part in her acting like this...he has blamed me, my mom, my sister and my grandparents for certain things. He has actually pointed fingers at us in front of my sister-in-law and I think this gives her leverage to instigate even more. I really would like to patch things up, but I don't know how. I'm don't want to see my mom cry anymore and I don't want to lose my brother. My husband keeps telling me that I have to be the "bigger" person and keep working on her..but when I get ignored..I lose hope. HELP! |
| Re: sister in law |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 10/31/04 at 00:06:12 |
| [slm] resistance4ever your a brother!? ALHUMDULILAH! Im so happy to hear a brother not tell a sister who is bothered by her inlaws to be patient and put up with it. Thank God. I agree with you. If you dont stand up for yourself today, then tommorrow your daughter and other woman wont stand up for themselves...and this will go on and on like it has been going on... |
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