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| Greeting other sisters in public |
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| Caraj |
| 09/30/04 at 04:15:47 |
| When I come across a sister in the store (who I do not know) I always greet them and get the same response, either a smile, or they turn and walk away looking like who the heck is she??? They do not respond, greet back. What am I doing wrong? (I know I am pronouncing it right) I have wondered if it is cause I am not covering. I wonder if it is best to not even try to greet an unknown sister. |
| 09/30/04 at 04:16:55 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Greeting other sisters in public |
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| UmmWafi |
| 09/30/04 at 07:52:31 |
| [wlm] sis Your salaam is a sadaqah and Inshallah u will be rewarded regardless of whether u get a response or not. My advise to u is to keep going strong and offer your salaam to sisters because you will be pleasing Allah SWT with your conduct. I don't know why I keep reading about sisters not responding to salaam in the States and some parts of Europe. Maybe its cultural. Here, we are always PLEASED and HAPPY to receive and give salaam. I have on many occasions received salaam from Bangladeshi foreign workers, Indonesian domestic maids and even Muslim African American navy personnel and Alhamdulillah I have always responded with my salaam and even added ma'asalamah as they are leaving. I am glad to know that you are giving your salaam unreservedly sister. After all, that reflects your generosity :) Wassalam |
| Re: Greeting other sisters in public |
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| gift |
| 09/30/04 at 08:03:14 |
| [slm] I also get this a lot Azizah, and I think for the same reasons. In the end you become used to it and either develop a thick skin (ie you say salaam anyway) or you become reserved so that even if you want to say salaam you feel you can't. I think the best thing to do (and this advice is for myself first, then anyone else) is just to go ahead and say salaam. You at least will get the blessing for making the effort. [wlm] |
| Re: Greeting other sisters in public |
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| Kathy |
| 09/30/04 at 08:30:05 |
| [slm] Yeah this happens alot. Sometimes I think they do not understand or a bit taken back that a white gal has given salaams! And if they are our age, distracted or a wee bit hard of hearing! Before I covered, few would return salaams. shhh.. between us... if an uncovered lady gives me salaams in my neck of the woods, I do wonder.... but as umm Wafi suggested... I always give them back! I remember a sis telling me that she was sick of not recieving salams back (she was not covered), she said it was a motivating factor to cover, she wanted to be recognized as a Muslim! Really Cara, there are so mannnnnnny reasons. Do not take it personally. just think of the many people you have smiled and said hi to... and got a gruff back. I started a salaam bag... bag of candy, to get kids to give salaams. It worked wonderfully, but became very apparent, after a couple of months, salaams were being given just for candy.Last night a kid asked me why I stopped the salaam bag. I told him, lets see if anything changes. Once I explained to a kid that giving salaams is like a secret handshake.... to the coolest gang/club in the world. As a revert, it is so cool and comforting to get a salaams back. However to born Muslims it is as an automatic response like our "How are you doing?' Insha Allah your post will remind us to return that 'secret handshake.' |
| Re: Greeting other sisters in public |
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| lala |
| 09/30/04 at 10:05:25 |
| [slm] yeh it happens a lot. at one point I just stopped giving women salaams. ::) But whatever, if they dont respond back or acknowledge- its on them. They probably thinking, she not covering her head so why she telling me salaam. I'm saying Muslims exist in all varieties- just return the greeting already. Yeh, it may be intiially a shock b/c non head coverers dont exactly exude muslimness upon an initial encounter, but as long as you return a greeting and with a smile, its all good. :) dont distress, some people are just elitist too, but thats not for us to judge. SOrry if I sound a bit bitter. I think these days I just am. I'll get over it inshaAllah. :P but at least us folks on this board - esp those women folk who cover their head will recognize this issue and if said salaam too- will respond w/o question perhap a lil hesitation but will respond non the less! much love |
| Re: Greeting other sisters in public |
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| jannah |
| 09/30/04 at 14:10:46 |
| [wlm] I wouldn't worry about it too much either Azizah.. I try to say salams to women in the malls too and I get lots of different reactions - the nod - the smile - the 'who are u im trying to place u' concentrating stare - the up and down look, like 'whoooo are uuu to say salams' - the i don't speak english look - the complete ignore walk on as if they didn't hear (maybe they didnt?) - the gracious w'salam (rare) - chat started by 'where u from' etc (extrmeeely rare) so... i dunno oh well brothers reactions are even funnier: - the 'oh my god she spoke to me' shocked look - the w'salam hurrying away embarassed - the not even stopping w'salam over the shoulder - the bhangra muffin 'man she said salam she must like me' - the 'how's the family chit chat' with uncles and that's about it ;) [wlm] btw !! |
| Re: Greeting other sisters in public |
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| Khariya |
| 09/30/04 at 16:39:10 |
| [slm] I used to get real annoyed when some sisters didn't answer me back. I was talking to my cousin a few months ago, and I was telling her about "Muslim etiqutte in America" , like giving salams to any muslim you see, and she was like ;D, and I asked her whats so funny and she said if someone just gave her salam out of the blue she would think they are crazy. Then it clicked, thats why some sisters aren't giving me salams. They must have just got off the boat and in alot of countries people don;t say hello they just say the salam. So to them it must be weird for some strange person to say "hello" to them . just my analysis. its still embarrassing but its their loss not ours. |
| 09/30/04 at 16:41:48 |
| Khariya |
| Re: Greeting other sisters in public |
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| Stephanie |
| 09/30/04 at 20:19:57 |
| [slm] The Propet saw has said, "The closest of the people to Allah (swt), is the one who starts the greeting of salam." What you're doing is absolutely correct. In my experience most sisters give salam willingly, in fact most of the time we're thrilled to see another sister. I'm surprised when I hear about people not giving salams. Sometimes I see sisters acting like they don't see me until I practically have to yell Assalamu Alaikum. Generally, I've found these sisters are new to the country and may think it rude to stare, or maybe their intimidated because of language barriers. I can't say for sure. I've made several friends simply by saying salam to them in the store or school or somewhere. In your case sis, it very well may be that you're not covered and they just aren't sure if you're Muslim and being genuine. After all a lot of non-muslims know our greeting and people are sensitive and paranoid these days. Still, it's bad adab not to answer your greeting. So please keep saying "Assalamu Alaikum" [wlm] :-) |
| 09/30/04 at 20:25:16 |
| Stephanie |
| Re: Greeting other sisters in public |
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| workingmuslimah |
| 10/03/04 at 06:15:11 |
| I'm glad this topic was brought up, I have had pleasant responses and downright nasty ones to my attempts to follow this particular Sunnah. Nasty ones = blank stares and/or glaring at my as if I am some lower form of insect life. Grr. I tend to get the odd or nasty looks from one particular ethnic group for some reason, but I won't name names... I nearly gave up on this a few months back after a particularly unpleasant glare from a "sister" in hijab, but have had some really kindly salaams since... I appreciate the input from sisters who don't cover, because sometimes it is little awkward. I can't always tell if someone without hijab is a Muslim or not, obviously, so it is a little surprising to hear salaams with no outward Muslim appearance. And sometimes non-Muslims who have picked up the greeting will say it too. Sometimes it is genuine friendliness and sometimes they are just being cheeky, but I return it anyways. When saying salaams to people I don't know "works" as it is supposed to, it's a great feeling, it just brightens up the day somehow. |
| Re: Greeting other sisters in public |
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| Caraj |
| 10/03/04 at 15:34:14 |
| [quote author=workingmuslimah link=board=madrasa;num=1096528547;start=0#8 date=10/03/04 at 06:15:11] I appreciate the input from sisters who don't cover, because sometimes it is little awkward. I can't always tell if someone without hijab is a Muslim or not, obviously, so it is a little surprising to hear salaams with no outward Muslim appearance. And sometimes non-Muslims who have picked up the greeting will say it too. Sometimes it is genuine friendliness and sometimes they are just being cheeky, but I return it anyways. . [/quote] Well Sister I am glad you always return it, and let me share why. Back nearly 3 years ago when I came to jannah.org I too learned the Muslim greeting, also in my heart I felt so bad as to the anti-Islamic mentality after 911. About 2 years ago I was traveling when hubby was out to sea and I was at a motel in Colorado and was befriended by the manager of the motel who was Christian and spoke highly of her maid who was a Muslim, that morning in the office when the maid arrived for work I greeted her and she walked right past me as if I was not there. A few minutes later I asked her if she had heard me, was I pronouncing it wrong and she simply replied Yes, I heard you. Now let me tell you where my heart was at, back then it was my way of saying, 'Hi, I recognise you are present, I hold nothing against you and I accept you, Peace.' I did not say that as such but that is why I greeted, it was a way of saying I recognise your presence and I accept you. The stuck up way I was recieved made me think, hmmmmm am I unworthy cause I am not Muslim? Are Muslim women stuck up? So why not give a return greeting? Who cares if they are non-Muslim or not? Does not replying reflect the love of Allah? Does not replying open doors for sharing your faith? Does one judge who is Muslim and who is not by absence of hijab? Just some food for thought? I pray anyone reading this take it in the heart and spirit it is meant. :-) Not to be scolding or critical just tid bits to pnder ;) BTW what does cheeky mean? ??? |
| 10/04/04 at 02:42:19 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Greeting other sisters in public |
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| workingmuslimah |
| 10/03/04 at 17:00:51 |
| um, I can't figure out the quote thing... ??? >"Are you to judge who is Muslim and who is not by absence of hijab?"< Exactly. So it's best to respond with good intentions in sha Allah, such as intentions to spread salaam/peace, be friendly and kind, do a bit of positive PR work for Islam, etc etc... BTW, By "cheeky" I meant being smart or sassy ("cheeky" must be a British word? I grew up in UK)... sometimes you can tell when someone is being not quite serious. |
| Re: Greeting other sisters in public |
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| Caraj |
| 10/04/04 at 02:30:20 |
| I went back over my last post and it sure did come across wrong. It did to me anyway. So I re-worded it with Does one? Not do you.......... this was a general question but the way I worded it sounds like I was addressing the previous sister. oooops sorry |
| Re: Greeting other sisters in public |
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| workingmuslimah |
| 10/04/04 at 14:54:06 |
| No probs, sis Azizah, I took it as being in general terms. No hard feelings on my part. (when I said I couldn;t figure out the quote thing, i meant that I couldn;t figure out how to post it so it appears in a box like a quote... I'm having a techno-dumb moment) BTW I thought of you this weekend when I went to a small gathering and a brother told me "the sisters are over there" - went to the one table where 3 or 4 sisters were and said salaams, and received the silent blank/hostile stares for a good 15 seconds (which felt like much longer)... went and sat on my own at another table. Then I got up and went home. <siiiiigh> Back to the old drawing board I guess. |
| 10/04/04 at 14:55:37 |
| workingmuslimah |
| Re: Greeting other sisters in public |
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| eleanor |
| 10/05/04 at 15:52:35 |
| [slm] I was at an Open Day at the Mosque thing last weekend. They had two days of stuff going on. This mosque is in a different town and we only know a handful of people there, but masha Allah they are such nice people and good muslims. Anyways we got there late - the first talk had already started. Out in the carpark there was a tent thing set up for tea and cake and there were loads of sisters milling around. So my husband headed off inside in search of brothers and I made my way to the sisters. I was searching, searching for a face I knew and it was so obvious that I was a bit lost, but no one said Salaam, or asked me did I want some tea etc. I walked all the way through the tent, slowly and up to the tea stand and they all just looked blankly at me. (I was wearing hijab btw). So then I thought I would go inside and see if my friends were there. The women's section was totally deserted. So I went to the cafeteria area and didn't find anyone there either. The only place left was the men's prayer hall, upstairs. I had presumed the talk would be in the cafeteria (big room) and that it was over. I didn't want to go upstairs to the men's section. So I was wondering what to do. Then my mobile rang and my husband whispered into the phone "come upstairs... the talk has just begun!". So I dashed upstairs. First brother I saw while taking off my shoes, I knew. Warm salaams and asked if my husband was also there. Then I went down into the prayer hall and everyone was sitting on floor listening to the sister. And right in the front row were my sisters! All was ok! Sorry for rambling on, but I just wanted to say that if a stranger sister turns up at your mosque then please please salaam her and ask her is she new/meeting someone etc etc. I felt sooo lost and weird until I met my friends. That being said, if I had salaamed some of the sisters maybe they would have been warmer..? Allahu Ahlam, but I am one of the reserved ones who doesn't say Salaam :'( for fear of mockery/rejection. wasalaam eleanor. |
| Re: Greeting other sisters in public |
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| Halima |
| 10/06/04 at 03:39:29 |
| The best of the people The best of the people are the first to greet others. -The Prophet Muhammad (SAW), as reported by Abu Umamah |
| Re: Greeting other sisters in public |
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| Shahida |
| 10/06/04 at 04:57:21 |
| [slm] I just had to write something here...sub7anAllah, it is really very sad to still hear such stories. I think it goes totally against the spirit of Islam, of Islamic brother/sisterhood, to not greet ppl, especially if the person has greeted you with such a warm and wonderful greeting of salam :'( Sis Azizah, and all the others who feel disheartened: Know, that Allah is pleased with you for spreading the salaam:) And inshaAllah, keep on doing it. I always think, hey, alhamdulillah, at least I know that the angels are greeting me back, so what if the sisters dont. There are a few sisters on campus here, who I have greeted over and over without ever getting a response, except a few grunts here and there. But they are overpowered by all the wonderful sisters whose faces light up when they see me, and we rush to greet each other. Alhamdulillah:) Eleanor, when I was reading ur post, I thought, OMG, I hope her story is not as tragic as mine!!! I have found sisters in Germany to be very very very cold towards outsiders! I attended several functions when I was there, and *nobody* would even come near me...I felt pretty terrible, and only went to the other mosque/functions with my friend, not alone. You greet them, but the way you say "Salaamu 3alaykum" is different from the "Selamun alayküm", and immediately things turn sour :( Oh well, alhamdulillah. Even some Arab sisters were cold. I think it must have something to do with the weather :P Revert sisters on the other hand, mashaAllah, were all so warm and would greet even though they did not know me :-* So depends on the ppl, and there are warm and cold in everyone, friendly and not-so-friendly. Alhamdulillah, He swt did not create us all alike. Next time you see a hijaabi :-) at the open day at the mosque, greet her, especially if she looks lost too, hehe, it may be ME :-* Salam to all Shahida :-) |
| Re: Greeting other sisters in public |
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| jannah |
| 10/06/04 at 13:22:31 |
| [slm] this is perhaps not how things "should be" and no offense but i think that if you're new somewhere you should be the one to take the effort to say salam and introduce yourself, ask questions etc... because for people that are always there, they are busy with their own stuff and might not notice someone new, there's always tons of people coming in and out or i always feel like i don't want to be all pushy and start harassing them about who they are and what they're doing there etc. it's kinda a fine line.. but i think if ur friendly, the other sisters would be friendly inshaAllah.. |
| Re: Greeting other sisters in public |
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| buL-buL |
| 10/06/04 at 15:10:43 |
| [slm] Isn't there some kind of order as to who greets who first? The young must greet the old, the passerby greets the person sitting, the loner must greet a group first and bigger groups have precedence over smaller groups..thought i read that somewhere... ??? [wlm] |
| 10/06/04 at 15:15:08 |
| buL-buL |
| Re: Greeting other sisters in public |
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| Shahida |
| 10/07/04 at 02:00:39 |
| [slm] Jannah...I think a lot of the time, no matter *how* friendly you are towards the sisters, it just aint no use. I *always* greet first, especially when I am new, or lost (most often lost, lol ;D ) WIth some ppl, it just doesnt matter... :( And if you are helping out at a function and see a sister who is alone and looks lost, it doesnt take 5 seconds, to say "Salam sis, come into the tent, we have cake and tea, please help yourself! :) " instead of leaving her to wander around lost. I think that is only reasonable. In the story Ellie described, I would have expected *someone* to come to her at least. *they* were organising the open day, *they* knew where everything was, *they* saw her alone, *they* should have at least spent 2 secs with her to show her where to go... Bottom line: *they* just couldnt care, sub7anAllah. A lot of the time, it is called an "Open Day" or "function", and what they mean is that everyone can come, but not everyone is welcome. I attended a function a few weeks ago, the sister explicitely invited my mom and us, and even sent an email invitation. We arrived there, she showed us to sit in one room, and left us there for the entire duration. My sis went to find out if she could help them, but everything was organised. Everyone had their place, and we were hiden away in the last room of the house. The hostess and all guests just ignored us. We heard and saw people walk by, greeted them, but nobody greeted back:( We saw and smelled the food waft by, but none was offered to us. I was extremely humiliated, it looked as though we had gate crashed her event, and I left. My mother who is more gracious, found the hostess and thanked her, and then left with my sisters. She kept making excuses for the woman, I didn't buy any of it. It was a culture thing, we were the outsiders, and she did not treat us as guests, period. Soooooo, I should not have written that. but I think to put all the responsibility on the *new* or *outsider* sister is not fair. And to assume that ppl would be *friendlier* just cuz you *smile* or greet is not reality really. Ok, gotta go Salam Shahida |
| Re: Greeting other sisters in public |
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| workingmuslimah |
| 10/07/04 at 06:37:01 |
| Well said, Sr Shahida! |
| Re: Greeting other sisters in public |
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| amatullah |
| 10/08/04 at 13:13:04 |
| [wlm] I agree with what Jannah said about being in the masjid. About outside the masjid it's hard to always figure out what is going on. Because before marriage and before I lived here, we came as family to visit someone and go to entertaining places. When people said salam we pretended not to see them. I am sorry to say I did that but I did it because when you live in a Muslim country there is NO WAY that you will say salam to every sister you see. Otherwise you don't have time to do whatever it is you are out to do. So when we came to visit I guess we thought we stood out and they were telling us that we looked different than others that we were obviously not from here so they would say salam, or to tell you the truth i thought they wanted to start chatting and they wanted something. We used to think that they will tell you they are building mosques and need help and or need to bring famillies,etc whatever stories that did actually go on in that era. (this is of course many decades ago) Now that I live here i say salam to sisters myself. I guess people change and grow. Can't expect everybody to know what you do when you know it. Just know you are getting the rewards whether they answer or not. |
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