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husband remarrying
dina
10/05/04 at 09:23:17
[slm] what advice would you give to a sister whos husband is going to remarry in the next few days the main reason for her husband remarrying is she cant have children and he wants a child of his own and does not want to adopt [wlm]

Re: husband remarrying
Kathy
10/05/04 at 12:51:32
[slm] Marry another woman in addition to her? Or remarry after their divorce? And how does she feel about it and how does she feel about herself?

Re: husband remarrying
dina
10/06/04 at 07:57:02
[slm]  she will remain married to him  she is not happy with him taking a second wife, and naturally very upset  i think the nikah is suppose to take/ have taken place this week, she is not with him at the moment   [wlm]
10/06/04 at 07:57:35
dina

Re: husband remarrying
Kathy
10/06/04 at 08:12:05
[slm] When it comes to relationships and feelings, generally making any comment can back fire on you. Sometimes it is just good enough, and wise enough, to be there physically for the sis and let her spew. If she goes off the deep end, crying etc.. Words of comfort are always helpful such as patience, perseverence, holding on to the rope of Allah swt... etc are there for good reminders. However, now is not the time for lectures or bad mouthing the hubby. If you choose to talk about anything, keep it real positive, don't let her or you think about (dwell) about perceivable negatives. .. and bring some comfort food.... ;)
10/06/04 at 08:12:56
Kathy

Re: husband remarrying
jannah
10/06/04 at 13:27:43
Maybe they can try some counseling with their imam or something.. but why would he just go off and do that knowing the results??? that's wack... some people really want to sabotage their marriage(s) cause its obviously going to affect both women and him eventually... sigh

Re: husband remarrying
lala
10/06/04 at 17:28:23
[slm] This bothers me. Well be there for the sister emotionally etc.. hear her out etc. But this whole situation bothers me. This goes to show that some men have little or no regard for someone they supposedly loves' feelings. Personally ( and I know noone is asking my opinions on this right now and maybe I should stay quiet but I dont want to:)) I would leave the fool. The pain and mental agony that would follow would be too much to bear. I hope this sister finds a more feasible resolution. Counseling before it happens would probably be best. peace and love Y'all

Re: husband remarrying
MIT
10/07/04 at 05:11:22
assalaamu alaikum Hold on. She can't have children herself and she wants to deny her husband the chance to have his own children too? Ajeeb. Also, in all the threads about polygyny, sisters will commonly say "a man can't take a second wife for some 'major' reason, for example, his wife can't have kids," and now when the very situation occurs, its unacceptable to sisters. Or have i missed something? Kathy's advice was good masha'Allah, and obviously i support the husband considering his first wife's feelings going about the second marriage.
NS
10/07/04 at 05:12:35
MIT

Re: husband remarrying
dina
10/07/04 at 06:08:27
[slm] i agree with MIT, he does have a right to have a child, but he needs to support his first wife and help her to understand one of the problems is his family or maybe himself, do not want his assets to go to her if he passes away first beacause they fear she will leave everything to her maternal relatives they are both well of financially he has to remember, what they managed to save in the time they have been married is to belong to them not to be shared with the third person involved. what he earns now from this day forward, should be shared between them, but instead he re-morgaged their house. i think that was very unfair to his first wife in the case of the second wife, i feel sorry for her too she is his brothers widow and has two children, she lives with her brother in laws family. she cannot work because in the country she lives is very male dominated, she has no education or formal skills, so rather than living under someones elses roof maybe she felt compelled to get married. i dont know if she even got a choice, only Allah knows. anyway its happened now, one of the issues now is where is she going to live. she has visa and to come to her husband country. most people are saying she should live in the same household has the first wife, beacuse the hous is big enough. i dont agree because this is like setting your house on fire, bcoz how can they see each other, if he does get a child, he will naturally incline towards the second wife.....it will be a very difficult journey for the first wife i agree with sister kathy instead of telling her what to do, should just be there for her. i think its a waiting period now and see what happens, if he`ll come back alone or with her. to put someone under that kind of stress is so unfair. a cousin of mine also remarried for the same reason. again his wives are in different countries. he has a child from the second wife and she wants to join him in her husbands country. but she cant legally come her bcoz he is married already. in both cases why does the first wife have to suffer just because she cant have children? why does she have to give up her house? wassalam

Re: husband remarrying
Nistar
10/07/04 at 07:32:59
[slm] and they've already determined 100% (or so -- wa Allahu 'alam) that it is the *wife* who cannot have children?  Has the husband been tested? [wlm]

Re: husband remarrying
jannah
10/07/04 at 13:32:03
[wlm] MIT no one is denying him any of his "rights". He can go do whatever he wants, but what we are saying is perhaps he should think about how his actions will affect his marriage(s) and himself. I feel sorry for the first wife, (and the second wife b/c if he has no consideration for the first its doubtful for the second) he obviously didn't take into consideration her feelings or opinions in making this decision without her, especially given that she is so upset about it and not with him currently. This goes for any matter, like deciding to one day move overseas because he wants to be with his family. Sure he can make that decision, but without consultation, agreement and/or acceptance you are always going to cause friction in the family like that.

Re: husband remarrying
Ember
10/07/04 at 14:42:25
[slm] Gosh this is so sad. Will it be Islamically ok if the sister divorces the man because she can't bare the pain. I guess he has the right to get married to another, but does she have no rights to leave if she can't bare it? I know this might be wrong but I am vehemently against the two wives deal. If other sisters are for it, it is their decision, but in my case it would be quite unbearable. I actually know of a reverted brother who married my friend after knowing that she could not have children. That was so wonderful, msha Allah. So I know that it does not HAVE to happen this way.

Re: husband remarrying
jannah
10/07/04 at 20:56:20
fyi this looks interesting to listen to, for ppls in UK: http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/programmes/misc/harem.shtml Radio 4 examines polygamy in Islam 3rd October, 2004 The practice of having more than one spouse at a time, or Polygamy as it is sometimes called, is a cultural and religious tradition that has generated intense debate for centuries. Of the major religions only Islam allows the act, in itself a hot topic amongst British Muslims. A two-part Radio 4 programme starting next Wednesday explores the issue in more detail, from the perspective of a young British Muslim, Shagufta Yaqub, who was forced to consider the issue when it confronted her two years ago. Inside the Harem will look at the issue of polygamy from both angles - when it works and when it doesn't. What would the theological issue, as proscribed in the Qu'ran, mean in reality when faced with the situation? This is what she tries to resolve. Though polygamy is illegal under British law, she finds that the practice still occurs in the country, not something those who hanker for further integration of immigrant communities will find easy to swallow. She talks to Abdal Hakim Murad, a leading Muslim scholar at Cambridge University, who explains that the stereotypical image of the harem in western society couldn�t be further from the truth. Historically, he says, the harem offered protection and sanctuary to women. She also meets scholars, lawyers and womens' organisations in the UK and Pakistan, who shed further light on the issue. In the first programme she meets a primary schoolteacher in Birmingham who talks about how his two wives and six children all live happily in the same house and a Muslim convert says that being a second wife gives her the best of both worlds. In the second programme, she examines what happens when polygamy doesn�t work and hears some astonishing claims as to how some second wives are brought into Britain. Inside the Harem is on BBC Radio 4, Wednesdays 13th and 20th October, 11.00 � 11.30am.

Re: husband remarrying
Fozia
11/09/04 at 18:03:14
[slm] As far as I understand the husband has to provide seperate living accommodation for both wives. If he's re-mortgaged the property he might want to bear in mind that any monies contributed by wife number one are still her own. The main point being though, that he's not treating the two fairly right from the outset, plus if wife2 joins husband and wife1 will she be recognised legally as a spouse or does he live in a western country where she'll have no legal recognition?? He could have made up a will to bequeath his property to the gardener if he didn't want wife number one inheriting the lot and passing it on to her relatives. So that's a rather daft reason. When I thought I couldn't have children I told my husband to re-marry, he replied 'And what if it's my kismet not to have children?' I didn't then nor do I now have an answer. Duaas for all three methinks. Wassalaam
11/09/04 at 18:05:21
Fozia

Re: husband remarrying
sal
11/21/04 at 03:06:54
[wlm] I think this sister and all women should not take the remarrying of her husband as a kind selfishness or less love for her When a woman is not able to give child or even there is certain points the husband feels she is not able to make him happy ,thinking of remarrying is a wise decision and a prove he realizes she is doing her best but has no the capability .This other option of marrying another woman in this case means seeking some one to complete what the first one has not instead of  pressing her to be or give  what she can not which definitely ends with divorce in the long term if such a solution is not approached wisely If the first wife takes the new one under this sense that she is an assistant to share the burden of the husband instead of considering her exotic enemy sharing her husband and his love to her they can both live happy each of them has what the other doesn’t. so he feels they both are giving what he needs. The new wife then has saved the family from destruction as they would almost come to the point of divorce as long as there is lack of happiness in him Every woman or most woman like to have child but in case this is not possible by ALLAH’S will then I think the child of her husband can give her the feeling of being a proud mother if she takes part of raising the kid INSHALLAH regardless of who his real mother is .I think the remarrying idea is also good for her too She should look the positive part more. She will get the fine consequence of it in the future if she blesses this remarriage   :)

Re: husband remarrying
eleanor
11/21/04 at 07:42:49
[quote author=Salem link=board=sis;num=1096981966;start=10#13 date=11/21/04 at 03:06:54] If the first wife takes the new one under this sense that she is an assistant to share the burden of the husband instead of considering her exotic enemy sharing her husband and his love to her they can both live happy each of them has what the other doesn’t. [/quote] I think this is an excellent way of looking at it. I never thought of it like that before! Thank you for opening my eyes further and widening my viewpoints  :) wasalaam eleanor

Re: husband remarrying
Kathy
11/21/04 at 08:22:53
[slm] Just a thought/question: If the first wife loves her hubby soooooooooo much, that she can not bear the pain of him talking another wife. Would she really be able to divorce him, if he did?

Re: husband remarrying
sal
11/22/04 at 03:30:16
Some times woman may think she loves her husband because he does what she likes but she doesn’t what he does .This kind of of love is only from her side loving his assistance and not him , but he dislikes what she does and of course this affects their marital relation,mean while he  pretends he loves her just to avoid arguement and conflict for any reason .most probably for the sake of  kids or not to expose his family problems in public . its in such circumstances that men do surprise the first wife with taking another woman so if she is only taking him as tool easing her physical needs it is for such reasons woman rejects the coming of another woman.  in this case most husbands don’t care for the anger of the first wife since he is already fed up of  many issues with her .this kind of situations gives the woman the chance to get her divorce so easily and if she is this kind of woman then she can have her divorce without any obstacles  but we can not  call it she loves HIM  soooooo  much .That is what  i think  ;-)
11/22/04 at 03:43:57
sal

Re: husband remarrying
dina
11/22/04 at 05:27:55
[slm]  i think the last post is very unfair    if a husband does not love his wife, he should tell her from the beginning, should not keep her in false hope, and letting her believe he loves her i suppose that kind of set up can work for a few years but over time the husband may feel resent towards her anfd the wife not really understanding why women do not become upset with their husband taking another wife just because of the physical aspects of her needs or their relationship, other reasons include loyalty, feelings of betrayal. to put it in simple terms to most sisters the love of her husband is more important, than anything material. (maybe sr can expand on this). i agree if the woman behaves in a negative way towards her husband she makes it extremly easy for him to give her  a divorce. in the sisters case i originaly described, her husbnad came back in the first week of ramadan with his second wife, kept his second wife with his sister in another town. in the mean time the first wife left thier home and is now staying with relatives. he tried to reconcile her but she is too upset. he bought his second wife and kept her in his first wifes house a few weeks ago. the first wife is more upset. dont you think that is very unfair of him. the local community is saying they can live together the husband has also suppose to have said he will give the first wife a legal western divorce and remain married to her islamically, so that the second wife can get a visa to stay in his country my mom met the second wife yesterday, and found she was pressured into the marriage. so for both these women are suffering in the last statement from the last post, i know a sister who agreed to her husband taking a second wife, bcoz she wanted him to have a child and she also loves her husband soooo much so love cannot be measured in terms of how much a wife would allow her husband to do certain things within their marriage i think the above situation could have been resolved if her husband had handled it better. he should have explained his needs in terms of wanting a child, making her feel better about herself, letting her know he will always be there for her, even after his marriage. plz anyone who reads this mail, can you pray for the first wife, i relaly dont want her to take the wrong decision by acting in haste and out of anger. hope she get the best solution

Re: husband remarrying
onemuslimgirl
11/22/04 at 19:11:57
may Allah make this trial easier on her inshAllah.....i think the first wife should not react right now, because like u said she might do something in haste. if she lives in america she should consult a lawyer before doing anything with the divorce. she needs to know her rights and get them to the fullest inshAllah. i think in some states (california i think) gives the wife half of everything the husband owns when a divorce occurs. who knows, maybe this is for hte best. maybe not having kids is his fault not hers, and after the divorce she she can marry inshAllah and might have kids of her own. may Allah do what is best for her inshAllah!

Re: husband remarrying
sal
11/23/04 at 03:31:03
Dina  [slm] Talking about issues in general is different than talking about particular case. so ib there is some words that seem in the husbands side this doesn’t mean  it’s supporting his perosnal deeds despite his wrong behavior  may be   We are not also talking about all women to be the same as wel as all men .That is the way the post was for all women and men in general .However in this specified sister’s case  I personally would say It is  good to try to see how things go after it takes place practically for some time,at least to catch a reasonable justification in case she feels life with him not possible .she is right to do that if she feels she can not bear the situation after she practices a real suffering . The case is not then a matter of remarrying but it’s a matter of justice and bad treatment.If this is  how things are, then she is not in a problem of a man married another woman but she is facing a man who is not able to manage his marital issue even if the second marriage was not the point  he would bring some other ways she would be not satisfied with .Therfore we can say the man is not wise enough to be the right person for two women .Its not only her who is suffering  but even the other one will if he fails to deal with the issue wisely   We always say to woman to be patient but when the limit is over ,that she has tried all the ways , she is not forced to stay with a man who only brings depression , If the case reaches this point, the lack of child is not bad luck but is a good factor and chance to let her so easily go and try her chance with another man . As we know kids some times are factors to oblige woman stay with not good husband ,so she is not in such a situation if the problem is not just a matter of general objection to another woman sharing her husband  but  of a man not able to bring happiness to her .and Inshallah she will not suffer if she has chosen the right way she believes is fair and wise   who knows  may be ALLAH wanted her not to make children for this man for a reason we don’t know which is some thing meant  to be good for her BUt patience is always good and needs to be given as much chance as possible And so my Duaa is MAY ALLAH  CHOSE  FOR THE BEST AND MAKE THINGS  EASY FOR HER   :) [wlm]
11/23/04 at 03:37:22
sal

Re: husband remarrying
dina
11/23/04 at 03:52:51
[slm]  salem  jazak allah khair sound advice, i never thought of it from that perspective (justice and treatment)

Re: husband remarrying
Sunnah_
12/09/04 at 04:19:37
Inshallah khair.....I hope things work out for the best for the 1st wife. I'm not going to write a lot.....I just wanted to say that I don't think it's right for the husband to take another wife unless he and his 1st split. I do feel like it is betrayel as well, and the 1st wife is not keeping the husband from his rights of having children....he can run off and have kids, but he obviously (like others have mentioned) didn't discuss with his wife or work this properly....I don't think the 1st wife will be happy with the second wife.........especially if the 2nd has children and she has to live with seeing what thay have and the love they will have with the children and she won't have that.....and don't say they are like her own because they will not be hers... goodluck May Allah Be with her and help her make the best decision. Sunnah_
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