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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Trusting after a divorce |
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| Caraj |
| 10/09/04 at 12:49:40 |
| Some of you might remember my trusting issues post. Many of you have known me through this site for going on years now. I have offered advice to others based on my heart and my experience. Some years I think I have it all down packed and some years I am humbled to my knees. Yes I have some experience in life issues but I sure don't know it all. My heart is heavy with many feelings and I thought I would talk them out here, maybe someone has some words of wisdom, advice and such. With my upcoming divorce in the air many things are going through my head. What did I do wrong? What did he do wrong? Did I waste my last 3 years on someone? Can I ever trust again? Been married before so this will not be my first divorce, I am feeling like a used shoe to be put out at the used corner market flea market, after all I am used goods :'( Many other feelings such as: I have no problem being alone, but it is not in my heart to be alone, I love being married, having someone to cook for, talk to, share things with, the company, the companionship, I am 42 and do not wish to be alone in my 40's, 50's, 60's etc. Yet I was put on a pedestal (treated like a princess) only to be dropped on my backside and treated as one unworthy. How can I ever trust a man ever again? What man would want a woman who has been divorced and especially more then once. ??? Between my family, sons, grandchildren, and maybe getting active in some groups. I will be ok, but it is not the same as laughing, joking, loving and being with a husband. I trusted his love, his words, his commitment. How can I ever ever trust again? And besides who will want me? Forgive me if I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself, but these matters are weighing so heavily on my heart. Thank you for reading and any advice one wishes to offer. |
| 10/10/04 at 03:32:15 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Trusting after a divorce |
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| sissy |
| 10/09/04 at 20:35:15 |
| [slm] I think it's very natural for you to be feeling this way, but it's not neccessary... just have faith and trust in Allah. Those are big words, faith and trust, wich are often used too but a lot of times we are so blinded by our own insecurities and sadness that we may feel, that we forget this trust wich is so important. Allah knows what is best for us, and we may not understand always why certains things are happening to us but it is the will of Allah and it takes a lot of energy out of us if we just wallow in our sadness. You can allow yourself some time to think about what happened in your marriage and be sad about it as you are closing another chapter in your life but please don't continue this thinking of you're being used goods! You're not goods! You're a muslima...and so therefor we as muslima's have to carry ourselves with respect. I myself know of a few women in their forties who have remarried after being divorced, so really there's no reason for you to worry. Ramadan is very near and this should be a good oppertunity for you to reflect upon what's really important and cleanse your soul of these insecurities that you're feeling and concentrate on your deen, you'll be fine insha Allah, don't worry... have faith. :-) Hugs! |
| Re: Trusting after a divorce |
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| Kathy |
| 10/10/04 at 07:06:14 |
| [slm] [quote]How can I ever ever trust again? [/quote] You trust in Allah swt only. I know this is an oversimplified answer. I am really serious. Been there, really been there, I relived my whole scene as I was reading your post. Bottom line is that after all other ways of trying to deal with life, I should have just been patient and asked Allah swt to handle it all for me. Cara, you are very much like me... I am woman hear me roar... Like to be in charge... but secretly want some one to be there, too. I went through all of these same feelings. You became Muslim. Now you need a Muslim mate. So it is nothing you did... other than finding the staight path... now we gotta remove some of the bumps... turn to Allah swt for this help. Don't worry about finding yourself a hubby... If someone married me... I can not hold a candle to you! As far as feeling like used goods, most men I know, at our age, prefer a compfy worn sofa to rest in, rather than a new stiff couch. it is the month of Shaban, we are told that Allah swt hears our duas and answers them. Next month is our month of mercy. Place your prayers and trust in Allah swt. |
| Re: Trusting after a divorce |
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| eleanor |
| 10/10/04 at 07:57:44 |
| [slm] Azizah I didn't know you were getting divorced? I am so sorry to hear that. You really have a lot of highs and lows in your life at the moment! If you ask me, this is part of Allah's plan for you. Subhan Allah, he has taken away an obstacle that many married women who revert face - the tricky situation of being a Muslimah married to a non-Muslim man. I am not making judgement either way on revert women married to a non-Muslim man, but I am saying that at least it is an issue you don't have to deal with. I would advise you to concentrate on leaving those years behind you now and moving on in your quest to reach Allah, insha Allah. I never, ever say I wasted years doing something, that in hindsight might have been a waste of time. Because those years were a part of your life and you have definitely gained from them and learned things in them that you may not have learned otherwise. Instead be thankful to Allah that he has spared you from any more misery (for want of a better word) and move on. Now is a good time to spend more time in the company of Muslims. You have nothing holding you back. Get to know more about Islam, get stronger in your deen. Word will get out that there is a 40 something divorcee who has reverted to Islam and Masha Allah she is really striving in her deen. Allah will find you a soulmate. Leave that part up to him (and the aunties in the mosque ;) ). Take heart Azizah, Allah is with you. Time will pass and you will move on. Concentrate on the latest addition to your family and insha Allah the pain will fade for the one who has left. wa Allahu Ahlam (and Allah knows best) Hope this helps, wasalaam eleanor. |
| Re: Trusting after a divorce |
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| Caraj |
| 10/10/04 at 13:25:04 |
| [quote author=Kathy link=board=madrasa;num=1097336980;start=0#2 date=10/10/04 at 07:06:14] [slm] As far as feeling like used goods, most men I know, at our age, prefer a compfy worn sofa to rest in, rather than a new stiff couch. [quote] :o :o ;) :o :o Thank you Sissy, Kathy and Eleanor for your kind and tender words and encouragement. Kathy thank you for making me laugh, I needed that. This whole thing is a mess, he just walked in this morning and announced he wanted to stay till May so he can save more money for him to live on ::) May is a very long time to deal with someone who treats you with indifference. He was going to stay so I can have my surgery since both sons and their wives work and now each has a baby, I did not want to burden them with my needs, and I will need help for 2 to 4 weeks after the surgery. I am tempeted to tell him to just go and I'll deal with things myself. MAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, many months to live with his mood swinging, indifference and a grouchy person who is leaving you and says they do not love you anymore after you supported them through 3 years of military deployments. He treated me like a queen, and I am not exaggerating and he stopped abuptly to drop me on my backside (sort to speak) All the promises, all the dreams and goals and hopes and commitments and vows mean nothing to him. I don't know if any of you remember my post back in Feb or March, he came to me and announced 'I don't love you and looking back on the whole thing I never really did love you I just met you during an emotionally needy time in my life' ::) What a slap in the face and an arrow through the heart. I don't know how anyone could be sooo cruel, like..... ok be there for me, ok now I'm done with you. Does he thing marriage is like a car or hobby or such to be thrown to the winds when you have gotten your use out of it??? As the the Trust, I don't want to live out my remaining years single, I love being married and caring for a mate, but the next man who says he loves me I am going to be like ::) :( YEAH RIGHT, heard that one before ::) If this was the first lost marriage maybe I would not feel so weird, but I will never allow myself to let my guard down. I have been seriously considering in digging myself in family and volunteer activites and such and not even thinking of a future spouse. But I remember when I was single when I had a wonderful day coming home sad cause there was no one to share good news with, no one to eat dinner with. But I don't ever want to be in this postion ever again. This whole situation just SUCKS. Sorry to sound to weird or like I am feeling sorry for myself, But thank you for listening and being there for me. Thank you |
| 10/10/04 at 13:36:35 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Trusting after a divorce |
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| UmmWafi |
| 10/10/04 at 21:02:29 |
| Dearest sis Azizah Back when I was still working with disadvantaged families, I learnt a lot about life and the human spirit. So many tales of despair and strength, lessons I borrowed from other people's experiences, trials and triumphs. Often I would come across women who have been married and divorced more than thrice and still contemplating another, wile struggling to feed the many mouths who are products of their numerous nuptials. I used to ask myself what these women were thinking of, why do they never learn, when will they stop. I felt that if I was betrayed once by the person I loved then that would be the end of any future commitments and emotional entanglements. Throughout the years, my own experiences have taught me that things are never so easy when we want them to be and never as difficult as we thought them to be. Like most people, I used to have this fixed idea of what love is. Spent my whole teenlife and early twenties very sure and confident about the kind of relationship I want to have, the kind of love I deserved etc etc. I made mistakes. HUGE ones. In fact, mistakes that will haunt me for the rest of my life, mistakes that I will never forgive myself for. BUT, the one mistake that will torment me is that mistake of not realising the truth of Allah's words. Before you think that this is a pitch towards da'wah, it is not. It is something I have learnt very painfully, too late. I always thought that love is outside us. That love is something to yearn for and to capture with someone special. That love is the search for that "perfect soulmate". I was so wrong. Love is internal. Love is the immense capacity we possess to expand the generosity of our spirit, to extend our blessings to others. The only trick is, to do these we need to recognise that we have love within us and we have love surrounding us. Problem is, too often we fail to love ourselves first before we fall headlong into a love relationship. We feel the need for another's love because we did not feel capable of loving ourselves. We forgot, at least I forgot, the words of Allah SWT. In the Qur'aan, He has told us many times that His Love is Complete, Sufficient and All-Encompassing. Yet, instead of turning to this Love, we turned to the love of mortal men, a love that cannot and should not be compared to True Love. When you have the time sis, take off and go somewhere very quiet and peaceful, close your eyes and contemplate all the love experiences you have had in your life. Think of all the pain and tribulations you have gone through. Ask yourself, at the end of all those, what kept you going, what kept you strong. Ask yourself, could you have made it through without the grace of God ? Contemplate your coming surgery and ask yourself what or who is the only thing that can keep you afloat and survive ? It is only within the past few years that I truly comprehend the magnitude of Allah's Love and Mercy for me. Back in 1994, I was severely tested, my illness was so bad that I was veering between sanity and madness. Becoming semi-vegetable wasn't fun and depression was my constant companion. I reached the stage where I know that there is nothing and no one on earth who could help me, not my beloved mother and father nor my siblings let alone the doctors. I reached the stage where I hit rock bottom in terms of realising the level of my powers over myself and finally I understood that there is just me and Allah...nothing and no one else. So I did what I should have done a loonngg time ago. I turned to Allah and Him Alone. Every minute of my waking moments I spent talking to Him and crying, begging His Forgiveness for all the times I turned away from Him. Slowly, I did in 1 year what the docs told me I would do in 7 years. I recovered. Though never fully but Alhamdulillah, I recovered and stopped taking the prescribed drugs way back in 1996 . Since then, I realised that love and trust are powerful human emotions, capable of moving us to do the greatest of feat. I never thought I was the heroic kind but I would have gladly gone under the knife again if only that would mean my son is now out of the hospital and back home again. However, because love and trust are powerful, they can easily become the weapons and tools for the Devil to manipulate for his gain. That is why we allow our capacity to love and trust to turn against us. Sis, I understand all that you are saying and my heart is with you. As someone who had, in the past, yearned for the same things as you wanted, I want to tell you that your feelings are legitimate. I also want to tell you that despite the fact that I have never met you personally, based on our Jannah relationship these years past, I know you to have an amazingly generous and loving spirit. This is your asset, your true worth as a person. However, as history has shown us over and over again, not many people can recognise treasures from trash, even us ourselves sometimes fail to appreciate our own gifts. The men in your life perhaps do not value the treasures you have to offer and seek something else, something they think would fulfill their lives. Let them be. What you have given to them throughout the years are your assets not your loss. For each time you do good, it goes towards the "reward bank" you accumulate for the Hereafter, whether or not it is appreciated. Sis, we don't own anyone or anything, everything belongs to Allah SWT. If your husband wants to leave your life, know that it is Allah's Will, it is His Way of Loving you, of showing you that He has not forgotten you, that He still wants Mercy for you by wanting only True Love to surround you. I don't know if there will be another marriage for you but I do know, and this I say confidently, that there will be another love for you, perhaps just not in the places you have been looking for. The love that you will discover is more powerful than any you have experienced. Best part is, you can easily obtained this love if you would only start your journey within. When you are glowing with the love you have for yourself and the love you bear your Creator, others would want that love. Having someone to talk to, someone to make you hot chocolate on cold nights is Allah's Reward so make mad du'ahs for it. But still, it is Allah's Reward. It is not a commodity available for everyone on every street corner. And Allah's Reward will only come with trusting Him. In the meantime, while waiting, you can make your own cup of cocoa and snuggle onto a chair and read the Qur'aan, knowing that you are truly and unquestionably Loved. I leave you with a beautiful poem by Rumi: Dear soul, when the condition comes that we call being a lover there's no patience, and no repenting Both become huge absurdities. See regret as a worm and love as a dragon. Shame, changeable weather. Love, a quality which wants nothing. For this kind of lover love of anything or anyone is unreal Here, the source and object are one. |
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