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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Setting Boundaries |
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| Caraj |
| 10/12/04 at 23:15:16 |
| I'd like others insight and opinions on setting boundaries. How does one set them without being insensative, mean or cruel? How should one react when a boundary you set is crossed? Has anyone reading this had trouble setting boundaries and how did you overcome (resolve) this matter. How does one determain the difference between being merciful and kind with someone and allowing (or not allowing) a person to walk over top of you? (Take advantage of you.) |
| Re: Setting Boundaries |
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| Ash010110 |
| 10/14/04 at 17:55:23 |
| [slm] I pray this post finds you in the best of health and iman, insha'allah. Setting boundaries (especially of the personal sort) is usually complicated by either overestimating or underestimating *your* value/worth in the other person's eyes. What I mean by this is that if you think too highly of yourself, you put yourself on a pedestal and impose unrealistic and harsh limits. On the other hand, if you think too lowly of yourself, you will never muster the needed self-esteem to stand up for the boundaries. So, my first bit of advice, sister azizah, is to get a good grip on your own self-worth. This is a delicate balancing act in the best of times; in times of stress, it is nearly impossible. Review your life. Review your achievements (important!). Review the strengths that Allah blessed you with. Review the *reasons* you deserve respect. From there you will start to 'believe' that you are within your rights. My second bit of advice is something that I learned to do while suffering my parents' divorce. Try to learn how to 'step outside yourself.' The idea is to view the situation from a detached, almost-third-person-like perspective. This allows you to stay calm when your space is infringed. You say things like, "No. I'm sorry, but this is unacceptable for this reason, that reason, and the other," and "This is not a fair way to treat a person in my situation." By stepping out of yourself, emotionally, you are not as likely to fall into outbursts or bad feelings. You simply state your case, your limits, and that's it. Patience persistance is the key IMHO. When you repeat your demands in a calm and firm way, there is not much that can go wrong in hurting the other, nor is there is much that can go wrong in being walked-on. May peace be with you, Ash |
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