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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| When will parents learn |
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| Zara |
| 10/13/04 at 12:39:49 |
| [slm] After much thought I recently tried to matchmake a friend with another friend of a friend. I was absolutely amazed at the response given by the sister's family. They confiscated her mobile and told her to stop listening to her friends. At 23 the sister is being treated like a 5 year old. What can I do to rectify the situation? I had good intentions but I have made her life worse. All because......a practicing brother was interested in marrying her. :'( [wlm] Ps I can now begin to understand why some muslims choose get married without parental consent. |
| 10/13/04 at 12:40:48 |
| Zara |
| Re: When will parents learn |
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| Caraj |
| 10/13/04 at 12:52:09 |
| Well, first thing that comes to mind, And it is my thoughts and questions that come to mind, not trying to be judgemental. If you knew this sister/friend real well did you not have any idea how her family felt about such matters??? Maybe it is not you, but her they are angry with. Did she meet and / or consider this brother as a marriage partner before she went to her parents? Sounds like, most likely you should of went to her parents and told them you knew a brother interested in their daughter. Giving them the opportunity to approach him first. Forgive me, since I don't know any details, my words may not be appropriate. If you value this friendship I would 1) apologise to her and then 2)apologise to her parents for not coming to them first. You may not feel you did anything wrong but if you apologise it may salvage a friendship and ease her parents off her back. Best wishes |
| Re: When will parents learn |
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| Zara |
| 10/13/04 at 12:59:09 |
| I sent the bro's mum to contact her family. She has never met the brother. He is interested on basis of deen/character info that he knows. I have never known her father to be so unreasonable. I wouldn't know what to apologise for because everything was done correctly, but the sister is still being punished. She doesn't blame me - but how do I reconcile the parental attitude that she has to suffer ??? |
| Re: When will parents learn |
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| Caraj |
| 10/13/04 at 15:41:52 |
| hmmmm well 1) they took away her mobile, is it possible she met or talked with this brother or even his mum without her parents involvment? 2) What you said above sounds perfect. About thinkinbg you were handling it properly and not knowing what to apologise for. But maybe I would take one of your parents with you if this is possible. Ask for an appt with both this sisters mum and dad and say just what you said above. Cause people act better and are less likely to dismiss you with a witness. Something to the effect ... I am sorry this happened and I am concerned what I did is effecting your relationship and feelings with your daughter. I would like to apologise, but quite franly I'm not sure what to apologise for. You see this brother was interested in your daughter admiring her deen/character and I thought I was handling it properly having his mum contact you. Please forgive me for anything I am of done to offend you, please realize I thought I was going about this the proper way. BTW so I can better handle such issues should they ever come my way again, can you tell me what caused the reaction. This but in your own words. Keep in mind these things also. There may be things you are unaware of in this family Sis and this may be the cause for their reaction. She may be a friend, but my friends although friends know a lot about each other, they do not know 'EVERYTHING' Another thing, their question may be, AND HOW does this boy even know anything about my daughters deen and character? As a mother this would be my first question. Best wishes, tough situation to be in and I know you're feeling just awful for your friend. |
| 10/13/04 at 15:43:55 |
| Caraj |
| Re: When will parents learn |
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| eleanor |
| 10/17/04 at 09:21:33 |
| [slm] hmm.. the first thing that sprang to mind is that maybe they have a nice boy back in the homeland already hand-picked and lined up for her? The parents are obviously worried too about "how does this man know about and want to marry our daughter?" Maybe they still see her as a little girl? Hard to say really. I think the sister needs to have it out with her parents and see why they reacted like they did. wasalaam eleanor |
| Re: When will parents learn |
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| Zara |
| 10/17/04 at 17:04:40 |
| [slm] Well, she is a high flyer in academic education and her father wants her to spend 1-2 years developing the career she has just begun. As for a suitor - only a wealthy, educated person from the same region of the world as dad will do. Piety is not really on their list. The sister has talked to them and the response is that they will take care of her and answer no questions even if it is her marriage. What can a sister do at this point apart from cry ??? Just say a lil dua for her. [wlm] |
| Re: When will parents learn |
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| M.F. |
| 10/25/04 at 05:49:06 |
| [slm] Wow Subhan Allah I've heard this story SOOOO many times.... mainly within desi families, am I right? Especially the part about him being from the same... province or whatever from "back home" as if that had any bearing on anything!!!! Grrrr it makes me so mad >:( Ultimately the result is misery for all, often the girl runs away to get married and her parents cut her off completely. All because of pride |
| Re: When will parents learn |
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| Zara |
| 10/25/04 at 06:19:49 |
| yes they are desi. |
| Re: When will parents learn |
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| onemuslimgirl |
| 10/31/04 at 08:55:50 |
| i know this is going to sound corny, but its the only solution that i could think of. would it be possible to find an educated brother from that region who is religious? obviously the parents don't care if he is religious or not just the other requirements, so why not make them happy too? and as for that brother, try to find him someone whose parents dont care much about culture and stuff. marriage is hard enough without having to deal with inlaws who don't care much for you. |
| Re: When will parents learn |
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| timbuktu |
| 10/31/04 at 09:08:41 |
| [slm] [quote author=Zara link=board=sis;num=1097681989;start=0#5 date=10/17/04 at 17:04:40] As for a suitor - only a wealthy, educated person from the same region of the world as dad will do. Piety is not really on their list. [/quote] tall order for finding suitable suitors, and what if he abuses her despite being wealthy and educated? |
| Re: When will parents learn |
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| theOriginal |
| 10/31/04 at 13:47:31 |
| [slm] Man hypotheticals are not really a very progressive debate. Anyway, as it stands, we allllll know people like this, with this attitude, etc. And we all know they're all desi (totally kidding). Anyway, here's the way I see it, as someone who is a part of the desi culture enough to be able to sympathize with the older generation, but also as someone who holds no cultural grudges as a result of my western upbringing: our generation just has to put up with it. I'm talking about people in MY situation..where my grandparents (and my parents, to some extent), will simply not agree to any of us marrying someone outside of our cultural folds (cultural, in this case, is not desi, it's not even paki...it's UPites from Karachi -- talk about specifics). I think it's wrong to say that parents don't value piety as a characteristic..it's just that oftentimes, they think that they're own people will generally just keep their (especially) daughters, happier. It saves everyone from dealing with other people's traditions overwhelming or suffocating the kids. The truth is, that many people from our generation say that we can (or that we will be able to) compromise on marrying someone outside of our culture, but there are only very, very few of us who truly have that capability. And a lot of that has to do with the fact that our (grand)parents are not open minded about it, so it's engrained within our psyche. Having said that...things like job stability are very important to our parents BECAUSE a lot of our parents worked very hard to get where they are. They just don't want to see us struggle like they did, and frankly I don't blame them. And this IS the case with a lot of the desi people who moved to North America/Europe/Middle East way back when. Yes, most of us young people don't put too much weight on things like education and $$ (especially when you weigh them against the deen), but I doubt most our parents want us to marry some loser who's idea of Islam is salaat-ul-Eid. And I also doubt many of us, who's parents have worked very hard to be where they are, would seriously be willing to marry a high-school dropout, even if he is majorly religious. I know, I exaggerrated with that, but you get my point. Having said that...my sister did marry someone outside of her culture, and even though the marriage was completely arranged, whenever anything goes wrong (and boy! do things go wrong), the blame just seems to sit on the fact that he's not a UPite from Karachi, and hence does not have the same religious values. From THAT experience, my brother didn't even argue, and married the first girl that fit all my (grand)parents' requirements. And Alhamdulillah, they're doing very well. From THAT experience, all of my cousins are now convinced that marrying someone from WITHIN the culture is probably a better idea... And from THAT experience, I've made up mind, that things only happen if and when Allah wills them to. So here's my advice: Tell the girl to speak to her parents. I know for a fact that my parents are very, very open minded, mashaAllah...even though they lean towards the traditional way of thinking. I'm sure hers are too (inshaAllah)...And if they say no, and are not willing to listen, then it's really not worth it, because they probably have a reason that stems beyond "yeah so he doesn't have a six-figure salary". Nobody should have to fight with their parents to marry someone...it just creates problems in the future. And of course...lots of duaa. Woah..totally long-winded. I'll hush now. Wasalaam. |
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