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Wife bitter towards muslim women!?

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Wife bitter towards muslim women!?
Anonymous
10/14/04 at 20:14:10
Assalaamu-alaikum

I have a problem. My wife is giving me a lot of headaches as she does not like other
muslim women, especially pretty ones who are also religious. She often makes snide remarks
after giving salaams, obviously she doesnt say them to the womens face, but once the girl
goes she makes silly comments.

Its got to the point where my wife thinks wearing nikab is silly, whilst saying
non-muslim women who strip for a living are doing nothing wrong. This attitude from her is causing
a lot of arguments at home and i have not got the peace and tranquility i hoped marriage
would give me.  

Also, she is a big fan of a muslim mega sportstar, who has now retired. However she has
met this man in the past and is good friends with his sister. Now my wife always
constantly talks about this man, idolising him, saying how great he is, and whenever we have an
argument brings him up and says how much better he is than me. This is causing me a lot of
stress and i've started to feel deeply depressed lately. I dont really know how i'm
supposed to feel and react in this situation and feel totally lost.

I dont know what to do, and i'm starting to feel like i just want to get out of this
marriage and get a divorce.

I'd appreciate any advise.

walaykum salam.
Re: Wife bitter towards muslim women!?
Ash010110
10/15/04 at 07:53:05
Have you talked to her about this, yet?  Usually, people who do this sort of thing have low self-image, but it may be that she is simply insensitive to the discomfort she is causing you.  The first suggestion is to sit down with her (give her the "We need to talk. . ." overture), and express your issues.  Secondly, suggest that the two of you sit with a counselor whom you both trust (whether an imam, sheikh, elder community member, or therapist) and talk it out.  Only if all of these fail should you consider divorce.

May peace be with you,
Ash
Re: Wife bitter towards muslim women!?
georger
12/17/04 at 01:50:53
[quote author=Anonymous link=board=madrasa;num=1097795650;start=0#0 date=10/14/04 at 20:14:10]Assalaamu-alaikum

I have a problem. My wife is giving me a lot of headaches as she does not like other
muslim women, especially pretty ones who are also religious. She often makes snide remarks
after giving salaams, obviously she doesnt say them to the womens face, but once the girl
goes she makes silly comments.

Its got to the point where my wife thinks wearing nikab is silly, whilst saying
non-muslim women who strip for a living are doing nothing wrong. This attitude from her is causing
a lot of arguments at home and i have not got the peace and tranquility i hoped marriage
would give me.  

Also, she is a big fan of a muslim mega sportstar, who has now retired. However she has
met this man in the past and is good friends with his sister. Now my wife always
constantly talks about this man, idolising him, saying how great he is, and whenever we have an
argument brings him up and says how much better he is than me. This is causing me a lot of
stress and i've started to feel deeply depressed lately. I dont really know how i'm
supposed to feel and react in this situation and feel totally lost.

I dont know what to do, and i'm starting to feel like i just want to get out of this
marriage and get a divorce.

I'd appreciate any advise.

walaykum salam.
[/quote]

I don't want to say anything against you wife. I don't know her personally.

But of the behaviour this I will say. If this were my wife behaving in such a manner, I would accuse her of being mean spirited, petty, immature, jealous, and just being plain stupid for her age.

I would say to my wife these things not out of a mean spirit but to reflect just how debased and ignorant she was being to others, then use those feelings to make her reflect on how she conducts herself.

Just my 2¢ worth.
Re: Wife bitter towards muslim women!?
Fozia
12/17/04 at 06:36:48
[quote author=georger link=board=madrasa;num=1097795650;start=0#2 date=12/17/04 at 01:50:53]

I don't want to say anything against you wife. I don't know her personally.

But of the behaviour this I will say. If this were my wife behaving in such a manner, I would accuse her of being mean spirited, petty, immature, jealous, and just being plain stupid for her age.

I would say to my wife these things not out of a mean spirit but to reflect just how debased and ignorant she was being to others, then use those feelings to make her reflect on how she conducts herself.

Just my 2¢ worth.[/quote]

[slm]

Br. I reeeeally do not think that would be a good idea.... frying pan and fire come to mind there.

Having said that you seriously do need to sit down and speak to her about this, and let her know just how seriously detrimental an effect her behaviour is having on your marriage.

Wassalaam
12/17/04 at 09:48:13
Fozia
Re: Wife bitter towards muslim women!?
Kathy
12/17/04 at 08:24:11
[slm]

It is true, that those who make fun of others, generally have low self esteem. By 'knocking down' another woman, they are enevitably saying 'look how much better I am!'  perhaps she needs some more encouragement from you for what she is doing right.

Your comment about the strippers, makes me think that she is a revert. If so, it takes years of reconditioning one's moral values and outlooks on societal values to come to the Islamic ways of thought. If she is not a revert, yoiu are in a big mess!

Backbiting has severe consequences. Take the time to give talk or give her material about the punishments of backbiting. A good visual is what Prophet Muhammad  [saw] saw when he saw the punishments of backbiting. Eating the flesh of your dead brother is another visual that is hard to deny.

Sad to say, this is a very hard habit to break. Many of us suffer from it. May Allah swt help us with this sin.

I am concerned about her speaking about another man, star or not. It would be foolish to deny that this does not happen. I remember when I was once enamoured with a Brother 'star.' I had met him and thought he was all that. Once as I was speaking about him, I saw a look of hurt cross my hubby's eyes. Once that happened I never brought up the guy again.

My concern for you is not that she thinks this guy is all that, but if she knows it hurts you and continues, I would say there is a big red flag.

You are talking about divorce, which is one of the most hated things Allah swt allows. Be serious in your thought process about this. She could be a diamond in the rough, apparently you saw something in her to marry her. I was rough like carded wool. Do you have the energy to help her through this?

Kids... need I say more?
A disclaimer, all the above words were written with the thought that your wife is a revert. If she was born Muslim and raised in Islam... I am afraid you have bigger troubles.
Re: Wife bitter towards muslim women!?
Mona
12/17/04 at 11:33:34
[slm]

br. you have a serious problem on your hand.  fighting and arguing doesn't usually give good results.  try to look at the positives of your wife and encourage her to do the same with you.  also, try to understand the nature of women a little bit more.  maybe your wife is kinda of jealous of some sisters because you compare her to them? maybe she is doing the same with you, as pay back, when she compares you to the muslim superstar.  

if you want to repair and reform your marriage, you need to try harder. complaining won't get you there.  here are some suggestions:

-arrange for a meeting with a muslim family mediation counsellor.  avoid the preachy types though.
-read women are from venus and men are from mars.  ask her to read it.
-read qur'an together, you and your wife.  commit to only 15 minutes daily.  this will put barakah in your relationship, insha'Allah.

some dos and don'ts:
-do emphasize the positives of your wife infront of her and infront of others
-don't praise other women in the community infront of your wife (or generally) as this will make her jealous
-do activities together just for the two of you on a regular basis.  a monthly dinner date at a halaal restaurant, or you cook for her every couple of weekends, visit the local museum, science centre, whatever that is halal and that you and her would find interesting
-do remind her *gently* that speaking ill of others eats away at our hasanaat and blocks our heart from being close to Allah
-do forgive her when she slips.  don't harp on each of her mistakes.  if you are generous and loving with her, you will get that back 10-fold
-don't get angered easily.  no need to display unconstructive emotions.  
-do ask her how you can improve yourself so that she is more happy with you (and also hint that you would like to see some improvements with her).  ask her to write it down.  exchange lists.  
-don't demand your rights, by saying "you should ...", "women have to ...", forgetting about your obligations at the same time.  
-do give each other excuses and the benefit of the doubt

i might think of other things and write them later.  but remember that divorce can be a solution but only as a last resort.  i hope that you will consider other venues first.

one last thing br., do invest time and effort with your wife regaldless if she was a born muslim or a revert.  she is a human being and we all make mistakes.

take care
wassalam
Mona

12/17/04 at 11:36:41
Mona
Re: Wife bitter towards muslim women!?
Maliha
12/17/04 at 12:53:07
[slm]
nice post mona  Mashaallah:)

Kathy, I was wondering why the distinction between a revert vs. born Muslim? Someone could be "born" and "raised" into a family that does not really practice Islam save through the former rituals (which is a huge majority of *Muslim* families unfortunately)...

Just as a revert goes through the process of learning and reconditioning, many so called "born" Muslims have to go through the same process themselves. Very few are actually lucky enough to grow up in an intelligent, practicing household with religiously supportive families. Some are fortunate to go through the process of "reversion"; or learning about the deen on their own; and those who try to practice sometimes even face opposition from their own families.

Perhaps she really doesn't know much about Islam save the superficial aspects. Maybe br. Anon whether she is a revert or not, you should invest "study" time together as well. And not to harp on what she does wrong, but to simply seek to learn about the deen together. If you read something interesting, or hear something that makes you reflect include her in the process..make her feel that her ideas are worthwhile and that she; the way she is with all her faults and misgivings is worthy of your love and adoration.

Sometimes women act up when they feel neglected, inferior, etc. Like Mona said you being patient and focusing on her positives will yield incredible results. People in most cases act in accordance to other's expectation...For instance if you believe and treat a child to be really "smart" they normally feel confident and act "smart" as well...if you do the opposite the child will feel dumb and inconfident..etc etc. The basic thing is if you expect the best out of your wife; and even when she makes a mistake you beam at her and tell her how much you love her (and mean it)..it will gradually make her realize that her insecurities are baseless...

her talking about the other dude falls under the same inferiority complex..or trying to make you feel like well you aint the best either..its a stupid mentality. but when/if she brings him up again, just sweetly tell her how much it hurts you...or how she would feel if you did the same thing. (and if you do compare her to others, then stop immediately, for that is the recipe for disaster)...

Allahu A'alam. I really like mona's suggestions of working to build your bond together and increasing her self esteem in the process. Do pray congregation prayer together with her whenever you get a chance..our Imam has a saying that "couples that pray together, stay together" :)

Last thing, make lotsa duahs Inshaallah for Allah can change hearts and bring them together within a twinkling of a second :) May Allah grant you tawfeeq (amin).
[wlm]
Re: Wife bitter towards muslim women!?
Bangachi
12/17/04 at 14:51:15
Brother this post saddened me especially your wifes advocation of women who strip
for a living. This degraging trade and prostitutution may generate income temporarily for women but it eventually leads to a degrading feeling of worthlessness that a woman is not useful for her mind, heart, and content of her
character or her soul. Many of them have a short and miserable life span.
I was taught the whole purpose of dressing modestly was in fact a positive
way for women to be respected regarless of age, wealth, beauty, etc.
Men too.....The above replies regarding communication techniques with your wife
are remarkable and I need to go back and read them again even for my own benefit with people I love that I just can't communicate with or every other
day it's a fight. It can be draining. The most liberating feeling was the first time
I wore my abaya and hijab....people did look at me different...I noticed when I
tossed away those tight jeans I got an air of respect and pride and it felt good real good...better than being looked at like whats on the menu for dinner.
Re: Wife bitter towards muslim women!?
Laila_Y_A
12/17/04 at 17:10:12
[slm]
   Br.~ I am sad to hear of this problem, but I must say- do NOT have her read the book 'Men are from Mars...' .  I have read portions of it, and as a Muslim it is not truely relevant.
   I would go to her and say you need to talk, then start by saying  "honey, I have a problem..." . Never say she has a problem, or she does this or that-- it will shut her ears so fast :o !  Rather, bring the focus on how you feel, and what your reactions are when you hear such things being said. See if you can bring her reasons for this into the open without yelling or accusations. If she is insecure about herself as a woman, or her relationship with you, try to calmly relay your feelings about this and reassure her.
   Remember, we women are emotional creatures and sometimes we see things differently than men (ok- a lot of the time we see things differently ;) ).
   I pray you resolve this to a happy ending for you as a couple.
[wlm]
:-) Laila
Re: Wife bitter towards muslim women!?
Kathy
12/18/04 at 08:33:15
[wlm]

[quote] Kathy, I was wondering why the distinction between a revert vs. born Muslim?  [/quote]

It is true that I did not grow up in a Muslim home and have no clue as to the type of conversations Muslim families are having. However, I find it hard to believe that there are open discussions at the family table about women who choose a job opportunity as a stripper.

Growing up, I remember having conversations with my mom about what drives women to be strippers. Need of income, past sexual abuse, revenge on hubbies and substance abuse, etc...

Also I remember my mom and sister talking about teen idols, and leading hollywood men being 'hot.'

Do these type of conversations actually happen in Muslim homes between parents and thier kids/ young adults?

This is why I made the difference between revert and born Muslim. It seems to me there is a proper adab in Muslim homes.

So if a Muslim is talking about the validity of Strippers and Hot superstars, I think it is a red flag. on the other hand a revert has been brought up in a more permissive home life gf3they may have been exposed and discussed these type of topics.

Of course there are exceptions to every rule.
12/18/04 at 08:35:09
Kathy


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