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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Covering all the time? |
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| Anonymous |
| 11/09/04 at 11:45:31 |
| [slm] my fmaily and I are moving in with my sister and bro-in-law. i am kinda dissapointed cuz i have to be covering all the time in front of him. it gets kinda claustraphobic.what should i do? any tips?i really need some feebback cuz i am sad:( |
| Re: Covering all the time? |
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| Leslie |
| 11/09/04 at 12:13:16 |
| [slm] I'm wondering if your family could set up either a women only area of the house or at least a room where, if the door is closed, your brother in law shouldn't enter before knocking in order to give you time to cover properly. Really, I think the best thing to do is talk to your family to see if they have any suggestions that will enable everyone to live happily in your new home. [wlm] |
| Re: Covering all the time? |
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| Caraj |
| 11/09/04 at 13:13:33 |
| Great idea Leslie. Anon I know this will be a time of adjustment for you. I have a few suggestions and a question for the others on the board. Is a brother-in-law not someone you can uncover head in front of if you are living in the same house? Are we talking covering your head or the whole total dress? Anon most likely you'll make new friends at your new location and the mosque so when you have get togethers, classes, etc with other sisters that may be a time of relief. and with blending 2 families together in the same household there may not be space for a womens only room so 2 ideas. Suggestions for your sister and mom 1) A womens night, ask the men folk to leave for a few hours one or two evenings a week. 2) Look for or start a sisters day or evening out at your local Islamic center. Or a once a month slumber party type get together for Sisters in your area. You may never know, your sister may already have some plans of her own, cause she wants to make your transistion more comfortable. So ask her what she thinks. Best wishes |
| Re: Covering all the time? |
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| HijabifiedSisTa |
| 11/10/04 at 01:10:05 |
| [slm] i wear niqab n my husbands' cousin and his brothers live there n i'm in da kitchen cooking wit my sisters in law or in da living room with the family... and if i go to my room n sit they be like " she sooo rude n blah blah blah " so feel sorry for me yet? May Allah make us Firm in Imaan And patient . Aameen [wlm] |
| Re: Covering all the time? |
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| Anonymous |
| 11/10/04 at 13:22:47 |
| [slm], Thank you soooooooooooooooo much azizah and Leslie for the responses.It means a lot to me. May Allah reward you guys for the kindness. I am kinda dissapointed with the whole moving thing. But then, we plan and Allah plans and He is the Best of the Planners. He knows me better than I will ever know myself and He does everything for the best, right? After all, there is a reason behind everything. But I am ashamed of myself cuz I spent the whole Ramadan depressed about this moving and now the blessed month it almost over.:( In answer to your question azizah, i posted a question earlier on this board regarding bro-in-law being a mahram or not. The answer was that he is not your mahram, therefore you have to cover(head+body) in front of him. Leslie, I like your suggestion, but I don't think there will be space for womens only room. See, the problem is that I will be the only one wearing the hijab all the time at my sister's house. Cuz my sister doesn't need to cover in front of her husband and my mom doesn't need to cover in front of her son-in-law.(Right?) And covering all the time gets kinda suffocating and claustraphobic :x I didn't use to cover in front of my bro-in-law; but then a read a lot of articles and I discovered that he is a non-mahram. Sorry for the long post, guys. I really need someone to talk to and the sad thing is that I don't think no one will understand me(except the madina board!). I told my mom about this problem and she is like there is nothing we can do about it.I feel like crying forever. I have been praying a lot asking Allah to make it easy for me. Pleasee remember me in your dua's you guys cuz all this is coming from the bottom of my heart. Pray for me. I need some encouraging words. salaams -a young muslimah |
| Re: Covering all the time? |
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| Caraj |
| 11/10/04 at 15:26:23 |
| Sis, Cheer up :-* I am seriously wondering if this is a 'covering' issue or it if your feelings on covering made magnified and your true issue is the stress and fear of moving. Not having your own space? Moving SUCKS Believe me I know, I have done so to no fault of my own 5 times since Febuary. But I did not have to deal with blending 2 families so you have more to deal with than I did. :( Adjusting to a new home and blending 2 families is hard but if you look on the bright side of things and try hard and look at positive and not negative it may be a very rewarding and learning experience. (In between frustrations ::) ) I was wondering about the fesiblity of a womens room with 2 families in one home, but what about a womens only night? Does your brother-in-law work? Can you not use this time to not be totally covered? I am unsure if he works or if you do too during the same time thus this time not being possible. Have you talked to your sister about your concerns? Are you and her close where you can talk to her? To maybe suggest a womens night at the house. Even if it is just 6p to 8 or 9p once or twice a week. Is this a long term or short term move? Does the brother-in-law go to the Mosque for brothers things and prayers and maybe that can be a time to use for covering freedom? I wish you the best, please, try talking to your sister. (I am assuming you have not) My question is and maybe someone on the board can answer, if the daughter-in-law covers then why would the mother-in-law not have to? Not to sound weird, but hec, when my son was 16 and 17 and 18 working in a grocery store older women hit on him :o Not saying this would happen at all,(not even putting this in the same boat) just saying .... the in-law issue? Does it matter what age or relation they are to the man if they should or should not cover??? I wish you the very best and pray Allah gives you the strength and patience to deal with the new adjustments in your life. And that he gives your sister and brother-in-law compassion to help you with these issues. Also think of it as a character builder and test from Allah and rise to the occation and know we are here to support you and Allah is going to give you all the strength you need to deal with this in a manor pleasing to him. Sisterly ((((((HUGS))))))) |
| 11/10/04 at 15:33:14 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Covering all the time? |
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| eleanor |
| 11/10/04 at 17:46:02 |
| [slm] Azizah, when you get married the parents in law become your mahrams - ie people forbidden to you in marriage. That means that a woman would not have to cover in front of her father in law, because their relationship has been cemented through the marriage as two people who may not get married (ever! even after divorce) and therefore may not have feelings for each other. The parents in law are the same as your parents and the children in law are the same as your children. This is why it is hard to understand that the brother in law is not the same as your brother, because technically since he is married to your sister, you may not marry him - it says so in the Qur'an (paraphrased) "and marry not two sisters". Meaning you may not marry your sister in law while still married to her sister. I suppose the wisdom in it is to stop marriages breaking up, for example a brother divorces one woman in order to marry her sister... Complicated.. Allah knows best. To the original poster - Azizah made some very good suggestions. I don't think you will be in one room 24/7 with your bro in law. Look for the windows and try to avoid him (harsh as it may seem). BUT he needs to be made aware of your discomforts before you move in and he needs to look out for you. This is where you need to talk to your sister, so she can talk to him. Hope all works out for you. Cheer up :) The rewards you will get are IMMENSE! wasalaam eleanor |
| 11/10/04 at 17:48:10 |
| eleanor |
| Re: Covering all the time? |
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| timbuktu |
| 11/10/04 at 22:31:33 |
| [slm] [quote author=eleanor link=board=sis;num=1100015131;start=0#6 date=11/10/04 at 17:46:02] [slm] Azizah, when you get married the parents in law become your mahrams - ie people forbidden to you in marriage. That means that a woman would not have to cover in front of her father in law, because their relationship has been cemented through the marriage as two people who may not get married (ever! even after divorce) and therefore may not have feelings for each other. The parents in law are the same as your parents and the children in law are the same as your children. This is why it is hard to understand that the brother in law is not the same as your brother, because technically since he is married to your sister, you may not marry him - it says so in the Qur'an (paraphrased) "and marry not two sisters". Meaning you may not marry your sister in law while still married to her sister. I suppose the wisdom in it is to stop marriages breaking up, for example a brother divorces one woman in order to marry her sister... Complicated.. Allah knows best.[/quote] The father-in-law can NEVER marry his daughter-in-law, but the brther-in-law can, on divorce or widowhood, so the difference is obvious. |
| Re: Covering all the time? |
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| HijabifiedSisTa |
| 11/11/04 at 01:22:01 |
| [quote author=Anonymous link=board=sis;num=1100015131;start=0#4 date=11/10/04 at 13:22:47][slm], Thank you soooooooooooooooo much azizah and Leslie for the responses.It means a lot to me. May Allah reward you guys for the kindness. I am kinda dissapointed with the whole moving thing. But then, we plan and Allah plans and He is the Best of the Planners. He knows me better than I will ever know myself and He does everything for the best, right? After all, there is a reason behind everything. But I am ashamed of myself cuz I spent the whole Ramadan depressed about this moving and now the blessed month it almost over.:( In answer to your question azizah, i posted a question earlier on this board regarding bro-in-law being a mahram or not. The answer was that he is not your mahram, therefore you have to cover(head+body) in front of him. Leslie, I like your suggestion, but I don't think there will be space for womens only room. See, the problem is that I will be the only one wearing the hijab all the time at my sister's house. Cuz my sister doesn't need to cover in front of her husband and my mom doesn't need to cover in front of her son-in-law.(Right?) And covering all the time gets kinda suffocating and claustraphobic :x I didn't use to cover in front of my bro-in-law; but then a read a lot of articles and I discovered that he is a non-mahram. Sorry for the long post, guys. I really need someone to talk to and the sad thing is that I don't think no one will understand me(except the madina board!). I told my mom about this problem and she is like there is nothing we can do about it.I feel like crying forever. I have been praying a lot asking Allah to make it easy for me. Pleasee remember me in your dua's you guys cuz all this is coming from the bottom of my heart. Pray for me. I need some encouraging words. salaams -a young muslimah[/quote] LOL u sound JUST like my sister cuz my husband doesn't come in front my sis unless she has her hijab on ... and she says " its sooo sufficating tha's it i'm not wearing hijab in front of him he just gotta live wit it " |
| Re: Covering all the time? |
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| eleanor |
| 11/11/04 at 16:21:45 |
| [quote author=timbuktu link=board=sis;num=1100015131;start=0#7 date=11/10/04 at 22:31:33] [slm] The father-in-law can NEVER marry his daughter-in-law, but the brther-in-law can, on divorce or widowhood, so the difference is obvious.[/quote] yeah, as you will see at the end of the quote (or by reading carefully between the lines), I reached that conclusion after much rambling 8). Thanks bro :) wasalaam eleanor |
| Re: Covering all the time? |
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| Anonymous |
| 11/27/04 at 02:35:17 |
| [slm], You guys make me feel a lot better!:) thanks for the replies. Azizah, you are super cool and words can't describe how much I appreciate your advice. Oh yeah, moving is not the best thing in the world. I like the girls night out thing, but I doubt if we will be able to do that since everyone is so busy.maybe like once a month. Yes, my bro-in-law works and thats the SAME time that I am out of the house too. Sis eleanor, thats what I was thinking about too. Try to avoid my bro-in-law(but not in a mean away)--just try to get some privacy. I am still confused about the whole in-law thing. I get the part between daughter-in-law and parents but I am confused about the sisters and husband. I am gonna talk to my sister, Inshallah.I hope she understands. Yeah, I think this is all a test of patience from Allah(swt).Thanks again for everything you guys. LOve you lots. Thanks for the duas. [slm] |
| Re: Covering all the time? |
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| se7en |
| 11/29/04 at 12:01:44 |
| as salaamu alaykum, I know a sister who lives with her in-laws, and they have a salaam technique :) every time the brother comes upstairs or downstairs he'll say "as salaamu alaykum!!" very loudly, and if he doesn't get a response, it means he's free to enter, otherwise he waits. It works out really well and insha'Allah there's extra ajr in the house from all the salaam being conveyed ;) another tip -- if your bathroom is outside the bedroom, like down the hallway or something, consider getting one of those 3-panel screens to block it off, so you can move freely from the bedroom to the bathroom when using it.. I always find hijabifying in the bathroom after a shower a challenge.. also you may want to look into comfy hijabs.. .like the big cotton dupattas you can wrap around, or the kind you slip over your head with no pins.. hope everything goes smoothly, insha'Allah.. wasalaamu alaykum |
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