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marriage question

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marriage question
MissHijabi
11/15/04 at 16:27:49
[slm]
Okay sisters, I have a question or more of a concern, really, about marriage or how one goes about getting married. Obviously I'm not yet married. I'm a 22 year old college student. So my family and I decided it was time I started seriously persuing marriage and settling down.(Don't misunderstand, I'm not wild or anything) Well, at my mosques in my area they have these marriage applications, they're like these forms that you fill out and turn back into the imam and then if they come across a form from a brother that looks like he'd be compatible with you, they put him in contact with your wali. I've done all that, the forms have been filled out and whatnot. My question is, is that it? I mean I did this like a few months ago and still, nothing. Should we(my family and I) be doing something else, something more? Or would anything else be innapropriate? When my older sister got married it was to someone that spotted her at the mosque, asked about her, etc. but like that was almost ten years ago. Now they're doing this thing with the forms and I just don't know. Is it okay for me to say I'm looking for a husband, like in conversation with other sisters, or would that make me seem "fresh" or desperate or something? At the Eid celebrations sisters were asking me if I was married or engaged yet and I said no, but I'd like to be. And they were like "so you're looking?" and I was like yes. But then my mom was all like you shouldn't have said that because it makes you look desperate. But since we don't date or anything and it's mainly done through other people, how are people supposed to know that I want to get married or if they know someone that would be good for me if I don't tell them? It's all very confusing and my mother and older sister are no help at all. My older sister is divorced and now very much against Muslim marriage and my mom wants me to get married because she knows it's what is best for me at this point but she's not that into it. Her concern is that I won't finish college. However, my concern is that if I don't, I'll be tempted to step outside if Islam. I see a lot of Muslims doing that at my school and my own sister (the older one) has done that. It breaks my mothers heart that she's outside of Islam so I just don't understand why she's kind of on the fence about the marriage issue. I mean I've already been a little bit tempted. Last year this brother and I were I guess trying out the idea of getting married, seeing if we would suit and stuff. Next thing we're talking on the phone regularly about nothing and we even went to the movies and dinner a few times. He would have liked to do more than that but I realized what was happening and told him that he either had to get serious about marrying me and go through the proper channels or we just couldn't be involved anymore. We wound up parting ways and that was fine because he wasn't the right brother for me and, of course, Allah knows best. Back to my original question, should I tell people that ask that I'm looking or should I just leave it? Any help/advice will be greatly appreciated.
Re: marriage question
Fozia
11/15/04 at 18:26:40
[slm]

No idea about marriage etiquette but to answer your question; I think you're doing the right thing in telling enquiring sisters the truth, ie yes you are looking to get married. Seems pretty logical to me, not desperate or whatever at all.


Wassalaam
11/15/04 at 18:27:44
Fozia
Re: marriage question
buL-buL
11/15/04 at 19:06:10
asalaam alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatahu

I'm not trying to be mean sis but don't think about marriage so much. Don't worry about it. Focus on your status now as a single woman and think about all the things you won't be able to do when you are married. Make a list if need be, and try to accomplish all those goals before the time comes.  You are 22 now, so you probably don't have much time left.  ;)

I know this is not the answer you were looking for sis, but I heard someone say this and it makes so much sense.  I'm glad i heard this while i'm single, so just trying to pass on the courtesy. Humans will always long for what they don't have. I bet when you are married you will be wishing you did this or that while you were single. Put your trust in Allah(swt) and by the time you know it, prince charming will be knocking on your door. ;)
Re: marriage question
dina
11/16/04 at 03:48:36
[slm]

 you are very young only 22, its such a sweet age to be when you get older you`ll think what was all the fuss about

dont put too much pressure on yourself, relax and take things easy time is on your side

a good friend of mine told me dont take any proposal in haste worrying about your age, your age is not important

i think be patient, it takes a couple of months to get any feedback...it could be at this moment in time more sisters are looking for spouses than brothers. and later you may find more than one brother interested

and most of all you dont know what is in Allah SWT plan, you may find your husband today, in a month, in a year, we dont know. but there is always a wisdom

just pray alot, am sure your duas will be answered

[wlm]
Re: marriage question
timbuktu
11/16/04 at 04:06:49
[slm] sis MissHijabi, although this question was directed to the sisters, I am tempted to intrude, because there are two important issues here, together with related questions:

1st: is about marriage, the right age/time, the way to go about finding the right spouse with whom the marriage will be fulfilling and lasting.

2nd: is about those who leave Islam, particularly because of failed or delayed marriages; and from that we can extend to other problems in life.

First of all, I agree with all sisters who have responded to you.

To answer the 1st question, islamically there is nothing wrong in letting other sisters know you want to get married. However, a virgin is said to be more more shy, so if other sisters or aunties ask you if you are looking for a husband, instead of a direct affirmative, you could say, with a shy smile, something like: "well this is what sisters/ aunties are for". It will also depend upon the community you belong to, I guess, as to what sort of response is acceptible.

Like your mother, I think a college education should not be left in the middle hanging like that. Unfortunately, divorce is now becoming more common, and a divorced woman then has to fend for herself and often the children as well. Remember though that although marriage is half of deen, if it doesn't materialise, or if one is disappointed, take that as a test in life, like other tests. With time the ratio of women to men is increasing, and with some Muslims becoming non-practicing ones, or leaving Islam altogether, and also the emphasis on having only one wife, some Muslim women will never get married.

Your stepping back from a haram relationship was the right thing to do. Here sister malika's advice is very appropriate. The more you think about it, the more its obsession will grow, and the greater chances of falling in sin.

Of course, marriage and college education can go together. It will require cooperation from your (future :) )husband, and determination on your part.

The second question is very important. Leaving Islam because of failures or problems in life.

It means that Islam was not properly understood in the first place.

Or maybe there is some confusion about what being within Islam means.

Our prime relationship is with Allah. He is the Creator, Sustainer, etc. We are His slaves. To Him we return and will answer for our lives on this Earth. Our education, our jobs, our spouses and our children, our friendships, everything is from Him, and is given to us as tests.

Failures in:
o      getting a college degree,
o      or settling and rising to the top management in a job or business or profession,
o      or marrying a spouse and keeping him/her happy,
o      or having children and bringing them up well,

are not necessarily failures in Allah's eyes. These are tests, as are the successes in these activities. I mean we could top in University, we could become CEOs of our companies, we could have spouses who are well-regarded and happy with us, we could have children who  do well in everything, we would be very popular and sucessful in our communities, and yet we could fail the final exam on the Day of Judgement.

and we could fail in all worldly pursuits, yet come out with flying colors on the Day which counts.

It is that Final Exam which is important. It is striving for Alah (swt) to be pleased with us that is important. The things we get in life are means to achive success in the Final Exam. What we are given or what we are denied or is taken away from us, are tests.

We can and do sin. The worst sin is "shirk". As long as we do not die in "shirk", we have a chance to be forgiven. Even if during our lives we commit shirk, if we repent and seek forgiveness with sincerity before the death throes, we are forgiven.

So, it breaks my heart too that your sister is now outside of Islam. Invite her back in. Let her know that failure of marriage is no reason to leave Islam. Nothing is. She can repent for the sin of leaving Islam, and she will be forgiven by Allah. What are her issues?

If she comes back to Islam because of you, the merits you earn will be beyond imagination.

I will repeat "maybe there is some confusion about what being within Islam means". What do you mean here by leaving Islam? Is it that you are confusing commiting zina or not doing one's duties as leaving Islam? That is temporary stepping out. We should avoid these "great" or "kabaaer" sins but if someone were to commit them, he/she could and should repent and seek forgiveness of Allah (swt), and come back to Islam. Allah (swt) is Merciful, and oft forgiving. Nor should we look upon a sinner as a non-Muslim.

How can anyone who has tasted the sweetness and the relief of saying "la ilaha illAllah, Mohammadur Rasullullah", ever go back on it?

Trials and failures make me want to grip Allah's rope tighter, not let me loose my hold on it. And even if for some moments we feel that way, the realisation that we are slaves of Allah (swt), and this is but a test, should bring us back to repentence and Islam.

Of course, you could and should pray to Allah (swt) to grant you a husband and children with good qualities, who are pious and a help and pride to you in the Hereafter.

May Allah (swt) grant you the best in this world and in the Hereafter.

aameen
11/16/04 at 04:13:49
timbuktu
Re: marriage question
theOriginal
11/16/04 at 04:42:03
[slm]

Heyyy...I'm in a similar spot.  I'm 22, done college, so my family is really starting to think about marriage for me.  Personally, I'm kind of indifferent, mainly because I haven't met anyone I might be remotely interested in (even when they've gone through all the proper channels).  

Anyway, I think it's okay to let people know that you're looking.  Or not looking, per se...but open to the idea of getting married.  And in the meantime, you have so many other dimensions of your life to smooth out, inshaAllah.

It's ok to be married at 22, or to be thinking about getting married at 22.  It's also okay not to be married at 22, and studying at 22.  So don't worry, inshaAllah.  

The key is to make duaa...cannot stress that enough.  A bad marriage is useless.  It's a waste of time, emotions, and really an entire life.  So, be careful.

One last piece of useless advice: don't put yourself out there in any sort of vulnerable position.  Protect yourself.  

Good luck :)

Wasalaam.
Re: marriage question
MissHijabi
11/19/04 at 17:56:59
[slm] First of all, I just want to thank everyone for the good advice, I'll take it to heart. Now for the brother that responded. When I said that my sister was outside of Islam, I meant that she has a boyfriend and she spends the night over his house and they go to hotels together and things like that. She goes to clubs and parties where there's drinking and dancing. Most of her friends are non-Muslim or Muslims that don't really practice. The odd part is that she still covers, like she still wears her scarf. Which seems kinda pointless to me but at the same time who am I to say what's approriate? Anyway, that's pretty much what I meant when I said she was outside of Islam. Talking to her about it is just a headache because she gets really mad at me and defensive and tells me that I don't know anything about the real world and should just mind my business. So my mom told me to just leave it alone and let her deal with it because as the mother she's in a position of authority. So I"m staying out of it for now.
MissHijabi


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