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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| When did you know...? |
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| Ruqayyah |
| 12/01/04 at 21:38:39 |
| [slm] how long after meeting someone did you *know* that they were meant for you and you were meant for them? talking to friends, it's amazing the answers i hear. some felt it in their hearts after 3 meetings, others after 3 years! well not really 3, but more like a year and a half ;) so my question to all you newly wed ladies out there (and guys if you're peekin in here too), when did you know? and how did istikhara play a role in you *knowing* ? [slm] ruqayyah |
| Re: When did you know...? |
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| Kathy |
| 12/02/04 at 08:46:52 |
| [slm] You don't know until it is too late... (You can read this statement with many different emotions....) |
| Re: When did you know...? |
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| Fozia |
| 12/02/04 at 15:43:09 |
| [slm] My mum prayed Istikhara, I said my answer was whatever my parents wished. But then again I'm not the knight in shining armour kind of girl. He's very nice, dunno about being struck by thunder bolts of love or anything. We've been married seven years almost eight and have two daughters alhumdulillah. Hope this doesn't discourage you (keeping in mind I am not exactly what anyone would term romantic). Wassalaam |
| Re: When did you know...? |
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| M.F. |
| 12/02/04 at 16:36:04 |
| [slm] It's a very interesting question to think about, because it can really be different according to various situations. During my time in the US, my experience was that young people think about marriage a LOT, and -though I hope I'm not overgeneralizing- meeting a new person of the opposite sex usually goes along with a "could this be the one....?" in the back of the mind. So when you start out that way, it might not take too long for the person to decide that yes, this is the ONE. Whereas in other situations like my own, (I met my husband when we were both students in Morocco, where marriage is the farthest thing from students' minds) you could know someone for years before actually thinking about them in a marriage sort of way. But either way, I think Istikhara definitely gives you the answer to "Is he the ONE?" It's so much easier than trying to figure it out on your own!! :) |
| 12/02/04 at 16:37:15 |
| M.F. |
| Re: When did you know...? |
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| Sparrow |
| 12/03/04 at 10:26:12 |
| Hi all, I met my husband at a bday party for a mutual friend. We went out to dinner a week later (disclaimer for those who don't know me: I'm not Muslim :) ) and I knew during dinner that I was supposed to marry him. He dropped me home after dinner and I called my best friend and said 'I just had dinner with the man I'm supposed to marry.' I didn't tell him that until we were engaged a little while later. No need to terrify the boy when he hardly knew me ;) |
| Re: When did you know...? |
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| Maliha |
| 12/04/04 at 10:24:00 |
| [slm] This question kinda plays into Azizahs...and since i'm on a roll :-[ Anywho, I guess it depends on the situation. For one, I would never advise a person to just pray Istikhara and only depend on that. That is, prayer and following the means that Allah laid for us is the best way to succeed Inshaallah. You have to do your research. Look into his community, his friends, his family. Have your brothers, dad, uncles, (read males in your family, with your best interest at heart) to interview him, hang out with him, and really get to know him. Alhamdullillah, many guys didn't pass through my brothers, and hence less drama for me. My brothers didn't even tell me about it, till much later. "Like yeah this dude was interested but ummm...when time for prayer came, everyone prayed and he just sat there" :o Obviously "dude" never did get to see the door to my house after that:) Also, his relationship with his family really really matters, even if he is far from them. A guy who cares about his mom, across oceans, calls her, provides for her and his siblings etc. says a lot about his character than one who could care less about them. Check if his deen is on point (and not just the outer rituals) but someone who is truly humble, compassionate, sweet and kind...not so "into the deen" that he is all hard core, unforgiving, harsh, etc. Cuz trust me, sometimes it is better to be with someone who has good Akhlaaq and maybe just average in other ways..than the super Muslim who is totally active etc but really foul tempered and nasty or so narrow minded that every other Muslim is either an innovator or kaffir. But that may be just my preference ;) If all the above checks out...and you have a good, decent, responsible, caring, intelligent Muslim on your hands...and you pray Istikhara. Then to a large extent Tawwakkul comes into play. You have to rely on Allah in knowing that I checked out for the right things, I prayed Istikhara, and Inshaallah this is going to be a blessed union. I never "knew" for sure. And the sisters i talked to, laugh at me now. Even though his references checked out; I prayed Istikhara; I didn't have a dream that we were dancing on cloud 9 ::), or even a solid gut feeling. I had the worst case of cold feet, and was very anxious... Fortunately for me, I had a strong family support, and we knew his family really well, and at the end of the day I really had to swallow (after much drama) and take the leap of Faith:) To finally answer your question Ruqqaya: I didn't "know" till after the nikaah was sealed...and perhaps to echo Kathy "till it was too late" :P Alhamdullillah, I never regreted it to date though, I have a husband who wakes me up with a "song of praise on my lips.." and puts me to sleep "with a prayer of gratitude in my heart" :) (feel free to throw up now... ;) ) Anywho, i said all that to say, that some people are lucky and they "know"..and some like me have to struggle a bit. But that is why following all the means and making sure you have done your research well is also important in making your decision. May Allah facilitate it for you and other hopefuls out there :-) [wlm] |
| 12/04/04 at 15:22:36 |
| Maliha |
| Re: When did you know...? |
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| sundoc |
| 12/04/04 at 13:24:53 |
| [slm] Just wanted to comment on something Sis. Nur_al_Layl said... and no no I'm looking to argue :) "Check if his deen is on point (and not just the outer rituals) but someone who is truly humble, compassionate, sweet and kind...not so into the deen that he is all hard core, unforgiving, harsh, etc. Cuz trust me, sometimes it is better to be with someone who has good Akhlaaq and maybe just average in other ways..than the super Muslim who is totally active etc but really foul tempered and nasty or so narrow minded that every other Muslim is either an innovator or kaffir. But that may be just my preference" Sis, I think I'd be remiss if I didn't say that being 'into the deen' is completely opposite of what you mentioned here... Who was more into our Deen than our beloved rasul (saw) and he was the exact opposite of the characteristics you've listed. Being 'into deen' in the correct way is what breeds the best of qualities in a person... |
| Re: When did you know...? |
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| theOriginal |
| 12/04/04 at 13:32:48 |
| [slm] I asked my cousin the same thing...she just got her nikkah done last week (mashaAllah), and she met the guy exactly 6 days before the nikkah for the first time. I remember the times when some guy would propose and this girl would just cry. and cry. and cry. And there she was, totally cool calm and collected, mashaAllah. So it begged the question right? And all she said was "he drank my father's 'special' tea without a fuss." Heh. Wasalaam. |
| Re: When did you know...? |
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| AyeshaZ |
| 12/04/04 at 14:09:12 |
| [wlm] Ruqq.. *cough* something i should know ;).. It's funny cuz for all of my 3 srs its was very different! One was like he is the one from the first time they visited ::)and the other like even after the invitations were sent out, she was like "Allah Malik".. lol and then my oldest after a lots of du'a and questioning.... I was an investigator all 3 times.. :) The fun times of the bros visiting and my srs fretting, ha ha now i know how it feels :o But what i've heard from people, friends, my sistas, if you do all your background check, questioning then you must do istikhara.. Many people do it from the very first day.. soo it is different for every person.. But putting your trust in Allah(swt) is the most important factor and being ready for either/or outcome!! Which sometimes is the hardest part.. But it all works out in the end.. I just finished reading this book "Love for Allah(swt)" by Shyakh Zulfiqar Ahmad Naqshbandi and he divides love into 2 categories of Ishq-e-haqqiqi (True Love) and Ishq-e-majazi (Metaphorical love)... Subhan'Allah puts everything in perspective.. a must read soni :) |
| Re: When did you know...? |
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| Maliha |
| 12/04/04 at 15:28:13 |
| [slm] Sorry br. Sundoc :) When i was writing it, i was thinking tongue in cheek "so into the deen" and not in reality. I corrected my post to add the quotation marks :) I agree with you totally about the reality of being into the deen. Didn't the Rasul [saw] say that he was sent to perfect the nobility of our character? it's just sometimes in striving for the larger theoretical things, we forget the importance of everyday kindness and gentleness... Haven't you come across such people? Typing this, makes me reflect on the many times i have lost my adab...sigh. Ayesha, that book sounds really cool..where did you get it? For all the single folks out there...i forgot one more thing..enjoy ze ride 8) [wlm] [quote author=sundoc link=board=sis;num=1101951519;start=0#6 date=12/04/04 at 13:24:53] [slm] Just wanted to comment on something Sis. Nur_al_Layl said... and no no I'm looking to argue :) "Check if his deen is on point (and not just the outer rituals) but someone who is truly humble, compassionate, sweet and kind...not so into the deen that he is all hard core, unforgiving, harsh, etc. Cuz trust me, sometimes it is better to be with someone who has good Akhlaaq and maybe just average in other ways..than the super Muslim who is totally active etc but really foul tempered and nasty or so narrow minded that every other Muslim is either an innovator or kaffir. But that may be just my preference" Sis, I think I'd be remiss if I didn't say that being 'into the deen' is completely opposite of what you mentioned here... Who was more into our Deen than our beloved rasul (saw) and he was the exact opposite of the characteristics you've listed. Being 'into deen' in the correct way is what breeds the best of qualities in a person... [/quote] |
| 12/04/04 at 15:30:09 |
| Maliha |
| Re: When did you know...? |
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| Ruqayyah |
| 12/05/04 at 18:58:49 |
wow thanks sisters for all of your wisdom! it's *very* reassuring to hear that you don't necessarily have to have that lightning and thunderbolts or "hoopty glitter" feeling as some would say. i guess what it means to be "romantic" is different for each person. i think having been very much influenced by western thoughts about love from a very young age (no disney movies for my kids!) has had a detrimental effect on me and i'm assuming other girls my age. a lot of what i see of "love" isn't always demonstrated in that typical roses and chocolates way- it's more in the everyday kindness that i see, like when my dad makes chai for me and my mom :-* [quote]During my time in the US, my experience was that young people think about marriage a LOT, and -though I hope I'm not overgeneralizing- meeting a new person of the opposite sex usually goes along with a "could this be the one....?"[/quote] i feel like a lot of us, esp me, do this, and it just seems to make it artificial, like sometimes i wish i could just get to know someone as a friend first w/out those expectations of 'could he be the one' always playing so heavily on my mind. Sparrow, that's amazing that you knew the first time you met him. i think esp since i feel like i never know about anything, i'm so indecisive! Nur al Layl, thank you for your post and for those tips! i would agree, that seems like a good course of action to follow. [quote] I have a husband who wakes me up with a "song of praise on my lips.." and puts me to sleep "with a prayer of gratitude in my heart" [/quote] awwwww, that's beautiful :) may Allah swt grant us all w/ such a husband! and ayesha, that book sounds like an awesome one to use for that upcoming marriage workshop for halaqa ;) [slm] ruqq |
| Re: When did you know...? |
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| anon |
| 12/06/04 at 11:21:21 |
| [slm] WOW! :o The name of a Sufi Shaykh and on top of that a recommendation of his very-sufi book and the thread still hasn't been locked by bhaloo! Girls get away with everything! ??? hmm, I need to make a "sister id" :-) to post some sufi stuff from! :-X |
| 12/06/04 at 11:32:17 |
| anon |
| Re: When did you know...? |
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| jannah |
| 12/06/04 at 14:59:54 |
| [slm] al-anon what is banned in our constitution is the salafi vs. sufi type arguments, so please don't try to start one. jazakallah khair |
| Re: When did you know...? |
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| sundoc |
| 12/06/04 at 21:00:00 |
| [slm] From speaking with and having seen my friends getting married it seems that each coming together of couples is a journey unique to that couple... In the end though, from the narrations of our Rasul (saw) we read about how souls were matched before coming to this world, so its just a matter of time for the right souls to come together... Then there is my sister's insight, some souls might just be taking the scenic route in getting to each other ;) Sis Nur_al_layl... Jazakallah Khair for the clarification. I had figured it was probably something like that but just wanted to make sure :) And yeah... I know of the street sheikhs you were describing, met many myself :) May Allah forgive and guide us all, ameen. |
| Re: When did you know...? |
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| sonaheera |
| 01/27/05 at 13:26:25 |
| [wlm] sr. nur_al_layl i agree with you re: 'Check if his deen is on point (and not just the outer rituals) but someone who is truly humble, compassionate, sweet and kind...not so "into the deen" that he is all hard core, unforgiving, harsh, etc. Cuz trust me, sometimes it is better to be with someone who has good Akhlaaq and maybe just average in other ways..than the super Muslim who is totally active etc but really foul tempered and nasty or so narrow minded that every other Muslim is either an innovator or kaffir. But that may be just my preference ' Unfortunately I've met some brothers who seemed to have the deen that I search for, only later to find out that they may have other serious inconsistencies in their practice vs. their words. Someone who raises his voice at you is a red flag. Someone who cannot discuss different viewpoints relating to the deen may expect only his way to rule. Someone who has had many relationships with women and still keeps in touch with them and has close female friends may not be telling you everything. Someone who is deliberately vague in answering questions. I agree that character and importance of the most significant aspects of the deen should be given priority over the smaller details of practice; both would be a bonus. But it is important to see how he relates to others, how he handles arguments and stress, how he talks to the women in his life. In terms of istikharah, I believe that Allah is the only one who can ultimately guide one but we have to be able to recognize His guidance. I've done istikharah many times for one person but was confused, so I kept doing it for weeks. My heart said to move fwd but my mind wavered. It is hard to say when one knows b/c some people can talk forever and still feel they won't know each other until they live together. It is a challenge to 'know': some of us search for so many things and find it hard to find someone to fill a list of criteria, each of which seems important. Others it seems on this board didn't make it a research project, and just took a leap of faith for it to work out. But marriage is a one-time deal and no one wants to risk a situation of incompatibility, so I feel some questions and answers are important. The thing is to realize that at the end compromise will be a necessity on some areas of differences if you think the person is worth it. Also I don't know if it is a good idea to let your heart make the decision. you can fall for someone based on how they make you feel, the compliments, the good dynamic you share, but this can blind you to more objective factors. Ideally the mind and heart are in sync. If you are being led by your heart and fall for someone despite your mind telling you otherwise, are the heart felt emotions temporary or can they sustain a relationship? |
| Re: When did you know...? |
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| Fozia |
| 01/28/05 at 07:43:20 |
| [quote author=sonaheera link=board=sis;num=1101951519;start=10#14 date=01/27/05 at 13:26:25] Someone who has had many relationships with women and still keeps in touch with them and has close female friends may not be telling you everything. [/quote] [slm] :o :o :o Never come across that kind of deeny guy before.... Wassalaam |
| Re: When did you know...? |
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| sonaheera |
| 01/28/05 at 11:54:25 |
| [wlm] sr. Fozia, THAT's what I mean!! I met just that type of guy who I got to know to be very knowledgeable in all of the deen including details etc, however he had this inconsistency of practice that he was close to women and even had inappropriate 'relationships' with women even during our communication that I found out much later! I hadn't wanted to judge him on his past experiences because people can change, but the pattern continued somehow. Truly a shocking exposure to me in terms of being able to trust men, even who proclaim deen. This type of finding makes it all the more challenging to be able to 'know'. |
| Re: When did you know...? |
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| Ruqayyah |
| 01/30/05 at 01:22:55 |
| salam girls (and guys who are peeekin too ;)) what about the guy who states that religion is the first thing he looks for in a girl, is ok w/ her wearing hijab, prays, fasts, and does try to be a better person, dutiful towards his family, has good akhlaaq, is one of those favorites among the aunties for his politeness, but on the other hand could use a good dose of humility? an unnamed fish in the sea was found to have all these good qualities, but was a little cocky in terms of intelligence. i just don't know what to do, he has a lot of good qualities, but i just wish he was a little more humble.... perhaps that's a quality that could be fostered and grown? seeking your naseeha, ruqayyah |
| Re: When did you know...? |
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| Mona |
| 01/30/05 at 08:14:08 |
| [slm] Hmmm.... humbleness *is* usually an integral part of "good akhlaq".... Ask more about his good akhlaq - not from aunties but from co-workers, people in the mosque he attends. Maybe he just gives the impression that he is a bit cocky to people who don't know him, but infact he is just very down to earth. Investigate thoroughly. Insha'Allah if you purify your [i]niyyah[/i] and seek [i]ikhlaas[/i] in this "investigative mission" Allah will help you to find the right answer. Just remember that "[i]kibr[/i]" or arrogance is disease of the heart and is a really serious thing. No-one enters Jannah whose heart has an atom's weight of kibr. That's a saheeh hadith from the prophet [saw]. It can be worked on through tazkiyah and naseeha, of course. Just make sure you are frank with the person before you commit to ANYthing. In the pre-marriage talks bring this up in a way that would not offend him. Basically pray istikharah and just proceed with ta'aruf. If there is khair in it for you Allah will make things easy for you. Trust in Allah and stop worrying! I wish I can be of more help to you sis. May Allah give you tawfeeq and barakah. take care wassalam Mona |
| Re: When did you know...? |
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| ummnajmah |
| 01/30/05 at 11:41:39 |
| [slm] All I can say is that some pple say they know right away , some people later after marriage..If you make dua and pray that Allah(SWT) bring you that man who will truly be goood for you, in all honesty you will get him. I came close a couple of times thinking that that person was for me and somehow Allah(SWT) opened my eyes before it was too late and reallly showed me the bro's true nature. Allah guided my dear husband to me and his gentle nature,relationship with his family and love of deen tugged my heart.After a lot of duas and prayers on both our sides, we got married. And after marriage, he became even more special because he treasures me as I do him.. It's wonderful, alhamdulillah. ;D . You never know he is truly the one until you live with him after marriage, that's a true test. How he treats you, his family, his true relationship with Allah(SWT) etc. well..that's my two cents worth of advice...lol [slm] :-)ummnajmah. |
| Re: When did you know...? |
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| Trustworthy |
| 01/30/05 at 16:54:50 |
| [slm].... My dear Sisters...may Allah (SWT) guide the righteous of men to all of us, ameen. It's hard. It's really hard. Too bad Allah (SWT) didn't make an "Eve" for every "Adam", but imagine how hard it was for them. However, they were made for each other, simple as that. "Your wife is like your garment and your husband is like your garment." You should fit comfortably in every way. Not so simple to find a garment that's comfortable to you and here we don't have a choice to just throw every garment that doesn't fit away. It's not that simple. Huh...what's my point in all this babbling? My point is, you can search, you can study, you can feel...whatever...but the only real guidance will come from Allah (SWT) through Istikhara and prayer and du'as. Allah (SWT) will answer you somehow. How? You just know it. Trust in Him (SWT) and He (SWT) will guide you. Maybe you were meant to have one husband, may be you were meant to have none, may be you were meant to have more than one. I know it's hard to swallow, but faith makes it easier. My story is: My fiance was first a good freind. Then one day, he just all of a sudden propsed and I was shocked. Then I thought about it and said "No." Told him, I don't feel the same way, I'm not ready, every excuse you could find to get your point across to a perssistent person. Then I asked him this particular question..."how do you know that I am the one for you?" He said, "I can't explain it because I just know. I knew it from the first time we meet." Shocked me even more because he never told me that. Then I tried to pawn him off to someone I knew was looking. He got so upset. He said, "If you don't want to marry, that's fine, but don't try to marry me off to someone else. I told you that were the only one for me and that I will only marry you. I promise you this. Even if I have to wait for you in the Akhirah. " "You are not going to marry anyone else?" "No." "Ever?" "Never." "You will wait for me until the Akhirah?" "That's how I feel." "That's the strangest thing anyone has ever said to me." "You don't understand." "I don't understand." "Ok. Then just leave it." We left it for a while and then one day I felt that he was not well and asked him if everything was ok. He said that his parents and family tried to engage him with someone but he got upset with them because he had already told them about me and did the same thing I tried to do. So I asked him again if he was really not going to marry anyone but me. Same response. So I prayed Istikhara many times, made many du'as, and one day this feeling came to me to marry him. In the Istikhara prayer it says, "If we are right for each other in our deen and everything else, make it easy for us to be together. If it is bad for us to be together, then make it hard for us to be together so that we will never be together." Al-hamdulillah, it's been easy. Don't worry about it, have faith in Allah (SWT), and whatever happens, just remember Allah (SWT). Ma-assalaamah.... |
| Re: When did you know...? |
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| maryam786 |
| 02/03/05 at 00:00:23 |
| [slm] i Knew within the hour of meeting my husband that i was going to marry him. It was kind of like i had known him all my life and he was the one i was going to spend the rest of my life with...He says pretty much the same thing when i ask him, how he knew and when he knew :) :D...good luck to you... |
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