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Mothers heart broken

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Mothers heart broken
Caraj
12/04/04 at 00:52:46
I swear when it rains it pours.
All you kids who live away from your parents GO HOME  :(
My son just called me, he and his wife are selling their house and moving
to the east coast. I have ben in tears for hours.
I know this must seem weird, many of you live away from your
parents. But I raised my sons on my own and we have never been apart
by any considerable distance for more than 3 or 4 months.
And my 2 month old grandson  :'(
I cannot bare the thought of not holding him and kissing his sweet face  :'(
This was totally unexpected. They had already put their home on the market last week before telling anyone. Already have had 18 calls and rumor has it an offer is coming in the next day.
I guess I will be on the east coast one week-end a month.
Theres just no way I will not see my son or my grandson.
My daughter-in-laws parents just moved out there from Calif.
And I am trying not to be selfish. But they move cause they want to and work.
My sons and I have nearly always been together.
My heart is so broken. It is almost unbarable.
Not trying to sound silly. This hurts far worse than the
upcoming divorce 1,000 fold   :'(
Re: Mothers heart broken
jannah
12/04/04 at 00:57:42
slm,

That sux azizah :(

i know what it's like to have family so far away... look at me and 7... it's hard but u just have to think of it as expanding your links to the world... and with them visiting you and you visiting them and calls and emails etc.. it's really not so bad... it won't be the same but you can still have a good relationship with them and ur grandson inshallah :)
Re: Mothers heart broken
jaihoon
12/04/04 at 03:08:06
[slm]

May Allah make it easy for you and them!

Distance, physical or emotional, in relationship is indeed bitter. May that bitterness transform to sweet.

Jaihoon
Re: Mothers heart broken
Brother_Suleyman
12/04/04 at 06:58:05
[quote author=azizah link=board=madrasa;num=1102135967;start=0#0 date=12/04/04 at 00:52:46]I swear when it rains it pours.
All you kids who live away from your parents GO HOME  :(
My son just called me, he and his wife are selling their house and moving
to the east coast. I have ben in tears for hours.
I know this must seem weird, many of you live away from your
parents. But I raised my sons on my own and we have never been apart
by any considerable distance for more than 3 or 4 months.
And my 2 month old grandson  :'(
I cannot bare the thought of not holding him and kissing his sweet face  :'(
This was totally unexpected. They had already put their home on the market last week before telling anyone. Already have had 18 calls and rumor has it an offer is coming in the next day.
I guess I will be on the east coast one week-end a month.
Theres just no way I will not see my son or my grandson.
My daughter-in-laws parents just moved out there from Calif.
And I am trying not to be selfish. But they move cause they want to and work.
My sons and I have nearly always been together.
My heart is so broken. It is almost unbarable.
Not trying to sound silly. This hurts far worse than the
upcoming divorce 1,000 fold   :'([/quote]

Es_Selam'un Aleykum ve Rahmetullahi ve Berakatuh Sister Azizah,

Sister,before my message to you,please know that as i see from the board which also includes me, we will all be making duas to you,insh'Allah...I believe Allah will help for solving your problems and being relaxed...insh'Allah

Sister Azizah,let me tell you my life for a litle bit then i believe you will have the chance of looking to your issue from the other face,as also you do well;mine is just being the mouth of the young persons who lives with their families...

Sister Azizah,as you know from your life that mothers are always love their off springs too much and want from them to stay with them,this is their treasures in their lives...i believe this feeling is the sign of Allah that makes me astonished,wonderful one...This is the world's best love we can see on this old world...believe on me...

With looking the issue from an pure heart,the issue seems like that;but also adding some new conjectures to the issue;new dimensions are coming in front of our eyes...

We,the sons love their mothers too much,no doubt;what we also wanna is being the good husbands and the fathers living with their own dimensions,doing all our abilities...of course this does not mean us to left our family to our backs then moving away;i am just trying to drawing the borders of love with caring the son's conjectures,also i understand your feelings...

Sister,i have been living with my family more or less for 28 years,since i was born...yes,you did not hear wrong...long and long 28 years.In all of that time my mother had found the chance of kissing my face,she is so happy...but,what about me?...

Is it good at this age all i wake up and find a cup of milk on the breakfast table,i have no chance of refusing it...Is it good when i cough she calls me to going the doctor...?,what about a cold hand moving on my back understanding if my back is wet for causing a illness?,while i sleep...what about while going some where on the bus kicking some persons for opening a seat to me;also showing the girls suggesting to marry with them,at every where?,what about her calling my firm about why i became late while the time is not valid to quit?...what about making cakes and coming to firm??? inside my manager..what about,she came to the army while i was doing my military obligation,she came with a car including hundreds of meals that the security guards imagined an suicide attack!!! to the army....???...what about while i bathe and she knocks the door and calling by the cause of staying so much in it: "are you there?,living?"....

My uncle is 50 years old and has a big firm more or less commanding the millions..also his mother was following him whereever he goes,sitting between him and his wife and he was so jealous to his wife....also my uncle had to drink milk at every breakfast if his mother is near of him while her wife was trying to understanding the issue...

Sister Azizah,we surely know that you the mothers love us too much;but we have some needs;we need to prove our own leadership without under the shadow of any commander(including the mothers)...

As you know from the farm life,as i also love to live at summers out side of the city listening my mind;the animals in the farm first raises their babies and then they leave them alone for teaching their own abilities for learning the real survive without depending anyone...this is the rule of Allah;unless,if they depends their existences to a nother one,they will be surprised when they become lonley,they can't succeed...

Sister Azizah,as an result, i believe that you will be more happy when you see that your son being respected for the leader of the house without kisses on his forhead from his mother...i also believe that you will be more respected mother when they prove that they can survive on living without depending any one...the society will respect you and them for your education on them that they can succeed...believe me on that more happy life is waiting you...you have to be honored of seeing that your son has the power of standing on his own steps as an leader of his own family...

Sister Azizah,some times love make persons blinded that they can't see while loving and the loved one is suffering....

Sister Azizah,i tried to tell the needs of the sons with the examples from my life,may be all of these examples are not fitting on you;but just an example...also,you know the best...i believe...

I agreed with you that they have to be near of you whenever you need;but also caring the borders depends on their needs...you have rights from Islam for seeing them whenever you want;also they have some rights too...please take care on just about the borders which will make you and them happy...

I wish you a happy new life after seeing that how your off springs are very happy with their new life....Don't forge that the mothers gave us so much things and we can't succeed of replying their sincere concerns on us...your efforts are incredible...only Allah can reply in the Jannah,we can't,we have no abilities...apologizes...Amin..

12/04/04 at 09:27:27
Brother_Suleyman
Re: Mothers heart broken
yumna
12/04/04 at 10:27:30
.....gr8 work brotehr suleman ....now sis azzizah i hopw ur happy and cheered up aren't u?? don't worry ..my prayers r with u its really sad 2 c sucha  wonderful person like u ..get upset .. :(..stay cheerful and smile ..(its thawab ;)) and..go ride ur horse ..the one u got ..walk in the open fields pick flowers  and ..just have fun  :-*..ok ?
Re: Mothers heart broken
Caraj
12/04/04 at 11:53:46
Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement.
It has been a hard night. I went into the barn last night
and wept and wept. The horses must of thought I was nuts.
At 1 am I was still weeping and my oldest sons wife caught me
on the pc and asked if she could call me. Her and I talked to 3 am.
She is also upset as is my other son. Upset, angered and hurt.

This was such a shock. I ddon't think they have thought everything out.
1) My son lives in a little town and he is moving to a huge city
he has never been to. (Has he checked into the state lisc there? Does he relaize the systems are different there? He hates old work and likes new construction
I am hearing there is hardly new construction there,
see so many things to think about)
2) He has a $22. an hour job with medical benefits
and has not even looked into a job there.
3) He is selling a home he has almost 50% equity.
4) My daughter-in-law has a job she can bring my grandson to work with her
and is willing now to take a job with her family and
leave my 2 month old grandson with a babysitter.
He is only 2 months old, no one can take care of him better than his own mother.
I am not trusting of strangers and a baby cannot say
I sat in my dirty diaper 2 hours or I was not held most of the day.
it would be one thing if she had no choice.
5) They are talking about paying off all their bills when the house sells,
and that is fine but I don't think he thought about Capital gains tax.
If he does not use the profits to buy another home
there is a tax called capitol gains.
6) Their mortgage is lower than most rentals in the area.
And in the city they are going to I doubt they will find an apt as low as they are paying now. I mean their home has almost doubled in value in 3 years.
Their payments most cannot even get a 1 or 2 bedroom for much less a 3 bdrm home that is theirs.

Brother Suleyman, my son has lived with his wife in their own home for years,
They do not live with me. So it is a little different than your situation and we live 2 or 3 hours apart. But many things you said make sense.

The whole family is like   :o    >:(    :o    :'(
They didn't even tell us before they just decided this in a weeks time and
I don't think they thought things out.
I am not alone, my other son and his wife feel the same.
It would be one thing if they visited once ot twice.
All I can do is pray and be supportive of them.
It was just a shock.

And my son complained about me moving 2 or 3 hrs away and I was
getting ready to give up this ranch job and move back to the area.
Also he is so close to his brother. My sons have always been so close,
doing things together. Talking to each other about things, helping each other.
My oldest sons wife was talking to me about how her daughter 14 mons
last night was hugging and kissing the baby and trying to put his pasifyer
in his mouth and thought to herself, her daughter won't have her cousin to
play with.
I also feel so bad for my mom, she is a wonderful Great-Grandma and I know
she must be awfully upset, but she would never show it.
I just wonder how much he thought of it.

I had a wonderful offer and would need to leave in Jan for 3 months
but it was for a dream and hope of mine.
I went to my family and asked them what they thought.
They said they wanted me to be happy and it was only
3 months but had I thought of this and that and this
My oldest son was quite upset and talked to me and
had some very valid points. As a result I am waiting till next year
(The Iditarod) As a family although we make our own choices we consult one another. My youngest did not do this and it was in a weeks time.
What is that prayer about accepting the things I cannot change,
changing the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference ???
I love them and I want them to be happy.
I just want them to be happy here  ;)
Oh and my son says it is for a 6 month trial.
But if it did not work out his house will already be gone.
Knowing his boss I think he could always get his job back.
Ok time for me to stop rattling.

*** For those in other countries who do not know what the Iditarod is,
it ia a 1,000 mile dog sled race.
12/04/04 at 12:09:04
Caraj
Re: Mothers heart broken
Fozia
12/04/04 at 15:20:28
[slm]

Br. Suleyman I'm hoping your mum doesn't come online all that often as your post is really hurtful. All the things you mention are done out of love for you and my humble opinion on the matter is that you should be kind to your mother her intentions are for your benefit (if a tad claustrophobic).

Your post makes me realise that the pain I went through to give birth to my children, the sleepless nights I spend walking with my baby in my arms trying to soothe her to sleep, the months I have spent cooking extra meals whilst weaning my baby, the mountains of nappies that I have washed and changed. Will all one day be forgotten and perhaps I will spend the evening of my life wishing in vain for my child to pay me a visit once their needs have outgrown that which I can provide.


Sr. Azizah, have you tried sitting your son and daughter down and speaking to them in a reasonable manner, suggest they pay a visit to wherever they wish to move check out house/apartment rent/prices. Look into job vacancies, childcare costs?? Or is it now too late.

Personally I don't think anyone gets very far in life by hurting their mother.



Wassalaam
12/04/04 at 15:22:47
Fozia
Re: Mothers heart broken
Brother_Suleyman
12/04/04 at 16:34:05
[quote author=Fozia link=board=madrasa;num=1102135967;start=0#6 date=12/04/04 at 15:20:28] [slm]

Br. Suleyman I'm hoping your mum doesn't come online all that often as your post is really hurtful. All the things you mention are done out of love for you and my humble opinion on the matter is that you should be kind to your mother her intentions are for your benefit (if a tad claustrophobic).

Your post makes me realise that the pain I went through to give birth to my children, the sleepless nights I spend walking with my baby in my arms trying to soothe her to sleep, the months I have spent cooking extra meals whilst weaning my baby, the mountains of nappies that I have washed and changed. Will all one day be forgotten and perhaps I will spend the evening of my life wishing in vain for my child to pay me a visit once their needs have outgrown that which I can provide.


Sr. Azizah, have you tried sitting your son and daughter down and speaking to them in a reasonable manner, suggest they pay a visit to wherever they wish to move check out house/apartment rent/prices. Look into job vacancies, childcare costs?? Or is it now too late.

Personally I don't think anyone gets very far in life by hurting their mother.



Wassalaam[/quote]


Aleykum Selam ve Rahmetullahi ve Berakatuh Sister Fozia,

Sister,first of all i apologize from you if i hurted your heart with out any intention with my words...

I love my mother too much and i know that you the mothers are all wanting benefits,no doubt.

As  i said in my first message,ONLY ALLAH can reply your incredible efforts on us;it is too hard for us replying,also we we should be ready when ever our mothers need us,no doubt...this is why i did not marry till to this age,all my dream was seeing her happines after 2O years suffering from MG and the accident of my father looking him till to his death from an illness...i can't exchange her hapiness with a another one...i have just replied sister's message with an general perspective...mine is at the above...

But,also i am living in a different family as like we saw in the film Nutty Professor...this why i said some times love cause suffers...I wish Allah will satisfy your needs as you did for us....Wa Salaam.  
 


Re: Mothers heart broken
Caraj
12/04/04 at 18:10:51
Sister Fozia,
Be nice  ;) Lets not burn the brother at the stake.
I gotta admit I would never knock on the door while my
son was taking a shower unless the house was on fire  :(
Actually Sis yes and we all have been talking all day.
He wants to give his wife time with her family.
This is not permanate as her family relocates every 2 yrs or so for work.
I think there is more to this which I am reading in
between the lines and my other daughter-in-law already
guessed it.
I am going to visit them once a month for 4 days.
Luckily with my business I can do that.
Any Sista's in Maryland???


Update: They had an offer on their house today for $5,000 more than what they were asking and they are thrilled.
He says he only wishes to do this for 6 months to a year and is in need
of a change. And I'll love him and stand by him no matter what.
12/04/04 at 22:33:44
Caraj
Re: Mothers heart broken
yumna
12/05/04 at 07:30:41
..ok i feel stupid ..i hadn't even read wat brother suleyman had writtn it was soo loongg and i thought it must b something comforting  and consoling (im not saying it wasn't ok? )...anyway i had thought to read it later .. :-[and well forgot ..............ugh y m i telling u guys this ..nevermind i'll shut up  ::)
Re: Mothers heart broken
Brother_Suleyman
12/05/04 at 09:25:09
[quote author=yumna link=board=madrasa;num=1102135967;start=0#9 date=12/05/04 at 07:30:41]..ok i feel stupid ..i hadn't even read wat brother suleyman had writtn it was soo loongg and i thought it must b something comforting  and consoling (im not saying it wasn't ok? )...anyway i had thought to read it later .. :-[and well forgot ..............ugh y m i telling u guys this ..nevermind i'll shut up  ::)[/quote]

Es_Selam'un Aleykum ve Rahmetullahi ve Berakatuh,

Subhan'Allah,i am so regretful for replying that topic;my words still misunderstood,what can i do?...is there anyone who will help me for translating my words...Wa Salaam.

*Please,read my message more carefully,your comments really breaking my heart,i apologize that i will remind to myself for being not so sincere at the next time..
12/05/04 at 09:27:36
Brother_Suleyman
Re: Mothers heart broken
Fozia
12/05/04 at 09:57:00
[slm]

Br Suleyman no I did get the gist of what you were saying. I personally was trying to tell you to have more patience with your mother, yes the things you mention in your post sound annoying, however treat her with kindness it sounds like she has no one but her sons, and she must have spent her entire life devoted to you, now that you are older and independant she must feel lost and alone without her husband.

Sr. Azizah it sounds rather strange that you son and daughter are burning all bridges so to speak (ie selling home etc) for the sake of 6 months...

We are thinking of upping sticks and leaving for a good few years (leaving the country entirely) however there's no way we are selling our house renting it out seems more sensible as we dont know what house prices will be like when we return, also we aren't leaving till my husband has a definite position available to him. It sounds rather crazy for 6 months... but maybe it's just me???
12/05/04 at 09:58:36
Fozia
Re: Mothers heart broken
yumna
12/05/04 at 10:50:24
opps i did it AGAIN ! like i always do !! im sorry bro suleyman ..like i said i didn't even properly read wat was written....im the one who shud say sorry no hard feeling rite?.. :)
Re: Mothers heart broken
Caraj
12/05/04 at 11:58:39
Sr. Fozia, it would sound strange without knowing all the circumstances,
now that he and I talked I totally understand. I think what threw us all was the secrecy. Not coming to us a week ago and saying, Hey folks we are doing this---
Instead of doing it and popping it on us.
The house was listed in one day, they got 18 calls, shown it 2 or 3 times and
it sold the very next day for $5,000 over the asking price :o
All are shocked including my son as he thought he had 2 or 3 months.
And to add insult to injury they are to be out the end of this month.

I understand now that my son and I have talked. And it is 6 to 12 months.
He wants to give her time with her family. Prior they always lived away the last5 yrs. She took a pay cut and is working half the hours, and with the new baby and
debt I bet that thousands and thousands looked pretty good. And yes they could of just taken out an equity loan but my son has said for over a year they
were tired of the house. They were thinking of buying a new home or having one built before they had the baby. This way they will be totally out of debt with a huge savings to put down on another home at a later date.
As to renting they have seen to many folks homes get trashed and do not wish to take such a chance and renting it would defeat ther purpose of paying off the debts. As he says he has really grown tired of the house.

I have a deal with my son  ;) and he promised. (silly boy)
And I would be guessing he will be back in about ohhhhhhhh 3 months.  ;)
He made a deal with me thinking it won't happen and he is a man of his word.
I'll tell you all about this (thew deal) another time.

Br. Suleyman.......Please, do not take offence. I understand what you were saying and why you were saying it. And to me your mom does seem a small bit over mothering but as Sr. Fozia says we spend all this time raising and loving you men
and such. But it is ok, pls let me ask you........never hold back what you wish to say. Maybe sometimes people won't like it but if it is truth and from your heart
please never hold back what you wish to say. I have always prefered
Blunt honesty to candy coated words.

Sr. Yumna you are sooooo cool and sweet  :)

I'll be ok and they will be ok and Insha Allah they will return soon.
Remember the bet  ;) I will tell you all about it in about 3 months InshaAllah
I do and have always felt bad for my daughter-in-laws mother to be so far away and also from a new grandbaby but it is their choice to work the job they do.

12/05/04 at 12:03:18
Caraj
Re: Mothers heart broken
Brother_Suleyman
12/05/04 at 13:56:08
[quote author=azizah link=board=madrasa;num=1102135967;start=10#13 date=12/05/04 at 11:58:39]Br. Suleyman.......Please, do not take offence. I understand what you were saying and why you were saying it. And to me your mom does seem a small bit over mothering but as Sr. Fozia says we spend all this time raising and loving you men
and such. But it is ok, pls let me ask you........never hold back what you wish to say. Maybe sometimes people won't like it but if it is truth and from your heart
please never hold back what you wish to say. I have always prefered
Blunt honesty to candy coated words.


[/quote]


[slm]

Es_Selam'un Aleykum ve Rahmetullahi ve Berakatuh,

Jazak Allah Khair,Sister Azizah.I will take care on your encouragement...this is my style and i love to use;thank you very much...

Sister Fozia and Yumna;i have understood your feelings on the issue....i think the problem came from my writing style which i wanted for giving some smile to Sister Azizah's face by the cause of her last three messages in the board which called me to do something and  writing to her with the large limits including stories from my life...

As an result;no problem and no heart brake...we succeeded...Now,we see Sister Azizah more strong than before....evertything is okay...thank you very much for your sincere concerns and accuracy...Wa Salaam.
12/05/04 at 14:28:12
Brother_Suleyman


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