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marriage for citizenship?

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marriage for citizenship?
Heather
12/11/04 at 13:43:13
salam to everyone,

Hi, I am a long time lurker on this forum but I just decided to register and post.
I'll quickly go through my story.
I met a man while I was in Collage 10 years ago.  He was an arab muslim from Palestine.  He would always flirt with me and talk to me whenver he could.  He was really nice and charming.  About a year later I finally went out on a date with him. I barely knew him but he started to talk about marriage and all that stuff.  I told him, well we're both so young and we need to finish school, and uh, I don't know you kinda thing, but he was so presiestent.  We dated for another 6 months and I fell deeply in love with him.
I never thought I would end up marrying someone from another faith as I (brought up catholic), but I couldn't control the love I had in my heart for him, so I decided to get married.
My family was ok with it, because he seemed like a really nice hard working man.
ONe thing I had always wanted was children, and he said, as soon as we got married we would start to have them.
But about a few months after the marriage, everything changed.  He decided he wasnt ready to have children and wanted us to wait until he was finished school.  Then he decided that I should quit school and work full time, so he could continue his education full time.  The reasoning was so that when he finished school, I would go back, and we would reverse (him working full time, me juts going to school) I agreed, but ofcourse that never happened.  
It was a lot of red tape to grant him his citizenship.  Going down to the officials office often, taking documents and pictures, and then there were the interviews.  But I didnt' mind, because this was the person I married and would eventually have children with and  be with forever.  
For years I worked two jobs so he could just worry about going to school, but after he graduated with his degree he decided that I should continue to work, and school for me would come later.
Other things about him, he would go to the casino and gamble away half of his earnings...he would meet up with his friends (from Palestine) and they would hang out together all night and when he did come home, he would ignore me.
A couple of years went by and I brought up the issue of having children, he said, i'm still not ready I wasn't happy about that at all, but I didn't want to have kids with someone who didn't want them so  I thought I would just wait it out and see.
During the years I wanted to try to figure him out, since he wasn't good at communications, so I started studying Islam.
I started by reading his QUr'an...then I became addicted and went out and bought every book I could related to ISlam.  I was very interseted In what I was reading.  THen I started to realize that the way he and we were living weren't in accordence to his religion and I would bring it up to him.
Like, honey, why do you go gamble, don't you know you're not supposed to.
But when he realized what I had been up to (studying his religon ) he just got mad at me. He also got mad when he saw me reading the Islamic boook...and when I would ask him questions about the religion, he would say, don't worry about it, you're not a muslim.  
I kept doing it, asking things like, why don't you pray?, why don't you go  to mosque?  He would just say, because this is how I am, don't worry about it, etc....
Well the more I read the more I couldn't get enough of it....and then I started visiting Islamic web sites, and forums like this one, even though I never posted, I just read things.  I didn't know any muslims (other than my husband and his friends, but the didn't practice) his family was back in Palestine, and I can't speak arabic anyway.  
I was also very troubled about what I belived about God now.  I went and talked to my priest but he didn't give me any reasurrance.  THats when I thought I might want to beçome muslim.
When I told my husband, he just gave me a baffled look and said, whatever.
Well, about a year after that...he got his citizenship status, finally!!! I was so happy for him and us, It was also Ramadan time, he was invited to go break his fast at a friends house, and when I asked if I could come, he said (like usual), no you'ren ot muslim, why would you go. I said, well, you always leave me out of everything, and I would just like to see what goes on.  Ofcourse, I didn't end up going.
Not long after he got his citizenship, he started acting more and more distant.  I was used to him being kinda "difficutlt",, but I thought, oh well, he's just from a different culture, but I know he loves me, so I would shrug it off.
But in the back of my head I worried.  I knew of atleast five of his friends, whom got married to American woman, lived with them, yet never had kids, and they always ended up divorcing at the husbands request.
I tried to talk to him, to get to the bottom of things, and in a huge blow out argument, he admitted what  he had done.  Married me just for citizenship.
Now this was a few months ago and now he's moved out into a very nice apaprtment and is going on with his life with no guilt.
I'm very depressed, i'm almost 30 and don't even have a degree.

The good news though is that I do think ISlam is right and I'm going to get the courage to call my mosque and ask what to do next.  I realize that my husband was only muslim by name and I shouldn't let that discourage me.
But I was wondering if there is any ruling that says something along the lines of this.
Is it wrong to get married, if you KNOW you're doing it for the wrong reasons, or just to use someone?
THanks so much, Heather:)
Re: marriage for citizenship?
Fozia
12/11/04 at 14:52:12
[slm]

I find it truly admirable that your ex-husbands behaviour has not put you off Islam. Welcome to the board you will meet some great br's and sr's here Inshallah.

Marriage in Islam is definitely not something to be taken lightly.... Although divorce is permissable it's one of the least favoured of permissable acts. Most people I know (including me) would try everything to make the marriage work before at last resorting to divorce.
Sounds like the person you married seems to justify his act by deciding it's fine so long as his wife is not muslim. I'm pretty sure that is wrong, and I also happen to find his behaviour completely and utterly dispicable. I sincerely hope he chokes on his citizenship.

Is it not possible for you to do an open university type course (I'm British no idea what the open university equivalent is on your side of the pond sorry).

I always say this prayer when I lose out on something that I really wanted;
From Allah we came
Unto him we shall return
May Allah grant you a far greater reward in return of that which you lost.
(the above is a very rough translation (again sorry)).

Love & Duaas
Wassalaam
12/11/04 at 14:53:47
Fozia
Re: marriage for citizenship?
sal
12/11/04 at 15:40:30
If what you are saying is true .I mean if he doesn’t pray ,he is not a MUSLEM that is the first thing you should know from now on .Its is clear according to what you said he has no idea about ISLAM at  all .
If he is not honest to his religion (Claiming he is Muslem )then it is possible he can not be faithful to anything.To you as a wife to his friends etc  even to himself (ie practicing things that leads to hell fire such as gambling which is one of the  biggest sins
It happens wife can be  used for some goal man may want to reach through her this is very miserable in fact ,but learning always costs , so you must have learnt a big lesson .
The first lesson you have learnt is that he opened your  eyes  toward ISLAM which INSHALLAH will be the biggest prize you have won for your clean heart and the trust you have given to a person who doesn’t deserve .ALLAH  wanted your ISLAM be this way so the game is in your side  if he thinkshe is smart
The other lesson is that you should not trust a man who has no faith .
Are you feeling you are used ? is this making you upset ? you want the time go back to where it was some years ago ? This is natural feeling any body feels in such circumstance
Be confident the key of his success is in your hand .unless you forgive him he will fail and lose more than he has gained through cheating  
Don’t be sad And dont worry sister  ;-)


Re: marriage for citizenship?
Mona
12/11/04 at 18:35:50
[slm]

Dear Heather,

I am on the verge of tears after reading you post.  What your husband has been doing is not Islamic even though he called himself muslim.  It is absolutely wrong, islamically speaking, to marry someone with the intention to divorce them after a set period of time or to use them for obtaining citizenship.  I am very sorry that you had encoutered such a bad representative of Islam. I am also Palestinian and I can assure you that many Palestinians would just be appalled by his behaviour and the way he used you to pay for his eduaction and obtain citizenship.

I am so glad though that you are thinking more about Islam.  Which state are you at? Did you know that there are like 7 million muslims in the states and canada. There are many mosques and islamic organizations.  Check islamicfinder.com.  Visit a mosque in your area, they help you with any questions you have.

As for feeling bad and depressed, please try to reach out to someone.  Do not isolate yourself.  Also, just get yourself to do something about completing your studies.  This will help you overcome negative feelings.  What degree were you pursuing before getting married?  Did you want to complete it or just take new courses that you now find more interesting?   Don't feel like you have wasted your life in the past 9-10 years.  You've had experience in the workplace which will always be valued.  Besides, there are many mature students at colleges and universities.

So, if you don't mind me asking, is the divorce final now?  If it is not, don't give up your rights.  If your (ex)husband has assets, you are entitled to half of what he made during the marriage period.  Get a lawyer or a paralegal to help you settle the divorce.  

Please stay in touch with us here.  If you want to correspond by email you can
write an instant message to me and I will let you know my email address.

Take care
Mona
Re: marriage for citizenship?
Sara_R
12/11/04 at 22:35:10
Dear  Heather,

I am a 'lurker' in general here too.  ;) I have found it to be both educationing and enlightening and I hope you have found it valuable.

I am sorry that you have had a difficult time of it. It is sad to hear of a situation where you were manipulated and especially for such a long time! Marriage is an agreement between two people but the agreement should be done with honesty and best of intentions. Being misled or greatly hurt can be painful.

Mr brother is going through a divorce. Turns out my sister-in-law is a shopaholic and rang up over $50,000 in credit card debt on cards he never knew about!  :o

I am glad you still are interested in learning about Islam. Islam is very beautiful. Unfortunately we humans are very imperfect.  Islam was given to us to help us live better lives. Unfortunately we as humans don't always get the lessons and make mistakes. Myself included. And when I was learning about Islam and I'd hear about a situation like yours. To avoid qualifying all people as the same was I would reming myself that there are 1.5 BILLION Moslems.. if Islam condoned this there is no way all these people would be part of it (as well as so many people reverting-especially women.)

As someone recommended.. keep reading the Quran. Go to a mosque, ask questions and follow your mind and heart.  :)

You have my support.

Peace

Sara
Re: marriage for citizenship?
Halima
12/12/04 at 01:43:41
[slm]Heather,

From a far way land called Africa, I smypathise with you and understand your sitaution perfectly.  What that guy did to you is descipable.

But Allah works in mysterious ways.  You marry a non-practising Muslim for love, you support him and educate him.  In the process of his negligence and selfish motives which are totally un-Islamic, Allah leads you into the RIGHT PATH, ISLAM.  ALHAMDU LILLAH.

I do not condone his behaviour.  Whoever uses another person for selfish reasons finds his/her retributions one way or the other.  Don't worry about him.  You are a strong person judging from your story.  30 is not too late to go back to school for YOU.  You can do it and will find many good Muslims on this board as well as around where you live to give you the support and understanding of Islam you require.  You have already done a lot of ground work.  I hope sisters here like Kathy, jannah, etc., will help you if you got in touch.

I wish you all the best and would like to know how you are doing from time to time.

And welcome to the board, Sis.

[wlm]

Halima
Re: marriage for citizenship?
jannah
12/12/04 at 01:59:50
hi heather,

i'm so sorry for you... that sux what you had to go thru... i'm so glad you recognize that what he did was wrong regardless of whether he claims to be muslim or not..

God save us all from green card seekers :(

I hope you have an easier time of it now and can hopefully explore learning and practicing islam on your own..

take care,


Re: marriage for citizenship?
buL-buL
12/12/04 at 03:01:13
Peace be upon you Heather and welcome to the board.

I also don't post here that often but your story really touched me.  I really admire you for being able to see beyond this unislamic behaviour and appreciate what Islam is really about. I hope you continue to seek knowledge.  And don't worry, you are still young, you can always go back to school. You will do well, you have my support.

[wlm]
Re: marriage for citizenship?
Brother_Suleyman
12/12/04 at 04:17:04
Es_Selam'un Aleykum ve Rahmetullahi ve Berakatuh Sister Heather,

I wish Allah will help you for getting out from the situation you have,i can shortly give you a advice which is fardh from your religion that you have to be divorced from your husband,here are the ayats.You can search on the these ayats from the tafseers.

002.221
YUSUFALI: Do not marry unbelieving women (idolaters), until they believe: A slave woman who believes is better than an unbelieving woman, even though she allures you. Nor marry (your girls) to unbelievers until they believe: A man slave who believes is better than an unbeliever, even though he allures you. Unbelievers do (but) beckon you to the Fire. But Allah beckons by His Grace to the Garden (of bliss) and forgiveness, and makes His Signs clear to mankind: That they may celebrate His praise.

024.003
YUSUFALI: Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry and but a woman similarly guilty, or an Unbeliever: nor let any but such a man or an Unbeliever marry such a woman: to the Believers such a thing is forbidden.

060.010
YUSUFALI: O ye who believe! When there come to you believing women refugees, examine (and test) them: Allah knows best as to their Faith: if ye ascertain that they are Believers, then send them not back to the Unbelievers. They are not lawful (wives) for the Unbelievers, nor are the (Unbelievers) lawful (husbands) for them. But pay the Unbelievers what they have spent (on their dower), and there will be no blame on you if ye marry them on payment of their dower to them. But hold not to the guardianship of unbelieving women: ask for what ye have spent on their dowers, and let the (Unbelievers) ask for what they have spent (on the dowers of women who come over to you). Such is the command of Allah: He judges (with justice) between you. And Allah is Full of Knowledge and Wisdom.


Re: marriage for citizenship?
Milaya
12/12/04 at 06:11:53
[slm]

Ya Allah!! Sis, you sure had got thru a lot   :( *hugs* and must have tons of patience!!! I'm terribly sorry to hear about what your (ex?) husband did to u. Indeed, absolutely wrong! Alhamdulillah the hikmah is that all those stuff opened up your eyes towards Islam, the biggestest prize!! as bro Salem said ;). May Allah make your life brighter with Islam . If he leaves and neglects you, that's his loss!!! Ummm are you 2 divorced already??? Keep us posted on how you are doing ok? Keep learning Islam and don't lose hopes! You are in my prayers and thoughts.

A beautiful woman draws strength from troubles, smiles during distress and grows stronger with prayers and hopes. Tell this to a beautiful woman and I just did ;)

Your sister in Islam,
:-)
Re: marriage for citizenship?
Maliha
12/12/04 at 10:26:23
[slm] Sr. Heather,
I am sooo enraged after reading your post  >:(  What is wrong with these men? I am sorry I have heard a lot of stories similar to yours...my aunt works as an immigration attorney and some of the cases she comes across are horrific to say the least. Your husband put a piece of paper over his Religion, fidelity, integrity and honor.

He put a piece of paper over your marriage and any chances he has of true future happiness. In these situations, when people are willing to shirk out their souls for the cheapest price; I take comfort in knowing that God is Just and whatever he doesn't pay for now he surely will have to face God in the Hereafter with.

Okay, not to be the evil one; but just so you know you can revoke his citizenship if you make the case to immigration about his intention and fraudulent behavior. If you decide not to pursue this course; then fine as well; and may God reward you for all your patience during this hard time.

I am soo happy to hear about your journey to Islam. This truly reinforces the belief that Allah truly guides whom He wills. May Allah continue to guide you and blossom your soul into Gardens of purity in the midst of these deserts we live in (amin).

Sis, going back to school shouldn't be hard for you...make preparations from now to start taking classes as soon as next semester or the one after that. You can always work and go to school (I had two jobs and a full time class load for all my school dayz). It is possible and doable; especially if you find jobs that are on campus (ideally) or at least flexible with your class schedules.

Please do feel free to email or IM me if you have any questions about any thing. And please do reach out to the community in your area...(if you are in the greater DC area please let me know)...at a time like this you need all the support you can get.

May Allah continue to grant you patience; shower you with blessings; Wisdom and Mercy. (amin).
[wlm]
Re: marriage for citizenship?
Bangachi
12/12/04 at 11:03:56
I also too fell into that trap. My first husband was from Finland and always very
kind..but somehow deep down you wonder is it me or my papers. Then I met
my knight in shining armour from Jordan. He traveled to my home city in
Florida because he was a security memeber of the Jordanian Royal Family.
I fell madly deeply in love and I was keen on meeting a muslim for love and a relationship because this was after many years of searching found the path.
I wasn't totally aware of our cultural differences and having been brought up in America there were many. He returned from Jordan to Florida as usual for a few months...and was disgusted I was wearing hijab, reading Koran, and left me
for poor young hispanic girl. alhadulilah becuase I later found out he was maried in Jordan with children. I too was broken hearted and love can play tricks on your mind. I suffered a deep depression and felt like a fool. On the bright side there are
some good muslim men...family orientated loving and don't let this Kifar make you
bitter. Allah taught me a lesson..a painful one..but In Shallaa we learn and don't get fooled again. I will say a dua for you. You are a special creation of Allah
men are merely men. Stay true to your creator and I"m sure you will be directed to
the right path.
Wa-salaam
Love
Tara
Re: marriage for citizenship?
Heather
12/12/04 at 17:22:23

Salem to everyone again,

WOW, my mouth dropped as I read through all of the posts the responces I have read.  I can't belive how supportive you have been. To be honest, I wasn't sure what kind of reaction I would get.  I'm really glad I picked this forum to share my story with!!!
Thank you so much for all of the advice, inspiration, kind words and hugs...I return them all back to you.
I wish I had more time right now to reply to everyone and everything I wanted to, but I can't right now.  I will defenitly stay in touch, and become a poster of this bored, and I would love to exchange emails to the woman who wanted to!
I just want to take a moment to clear things up.
I'm not 30 yet, 27.  I just get scared because I know 30 is around the corner and I thought my life would be different than it has turned out. (husband, kids, degree)
I met my husband in 95, but didn't marry until 96...so we were married 8 years....but knew him almost 9.  I was thinking it's almost 2005, so I put 10, but just wanted to point that out.
My original studies were in psycology before I dropped out.
I just enrolled now to start February 7th for Surgical Tech...it's a two year associates at a local community
collage. I live in Cincinnati, Ohio.
There is an Islamic center here, that I plan on getting in touch with them soon as I get the nerve  :o
I'm not divorced as of yet. We go to court in Feb to make it final.
I know there were so many other questions but I don't have much time on here, I'm at my parents house. I don't have a computer yet at my apartment (the old one croaked):)
Wow, I'm crying happy tears, thanks so much for all of your input..it means so much to me. I'm glad to find out the rulings according to Islam on my situation.  I thought I knew, but wanted some input from real muslims (unlike my husband)
ps. is anyone on here from the CIncinnati area???? Thanks again, you guys ...well I can't even find the words to describe 8)
Re: marriage for citizenship?
timbuktu
12/12/04 at 21:21:55
[slm]

[quote]I'm not 30 yet, 27.  I just get scared because I know 30 is around the corner and I thought my life would be different than it has turned out. (husband, kids, degree) [/quote]

there is an american revert who married a fellow american when she was just out of high school, and when she was a Christian. They had kids but the guy was abusive to her and the children. So she was divorced, and hadn't had a degree by then. I think at near 30-35 she decided she wanted to do better, and she went back to school, eventually doing her PhD. Then she went into teaching, eventually landing in UAE, where she became a Muslim. Three years after that she met an expatriate Muslim, and married him. They are quite happy together.

One always feels that old age is just round the corner, and society pushes us so. WHen you trust Allah, your perspective is different and everything falls into place. :)

insha`Allah averything will be all right. Trust God, and ask Him for His Mercy (and Bounty as well, why not) in this world and in the Hereafter, but stay loyal to Him, for then you wil be tested.

may Allah give you the best in both worlds.

aameen
Re: marriage for citizenship?
onemuslimgirl
12/12/04 at 21:31:19
Hi Heather,
its good to hear that you are thinking about accepting Islam, inshAllah you will. I too am 27 years old, and like you my life has not turned out the way I had thought  it would (husband, kids, etc), even though my story is different than yours. But somehow everything that has happened in my life, the good and the bad has made me a stronger (and hopefully better *smile*) person.

I agree with almost everything that everyone has said on here, forget about him! easier said than done, I know, but you know what they say; the best revenge is to go on with your life and become a success *smile*. take care of your self and trust me you'll prob. be making more money as a surgical tech than some of us college grads (*cough* teachers *cough*).

This time around look for a real Muslim guy and I know you will be happy inshAllah....take care.....


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