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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| to give up yrs of dreams for one dream? |
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| salaampeaceshalom |
| 12/14/04 at 04:21:33 |
| [slm] Guys, I'm looking for ur advice... Despite the hiccups, somehow my whole being is more stable and I feel content in getting married soon, actually I *really* want to get married soon. I have asked my fiance if we can do so in maybe May or June of this coming yr. However, I am currently in Malaysia and he is in the UK. I was planning to stay here for 2yrs but that is now being changed to 3yrs, (not my own choice). I will not be able to be with my fiance for good for at least another 2 or 3yrs, and due to this he is hesitant in us marrying so soon, as he does not want to be apart from me for so long once we are married. I know that this will be hard and even painful to be seperated once married, even tho we are already finding the current situation hard, yet we both *do* want to get married. However, I am trying to see things in a more positive light, whereas he at the moment appears quite anxious and negative about things now. I have contemplated leaving Malaysia to go back so that we could get married, but he is fearful that I will end up resenting him for giving up a number of dreams that have meant so much to me for the last few yrs of my life especially, and to be honest, this is something that I secretly fear too. He has a contract to be in the UK for at least 2yrs as a doctor insha'Allaah and so cannot join me. My parents will also not be happy if i just walk away and come back to the UK, and somebody has reminded me that at the moment my parents have more of a right over me than does my fiance. Without giving away too much, I am aiming to work with medecins sans frontieres and to work in palestine. The last few yrs of my life have driven me to this, and during the last 2yrs my dreams have begun to materialise. If I go back now, I will be unable to continue with this, and I am debating, altho I know this will be so difficult for me, to turn away from my dreams, and to go and be with him. Basically, the situation is a lot more complex than this, but time does not permit me to go in to much detail. I am at a loss, and have been praying al-istikhara. I would like some advise and especially so frm the married couples who have spent time away from their loved ones, and how they have fared. I don't know if my fiance will be content to marry so soon now, and I don't know if I can be so patient as I am already finding things so hard and want to be with him. I don't know if it is wise to get married and then face a 3yr seperation, altho we will try to see each other as much as we can in that time insha'Allaah, nor do I knw if it is best if I leave all my other dreams that are so close for me to obtain, to fulfill at least my dream of being with him in marriage. :( barakAllaahu feekum for any advice |
| 12/14/04 at 04:25:11 |
| salaampeaceshalom |
| Re: to give up yrs of dreams for one dream? |
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| timbuktu |
| 12/14/04 at 09:35:38 |
| [slm] sister A few months after marriage, my wife became pregnant, and went to the UK, while I stayed in Pakistan. I went to see her briefly, but we were away from each other for nearly 1 year and ten months. It was hard, but I had a demanding job, and lots of new things to do, so I did feel her absence, but not as much as she did. The idea was for her to do MRCP, but with our child she couldn't study, and although she was with her father and brother and sister in law, she felt very, very lonely. So finally she came back. Being engaged for a long period is difficult, and gazes can stray, especially in ther West, unless one is very, very determined to resist temptation. Being married and living away from each other for a long time, is even more difficult. If both of you have to be comfortable with such a long separation, (and the attitudes change with time), then your scheme of not giving up any of your dreams may work. Generally it is not possible if one partner has a lower commitment to the dreams of the other. You have to ask yourself if you go for your scheme, and your fiance succumbs to the pressures, and forms a liasion or marries someone else, can you live with it? |
| Re: to give up yrs of dreams for one dream? |
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| UmmWafi |
| 12/14/04 at 11:45:13 |
| [wlm] Dearest sis I think your problem is more complex than just deciding whether u shd get married or not and if u do whether u can face the separation or not. U mentioned earlier about your dream of joining doctors without borders and work in Palestine. Question is, if u do get married now, stay apart for 3 years to finish your studies, how would your then husband feel about transplanting and go to Palestine to live out your dreams ? It would not be a problem if he shares the same dream (u mentioned him being in the medical profession) but supposed being a part of doctors without borders is not exactly his dream, then what ? If u do decide to abandon ur studies and move back to get married, how do u think u would feel ten years down the road, having to give up ur studies, having to give up working in Palestine (supposing u have to give that up along with ur studies), having to live a completely different life than what u have always thought u would lead ? It all boils down to a matter of choice sis. Yes, I have left my family, a husband and 2 children for the sake of pursuing my studies. It was hard, extremely hard. For everyone. But what made it do-able is the fact that I have the complete support of my family. Complete support. My husband didnt even give second thoughts about the situation at all. In your case, your fiance has hesitations which means that if a push comes to a shove and he agrees to marry then separate with you, would there be resentment ? I dont know, neither would you, nor would he until the deed is done. I guess what you have to do now is to sit down and really think hard about your life thus far and where u want to see urself going in the future. How important is this study to ur future happiness as compared to how important being married to him is ? Its strange, we think that its as difficult as making the right choice in situations like this. But I feel its more difficult than that. It is more about how would Allah SWT require us to perform our obligations as a Muslim. At this stage in ur life, ask urself, how best can u be a better Muslim to Him. By attaining 'ilm or by marrying ? I have no answers sis but those are some points u might want to consider. Btw please IM me if u wish to contact me. I am across the pond from u and u can always pop over for a visit should u have any breaks or vacation. Would do my level best to make u welcomed :) All the best to u and may Allah SWT provide u with hidayah to make the best choice for ur iman, Inshallah. Wassalam |
| Re: to give up yrs of dreams for one dream? |
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| Bangachi |
| 12/15/04 at 12:30:06 |
| If in fact sister one of your dreams is going to work for Doctors without Borders in Palestine...they desperately need you and any other doctors willing to make this sacrifice. However...that need will be around for a long time if losing your fiance is something you can't handle based on the the things you want now... somehere a sacrifice has to be made. Follow your heart and trust that Allah in his infinite wisdom will not lead you astray. Wa Salaam, Bangachi |
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