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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| American almost 18 year old daughter dating 21 yea |
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| selah |
| 12/26/04 at 11:51:15 |
| Dear fellow Muslim board members, I am an American Mom, who has an almost 18 year old beautiful daughter, dating a wonderful Lebanese man. I have been trying to educate myself on culture and customs of Lebanese to better understand the muslim world. My daughter's boyfriend is very much enthralled with my daughter and will be moving to a different college some 3 hours away. They are very much together all the time, and my conern is that will this move affect their relationship in any way, as he feels that he will be coming home every weekend as his parents live in the same city as we do.( he has lived at home ) He is very much adoring towards her, buying her flowers every week, as well as various other trinkets, and has indicated he very much cares for her. She, my daughter although 4 years younger than he, has a mature mind and finds him so compatible with her. They are both into the arts, having intellectual conversations, and she has alot of the traits I have read about that lebanese/muslim females have such as, she always has her hair in "pretty" ways, she adorns herself in lots of jewlrey, and good perfumes etc. She has also introduced him to many friends whom have embraced him and he is now in her circle of friends as he is rather shy and quiet, however my daughter brings out the best in him, and him in her. The other day, I found her trying to figure out how to wear a "hijab" for over an hour with a winter scarf she wears with her coat! as well as she is now requesting to go shopping for "dressy clothes" instead of wearing the ripped and torn jeans she usually wears. :-) I have noted that he never wears jeans and is always dressed very well. My questions are 3 part, 1) will the distance affect their relationship, or will it make it only grow stronger? He [plans to drive back home every weekend. He is so good for her, she is rather outgoing and sometimes demanding, yet she has lived a very sheltered life in terms of not having yet only 1 other boyfriend, she does not have her drivers license yet, and likes him to "take care" of her, and he seems to not mind. 2) In the muslim culture, is she too young for him to become involved in a more serious relationship with him if this were to develop? ie do Lebanese males marry younger females, esp. ones who are from the Western world and American? 3)What is my part in terms of helping them or encouraging this relationship, yet not encouraging it in case the distance hinders their relationship due to him being older and having more mobility. In summary, she is guarded with him, only because he will be moving in January, he is totally enthralled with her, and adores her, however, perhaps being away from her, she fears, he will find someone else. :'( :-) He would like her to attend an art school next fall in the same city he attends college and that would be possible. Thank you in advance to those who post to this question! ~Selah~ |
| Re: American almost 18 year old daughter dating 21 |
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| selah |
| 12/26/04 at 12:57:12 |
| Dear fellow board member, So do you say that they should not date or be together? She is not Muslim, he is. However, I believe he is ready or thinking in terms of marriage. He would like to take her to Lebanon this summer for her 18th birthday to meet his family and friends in Lebanaon. Do you think this is a good idea, and do you think that they would come back married? Forgive my questions and confusion, this is why I felt posting on this board would be helpful for me to understand this process. Thank you very much for explanations.. ~Selah~ :-* |
| Re: American almost 18 year old daughter dating 21 |
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| jannah |
| 12/26/04 at 13:25:21 |
Hi Selah, You sound like a very good mother. It is so nice to hear of you so concerned for your daughter's happiness :) There are alot of variables that go into any relationship. To tell you the truth, there is really no one type of Muslim guy. Some are very nice and kind and treat their wives so well, others turn out to be hypocritical and just pretend to be "good muslims" on the outside, manipulative and out for one thing. (that or greencard etc?) On this board, truly we have heard both kind of stories. The horror stories and the one's with happy endings. Since we don't know the guy, its really hard to tell how he is at all and how he will treat your daughter in the future. I think from what you tell us that they seem in the first blushes of a relationship, so perhaps you should caution your daughter to take her time and try to get to know him better before she really gets into anything. I find it surprising that he will take her to Lebanon unmarried. It could be very odd for a Muslim man to show up with an american girlfriend in his country, unless he told them they were engaged or there to get married? Unless maybe his family is completely non-religious? As for will distance affecting their relationship, its really difficult to say. Like anyone's relationship affected with a trial it could go either way. I think nowadays Arabs marry alot older than they have before, usually after they have completed schooling like around 25ish, even for girls, but it is common to be married much younger. It's kind of you to want to encourage their relationship, but as the mother I think you should be more cautious, especially as she is so young. If he "finds someone else" he obviously wasn't the right one for your daughter right! Good luck with everything, Jannah PS. - bhaloo its not really helpful to her to just tell her its not allowed in islaam. we know alot of people do things that are not allowed or make mistakes, we still should try to help and deal with these things. |
| Re: American almost 18 year old daughter dating 21 |
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| Sara_R |
| 12/26/04 at 21:01:26 |
| I would ask what you mean by 'dating'? If he is sincere and a good Moslem he will make every effort to not be alone' with her.. If they are spending time with your family and a group of friends is there a problem? Just asking folks on this boards. Ideally marriages should be arranges and as a revert Moslem here in the west without the family and/or community support it can be difficult. Selah, A couple of other things: Does he have any family here? Can you meet them? Does his family in Lebenon speak English? Can you speak with them? What does his family think as she is not only western but non-Moslem (at this point)? Also, does he plan to live in the country of residence or go back to Lebanon after schooling? Frankly the distance may not be a bad thing as it can be a chance to really 'think' things through. Assuming marriage is in the future it does need to be made with mindfulness and reason. What are his plans towards your daughter? I think it is most important for you to talk to him to ask him. Is really level headed and realistic? Is he very mature and responsible? |
| Re: American almost 18 year old daughter dating 21 |
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| bhaloo |
| 12/26/04 at 12:40:21 |
| Off topic replies have been moved to [link=http://www.jannah.org/cgi-bin/madina/YaBB.pl?board=madrasa;action=display;num=1104111974]This Thread[/link] by jannah. |
| 12/26/04 at 21:46:13 |
| jannah |
| Re: Dating vs Arranged marriage, etc |
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| selah |
| 12/27/04 at 09:44:38 |
| Dear fellow board members: :'( I never dreamed that there would be so much debate, and division in inquiring about the topic of an American, non-muslim girl dating a Lebanese man. :o By reading and unpackaging all of the feedback, I have come to a realization that no matter what, there is always going to be some form of disagreement on opinions surrounding such "hot topics" as this, especially concerning inter-faith, inter-ratial dating, ie marriage. Last evening I did have a chance to sit down 1to1 with Wasim for some discussion. In response to some of the questions posed in other posts, I now have some clarification on several issues. First off, very rarely are they "alone" together, they usually are with friends in groups, the only times they have "hung out" alone, have been if he has taken her to an art museum, or a performing arts theater etc. as she is very "artsy" yet intellectual, and more carefree, he is very shy and more serious. What you all have to understand and grasp, is that first off, my daughter has led a very sheltered lifestyle, again, she does not have her drivers license yet, she has never been in another state without her parents (ie her Dad and I) she is very much non-materialistic, money does not motivate her. If you can think of Princess Diana, the way she was, this is very much how my daughter is in that she does not have a mean bone in her body, she is very much a person who cares for the uncared for, and is extremley non judgemental,often putting herself last on the list when it comes to reaching out to friends or the disadvantaged in need, even though she is my daughter, I might add, she is very beautiful and striking in appearance, people gravitate towards her because they know they do not have to perform, that she meets them where they are at, and has no agenda. Although my daughter is not a princess, she does on some level look to Wasim as her prince as he is very kind, gentle, yet very stable, financially advantaged and has a good heart, often bearing her as well as her brother gifts for no real reason other than he desires to share his riches. He gives her 1 dozen roses every week, every bouquet he gives her she has saved and dried out to make dried flower arrangements. So getting back to the original previous posters questions, yes his family lives here, he does not plan to live in Lebanaon when he graduates which will be awhile as he is going for his Phd and docturate which will be about 6-7 more years. My daughter plans to attend Art School, which based on our income and since we have 4 children she will probably be able to attain scholarships. She is able to take formal art classes as her mentor is her art teacher, who sponsors her as she feels our daughter has a flair for art, and if she continues to pursue this field, could have a career in it. So far, 2 pieces of work my daughter has done, have been auctioned at a fund rasing event she donated to for >200 $ Getting back to Wasim he is very level headed, responsible, peaceful, and most of all, he loves my daughter, which includes respecting her, ie they are very much what would be considered in modern times, traditional , or "old fashioned" when it comes to any type of intimacy level in their relationship. I and my husband, although we are not muslim, teach our children and stress abstinence until marriage, and they are both in alignment with this and agree on the concept of abstinence. This my friends is what is so very refreshing with this friendship, relationship they are developing, no pressure surrounding the quote on quote quest to have intimacy before marriage as Wasim puts it, this just confues things, and I totally agree. When and if he does decide to take her with him to meet family in Lebanon, his intent is to have her be exposed to his culture on a level he would not be able to do in the states, according to Wasim, it is easier for a non-muslim girl to marry into a muslim male's family, rather than a muslim girl to marry into a non-muslim male's family. Today his Father has invited my daughter, with Wasim for lunch as his Father has not ever met my daughter yet. Wasim is not concerned that his Father will not accept her, as much as he is concerned that it will take awhile for his Mother to accept my daughter due to her not being Lebanese. With time, he is hoping, and if this relationship continues despite distance for awhile, that his Mother will see all the good in my daughter, and come to understand that it really is his choice of who he wants to be with and married to for the rest of his life. My daughter is the type of girl that is willing to conform and follow his customs and traditions, yet still keep her sense of self. I am on a Multicultural Board and Center in the community that I live in, and see the whole religious, and ethnics issue regarding folks of different nationalities and cultures as a large mosaic tile, if you will, all being pieced together, to understand, embrace and honor eachothers differences, yet similarities, as we all, no matter what religion, or ethnic race we come from, or marry into, have the same needs in terms of longing for acceptance, and a feeling of belonging and being loved unconditionally. :'( As one of the posters put it very brilliantly, there are good and bad of any and all population and races, as there will ALWAYS be good vs. evil, if one tends to look more for the good, rather than the bad or evil, the good prevails, cancelling out the evil, one cannot sum up, and develop ratial profiling in stating one culture or another is labled so diachromatic. Growing up and still to this day, one of my favorite books of alltime, is by Kahil Gibran: "The Prohet" who i just discovered is Lebanese! Kahil Gibran's teaching to this day, contains so much truth. If anyone has not ever read this book, although most of you, probably have, I would highly encourage you to pick up a copy, it is not only a great read, but a book in which you will want to refer to on a continual basis, it is both thought provoking and an enlightening view on the world in which we live in, no matter what color you are, no matter what your socioeconomic class, or religion one is. Thank you one, and thank you all, for your thoughts, opinions, and most of all your passionate responses, as passion is truly what motivates us and sees us thru many trials and tribulations despite resistance and turbulance. I appreciate any and all feedback, positive and negative, as this is how one becomes the most educated on subjects, to then have a better understanding by processing thru facts, opinions, and personal experiences and feelings by others. It would be helpful to me, if there are other Moms, ie families who have had similar situations to share on how things have worked out with them. ~ Selah~ :-* |
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