A R C H I V E S
Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Polygamy |
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| Angelic |
| 02/03/05 at 18:29:04 |
| assalamu alaykum I would like to know if there are any non-arab brothers who are in a polygamous marriage, or even if you are not what are your opinions about carrying out the required duties. I am asking because I feel that polygamy practiced by most arab men is mainly seen as cultural in their society rather than a duty upon the men in Islam. The consensus shows that most men who do practice polygamy are from middle eastern backgrounds and who only recognise it is their god given right but are blind to their responsibilities so I am interested to compare this attitude with a non-arab man who has more than 1 wife. I look forward to some interesting views. Angelic |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| Mona |
| 02/04/05 at 09:43:30 |
| [slm] angelic, i also wish that there were more studies on the practice of polygyny among muslims. are there? i have a similar feeling that it is most commonly practised by arabs just because they think it is their "right" ... although, i don't think there are many polygynous men on this board who could offer their insight. but very interesting topic ... mona |
| 02/04/05 at 10:56:21 |
| Mona |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| M.F. |
| 02/04/05 at 10:33:33 |
| Salam Angelic Surprisingly enough, there are quite a few young American converts to Islam who take more than one wife, sometimes in different countries. I can't say I know anyone personally myself, but I've heard of this happening a lot. |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| Angelic |
| 02/04/05 at 20:43:07 |
| Salam Thank you Mona and M.F There are many books on the subject of Polygamy. An excellent and well known one is that written by Bilal Philips. However, I personally believe the Imams and scholars in these muslim community have the duty and responsibility to relay correctly and in full the obligations and understanding of polygamy to the community in a formal setting, such as through lectures and during Jummah where the message is more likely to be heard. Since I am in a polygamous marriage myself and have spoken to many women in the same situation it certainly has become apparent that many just see it as their right and merely as a cultural aspect. I so far have only found 1 American lady who is married to an American (of non-middle eastern decent) whose experiences are very different to those of us married to one of middle eastern decent. This couple are now living in KSA so they haven't grown up in an arab society. So now I am more intrigued than ever to hear opinions of both brothers and sisters in this situation. I hope some other members of the forum will post some opinions. Salam Angelic |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| timbuktu |
| 02/05/05 at 08:36:57 |
| [slm] interesting topic. I think I have heard that the Saudis take their responsibilities seriously. On the other hand, I have also heard that Saudi men now want wives who are teachers, because they themselves aren't good at earning anything. well, I am a non-arab, and do not have a second wife. But the idea is interesting, and has merits. perhaps to answer your question, I should take a second wife, and see how I handle my responsibilities, and then tell you. :) on the other hand, not such a good idea, because the house is in my wife's name (why was I so stupid), and she has said although she has no objection to my marrying again, I will have to accomodate the second wife somewhere else. :) I guess this is her way of saying she won't be cooperative with me having a second wife. :) seriously though, what is your experience, and can we help? |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| sal |
| 02/05/05 at 15:03:09 |
| You guys are making things so easy that Arabians can so easily marry more than a wife just because it is their right I think its wrong and hard to take any thing just because its ones right without being mindful for the conditions to take that right If the man thinks that way ,should the second wife also think alike she is just a thing being taken as a right with out concentrating on her right as well? Does she agree? Do the family of the second wife agree their daughter be taken as a thing fulfilling the desire of a man’s right? What I want to say is, believe or not more than 60% of the Arabian men are not able to marry the first wife for such a strict conditions the families are putting, then imagine when he can afford the second I just wanted to clarify some point over this issue since I am Arabian but if its not a turn for Arabian to reply ,I don’t know then just remove it and Its ok with me. NOOOOO Problem at all ;-) :) I LIKE THIS TOPIC |
| 02/05/05 at 15:06:42 |
| sal |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| Angelic |
| 02/05/05 at 19:41:44 |
| salam Timbuktu and Salem Thanks for your responses. Timbuktu, thanks for asking if I was needing some help, nothing anyone can do actually I'm just trying to find some rationale behind my situation and situation of many other ladies out there who suffer similar abuse. Salem, I'm not having a dig so sorry if it appeared that way. I'm looking at the situation where a man of middle eastern decent takes a foreign wife as a co-wife. In the arab culture, there is no way a man would get away of not being mindful to his wives of the same background, I'm sure the families of his wives would interfere somehow but for us foreign reverts we don't have the same support. I can only be general in what I say because I do know of some good cases but the bad cases seem to outweigh the good. Unfortunately not all Saudis take things seriously. As an example, there are many who are transferred to work in another country like the USA, their families don't travel with them so the husband decides to take another wife in the USA, unbeknowns to the sister, this man has the secret intention of divorcing her when he has to finally return to his home country. This is haram because it's been described as being similar to one of those muta marriages. I'm not married to a Saudi but an Egyptian but like myself there are many of us sisters who are co-wives who entered the marriage purely to learn and grow as a muslim, then to find that we are not treated fairly nor as equals. Before I became a muslim I thought that muslims in general were far better than Christians in their rememberance and worship to Allah. Afterall, in many middle eastern countries there are talks and lectures taking place all the time. I didn't think there were any excuses for one not to have any knowledge but like someone said to me last night , it's like the many Christians who go to church on Sundays, listens to the sermons of the priests and have never read the bible and their whole christian outlook is just about going to church. I'm going off the topic here, however, many of us sisters have tried to convey the Quran and sunnah to our husbands but we are not heard and ignorance remains. I'm not asking people for a solution, from hearing the stories of many it comes across as those these men only understand their right to take 4 wives and are blind to their responsibilities, I'm just trying to find the source of the attitude. Many thanks for your input. Angelic |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| sal |
| 02/06/05 at 04:24:54 |
| [slm] Angelic my explanation was over the marriage in the arab society when both are from the same background [quote] In the arab culture, there is no way a man would get away of not being mindful to his wives of the same background, I'm sure the families of his wives would interfere somehow but for us foreign reverts we don't have the same support[/quote] Oh if the man is fearing the wive’s family and not ALLAH? I did not count such husbands as men So The case is taking another curve then if what you mean is unfair treatment to the foreign wives by the arab husbands ,what you said is very true and I have seen similar cases of what you are talking about [quote] Unfortunately not all Saudis take things seriously[/quote] I do agree with you totally you can even say most [quote] As an example, there are many who are transferred to work in another country like the USA, their families don't travel with them so the husband decides to take another wife in the USA, unbeknowns to the sister, this man has the secret intention of divorcing her when he has to finally return to his home country[/quote] Its clear if the man is of this type he has a big ignorance in his religion that this is haram .If the man then doesn’t distinguish between what is HARAM and what is not I don’t think he will be able to treat his wife or wives fairly. This reflects his lack of good information in his belief and even the first wife is not living better than the second with such a husband ,so its both wives bad fortune to be wives of this man. Not only one of them I am sure a man with more than a wife is either fair to all or awful to all.may be if one of them feels she is happier with him than the other I can say that is a temporary cheating he is practicing over her because a righteous muslem should treat both or all equally .Now the question is not then over the polygamy system but his personal manner which he will illustrate his evilness in all his treatment with other matters too , and as for you its your part that concerns you that you are talking about .In her turn his mother might say the same as what other mothers say about sons etc… Its like when a person has a wound on his body not only the neighboring organ sufferers but all the rest of the body feels the pain With such kind of a man not only one of his wives suffer of his conduct but all who Is in contact with ,if the case is based on not being aware of what unfair treatment means in ISLAM [quote] Before I became a muslim I thought that muslims in general were far better than Christians in their rememberance and worship to Allah. Afterall, in many middle eastern countries there are talks and lectures taking place all the time. I didn't think there were any excuses for one not to have any knowledge but like someone said to me last night , it's like the many Christians who go to church on Sundays, listens to the sermons of the priests and have never read the bible and their whole christian outlook is just about going to church [/quote] This is true so who does that is then doing for himself and one should not be affected with their slip-up. The funny thing is some muslems understand the religion wrong way .They think they are already muslems and that is all.so imagine such thin thinking .and if a person is so narrow minded to be awake of what takes him to hell and what not should we expect from him to be an ideal husband for even one wife? A muslem is not who is born from a muslem family but who practices it correctly. who cares then if they don’t. ALLAH brings new muslems to the right path daily from different part of the world Any Way this the first test a muslem man is to be given before taking as a husband |
| 02/06/05 at 04:30:33 |
| sal |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| Angelic |
| 02/06/05 at 07:08:00 |
| Salam Salem Thank you again for your comments. In my case I certainly feel that my co-wife is not being treated well either because she is unsettled not knowing exactly whether my husband has taken another wife or not because he won't tell her so it's become quite a disturbance in his family, when the matter is brought up. I also found another case today where a Saudi husband is being pressured by his first saudi wife to divorce the second foreign revert sister. They have been married for quite a while and the marriage was stable up until now but if this foreign sister was an arab, I understand that there is no way this man can get away with this attitude, why is there so less commitment with us foreign women? I just don't know what is going on in the minds of these people. Since you are an arab, do you have any insight into the male arab psyche? which country do you live in? how are the teachings relayed to the community in your region? I think us foreign revert sisters do make it too easy for these men, we don't request large dowries and they seem less committed to us than they do their arab sisters. I really appreciate your opinions, if you can add anything further I hope I will find some answers one day. salam Kattie |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| Caraj |
| 02/06/05 at 08:52:34 |
| Angelic I'm sorry you have to deal with such issues. I pray you will be given the strength and wisdom to deal with your situation. I am curious and thought this post would be a great place of learning for other sisters. As to a man taking another wife I have heard two things and still do not know which is true. 1) A man should only take another wife for certain reasons 2) It is his right and he needs no specific reason. Which is true? Also what are the requirements for a man to have more than one wife? What are his obligations and what are the rights of the wives? Remember this Sister, a man be him Muslim or not. Have him one wife or a few. If his character is poor and he does not live up to his obligations and commitments he will have to answer to the Almighty for this. Many men with only one wife do not treat their wives right and also dump them at will. Yes it may be his right, but with rights come responsabilities. Do your best and if it is meant for you not to be married to this man accept it as a test or a lesson. You are responsable for your role and not his. And visa versa. I know you are not asking advice so forgive me. I hope others will message you so that you do not feel alone and can talk amoung others dealing with such issues. |
| 02/06/05 at 17:31:40 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| Angelic |
| 02/06/05 at 17:13:15 |
| Salam Aziza [quote author=azizah link=board=madrasa;num=1107469744;start=0#9 date=02/06/05 at 08:52:34]As to a man taking another wife I have heard two things and still do not know which is true. 1) A man should only take another wife for certain reasons 2) It is his right and he needs no specific reason. Which is true? [/quote] Your point #1 is the closest to the truth, polygamy should be practiced for the welfare of society since the male is the natural guardian and provider for the women. It is said in the Quran to marry 2, 3 or 4 but if you can't deal justly then only marry 1. So you can see that this right wasn't given without conditions, it's like having children, you have the right to have children but you have responsibilities towards them (of course these days many couples don't even do that for their children). What I'm trying to say is that the right and the responsibility are one package, not 2; you can't have one without the other, so in respect to your #2 point, it is not correct to say that man has the right, he first must have the ability and necessary provisions before he is given that right. Each marriage is legally binding, involving same rights and responsibilities and obligations as the first marriage. There is a hadith that says "whoever has 2 wives and leans unduly to one of them will come on the Day of Judgement with half of his body leaning". If man only had the right, that would put the woman in a state of unprotection in my opinion. As for the reasons, it should be understood that whatever reason you marry 2,3 or 4, it's for the welfare of the society. In the Prophet's (pbuh) time it was due to the women out numbering the men as a result of war which left many women and families without a guardian. Also back in those times they married to strengthen the bond between clans, in some countries this is still a reason for marriage today. Other reasons which may apply to today's times include: the man may be married to a barren women so he choses another to have children; it could also be that he desires another wife and no children so he seeks another wife who is barren and who has not found a suitable husband and therefore has no guardian. Primary reason should be to fulfil his role as guardian and provider and protector of women whatever the circumstance is of the woman. I hope I helped to answer some of your questions. All that being said, like Salem said it seems many men of middle eastern background fear their familes/clans instead of Allah. Because us foreign reverts are not of the same culture and do not have the same support, it is much easier for the man to take advantage of us and be less committed. Why this is so? I'm still trying to find the reason why. salam Angelic |
| 02/06/05 at 17:24:40 |
| Angelic |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| sal |
| 02/07/05 at 04:41:23 |
| Assalam Allaikum sis Angelic As you said [Quote]I also found another case today where a Saudi husband is being pressured by his first saudi wife to divorce the second foreign revert sister[/quote] Because he also must have married her under pressure by his clan. Some families prefer select the wife for their son. This is not bad if their role ends only on the choice but they give themselves the right to interfere in everything ,so most of the time what happens is opposite to what you said. family of the husband press the man to divorce her because she is not as they wanted her be This kind of problems actually doesn’t happen in the righteous or educated families .so this is I think an important factor (education) there are bad customs which is against the Islam teaching some people are using on their activities without being aware they are committing sins just for the dark traditions similar to the JAHILIYAH(ANCIENT TIME OF IGNORANCE) It doesn’t seem any strange thing amongst themselves as an adapted culture when the case is between themselves and this is the point I think we need to stop at a little The husband has to know from what kind of family he is from before involving a foreign wife to such complicated culture (also anti islam) He also has to know his right to be independent from clan influence over his personal activities (which is his right in islam ) If these factors are missing in the husbands agenda, its his mistake to try to marry before he is qualified for this and not only the family are complicated or lacking education but he is as well In this case if such a man is the husband we are talking about then he must have married a foreign woman with out knowing why ? And If a person is not able to answer why ?he will not know how ? so he will not know how protect her since there is no strong based preparation from the beginning And that is the answer for your question here in below [Quote]I understand that there is no way this man can get away with this attitude, why is there so less commitment with us foreign women? [/quote] We need more education to avoid such corruption |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| Angelic |
| 02/09/05 at 04:41:27 |
| assalamu alaykum Salem Thank you again for your very insightful reply. It`s been a true blessing to hear the arab perspective. Although my husband is Egyptian, I do remember him saying once that all his family have married within the family and they didn`t seem to welcome his choice when he decided to look for a revert sister, although I have never met his family, maybe the reasons you have mentioned have given me an idea why and perhaps he was trying to protect me but at the same time, he hasn`t committed himself to me. Could that possibly be because he can`t face up to his mistake? so rather than discussing things with me head on he treats me like I am in exile. It seems very typical in arab culture to avoid the problems until all hell breaks lose (if you know what I mean). For example in another situation I know of, a Saudi man came to the usa and married a revert sister, again for reasons that his family remained in KSA. This man`s family were very unaware that he took another wife, when his kids came to the USA for a visit, they were the ones who went back home and told their mother, not the husband. What a way to find out? I know this trait can be found in many men of non-arabian cultures but I`m not talking about them here anyway. salam Angelic |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| Caraj |
| 02/09/05 at 05:53:57 |
| Now, I sure hope this doesn't sound to critical. I surely don't mean to offend. And the word 'YOU' is not toward the sister who started this post, it is meant as to anyone reading this post. But what the heck are women marrying men whose families they have not met or at the least not talked to on the phone? And if you're going to be s co-wife, why the heck have you not asked to meet or talk with the other wife? I mean, we can blame the other partner (hubby) all we want, But when do we take responsability for not checking things out before we say I DO? I personally would not even think of being a co-wife or the wife of a man in another country unless I met with his wife to make sure this would not hurt her. Nor if I had not met or talked with his family. Again, I don't mean to sound critical, but one needs to take some of the responsability on themselves. Knowing there is a chance your body is just being used for temporary pleasure cause his first family was unable to come to your country, Should one not respect themselves and their bodies against such abuse. A man with dishonorable intentions? Think about if you were wife #1, you have no idea what the women is like and if you'd even want your kids around her. If I was in that situation I would respect the woman who was considering being a co-wife for talking to me. And if the prospective hubby says no, or makes excuses to me this would be huge RED FLAGS of warning to me. Think about it, this wife #1 is your sister in Islam, would you want to be in her shoes of not knowing? Not being respected enough to be asked? Do you want to be with a man who hides the truth? My question to the co-wives would be why would you marry a man whose family you have not met or talked to? Didn't the excuses make you wonder or feel more cautious? Forgive me if I sound critical. I do not mean to but these things are what crosses my mind. Lastly, if a man has excuses why his family and wife do not know about prospective wife number #2, would you not wonder, OK If this man has secrets from his wife and family, what kinds of secrets will he keep from me?? To me this is not only red warning flags but it is also those huge bright flashing red lights one sees at railroad crossings. |
| 02/09/05 at 06:06:49 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| Laila_Y_A |
| 02/09/05 at 10:51:39 |
| :o Azizah- you really need to stop reading my mind- one of us might get hurt! :P I fully agree though with what you said. Would you buy a used car without checking all details? They even have a special service that checks the"background" of used cars. I think it behooves any woman who has been approached as a co-wife to get all the pertinent details, meet the 1st wife, his and possibly HER family, and any kids there might be. After all, extended family means just that-- FAMILY! If he won't share them, so-to-speak, then he may not be the type of Muslim you want as spouse, even if you were to be 1st wife! I need a diet [] ::) :-) Laila |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| Angelic |
| 02/10/05 at 01:44:40 |
| assalam alaykum I can`t answer all your questions@but it is not a requirement for the man to seek approval or even let the first wive know he is marrying 2nd, 3rd or 4th. Even saying this, if he truly respects her and loves her then he would tell her. This is the opinion of the scholars. This has been a pet argument of mine because from another perspective it is encouraging the man to be insincere and lie to his first wife when he cannot be truthful about his movements. I agree about the points you made about meeting the family before hand, unfortunately that is a mistake that many of us in this situation have made and I encourage any sister who is going to marry as a co-wife to be assertive and meet the family before marriage. However bearing in mind, he doesn`t even have to tell them of his intentions to marry another, this makes meeting them all the more difficult. In my situation, I pressed dh to introduce me to his family, when we were all in Cairo last year I had brought gifts for my co-wife and the children, however, I heard excuse after excuse after excuse and in the end I didn`t meet them, when I asked what was I now going to do with all the gifts I had brought, dh said he didn`t care about the gifts....... The fact is, is that a polygamous marriage is considered completely seperate and unique from the first, 2nd, third and 4th wife. As long as the husband provides equally and treats everyone fairly and adheres to the Quran and Sunnah, the wives don`t even have to know of each other`s existance that is why it is recommended only 1 if the man doesn`t think he can be just. Even the Prophet (PBUH) could not always respond fairly with all his wives (so I hve been told) so that tells you that the average man couldn`t possibly be better than the Prophet and therefore that is why the revelation recommends one wife. Again it is not a requirement for all the wives and the children to be one big happy family, that is providing the husband provides equally and fairly, and I don`t think a sister can take any blame when she is afflicted with problems that don`t concern her but are due to the husband`s insincerity with his other wives. My husband is committed to his first wife and family 100% but he has no commitment to me, I don`t think I can be blamed for his actions, it`s not his other wife and his family who are responsiblefor my welfare, it is him and it is up to him to respond dutifully to me not his family. The same goes for any other sister who is on the wrong end of the stick due to how the husband has been handling his affairs with the other wife. Sorry if this sounds wishy washy, I`m in an internet cafe because I recently just travelled back to Japan for a while. How many revert sister`s on this board have actually investigated the husband`s family before they married? (even for a monogamous marriage) For many of us reverts we have married a man who is of a different nationality where perhaps all his family are residing in another country for example so it`s impossible for any of us to to meet the family, polygamous marriages are no different. salam Angelic |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| muslimah853 |
| 02/10/05 at 12:53:17 |
| [slm] I don't mean to sound harsh about this, and I don't mean to offend anyone, but I seriously question the maturity of any man who would marry another woman without even informing his first wife. Spouses are supposed to be 'garments' for each other, as indicated in the Qur'an, and if a man doesn't have the decency to be completely open with the woman he is supposedly committed to sharing his life with, then something is seriously wrong. The whole point of having witnesses to a nikah is so that the union is public knowledge, so that people are open and upfront about these things. So what kind of sense does it make to go and hide it from the person who will be affected most? And let's be real, if he not only keeps it from her beforehand, but continues to do so after he has married another, somewhere down the line he is going to have to lie and/or be less than upfront about his whereabouts, money, or other things. Discussions about the permissiveness of contracting a second marriage without the first wife's knowledge aside, we all agree that lying and deception are haram. And speaking of rights. A man may have the 'right' to enter into a second marriage, but no one, including the woman, can be forced to be in a marital situation that they don't consent to. A husband may have the 'right' to a second wife (and I would argue against the use of that particular word), but there is nothing saying that the first wife is some non-entity whose feelings and wishes don't matter. No one who is supposed to be a 'care-taker' would believe that it is okay to completey disregard those under their care. No one has the right to a spouse. We have, as Muslims, a right to zakat if we're indigent, a right to an Islamic burial, etc. But marriage is a privelege. *If* one can meet the conditions, then... It is really infuriating to hear people speak of this, without regards to the absolute need for even basic common courtesy. This is unacceptable, and un-Islamic. |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| Mona |
| 02/10/05 at 16:56:25 |
| [slm] subhana Allah, i am a little concerned how the tone of the posts is getting too strong. please refer to the initial question by sister angelic ... thank you all. take care wassalam mona |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| Caraj |
| 02/10/05 at 17:39:22 |
| Forgive me if I am one doing this, I don't mean to offend. But there comes a time when one cannot keep blaming the men folks. And take part of the responsability for their part of the marriage decision. Sister Angelic, I feel for you, as a woman who has experienced unkindness in marriage and a broken marriage my heart goes out to you. I pray you will be given the strength to deal with this matter and also find other sisters who can share your hardship and thus all being a support system for one another. One can truly not understand anothers pain until they have walked in that persons shoes. Maybe this is a test or character builder and you can counsel other women in the future who are about to or considering being a co-wife. Turn it to good for Allahs sake. You are in my thoughts and prayers. (((((((((Sisterly Hugs to you)))))))))) :-) |
| 02/10/05 at 17:41:18 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| Angelic |
| 02/12/05 at 03:50:42 |
| assalamu alaykum I`m a put off by the comments about the sisters being blamed for the behaviour of the husband, this is not the topic of my thread. I certainly wasn`t indicating blame I am trying to seek some understanding and find rationale behind the differences of thinking so that I can put my own situation into a better perspective. Thank you for your contributions. Angelic |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| Caraj |
| 02/12/05 at 06:42:50 |
| Yes, this did branch off in a couple of sub-topics didn't it? Forgive me if I offended you. I am not blaming you for your husbands behavior and I did not mean to come across as such. His behavior as you explain it is in-excuseable. I just wish women considering being a co-wife would be more careful. I am not against being a co-wife at all. This is my final post in this matter cause it did branch off and I don't want to offend or make you feel put off, again I pray things will be easier for you and you are able to find the perspective you need. I cannot truly understand cause I have not been there. |
| 02/12/05 at 06:44:49 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| Ameera15 |
| 02/12/05 at 19:31:35 |
| [slm] Dear sister Angelic, I think you are very brave, because you had desided to become second wife. I, personaly can't even imagane to enter in such kind of marriage. But i deeply respect the sisters, who have the courage and strength to make it happend. Bravo! I hope the things that disturb you in your married life will go away and I ask Allah to shower you and your family with his numerious blessings! [wlm] |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| sebahado |
| 02/14/05 at 14:01:03 |
| [slm] Sorry, don't know if this was asked before in this thread, but, who ever said it was obligotary on a Muslim man to have more than one wife? This is only a sunnah of our Beloved Prophet [saw] and only those that are able to do it should. When I say being able to do it, this means having the financial ability to provide for each wife equally and to also treat them equally. Which Muslim woman will want to be treated a seconds? [wlm] |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| Angelic |
| 02/16/05 at 02:26:44 |
| walaikum salam My topic was not intended to debate whether polygamy is obligatory or not. What is central to my discussion is the treatment of foreign revert sisters who marry into a polygamous marriage where the husband is of arab background and the problems that have arisen due to cultural factors. It seems my thread has digressed away from my intentions so I won`t be continuing it. Thanks to all those who made positive contributions. Angelic [quote author=sebahado link=board=madrasa;num=1107469744;start=20#22 date=02/14/05 at 14:01:03] [slm] Sorry, don't know if this was asked before in this thread, but, who ever said it was obligotary on a Muslim man to have more than one wife? This is only a sunnah of our Beloved Prophet [saw] and only those that are able to do it should. When I say being able to do it, this means having the financial ability to provide for each wife equally and to also treat them equally. Which Muslim woman will want to be treated a seconds? [wlm][/quote] |
| Re: Polygamy |
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| sisterhood |
| 02/17/05 at 08:03:40 |
| [slm] wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu, I am married to a suadi man. I am American and the second wife. In the begining she was not happy at all and tried to put pressure on him to divorce me, had someone call me to convice me to divorce him and not to move to suadi and even tried to slow down my visa proccess. It has been four years and three of them is Saudi and alhumdolillah all is well but it would not have been if the man I choose to marry was not a knowledgable religous man who know his obligations to both wives. I think that most men who take seconds wife have little or no knowledge of religion and act only upon a whim or culture. These things plus an angry first wife and possible her family and his family as well he is not really commited to the first wife but is rather scared of what may happen and as a result may treat second wife differnetly not that that makes it ok just what I see happening and another thing is it is a mistake in thinking that this doesn't happen to arab women as well. I have seen some arabs that hold culture to be more impotant then religion and they come to worship culture and fear the people more then Allah and fear what will happen if they go against the culture. In some arab countrries among the less knowlegable people culture is sacride and this is wear a lot of problems happen pertaining to polygyny. I think before any women no matter her nationality should look at the man very carefully beofre married and even more so if she is to be the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th, She should know if he can handle the pressure from family his and hers and from her and if he has the ability to be fair and I think alot of women find them selfs in this position after marraige because they didn't look in to the whether or not the man could and knew how to deal justly between two women and wether or not he was knowledable of the Quran and sunnah on his obligations in polygyny. Just my two cents......take care all :D Fee aman Allah, Amena |
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