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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Kathy Help!!Need qts list for prospective co-wives |
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| Caraj |
| 02/09/05 at 15:46:05 |
| Momma Mod and anyone else interested. Kathy has a wonderful 100 questions to ask a prospective husband/wife. Many of you have seen it posted. What about a 2nd questionaire (suppliment) for anyone considering being a co-wife? This idea was after reading sister Angelics post. Let the questioning begin? #1) Why do you wish to have another wife? #2) Have you talked to your family and wife about this? (If yes what was their reaction and feelings on the matter?) If answer is no, then WHY NOT? And when do you plan on talking to them? #3) When can I meet your wife and family? #4) If he has children, What effect do you think this will have on your children? #5) How do you think this will effect your relationship with your children, current wife and yours and her family? Next? |
| 02/09/05 at 17:33:30 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Kathy Help!!Need qts list for prospective co-w |
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| Laila_Y_A |
| 02/10/05 at 02:31:33 |
| :'( I thought you were wanting a list of women who would want to be a co-wife :-[ .... was gonna put my name in the pot! ;D Silly me! ;) :-) Laila |
| Re: Kathy Help!!Need qts list for prospective co-w |
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| Trustworthy |
| 02/11/05 at 02:31:23 |
| [slm]... True story. My grandpa married 4 times and I think he had 2 at the sme time once which was my grandma, Mom's mom, and Mom tells me hilarious (not really, they were cruel) of how she (Mom) would be making it really difficult for the other wife or wives of her dad. She would play cruel jokes on them, make them angry, make them cry and even make her father cry. So yeah...make sure he does not have children if you decide to become a second wife or you'll have to handle soemone like my Mom. But though grandma did not like the idea and I don't think she agreed, she kept her silence. I think it was because Mom just did it all. Ma-assalaamah.... |
| Re: Kathy Help!!Need qts list for prospective co-w |
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| Kathy |
| 02/11/05 at 19:48:52 |
| [slm] I have been thinking alot about your question. I think the 100 questions cover it, plus the few additional ones posted here. Taking an unusal stance.... If it was me, an older woman, about to become a 2nd wife and not really knowing the dynamics of his relationship with his wife and family and the incredible strain they may put on him to divorce me... yes all ifs.... I think I would ask for a hefty Mahr... minimum- a years living expenses. Normally I don't advocate a huge amount, but in this case I would. This applies to me, an American woman who is not adverse to working to survive. (However I am dead set against working) If the soon to be wed wife is not able to provide for herself in the event of a divorce, the price should be much higher. |
| Re: Kathy Help!!Need qts list for prospective co-w |
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| Caraj |
| 02/11/05 at 20:42:25 |
| Yes Kathy but this was for the younger sisters here. You and I are older and (hopefully) wiser. We have raised children, been married before. We know (or should by now hehe) what we want, what we will accept, what we won't accept and we recognise red flags and lies a man might make. I was doing this in hopes it will help our younger sisters. Can you post a link here to your 100 questions, or paste and copy here. I am so impressed with them and feel they are a great benefit. We have so many new members who may not of been there last time they were posted. |
| Re: Kathy Help!!Need qts list for prospective co-w |
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| Kathy |
| 02/12/05 at 13:55:06 |
| [slm] The list is not mine, just one i have compiled from many sources: Questions to ask a prospective husband Madinat Al-Muslimeen's Version: 100 Premarital Questions 1) What is your concept of marriage? 2) Have you been married before? 3) Are you married now? 4) What are you expectations of marriage? 5) What are your goals in life? (long and short term) 6) Identify three things that you want to accomplish in the near future. 7) Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long term. 8) Why have you chosen me/other person as a potential spouse? 9) What is the role of religion in your life now? 10) Are you a spiritual person? 11) What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage? 12) What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously? 13) What is your relationship between yourself and the Muslims community in your area? 14) Are you volunteering in any Islamic activities? 15) What can you offer your zawj (spouse), spiritually? 16) What is the role of the husband? 17) What is the role of the wife? 18) Do you want to practice polygamy? 19) What is your relationship with your family? 20) What do you expect your relationship with the family of your spouse to be? 21) What do you expect your spouses relationship with your family to be? 22) Is there anyone in your family living with you now? 23) Are you planning to have anyone in your family live with you in the future? 24) If, for any reason, my relationship with your family turns sour, what should be done? 25) Who are your friends? (Identify at least three.) 26) How did you get to know them? 27) Why are they your friends? 28) What do you like most about them? 29) What will your relationship with them after marriage be? 30) Do you have friends of the opposite sex? 31) What is the level of your relationship with them now? 32) What will be the level of your relationship with them after marriage? 33) What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends? 34) What are the things that you do in your free time? 35) Do you love to have guests in your home for entertainment? 36) What are you expecting from your spouse when your friends come to the house? 37) What is your opinion of speaking other languages in home that I do not understand? (with friends or family) 38) Do you travel? 39) How do you spend your vacations? 40) How do you think your spouse should spend vacations? 41) Do you read? 42) What do you read? 43) After marriage, do you think that you are one to express romantic feelings verbally? 44) After marriage, do you think that you want to express affection in public? 45) How do you express your admiration for someone that you know now? 46) How do you express your feelings to someone who has done a favor for you? 47) Do you like to write your feelings? 48) If you wrong someone, how do you apologize? 49) If someone has wronged you, how do you want (s)he to apologize to you? 50) How much time passes before you can forgive someone? 51) How do you make important and less important decisions in your life? 52) Do you use foul language at home? In public? With family? 53) Do your friends use foul language? 54) Does your family use foul language? 55) How do you express anger? 56) How do you expect your spouse to express anger? 57) What do you do when you are angry? 58) When do you think it is appropriate to initiate mediation in marriage? 59) When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise, how should the conflict get resolved? 60) Define mental, verbal, emotional and physical abuse. 61) What would you do if you felt that you had been abused? 62) Who would you call for assistance if you were being abused? 63) Do you suffer from any chronic disease or condition? 64) Are you willing to take a physical exam by a physician before marriage? 65) What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition? 66) How do you support your own health and nutrition? 67) What is you definition of wealth? 68) How do you spend money? 69) How do you save money? 70) How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage? 71) Do you have any debts now? If so, how are you making progress to eliminate them? 72) Do you use credit cards? 73) Do you support the idea of taking loans to buy a new home? 74) What are you expecting from your spouse financially? 75) What is your financial responsibility in the marriage? 76) Do you support the idea of a working wife? 77) If so, how do you think a dual-income family should manage funds? 78) Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances? 79) Who are the people to whom you are financially responsible? 80) Do you support the idea of utilizing baby sitters and/or maids? 81) Do you want to have children? If not, how come? 82) To the best of your understanding, are you able to have children? 83) Do you want to have children in the first two years of marriage? If not, when? 84) Do you believe in abortion? 85) Do you have children now? 86) What is your relationship with your children now? 87) What is your relationship with their other parent? 88) What relationship do you expect your spouse to have with your children and their parent? 89) What is the best method(s) of raising children? 90) What is the best method(s) of disciplining children? 91) How were you raised? 92) How were you disciplined? 93) Do you believe in spanking children? Under what circumstances? 94) Do you believe in public school for your children? 95) Do you believe in Islamic school for your children? 96) Do you believe in home schooling for your children? 97) What type of relationship should your children have with non-Muslim classmates/friends? 98) Would you send your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or country? 99) What type of relationship do you want your children to have with all their grandparents? 100) If there are members of my family that are not Muslim, that are of different race or culture, what type of relationship do you want to have with them? Questions Women WISH they could really ask : 1. If u came home from work and there was no food and just a note that said 'salam honey i went to the halaqa at the mosque' how would u feel? 2. Are you pro PDA or anti PDA? 3. How much of a mama's boy are u? 4. Do you plan on changing me after marriage? If so, what aspects? 5. What kind of gifts would u get your wife? If any? 6. Are u unreasonably jealous? 7. Are u into the traditional role of the wife? 8. Would u be actively involved in raising the kids? 9. Are u a compassionate, romantic, kind person? 10. How many nights a week will u cook dinner? ?Men’s 1) Can I see your room...particularly your bathroom?. (I.e. are you clean or a slob...) (2) Are you organized or scatterbrained? (My mom ranks this kind of question quite highly as she says girls haveto be quite organized to run a household.) (3) (A real wierd one) Do you walk into the bathroom barefoot? (Another cleanliness question.-- barefootitis is so --urrr -- gross....) (4) Do you consider yourself smart or stupid or typical? (Some guys (like me) are so stupid that they desperatelyneed someone intelligent to make up for their idiocy. But i guess a person who said they were smart wouldprobably be full of themself......well i donno know....?) (5) Do you like sports? NFL? --Anybody who can watch 2 NFL games on sunday afternoon and be eager to watch Monday Night Football on Monday has got to be a major league timewaster and bum , but nevertheless a very coolgirl. And any girl who actually understands American football is a genius....I mean I've been watching it since Iwas like 5....and I still don't really understand it. (6) Are you clingy or independent? -- Independent people are soooo much cooler (7) What did you think of the Matrix (the first one)? -- The Matrix was the coolest movie ever. Anybody not appreciating that is a bit odd (8) Are you an avid music fan? Music is a very dangerous thing (mostly) -- it has its uses -- but in england we havethis phenom of hijabi sisters addicted to MTV which is kind of odd and funny.....and not a very good thing (9) My Mum comes to stay....will you kick her out? (10) My Bro and sis crash at my place.....do you kick me out? (11) Like traveling? Arggggh --- i hate it. Girls who like traveling should sign up for the Peace Corr (12) Will you spend all of my money and then kick me out after I run out of it? (13) What do you think of divorce? What probationary period will you give a guy before you dump him? Twohours? 24 hours? 48 hours? 7 days? A month? 3 years? (14) Ever had a b-friend? (Touchy issue for some...) (15) Ever taken Prozac or similar stuff? (This Q is a killer) (16) Do you experience serious mood swings? (This is the really scary thing about girls.....why can't girls be more like guys?) (17) How much money do you make if any? (Ok...this is a joke...but anybody who makes lots more money than theguy is really cool....but then again they might.....like walk all over the guy all the time........) (18) Do you like bathroom jokes? (I.e are you too serious?) (19) Religious type like questions....what do wanna do in life.....what is your purpose o life....stuff like that.... (20) Kids? (Argh....I'm too young to think about these things....) and lastly.... (21) Ever been arrested for physical assault on a guy? When choosing a partner, there are numerous issues which may lead to friction and conflict. Following the principle that prevention is better than cure, it seems wise to air these issues before a match is finalized. Some of the issues may appear trivial or mundane, but the stuff of everyday life is also the stuff of arguments! Other issues are more serious, and may be indicative of the potential for a stormy and abusive marriage. Each marriage will have its ups and downs, but settling some of these matters may avoid the emergence of major, insoluble problems and consequent heartbreak. These are all questions that may be asked directly or else "researched" by observation, asking his relatives, members of the community, etc. The prospective bride may ask some of these questions when the couple meet, but many women may feel too shy to ask outright. Family or friends can also help with the research - in many Muslim countries, relatives of prospective partners often visit to check the person out! Asking/answering such questions is not gheebah or backbiting, and people should not hesitate to tell the truth when it concerns a possible marriage; the intent is to establish whether these two people are compatible. Avoiding a poor match will save all concerned from much heartache. At the same time, whether the marriage proceeds or not, any information thus gathered should be kept confidential - any "faults" uncovered should not be generally broadcast in the community! These suggested questions are derived from two sources: an article entititled "Spousal Abuse and its Prevention" by Br. Abdul Rehman in Islamic Sisters International, and the feedback I received during a workshop I led on "Choosing a Marriage Partner" at the ISSRA Conference on Health and Social Issues, Toronto, May 25, 1996. The Big Issues: (1) What makes him angry and how does he deal with his anger? Does he blame everybody but himself? Does he stop talking to the person involved? Does he bear grudges ("I'll get him back one day!") Has he ever physically or mentally abused anyone with whom he was angry? Does he get angry when those who may be wiser disagree or suggest an alternative point of view? Does he ever forgive those with whom he was angry? (2) How does he behave during a crisis? Does he blame everyone except himself? Does he become hostile towards an uninvolved member of an ethnic group which is known to abuse followers of Islam? What steps does he take to face and deal with pressure? Does he remain optimistic that things will get better, and that after every difficulty comes ease? (3) How does he feel about women's rights in a Muslim home? Did he ever observe abuse from his father towards his mother? Did he ever act to prevent abuse at home? How? Did he believe that his father was always right? Does he believe that all women deserve abuse? How does he make decisions? Does he rely on his own wisdom? Does he consult with close friends? Will he be willing to consult with his spouse on any decision? Does he stick firmly to his decisions? (4) How does he deal with money matters? Does he save his money for the future? Does he give money to charities? When he decides to buy something, will he consult his spouse in making the decision? How does he describe his own spending and attitude towards money? (5) What does he expect from his wife and children? How would he react if his expectations are not met? What is his vision of family life? Would he pitch in and co-operate in family chores and the upbringing of children? Would he be willing to change to accommodate your views? (6) What are his family like? Are his family religious, or will you be the only one in hijab? Does their approach to Islam differ from yours - will you be the only "fundamentalists" in a family whose Islam is more "traditional"? If this is a mixed match, are his folks open to outsiders, or will you face clannishness and exclusion? (7) What is his medical background? (Many Imams in the US are now refusing to conduct Nikah until they see proof that the couple have undergone blood tests and been given a clean bill of health) Has he ever had an AIDS test, and what was the result? Is there any history of major illness in his family? (8) What are his views on education of women and children? Will he allow you to continue and/or return to education? What are his views on education and schooling of children? If you have strong views on Islamic schools, home schooling, etc., find out if his views coincide with yours. Will he take part in the children's upbringing and education? Will he teach them Qur'an? (9) Where does he want to live? Does he want to settle in the country where you now live? Does he want to return to his homeland? Does he want to move to a new country altogether? Will the family have to move frequently because of his profession? Will he take your feelings into account when deciding where to live? Does he aspire to a large and luxurious home, or will he settle for less? Does he want to live in the heart of the city, in the suburbs, or in an isolated rural setting? Day-to-day matters Some of these are individual preferences - what may deeply concern some may not even be an issue to others, but if you have some strong feelings on a matter, it is better to get it out into the open before you make a commitment: (1) Food: Do you agree on the "halal meat" issue - some people will only eat halal-slaughtered meat, whilst others will eat any "meat of the Jews and Christians" as long as it's not pork. Does he insist on only eating the food of his own ethnic group, or are his tastes more eclectic? Will he insist on having every meal cooked from scratch, or will you be able to have convenience food or take-away on busy days? Does he have some strong preferences for meat, or will you "go vegetarian" some days? (2) Smoking: Does he smoke? Do any of his family or friends smoke? Will he let people smoke in your non- smoking home? (3) Going Out:8br>How does he feel about women going outside the home? studying outside? working outside? Will he want to "check out" your friends and only let you visit those of whom he approves? How does he feel about women driving? (4) Pets: Are either of you very keen to keep pets at home? Do either of you have any allergies, dislikes, or phobias when it comes to animals? |
| 02/12/05 at 13:55:52 |
| Kathy |
| Re: Kathy Help!!Need qts list for prospective co-w |
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| Fozia |
| 02/12/05 at 17:36:32 |
| [slm] Does the potential spouse have to answer these questions all in one sitting?? Wassalaam |
| Re: Kathy Help!!Need qts list for prospective co-w |
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| Caraj |
| 02/12/05 at 18:56:38 |
| [quote author=Fozia link=board=sis;num=1107981966;start=0#6 date=02/12/05 at 17:36:32] [slm] Does the potential spouse have to answer these questions all in one sitting?? Wassalaam[/quote] Nawwww not in one sitting, hand him the questionaire and 2 pens and extra paper and say 'C-Ya in a week or two. Looking forward to reading your answers' ;D True story, a brother (not a member of this board) asked me to asist him in finding a wife last year. I felt it was better if another brother assisted him and refered him to someone else, however before passing him on I sent him these questions Kathy had posted prior. He complained it was to much and to hard. And never did get them back to me or the other brother. Now Sisters..........That is what we call a red flag If a brother does that say BYE |
| 02/12/05 at 18:57:42 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Kathy Help!!Need qts list for prospective co-w |
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| labeeb |
| 02/12/05 at 23:13:06 |
| [slm] All, I guess, it is really intimidating at first sight. Dont know if one sits down and relax it may not be too hard to answer to a prospective wife (after all that is a good motivation) but then it begs the question - how does one verify the authenticity of answers if you are giving one week of time. Is this just the screening and there are other kind of tests that sisters have like 'okay, you got 20 minutes to cook one sumptuous meal for 4 - your prospective wife, her parents, and her distant aunt who has come down with lots of other 'rishtey' for the lady ;)' and here 'go change the air filter of the car, we want to see if you can be helpful' etc. On a serious note I guess some of the questions are more of seeing if the person is compatible or not. But, then who is the judge/examiner here. I mean (Muslim) people are of all sorts. Some like to go to halqa some are satisfied with prayer and some go just for juma'. Asking a question like this assumes the sister does enjoy participating in all Islamic activities that may not be true for so many. Take care and salam your bro in Islam, labeeb :) |
| Re: Kathy Help!!Need qts list for prospective co-w |
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| MIT |
| 02/13/05 at 08:05:57 |
| assalaamu alaikum You expected a brother to sit down and write the answers to 100 questions? [sigh] you sisters just can't work brothers out.* There are so many good brothers that i know who would balk at having to answer 100 questions. Yeah, a girl might be nice. But if you barely know her, is it worth answering 100 questions over? Forget it. A brother might go to a marriage interview, and there are 10 things, perhaps a bit more, that he wants to know about the girl, and he'll make the decision based on those, insha'Allah. Brothers will make the decision a bit more quickly. And conversely, they don't want to spend hours and hours poring over these questions. Those questions would take over a month to answer (and most likely two) - and hands up those brothers who are going to go through that. The only time i would suggest that sisters should hand the brother 100 questions to answer is when she feels that she don't want to get married to the dude sitting in front of her. She should hand him over the questions and that will signal a red flag to him, and he'll move on. If a sister is interested, she should choose about 20 max. wa alaikum us-salaam * That goes the other way too. [quote author=azizah link=board=sis;num=1107981966;start=0#7 date=02/12/05 at 18:56:38] Nawwww not in one sitting, hand him the questionaire and 2 pens and extra paper and say 'C-Ya in a week or two. Looking forward to reading your answers' ;D True story, a brother (not a member of this board) asked me to asist him in finding a wife last year. I felt it was better if another brother assisted him and refered him to someone else, however before passing him on I sent him these questions Kathy had posted prior. He complained it was to much and to hard. And never did get them back to me or the other brother. Now Sisters..........That is what we call a red flag If a brother does that say BYE [/quote] |
| NS |
| 02/13/05 at 08:10:51 |
| MIT |
| Re: Kathy Help!!Need qts list for prospective co-w |
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| Caraj |
| 02/13/05 at 15:53:06 |
| Bro Mit, Sorry to see you feel this way as anything 'good' worth having is surely worth the effort. One cannot go to college unless they have successfully completed the lower grades. Thus years of hard work and study. One cannot build a home that will stand the test of time unless there is a sturdy foundation. One cannot bake a cake and leave out the eggs and other items. One cannot find great treasures in the sea without time to find it, hard sailings and diving depths of the ocean. Is marriage (picking a lifes mate) not as important or more so than a home? As important or more so than an education? If a man can study years for a career and take the labor to build a sturdy foundation, travel and such, surely if he wishes to have compassion and understanding on a prospective wife he can take a few hours to answer some simple questions? Also keep in mind a man is looked at differently when marriage fails and can walk away from it much easier than a woman can. Is not a wonderful wife worh the efforts it takes to obtain her trust and consent? |
| Re: Kathy Help!!Need qts list for prospective co-w |
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| MIT |
| 02/13/05 at 18:27:03 |
| assalaamu alaikum I can understand where you're coming from, but you need to bear in mind the 'dynamics' of a Muslim courtship (for lack of a better term). Because there is no dating in Islam, and no drawn out getting to know each other, you're decision will be based on only a few meetings. Now lets say it doesn't work out with the sister, nor the second sister, or perhaps even the third, by the time that brother eventually finds Mrs Right, he may have answered 200 questions! But then he won't - because rare is that brother who will go through that. Trust me - a man just wants peace, and he will relatively quickly come to his conclusion as to whether this sister sitting in front of him can provide him with that. And being asked to answer 100 questions isn't peaceful - its stressful. And i consider that i took my decision on who to marry seriously. And my wife asked me about 15 questions, and alhumdulillah she is a perfect wife for me (and she just said to me that the opposite is also true - except for one or two minor details ;) ) and i'm not saying that just to score points because i know she visits this forum. Perhaps some other brothers might want to weigh in with their own thoughts. |
| Re: Kathy Help!!Need qts list for prospective co-w |
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| anon |
| 02/13/05 at 23:50:35 |
| [slm] Brother MIT, it doesn't have to be like an examination. The list of questions is just a list of things to discuss before making a decision. That means both parties sit togather and have their say on each question. I think the questions are really excellent because if you discuss all that with someone you would get to know them really well. By discuss I mean you give your opinions on each question and listen to the other persons opinions as well. I think discussing these questions can help in many ways including: 1) A lot of brothers want to just dive into marriage thinking it is all bliss. These questions can help a brother decide if he really wants to get married now or later. Very useful for all the college students who seem to have nothing better to do than discuss how n when they r going to get married. 2) Some brothers seem to start the whole proposal process for marriage just after seeing some pretty girl. These questions could help them get their priorities right and get them thinknig with a clear head. |
| Re: Kathy Help!!Need qts list for prospective co-w |
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| labeeb |
| 02/14/05 at 18:41:25 |
| [slm] Seems like there are some hilarious questions too in this list. Like these two: 60) Define mental, verbal, emotional and physical abuse. << Boy, is this an LLB exam ? 62) Who would you call for assistance if you were being abused? <<Let's see ;) here is my take ;) 60) Emotional: When you want to abuse someone, but have it hidden in your heart. Mental: Still hidden but you have planned for it mentally. Verbal: Now you have expressed it but not done yet. Physical: Act has been done. 62) Emotional: My mama. Mental: My sis. Verbal: My bro. Physical: My Doc. :) Take it easy sista and I guess I gotta run from the cafe ;) wasalaam labeeb [] |
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