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How can I marry a Christian or Jew?

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How can I marry a Christian or Jew?
Anonymous
02/09/05 at 18:28:37
Asalamu'alaikum everyone,

I am currently having a problem that deals with Marriage. I understand that Muslim men
are allowed to marry the people of the book (Muslims, Christians, Jews). Living in our
society here in America today, how can I marry a Christian or Jew? For example, in today's
society, it is impossible to marry someone without getting to know an immense amount of
information about that person. What i want to know is, if i were interested in marrying a
Christian woman, how could i go about doing so that wouldnt seem strange to her being that
i am a muslim and cannot become very intimate with her? am i allowed to spend an extended
amount of time with her to understand her more? Am i allowed to be alone with her for an
extended period of time if it is for the sole purpose of getting to know her goals, and
beliefs to see if she is suited for me? Does islam allow for people to meet for upwards of
about 2-3 years before marrying?

thanks, may Allah bless us all.
Re: How can I marry a Christian or Jew?
Caraj
02/09/05 at 20:58:03
Salaam Bro Anon,

I am pleasently surprised by your post and wish to reply.
1) I think any honorable woman from any religopus belief would
be thrilled to know you have honorable intentions, wish
to work withing the confines of your beliefs and are not trying to
be intimate outside of marriage. There are many dishonorable men
who want the milk but do not wish to buy the cow.
Here in the US I would think any women approached
with,
'I am considering marriage. I would like to get to know you, however due to my beliefs I do not wish to become intimate with
you nor be alone with you so we are not tempted. How about we start by visiting each other in the presence of our families and see if we are compatable? Is this ok with you?'

would be thrilled and honored and understanding and if she
isn't theres a clue that she is not the woman for you.

You can go to dinner at her families and she at yours.
That is one way to get to know a woman, help her dad with the
yard work, this way you get to talk and know him.
She can come over and cook with your mom or sister or aunties.
This way she can get to know you.

Invite her to your Mosque for a sisters class or gathering
not for conversion but so she can see what your beliefs are all about.
I have found the average american knows nothing of Islam
except what they hear from others or the media.

I would think (I would at least)
An honorable woman would not think it strange and
in American society be thrilled you are not just trying to get
in her pants. (sorry to sound crude, but this is how I see
70% or more of so called 'normal' American men.
02/09/05 at 21:00:56
Caraj
Re: How can I marry a Christian or Jew?
bhaloo
02/09/05 at 21:44:05
[slm]

Anonymous, why would you marry a non-Muslim woman to begin with when there are so many Muslim girls out there?  Because you are physically attracted to her, and want to get to know her better?  Aren't you concerned about the children and their religious upbringing?  Some scholars allow Muslim men to marry CHASTE (the key word here is, chaste, how many non-Muslims are chaste in this society?) women, even in a non-Muslim society (such as America), while other scholars say you must be living in an Islamic society.  It is very disappointing to see Muslim men think this way.

Islam is clear on the kind of wife you should be seeking. The
Prophet (s.a.w) said: "A woman may be married for four reasons:
for her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so
try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed." This
specifically defines  just what kind of a companion we are
seeking, for if we marry her for anything other than her
religious piety, our marriage is bound to fall into misery.

Check out this article here:
http://www.jannah.org/sisters/wifee.html

Re: How can I marry a Christian or Jew?
jannah
02/09/05 at 23:41:40
slm,

hmm interesting topic... i think there have been some very nice cases of Muslim men marrying non-Muslim women who later become Muslim, and they raise very beautiful God conscious children.

but for every one good ending i've seen so many bad endings... like breakups because of their religious differences eventually or problems with the children as bhaloo detailed...

the question that i wonder about is why would you like to seek out and marry specifically a christian or a jew?  (and please don't say to do dawah... you can do dawah without marrying a person)  there are many american muslims, and even especially converts that are available and have a very very difficult time getting married because they do not have extended families here.

so maybe think about considering them inshaAllah

Re: How can I marry a Christian or Jew?
timbuktu
02/10/05 at 07:16:26
[slm]

I try not to be judgmental, or to advise out of place, but here I do think marrying a Jewish or Christian woman means abandoning a muslim one as a potential wife, and risking the faith of your children to come. That , in my view, [i]is an infringement of the rights of Muslim women, and of your children (to be)[/i].

One should marry non-muslim women only when one himself has a very strong commitment and knowledge of Islam, and there are NO muslim women available to be one's wife, and preferably when one is living in a society that is laregly Islamic, or is heading towards one.

The Brithish sent some Baluch men with their camels to Australia, where they married Christian women. They made good money, and established mosques, but these mosques were abandoned because the children were brought up as Christians.

That to me is the ultimate crime: to abandon your children to be brought up outside of Islam.

When I was in the West I had decided that I was drifting away and getting integrated in such a fashion that the faith of my future children would be doubtful if I stayed in the West - (my failing, not necessarilly everyone else's).
Re: How can I marry a Christian or Jew?
sal
02/10/05 at 16:15:40
I have my own personal outlook over this issue
If we take it firmly as woman and man not allowed to be alone in isolated place this a kind of saving the muslem man from such religious mistakes whilst it’s a kind of throwing her to a man of the same faith where there is no any religious restrictions over such meeting  where we still blame both for this .Then the question is why to guilt such couple who are not aware of  this regulation (Islam) if we do not allow the other part (Muslem ) to take part

The muslem man to be a part can only be according to her style she used to but can avoid the meeting in lonely place and I think  this is not hard for both
I don’t see it bad to talk to a woman for some time according to her culture and faith  if this is meant for legal marriage at the end instead of leaving her alone for a man of the same religion who might commit other sins due to absence of prohibition over such deeds in that religion

It can be delayed to have children from non muslem mother if she is meant to become muslelm first .I think the living person (she) is more important to be given chance and help communicating with muslem  husband who can help her .why that unborn child to be given priority ?
I would try all those steps until I can judge she is not the right person or I don’t see any option a woman is to be wanted to be muslem unless she gets not open arms of muslems
Re: How can I marry a Christian or Jew?
Anonymous
02/10/05 at 17:02:02
Salam Alaikum,

But brother it is not correct thinking (in my limited understanding) to plan on courting
Christian/Jewish women when you have sooooo many Muslima around. It may make sense if you
were a stranger in a Christian/Jewish locality and there arent Muslims to be found. I
guess today Muslims are found in all nook and corner of the world, Alhumdulillah! What pulls
you toward them when you have a pious intention of marriage as you say. Why not go
approach a Muslim. I am sure if you make an effort you would find them (compatible to you) and
that would be good for you in this life and hereafter, inshaAllah!

wa-salam,
your bro in Islam.
Re: How can I marry a Christian or Jew?
Ameera15
02/10/05 at 18:21:48
In my case(and in few others I have withnessed) my husband married me while I still was a Christian, but he postponed to has kids with me(at that time I didn't know the reason for that). He started to talk with me about Islam and I watched him praying, fasting, etc. So, Allah guided me to the truth almoust 6 years after we married, Alhamdulillah! After that we had children and my husband explained to me that he waited so long, because he wanted his kids to grow up in purely Muslim envirounment.  I know that Allah showed me the light, but my husband was the reason for that to happend and I am forever thankfull to him for taking his chances with me. And just imagine the reward he is going to get, as I heard that if a Muslim guides just one person to Islam, he gets like red camels, which were of great value during the Rassulallah's time.(please, correct me for the Hadith, as I may got it wrong). Alhamdulillah for Islam.
Re: How can I marry a Christian or Jew?
amatullah
02/10/05 at 18:46:13
[wlm]
How can you  marry a christian or a jew? first good luck to find a church/synagogue that teaches only monotheism, because that is one of the conditions for a muslim man to marry a non-muslim girl. Then the next thing within that congregation you need to find a virgin. Yes that is also a condition in Islam if you were to marry a non-Muslim. So by that time they probably kicked you out for being strange anyway. In all seriousneness, go find yourself a nice Muslim girl who cares about your akhira and wants to help you get the most out of this life.

There are in fact some shcolars that say it is makrooh and even not allowed when so many Muslim girls are not married. This is not just a problem in the west but also in muslim countries. They say the sharee3a has exceptions depending on what is going on with the ummah. SO even in the west I see the girls who grew up here are in the masjid and the men want to go back home of their parents to find wives. Why? or else they want white sisters. NO offense obviously I like all my sisters but i think it is crazy this obsession of muslim guys. They mistrust the girls here, but they would marry a christian who has children?!

Sorry if i wasn't any help. I don't even know your reasons why you want a Christian or Jew for a wife.
Re: How can I marry a Christian or Jew?
timbuktu
02/11/05 at 07:49:33
[slm] brother Salem, I am sorry, but I think the problem of Muslim unmarried or single women is being disregarded, and that may be a reason some are turning to haraam relationships. I still think Muslim men should give preference to those born in Islam, rather than say they are doing dawah by marrying non-Muslim women.

Let me be blunt. There are Muslimahs here on this board and on others who are indeed knowledgeable, practice the deen, try to improve their understanding, and will make very good wives and mothers, yet they are single. They can't all come out and say: "hey guys, look at us, too. We also have need to be married", and since they can't say this, they are ignored.

Sometimes I wish I were younger and had many clones, or had many sons. It is wrong to have these Muslim women try to survive alone in this world.

and sister Ameera15, I am happy that you found Islam through your husband, and may Allah (swt) bring all to Islam, and improve us all in its knowledge and practice, but I am beginnig to see a trend of Muslimahs moving away from Islam because of lack of prospective Muslim husbands. Look at the post of siddiqui about a woman on the pill becoming pregnant with quadruplets. Her name, Suheyla, is a Muslim name, and she has a partner (not a husband), and he is obviously non-Muslim.
Re: How can I marry a Christian or Jew?
theOriginal
02/11/05 at 07:57:38
[slm]

So why is it that you're limiting your marriage search to Christian women?  

Or did I miss something?

Wasalaam.
Re: How can I marry a Christian or Jew?
timbuktu
02/12/05 at 00:39:28
[slm] a correction

[quote author=timbuktu link=board=madrasa;num=1107991717;start=0#9 date=02/11/05 at 07:49:33][slm] I still think Muslim men should give preference to those born in Islam, rather than say they are doing dawah by marrying non-Muslim women.[/quote]

"born in Islam" should read "already in Islam". my apologies to revert sisters for this slip.
Re: How can I marry a Christian or Jew?
sal
02/12/05 at 03:05:37
Bro Timbuktu I agree with you  but

I think the person is not interested in the religion of the chirstian or jew or as for the sake of dawa as some of the brothers or sisters might think

But as we know in most part of the world it happens woman and man can be involved in what is called love in that stage which is not truly but  lets agree at least that feeling since they think it is, plus it might end with true love if they get married

I am talking about a muslem girl and muslem man as an example .If we look at this  relation we know its absolutely wrong a woman and man have such relation before marriage which indicates the unawareness of these youth about  what ISLAM  says.
Now if they justify this relation with a marriage they will not face any objection since they are both muslems right ?
Now,,, lets put a Christian girl instead of the muslem where the other part (man)is muslem   (the story seems to me that way) .They are still not aware of its banning islam .
So
What is the difference between such a muslem girl and such Christian girl in  regards of such relations ?

And why the Christian girl is not being allowed to marry this muslem man if the muslem girl is also not knowing her religion well ?

Cant she also learn after marriage ? besides I think when a Christian woman aims to marry a muslem man this is also a clear symptom she has not any despise to his religion ,as she knows she will raise muslem children ..Well up to here she has no more role she is in charge, but  rest is the responsibility of the man to teach and help her toward the right path
So if the man is a good muslem he will end the the mission positively and if our concern for the children we can see sis Ameera’s as adeal example
She said
[quote]After that we had children and my husband explained to me that he waited so long, because he wanted his kids to grow up in purely Muslim envirounment.  I know that Allah showed me the light,[/quote]

and this agrees with what I said previously

[quote]It can be delayed to have children from non muslem mother if she is meant to become muslelm first .I think the living person (she) is more important to be given chance and help communicating with muslem  husband who can help her .why that unborn child to be given priority ?[/quote]

I don’t believe every muslem girl is ready to be a good muslem mother from the first day she is married .but they learn later on and every person in this world as long as there is not a clear cut hatred to islam deserves be treated the same and even more than a muslem .so I don’t see any harm to marry a Christian woman under the above circumstance
But brother anon make sure which of two types of men you are ?

a-Are you strong and good enough in your religion that you can educate and be a good example of muslems and  can draw her to ISLAM ?

b-you are just a muslem and you don’t care what you are supposed to do as a muslem

if you are the othet type you are not still qualified for the marriage itself .for a Christian or muslem You need to exact yourself first





Re: How can I marry a Christian or Jew?
Fozia
02/12/05 at 06:05:11
[slm]

A fact worth remembering, Allah is the one who gives us children or not (as the case may be). No contraception is a 100%, so if a muslim Br is thinking of marryig a non-muslim woman with the intention of holding off having children until/if his wife reverts, the only sure fire method is celebacy, and that imho sort of defeats the purpose of marriage...

I would also think that a woman should choose her religion according to what she considers is right, not because her husband has coerced (however gently) into taking his religion. One example off the top of my head, is Imran Khan and Jemima, there was an incredible amount of hoohaa when she became Imrans wife and reverted. Look at her now. What will happen to their children?

Remember the father will be held to account for the upbringing of his children too.

Wassalaam
Re: How can I marry a Christian or Jew?
Ameera15
02/12/05 at 19:22:32

[slm]
To sister Fozia:
Do you realy think that Christian women that married to Muslim men, convert just for their husbands and not because of the truth they have found in Islam? And do you imply that if, Allah forbid they get divorced, she like hypocrite(sorry for spelling) is going to leave Islam and become apostate?If so, I find it very insulting to many sisters, as well to myself!
[wlm]
Re: How can I marry a Christian or Jew?
timbuktu
02/13/05 at 01:05:27
[slm] brother Salem, from anon's post it is clear there isn't already love, but instead the brother wants to explore some intimate moments with a non-Muslim girl. This maybe curiosity. This maybe because he thinks a non-Muslim girl will allow him to go further than a Muslim one.

In any case, I believe most of the [i]love[/i] we see before marriage is [i]lust[/i].

My concern was that Muslim women are being left out, and this is terrible.

sister Ameera, I don't think sister Fozia meant that. From what I have read here, she never thinks in such terms. What she is pointing out is that some women do so.

and to be fair, even Muslim women may also try to please their husbands without conviction in their hearts.

At Birmingham I taught Muslim children at Sunday school. and I was surprised to see that some of them had English non-Muslim mothers, who brought them regularly to the school. So, some non-Muslim mothers do take the Muslim schooling of their children seriously. Yet I also know of cases where non-Muslim mothers have started taking their children to the church instead of the mosque, as soon as the husbands became weak out of illness or old age.
Re: How can I marry a Christian or Jew?
Fozia
02/13/05 at 05:50:10
[slm]

No way Sr Ameera. Br. Timbutktu put it better than me.

I've found amongst my friends the sisters who have reverted hold strong to their faith, and take their Islamic duties very seriously (I'm not necessarily saying those born into Islam dont...)
However, I think marrying someone in the hopes one day they will revert is a folly. You can do dawah, you do not necessarily have to marry the person to help them along....

I think personally it is better to marry a person of faith whether a reverted sister or a born muslimah.

As I said, children are a boon from Allah. Isn't that why muta was eventually forbidden??

Marriage is a big deal, it is not something to be entered into lightly, you are making the contract in front of Allah as well as society.
What happens say if despite his best efforts a husband cannot quite convince his (however wonderful) wife that Islam is the true religion?

I'm sorry this subject cuts too close to the bone for me, this will be my last post here.
All muslims should consider their choice of life partner very carefully, the right husband/wife lights up your life and will be your partner in heaven. The wrong one will do the opposite.


Wassalaam
02/13/05 at 05:51:37
Fozia
Re: How can I marry a Christian or Jew?
Ameera15
02/13/05 at 19:57:38
[slm]
Well, sister Fozia, nowhere I said that my husband married me, because he wanted to help me become Muslim, but rather he married me because he surtenly found something good in me(not necesseraly looks) and because he wanted the best for me as his live parthener, he talked and advised me in best mannier. What he found in me, that let him take the decission to marry me - you need to ask him that question. Although sometimes I think that it is better for the muslim man to marry muslimah, I coudn't denay that it is permissible for him to marry the women of the book and I am in no position to judge them. Everybody is responsible for their own dessisions and they gonna answer infront of Allah for them. Maybe I am oversensitive on this issue as I married when still a Christian and after that I converted. But I know a woman from my country, which married an Arab, while she was Christian and come now to see her, MashaAllah she is in better religion position then him, full with sabr and shukr. There are many other cases that the wife became Muslimah and help her Muslim born husband to correct himself and follow his religion. Alhamdulillah for Islam!It is true also that many of those interreligious marriadges finish with divorse, but in most of them there are mistakes from both of the parthners.
So just to point the finger to the other religion person is not most wise. I  also know of inter religious families in which the chidren follow Islam(their father's religion) and become good Muslims. And there are kids from Muslims families, who follow their whims and desires. Although those maybe in the minorities, they still exist. And I think we need to raise our kids in the midst of Muslims, in coutry with predominary Muslim population, as this may have wide effect on them. Thank you for listening.
[wlm]


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