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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Re: Marriage help needed |
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| Kathy |
| 02/23/05 at 08:06:19 |
| [slm] Even tho you said you have had this discussion, copy this letter and hand it to him. (Another copy with out the headers...most men do not appreciate thier business in public) This way he will surely know you want to make the marriage work and you are accepting your responsibilities for the negatives that has happened. ( I have found most men are not into guessing games... you got to tell them exactly how you feel.) When he comes to you to talk about this, ask him what he wants, his expectations... and if he needs room to breathe, give it to him! he is a man. Men go out hunting, especially when they are young. I am sure he is having a difficult time adjusting to being a couple instead of a single guy with no one to answer to. When I was having this problem, the solution I found and worked for me, was I would call my hubby up at work and tell him what delicious meal was awaiting for him. (Figure out what drives your hubby delightfully crazy) He was always at the door by 5, if it was his favorite meal. Sigh... now I can't get rid of him.....;) |
| NS |
| Re: Marriage help needed |
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| Maryam |
| 02/23/05 at 18:39:30 |
| [wlm] Aliya, Hope that you find a solution to your problem. I'm only here to give a suggestion, hope it will help. Allah knows best. Kathy is right, men don't usually like to play games... so whatever the problem is just give it to him straight. You mentioned that it is your fault. Honestly, I can't see where wanting to spend time with him would be your fault. But yes, I can see why wanting to hang out with him ALL of the time can be very annoying to him. But I've come to learn something, if a woman wants to know everything about a man's life, it's either because she doesn't trust him or she is really a control freak! It has nothing to do with "wanting to spend more time together." Which one are you? He probably feels that you don't trust him. If so, why is it that you don't trust him hanging out on his own. Is there something unsettling about his past that you know which is making you control his present? Are you afriad that he is going to do something embarrasing if you're not around? If you were aware of something that he did or happened in his past, being his cousin, why did you marry him? Why did you become a bride and go through all the formalities? See, these are only a minuute part of the type of questions you will face if you guys do seperate. Plus it's only been 6 months, marriage takes time, it's a lot of work. And if there isn't something to really worry about, then give him time and let him come to you. If I may ask Aliya, was this an arranged marriage? If so, it will take time for him to really care for you. It was an eye opener for me to read that he didn't want to commit to a house with you as he might ACTUALLY leave and go back home. Aliya, something is really bothering him. And if you really care for him the way you said you do, you need to find out what it is. It's good to see that you don't want the marriage to fail, at the same time, the way you have described your problem, you are wanting to control the aspects of both your lives. You have to give him room to grow. Trust me, if he has come to the UK sacrificing everything in his homeland, then yes, by all means let him grow. He has to get used to the way of life in UK, and if by hanging out with friends, he picks up a couple of pointers, then great. After all, a wife CAN NOT be a mother to her husband. You CAN NOT teach him to do this, and to do that, etc. etc. etc. Try this, go to meet his friends, or cousins or wherever he likes to hang out (if you haven't already met them.) And try to get to know his friends during the visit. That way you can be satisfied of the kind of people he's hanging out with. At least he's not robbing a bank, right! Then next time and the times after that, let him go by himself. This should give him the opportunity to invite you on his own for a future visit rather than feeling all caged-in to be around you all the time. When he invites you, go! I'm not saying that you can't just tag along with him whenever you want, just not all the time! If there is something that you don't like about the ppl. he's hanging out with, just calmly and casually let him know when the two of you are at home. You'd be surprised what the power of suggestion can to someone who loves you. And from your message, it sounds like he doesn't put up a fuss with you, so you know what, he probably values your opinion alot. Just don't nag him. Plus, I don't know if you're a working gal or not, but if you can, try to make time to hang out with some friends of your own, or maybe even wives of his friends (if they're married). So you don't feel the need to be around your hubby all the time and yet you'll still know exactly where he is. People around you will be judging the two of you for some time to come. Afterall you are newly weds, and as most ppl. do in our culture, they will be watching your every moves to see how the two of you are "getting along" with each other. Some will say things to purely make trouble. And some will say something to you just because they care for you. Try not to let these things bother you, and try to mind your own business. I know it's easily said but hard to do, but really try. Get to know your hubby, OVER TIME, not in the first 6 months of marriage. Don't be around him all the time. It's not working with this man, so change your habits, it's still very very vey early in your marriage. And it also sounds like you need to give yourself time to deal with whatever the underlying problem is. Sounds to me that there is something about the past, of both of you, which is controlling your present. You need time also, to get over whatever is making you behave this way. Take the time. If you still need to forgive him for whatever it is he did, then take the time to do that. The two of you have a commitment to each to make each other feel comfortable, make each other feel as if you are each other's sanctuary. Take the time to make that happen. I pray that this has helped more than it may have confused you. And I pray that your troubles pass over and that married life is easier for the both of you. [wlm], Maryam. :-) |
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