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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Would You Marry Her |
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| Kathy |
| 02/27/05 at 19:14:58 |
| [slm] Would you marry a gorgeous sister, early 30's, with 4 children under 15, a revert who seems to be an excellent Muslim, fun loving, adventerous, and very intelligent? |
| 02/27/05 at 19:16:25 |
| Kathy |
| Re: Would You Marry Her |
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| Aadhil |
| 02/27/05 at 19:49:40 |
| [slm] No, cause most middle school kids are a nightmare to handle, plus they smell terrible. I was once walking along a middle school hallway and nearly passed out (Partially cause of the smell and partially trying to hold my breath) >:( And the second reason is that the prophet advised getting a virgin as ones first wife. [slm] A muslim... ;-)... [] |
| Re: Would You Marry Her |
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| labeeb |
| 02/27/05 at 23:57:23 |
| [wlm] wrb, I thought it was a serious inquiry when I first ventured in Akhwat Cafe. Now I know it was a theoretical one. Anyway, it would be tough convincing my desi family on even an early 30 with no children and not married before!! wasalaam, labeeb ;-) PS: Why are you emphasizing the looks etc so much. "gorgeous (aha!) excellent Muslim (is a hafiz of qur'an?), fun loving (likes to go to amusement park, sexy resorts?), adventerous (does bungee jumping??), and very intelligent (has an IQ of >150?)" An alien I think ;) |
| 02/28/05 at 00:29:04 |
| labeeb |
| Re: Would You Marry Her |
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| Anonymous |
| 03/08/05 at 11:53:30 |
| To tell the truth, she can pretty much kiss the prospect of marrying a young bachelor goodbye. An older bachelor might be open to the idea though. Here are some questions that older gentleman would ask or should ask her: Would you marry someone from another ethnicity? Would you marry someone who plans to move back to his country? Would you want to be in a polygynous marriage, even if you are the first wife in such an arrangement? Are your kids from one relationship or multiple? Are the kids' fathers supporting them or are they deadbeat or simply dead? What happened to your earlier marriages/partnerships? Were any of your ex- partners muslim? Why do you expect a never married bachelor to marry an experienced woman with 4 children to raise? What can he expect from a woman who would be occupied most of the time since she has 4 children to take care of? Are your children aware of their islamic identity or are they like loose cattle? How do you expect that another man would be able to afford your 4 kids plus any other that might come from the prospective marriage? How would your children react to another man in your life? |
| Re: Would You Marry Her |
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| Kathy |
| 03/09/05 at 08:54:07 |
| [slm] It is a serious inquiry, the one in Akwhat was a social one. Latley we have had three women with children become Muslim. One is still married, the other two divorcees. When listening to their shahadahs, I was wondering if they would ever get married. When the married woman first met me and was thinking about Islam, first question to me was.... what happens to her and her hubby, once she takes her Shahadah? She becomes homeless with 4 kids? She did take her shahadah as she felt it was better to be Muslim and be sinning (by remaining with her husband) , than not be Muslim at all. What do you think? |
| Re: Would You Marry Her |
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| NinthMuharram |
| 03/17/05 at 11:24:53 |
| [slm] I have 3 real life stories. These brothers are just amazing! 1. Brother #1 was 23 when he married his wife 15 years older than him. She was a divorcee with 3 children with ages ranging from 13 to 5. Thye've been married for 2 years. She just completed her Phd and they're expecting their first child as a couple. Brother #1 calls her children as "my children" whenever he refers to them. He picks them up from school and do everything that a father does. 2. Brother #2 is 27 and will be marrying a divorcee older than him who has such an adorable daughter . They're waiting until she completed her Phd. Not related but worth mentioning 3. Brother #3 is a divorcee with 2 teenage daughters married his wife who has been up front with him abt the fact she was molested when she was a child. So ladies, there are wonderful men outside there And brothers..well, just keep these stories in your mind. Ages and numbers will only be a trouble if you see it as one. |
| Re: Would You Marry Her |
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| Fozia |
| 03/17/05 at 15:01:38 |
| [quote author=Muslim link=board=bro;num=1109549698;start=0#1 date=02/27/05 at 19:49:40] And the second reason is that the prophet advised getting a virgin as ones first wife. [slm] A muslim... ;-)... [][/quote] [slm] Did he (saw) really?? Wassalaam |
| Once upon a time . . . |
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| SuperHiMY |
| 04/18/05 at 03:41:43 |
| Once upon a time A boy asked a girl to marry him. She said no. And she lived happily ever after. The end. |
| Not always happy |
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| Kathy |
| 04/18/05 at 08:27:49 |
| [slm] One thing, Bro HIMY, that I have learned about other's relationships is that appearances of living happily are often decieving. [quote]Did he (saw) really?? [/quote] To the best of my knowledge, of all of Prophet Muhammad's [saw] wives, only one was a virgin when he married them. A cut and paste from Islam Q&A: Al-Bukhaari (4052) and Muslim (715) narrated that Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to me: “Have you got married, O Jaabir?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “To a virgin or to a previously-married woman?” I said, “To a previously-married woman, O Messenger of Allaah.” He said, “Why not a young girl with whom you could play and she could play with you?” I said, “My father was killed on the day of Uhud, and he left behind nine daughters. I did not like to bring to them someone like them, and I wanted to bring a woman who could look after them and guide them.” He said, “May Allaah bless you,” or he said good words to me. According to one report he said, “You did the right thing.” And according to a version narrated by Muslim, “Then that is better. For women may be married for their religious commitment, their wealth or their beauty. Choose the one who is religiously committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” Al-Shawkaani said in Nayl al-Awtaar (6/126): This indicates that it is mustahabb to marry virgins, except for one who has a reason to marry a previously-married woman, as happened in the case of Jaabir. End quote. |
| Hmm. |
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| Medo |
| 05/05/05 at 17:18:12 |
| Asalamu Aliakum Even though I'm a youngin'.. I'm just sharing my thoughts of why I would/wouldn't marry this person. Would: 1. I would marry her because of her inner beauty (she loves being a muslim). 2. She's intelligent I tell you. 3. If she's adventerous in a way where she would make me happy, then the answer is... Yes, I would. Now, why I wouldn't: 1. She has 4 Children which makes me go :o . 2. She's been married before, and she's not a v..(not saying it.) 3. I would want children who would look like me - not like someone else. So to my conclusion: If she really is intelligent and beautiful with 4 children. I would leave her being adventerous with her children and have a fun-loving life where she could love Allah along with her children. But then again, her children need a father... or do they? Final conclusion: If any brother marries this women I see it as a deed. The reason being is, the brother married her to father her children - and to make her life... better I should say. Only if the brother really has the heart to love her. On the other hand, if no brother marries her - then she should be happy as well - devoting herself to Allah along with the children. There, a two-way happy ending. Walaikum Asalaam. :) P.S. It's just my thought/ opinion. |
| Re: Would You Marry Her |
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| wahdamuslimah |
| 07/26/05 at 07:11:20 |
| can i modify the q? would any of the married brothers here take her on as a second wife? as the kids need a father and its sutrah for her, plus the ajr you would get, etc |
| Re: Would You Marry Her |
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| thezman |
| 07/28/05 at 16:43:07 |
| [slm] Just a thought to ponder before going on to stage 2 (asking the married brothers if they would or wouldn't), ask their first wives how they feel about this and if they're willing to live with this arrangement, their thoughts matter since this scenario will affect them and their kids also. |
| Re: Would You Marry Her |
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| wahdamuslimah |
| 07/29/05 at 00:51:54 |
| ive actually thought about this alot, and im not even married yet so my thoughts may not count but i was thinking its not such a negative thing maybe to be a first wife to a sister like in this scenario, saves me from having to cook dinner every night etc :) also could concentrate on other aspects of my life as well, ie my career...id have extra time to spend on myself and not get so tied up with married life... and a sister like this inshallah wouldnt have this hidden agenda to convince him to divorce me to get all his income and attention in her direction, cos she has been divorced and knows how it is and inshallah wouldnt wish it on me... |
| Re: Would You Marry Her |
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| Siham |
| 08/14/05 at 23:01:38 |
| [quote author=Fozia link=board=bro;num=1109549698;start=0#6 date=03/17/05 at 15:01:38] [slm] Did he (saw) really?? Wassalaam [/quote] This is paraphrased from a passage by Imam al-Ghazali, in Book 2 of his Revival of the Religious Leanings, (Ihya Ulum Id-Din). Bride should be virtuous - The Prophet [saw] said to Hazrat Jabir: Why have you not married a virgin girl, so that you could have played with her and she could have played with you? He married a previously married woman. There are three benefits if a virgin girl is married. She loves her husband. The woman who enjoyed husband is generally addicted to her previous husband. Another benefit is that the love of the husband for his wife becomes perfect and the third benefit is that a virgin girl will not have occasion to grieve for a previous husband. Peace, Siham. |
| Re: Would You Marry Her |
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| thezman |
| 08/22/05 at 08:41:31 |
| [slm] ok, I have a question and I'm not being sarcastic or disrespectful at all, but what if there are no virgins around. what then? does the guy remain single or the woman have an embargo placed on her for not being a virgin? |
| Re: Would You Marry Her |
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| jannah |
| 08/22/05 at 09:56:44 |
there's some horrifying indian movie that's just been released that's been making headlines b/c of its shocking content. i found the plot rather disgusting but thought it was an interesting premise: basically it's set in the 'near future'. what's happenned is that there are no women left because every time a girl is born she is murdered because times are tough and people only want boys.. so there are like NO women... and all these men practice homosexuality and are all messed up. so this one old father has a girl and hides her for years to protect her. but then one day the village men find out about her and then the father ends up selling the girl to the highest bidder who in turn sells her to everyone else to rape. then follows apparent violent/horrible scenes and at the end she ends up pregnant and everyone fights over who the father is... and the movie finally ends with that it's a girl and i can't remember if they murdered the baby or what in the final bleak scene so anyways, there's a reason why divorce is allowed in islam and why re-marriage is allowed. everyone in the world is not going to be people who have never married before. the prophet [saw] married all previously married women remember except for aisha ra who was mandated by Allah. Many of the sahabah divorced and re-married. the prophet saw encouraged virgins to marry virgins perhaps, but what's with the double standard of divorced brothers wanting to marry 17 year old virgins?? there's also this new thing in countries like egypt and algeria called a 'virgin certificate' where a doctor checks a girl out and issues a certificate!! i mean that's just like... what are times coming to. if you can't trust the girl then why marry her?? and what about all the converts, will they never be able to marry into muslims because they have to be virgins?? ps pls forgive the open-ness of this post, it's just the nature of the topic wlm, |
| Re: Would You Marry Her |
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| timbuktu |
| 08/22/05 at 10:56:16 |
| [slm] I don't think the insistence on virginity has any Islamic origin. The saying of the prophet [saw] may have been directed to that particular Sahabi, for as has been pointed out, most of the ummahatul mumineen were non-virgins. It is more a cultural thing: Egypt and maybe other North African countries. About the shortage of females: It has happened in China, thanks to its one-child policy. Since most couples opted to retain the male child, there is a severe skewness in the gender ratio. |
| 08/24/05 at 12:19:22 |
| timbuktu |
| Re: Would You Marry Her |
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| freaksterrrrr |
| 08/25/05 at 02:31:10 |
| [slm] evreyone. After observing the question and the answers given here, it tends to remind me of a lecture of Sh.Anwar Awlaki that i listened to. I don't quite remember if it was the Abu Bakr (RA) series or the Umar (RA) series but he talked of something that I still remember. He says that people have nowadays taken divorce as a sort of measure and continues to ask, since when was divorce a measure of how happy people are or not? Does a high divorce rate signify an unhappy generation? Amusingly, the Sahaabah (RA) had a very high divorce rate and were one of the happiest people. The thing is, marriage is a mutual agreement between two people. So what the Sahaabah would do is that, if it doesn't work out, then we divorce and each one of us then finds a suitable partner again. Simple and straight like that. So I fail to understand where this divorce thing has come from. Perhaps it's because of the rampant westernisation? Secondly, I'd just like to agree with what Jannah and Brother Timbuktu said. The thing is, if the Sahaabah did not marry divorced women or divorced men for that matter, they would probably never have married ever in their lives but remained single instead, yet they did not? So what does this tell us? I think we seriously have to examine ourselves and how we're living today. true, the final decision lies with every person on his own, but as for the western thinking, and if we go back to the seera of the prophet [saw] and observe the lives of the Sahaabah (RA) and the Khulafaa U Raashiduun, I think we'll see the contrast between us and them. For in another saheeh hadeeth, the Prophet [saw] says "'Alaikum Bi Sunnatii Wa Sunnatii Khulafaa U raashiduun." i.e. Foloow my sunnah and the sunnah of the Khulafaa U Raashiduun. Sh.Awlaki continued to talk about the gross injustice done to Muslim women nowadays. He says that, you'll find many sisters divorced today but cannot re-marry simply because evryone wants an unmarried before woman! I wonder where this has come from. Sorry for making this long but in short the point is that we seriously have to re-examine ourselves and look at how we're thinking nowadays. As for me, if I ahad the ability to and could financially support the sister, yes, I would marry her, why not! [slm] |
| Re: Would You Marry Her |
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| AbdulBasir |
| 08/26/05 at 10:41:20 |
| [slm] In regards to the hadith of Rasulallah [saw] with Jaabir RA mentioned earlier, in one commentary I heard from a scholar on this incident, two other elements bear mentioning. Apparently, the specific language the Prophet[saw] used in "Why not a young girl with whom you could play and she could play with you?” was in light-hearted, almost teasing nature, in the original Arabic, so this should be remembered. Secondly, when Jaabir RA explained his reasons for marrying a previously married woman, which were noble reasons indeed, the Prophet[saw] was pleased and approved of it, making du'a for him. This does not negate the fact that marrying virgins is highly recommended, but it shows that in other situations, marrying the previously married can be just as, if not more virtuous. Every situation, every person is unique, and the sunnah of the Prophet[saw] is so expansive that it encompasses the unique situations and needs of all those people who follow his Sunnah, just as he[saw] himself included, embraced, welcomed, supported and cherished every single one of his Companions. Their personalities, needs and situations were just as diverse and different as ours are today. In following the Sunnah, every one of them found their place, and was pleased with that, and Allah was pleased with them. [slm] :) |
| 08/26/05 at 10:49:48 |
| AbdulBasir |
| Re: Would You Marry Her |
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| Siham |
| 08/28/05 at 23:08:48 |
| Title of Fatwa Qualities to Look for in a Spouse Question of Fatwa Dear scholars, As-Salaam `Alaykum. What are the criteria for choosing life partner in the light of golden teachings of Islam? Jazakum Allah khayran. In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful. All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger. Dear questioner, we would like to thank you for the great confidence you place in us, and we implore Allah Almighty to help us serve His cause and render our work for His Sake. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, taught us in many Hadiths about the various characteristics which one looks for in a spouse, their relative importance, and which ones determine success, and bring Allah's blessing on a marriage, in sha Allah. Among those Hadiths are the following: Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him quotes the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, as saying, "A woman is married for four things, (i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion.) So you should marry the religious woman; (otherwise) you will be a loser." (Reported by Al-Bukhari) Accordingly, the most important characteristics that one should look for in a spouse are: 1- Religion In the above Hadith, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, mentioned various characteristics that people, by their nature and custom, look for in a spouse. He did not advocate any of them, but merely stated them as facts of human nature except for the issue of "religion", i.e., a prospective spouse's piety and religiousness. About this characteristic, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, "So you should marry the religious woman; (otherwise) you will be a loser." This order is quite different from the general statement at the beginning of the above-mentioned Hadith. We must be careful not to be superficial in this issue. The mere wearing of Hijab or keeping a beard and praying in the Masjid, as routine compliance with requirements of piety, do not by themselves guarantee it. There are many people who at first glance appear to be abiding by Islam, but upon closer inspection have a twisted understanding of Islam and their practice in reality may leave much to be desired. `Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, once told someone who had testified to the goodness of a person by the fact that he had seen him in the Masjid that he did not know him as long as he had no dealings with him that involved money, did not live with him, and did not travel with him. The characteristic of piety applies to the groom just as much as to the bride. This should be the main focus of both the woman’s guardian and suitor. In this context, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, "If someone with whose piety and character you are satisfied comes to you, then marry him. If you do not do so, there will be disorder in the earth and a great deal of evil." (Reported by At-Tirmidhi and others and classed as Hasan) 2- Character and Behavior In the above Hadith addressed to guardians and parents, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, commanded them to facilitate their marriage when they are satisfied with two issues: the faith of the suitor and his character. Character is of extreme importance in Islam and goes hand in hand with faith and piety. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, has even described it as the purpose of his mission to mankind as we can see in the following Hadiths: "I have only been sent to complete good character." (Reported by Al-Hakim and others and classed as Sahih) "I am a guarantor of a house in the highest degree of Paradise for one who makes his character good." (Reported by Abu Dawud and it is Hasan) Allah establishes the relation of this issue to marriage, saying: "Bad women are for bad men and bad men are for bad women. And good women are for good men and good men are for good women." (An-Nur: 26) One of the important issues of character in the spouses is the quality of Wudd. This means kindness, lovingness and compassion. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, "Marry the loving/friendly, the child-bearing woman, for I shall outstrip the other nations with your numbers on the Day of Judgment." (Reported by Ahmad, Abu Dawud, and others and classed as Sahih) 3- Child-Bearing As we see in the above-mentioned Hadith, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, recommended men to marry women who are child-bearing. This characteristic is related to some of the goals and purposes of marriage that were mentioned earlier such as procreating the Muslim Ummah, raising a pious family as a cornerstone of society and so forth. 4- Virginity There are many Hadiths which recommend that a man must marry a virgin woman; such as the following: "Marry virgins for they have sweeter mouths, more productive wombs, and are contented with little they get." (Reported by At-Tabarani and it is Hasan) Other narrations indicate that a virgin is more likely to be pleased by a man and less likely to be devious and deceiving. Once, when Jabir married an older and previously married woman, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said to him, "Why not a virgin? You could have played with her and she with you." Muslim scholars stress that this good attribute applies to man just as it applies to woman. `Umar ibn Al-Khattab, may Allah be pleased with him, once heard about a woman who was married to an elderly man and he said: "O people, fear Allah and let people marry their types.” 5- Beauty This characteristic has a certain role to play since one of the purposes of marriage is to keep both spouses from sins. The best way to do this is to have a strong attraction between spouses. Although this is something which surely grows over time, initial impressions can in some cases become an obstacle to a successful marriage. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, separated Qays ibn Shamas from his wife in the famous case of Khul` and her stated reason was that he was exceedingly displeasing to her. There are many Hadiths which urge the prospective spouse to get a look at the other before undertaking the marriage. Once a Companion told the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, that he was going to get married. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, asked if he had seen her. When the man answered in negative, he, peace and blessings be upon him, said, "Go and look at her for it is more likely to engender love between the two of you." (Reported by Ahmad and others and it is Sahih) Ibn `Abidin, a famous Muslim jurist, said, "The woman should choose a man who is religious, of good character, generous and of ample wealth. She should not marry an evildoer. A person should not marry his young daughter to an old or an ugly man, but he should marry her to one similar." Beauty has its role, but remember that it is way down on the priority list under piety, character and religion. When a person puts beauty above all else, the consequences can be disastrous. This is one of the main reasons that young people seeking to get married must be helped by more mature family members in making their choice. Based on the course "Family Law I" offered by the American Open University Elaborating on what one should look for in a partner, the late Sheikh Sayyed Ad-Darsh, former Chairman of the UK Shari`ah Council, adds: “The age difference between potential partners should not be too great. It is not fair to give a young girl to a man who is twenty or thirty years her senior. If she, for one reason or another, accepts - or if he accepts, then it is their choice. But they should be aware of the future of their relationship and the implications of such a marriage. A gray-haired man once passed by a young black-haired girl and he proposed to her. She looked at him and said, 'I accept, but there is a snag.' He enquired what it was, to which she answered, ‘I have some gray hair.’ The man passed on without a word. She called out. ‘My uncle, look at my hair!’ She had hair as black as coal. He said to her, 'Why did you say that?' She answered, ‘To let you know that we do not like in men what they do not like in women.’ Marriage is not for fun or experience. It is a life-long relationship. For that reason, any factor detrimental to the relationship should be avoided as much as is possible. Highly educated males and females should seek partners with a similar educational background. Cultural and family background is very important. Common language is an essential way of communicating. Such things help the two partners to understand, communicate and relate to one another and are factors of stability and success - as are financial independence and the ability to provide a decent acceptable level of maintenance. Again, this is a way of ensuring that outside influences do not spoil an otherwise happy life. All ways and means should be considered, giving a solid basis for a new human experience which is expected to provide a framework for a happy, successful and amicable life. The questions of common language, background, education and age, etc., are meant, in an ordinary stable context, to maximize the chances of success and stability in a very important Islamic institution, that of marriage. However, considering the particular position of Muslim communities living in minority situations, young Muslims, male and female, are exposed to all sorts of challenges - be they cultural, linguistic, racial or social. The most fundamental question when choosing a partner is a religious one- As far as language, background, or social position are concerned, these are not significant factors that absolutely must be fulfilled before a marriage can take place. If the prospective partner is of good character, with a strong religious inclination, and the two young people are happy and feel compatible with one another, other considerations are not of such importance.” Allah Almighty knows best. please note: that’s only right if a brother who's non-virgin marries a non-virgin as well, the hadith that I posted previousely was specially dedicated to those who have never been married before. It’s really that simple. wasalam. |
| Re: Would You Marry Her |
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| SisterHania |
| 08/29/05 at 11:58:20 |
| [quote author=Siham link=board=bro;num=1109549698;start=10#19 date=08/28/05 at 23:08:48]Title of Fatwa Qualities to Look for in a Spouse Allah Almighty knows best. please note: that’s only right if a brother who's non-virgin marries a non-virgin as well, the hadith that I posted previousely was specially dedicated to those who have never been married before. It’s really that simple. wasalam.[/quote] What if you were married but never consumated the marriage? Do you still have the right to marry a virgin? |
| Re: Would You Marry Her |
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| Siham |
| 08/30/05 at 22:01:27 |
| [quote author=Hania link=board=bro;num=1109549698;start=20#20 date=08/29/05 at 11:58:20] What if you were married but never consumated the marriage? Do you still have the right to marry a virgin? [/quote] Question: Propose to her Wali I have worked with my boss and his sister for 4 years I like the girl and want to marry her Insha Allah, how I am going to if she is interested she is good Muslimah I am from Morocco and she is from Syria I am 36 and she is 30 I want to know how to approach her or talk to her brother. Answer: Praise be to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds; and may His blessings and peace be upon our Prophet Muhammad and upon all his Family and Companions. If that woman is non-virgin, you may ask for her hand from herself, for, in this case, she has the right to accept or reject, on the condition that you do not speak with her alone in seclusion. But if she agrees, then she has no right to marry herself to you, rather her Wali (guardian) has. If she is virgin, then you have no right to ask for her hand except from her Wali such as her father or grandfather in case this Wali is qualified as such (by being Muslim). A non-Muslim cannot be a guardian to a Muslim woman. If this guardian was non-Muslim, then the guardianship should move to the closest kin to her such as a brother, his son, the uncle, etc. If there is no a Muslim relative, then her marriage should be conducted by a Muslim legal judge. If yet not, then a group of Muslims may do the job, such as Islamic centers or associations available in your whereabouts. Allah knows best. Answerer: Fatwa center supervised by Dr. Abdullah Al-faqih So, basically if you are still a virgin, then you have the right to marry a virgin as well. Hope this answers your question In sha Allah. wasalam. |
| 08/31/05 at 20:46:54 |
| Siham |
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