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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Looking for sense of self |
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| findingme |
| 03/16/05 at 22:57:24 |
| I'm a muslim woman who is currently staying in a foreign country. Married for five plus years and still waiting for a child and in an effort of achieving this. I come from a solid muslim background, have good and open relationship with parents and husband. Have a good career as an educator in a higher learning institution. I'm thankful for everything that I have, yet I sometimes feel lost and everwhelmed in the roles that I play for the world and lose grip of who I really am. At other times, I just feel like I'm not really doing the best I could for myself, my parents, family and husband. How can find a sense of peace and be happy with who I am?? |
| Re: Looking for sense of self |
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| M.F. |
| 03/17/05 at 08:54:03 |
| Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah What you said struck me deeply, and I can completely relate to how you feel. Although our situations are a little different as I have one child and only work part time, I have had similar feelings going through me... when I have time to think about myself. I feel as though I'm going through life without really existing as a person. I am a mother, a wife, but not really *me*. This feeling increased immensely when I became a mother, it seems as though my whole life is taken over by it. Once in a while I need to get ahold of myself. I *know* what I need in my life. I need Allah. I know this all the time in the back of my mind but I am ashamed to ask Him. Then when it's unbearable I say: Allah, I need You. And the response comes immediatley, instant relief, as though Allah is saying: But I'm right here.... I feel this intensely and finally know what I am or at least what I should be, I should allow myself to have that relationship with Allah all the time, that type of relationship where all I have to do is call on Him, where I actually do call on Him and not just think about it. Of course this is not the only answer to "who am I?" but it's the one that for me has brought the clearest answer. Wallahu a'lam :) |
| Re: Looking for sense of self |
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| Kathy |
| 03/17/05 at 11:35:02 |
| [slm] I look at it this way. I was me in my early twenties until my marriage. I liked it, and sometimes I look back with the fondness of singledom. But one thing I have noticed lately is that I am a better person, as a wife, a mother and a masjid community person then I ever was as a single person, just being me. I have had to get better. More modest, loving, responsible and giving because of marriage. More knowledgeable because I have had to learn to teach my son. More compassionate, as a result of volunteering in the community. I haven't lost myself at all, I have just refined it and look forward to the next label Allah swt puts on me. Subhanna Allah. Allahu Allum, I don't think we ever find a peace and happiness with just who we are. because there are always more paths to follow, more dreams developed, and a restlessness with our deen. As Prophet Muhammad [saw] said, (paraphrasing)... if you knew what I know, you would laugh less and weep more. So continue to strive.... |
| 03/17/05 at 11:36:27 |
| Kathy |
| Re: Looking for sense of self |
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| findingme |
| 03/17/05 at 21:05:29 |
| [slm] "Nothing was missing in my life, but my Iman was slowly fading in me that’s why I’m on this journey. I was like a little girl asking WHY questions all the time, never satisfied with the answers." SIS TRUSTWORTY in Naseeha room. As I read this, I honestly felt my heart skipped a beat and the hairs on the back of my neck stood. I think I'm starting to realize why I had felt so empty in spite of the more than fortunate life Allah s.w.t has granted to me. I've been too preoccupied with all my that I don't have, that I've lost track of what I have. maybe because I've been too dissapointed with the fact that i've not been successful in my efforts to have a child of my own and the fact that the "fault" was mine as I've been diagnosed with pcos. As the months passed by, turning to years and as my age increases, I've started to become more and more hopeless. Astaghfirullah-al-azim... Jazakallahukhair for all of you for the "reminder", I'm starting to see some light at the end of this road. Believe it of not, I am shedding tears as I'm typing this msg. and keep ishtighfar-ing & humbly hoping that Allah will accept them as I've been so blinded to all His blessings on me, Subhanallah... Hoping and praying that I'll continue towards that light and arrive at the destination. Pls pray for me too. Nauszu-billah. Wassalam |
| Re: Looking for sense of self |
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| ummnajmah |
| 03/18/05 at 11:03:24 |
| [slm]Sis Finding me.Inshallah, I hope that Allah(SWT) eases your worry and state .As human beings, we sometimes go through thoughts like this.You mentioned about not being able to have a child.What I know sometimes is that when we feel we cannot fit into a certain way of being, something is beyong our control,we feel hopeless.Please do not let this define what you are all about! Look around you at all the things that Allah(SWT) has given you and the things you cherish more and try to find some contentment.I remind myself from time to time that there are those who go through worse situations, those who are ill, those who lack basic needs.Am in no way saying you are not grateful but when you look at the world in this way and you find a small way to help another muslim,I assure you that inshallah you will feel so much better and a sense of fulfilment. Once in a while I loose focus and somethings seem a bit much to bear, but when I think of Allah(SWT) mercy to me, I feel humbled and at certain times when I hear of other peoples misfortunes, it serves as a big wake up call.Try not to spend too much time, dissecting yourself and being so hard on yourself.Also take time to do things you love, things that bring you joy, make time for you, spoil yourself...you need to once in a while.Oh..and stop saying it's your fault for being unable to bear a child yet! >:( Noone wants this to happen and no woman asks for this.Take it easy on yourself. |
| Re: Looking for sense of self |
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| findingme |
| 03/18/05 at 21:19:20 |
| [slm] sis ummnajmah, jazakkallahulkhair for your advice. Working on being more positive, espc on "stop saying it's your fault for being unable to bear a child yet!" :) and Alhamdulillah syukur, I think I'm moving towards this direction. Pls pray 4 me.... Allah bless :-) |
| Re: Looking for sense of self |
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| Kathy |
| 03/19/05 at 07:43:19 |
| [slm] I thought I was barren. In fact I was told I would not have children. AllahuAllum. In my late thirties I found out different! Subhannah Allah!! Children are a precious resource. If you are looking for direction, check out your local Masjid and join, start or volunteer for childrens programs. I did it and it really made an impact on my life. |
| Re: Looking for sense of self |
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| findingme |
| 03/20/05 at 21:48:21 |
| [slm] sis, thanks for the encouragement. Praying everyday & meanwhile will focus more on other things a well, esp. my students at campus. TQ again! Wasssalam :-) |
| Re: Looking for sense of self |
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| Halima |
| 04/05/05 at 03:46:38 |
| Dear Sis findingme, I have not logged in for a while and just saw your message. My response might be too late but bear with me. I would say what you are going through is completely understable. Not being able to have your own child must be painful and most women consider it a failure on their part. This should not be so because everything is ordained by Allah Subhanna Wa Taala. Have you considered adopting a child? There are millions of children who need love and care and some of them are even Muslim children? I am a mother who finds beauty in all children whether my own or not. And my heart especially melts when I see a smile of child - any child - and my heart aches when I see a child who can not even afford a smile. A child/children enriches your life despite the responsiblity that comes with it. I know of women who could not have children of their won, adopted and then after adoption, got pregnant. Allah works in mysterious ways and his blessings are abudant and uncountable. I have also known men and women who could not have children when they were together as a marriad couple but after divorcing and re-marrying, each had children with the other partner. Allah's mystery again. I am not saying that you divorce your husband - NO! Just pointing out how much we don't know about Allah's ways. We have our plans and Allah has his for us. Allah knows your situation better than any of us. I hope you find comfort and peace in your heart in whatever you decide and do. May Allah bless you and give you the fortitude to soldier on into greater things and happiness. Forgive me if you find anything offensive in my post. I may be totally wrong. All the best. Halima |
| Re: Looking for sense of self |
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| mother_of_2 |
| 04/08/05 at 13:35:25 |
| ASSLAMOALYKUM SIS i can understand your pain and feeling s,because i go through all those emotion, ALHUMDOLILLAH i have my first boy after 10 yrs of my marriage and then after almost 4 yrs another boy MASHALLAH. My advise to you... keep your self busy ..enjoy the time u have right now with your husband... and keep prayings... ALLAH SUBHANATALLAH MIGHT BE HAVE BETTER PLAN FOR U......i used to recite the DUAA ... in sureh-e-inbiya..i think its start....RABBI LATA ZARNI... and end up.......khair-ul wariseen.Ayat no 89.... you r in my prayers... take care... allah hafiz |
| Re: Looking for sense of self |
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| Caraj |
| 04/08/05 at 16:22:39 |
| Dear Sister Findingme, I have no words of wisdom. I only wanted to say hello and let you know you will be in my prayers. I sort of understand what you may be feeling but not totally as I did have children. One cannot truly understand unless they have lived a persona life. I have been quite upset the last few months. I don't know who I am anymore or what purpose I have. Having married very young at 15 and having my sons at 16 and 17. I am now 43 and the boys who are soon to be 26 and also 27 have wives and children of their own. Boys do not usually stick close to family as much as girls when they grow up. My DIL's are close to their families. They prefer holidays spent with their families so my sons go there. Today I called my son and he was to busy playing a video game. So busy he could not take 2 or 3 minutes for me. The flip to your situation is this. I have spent over I have spent only 15 years as a child and 27 years as a mother. All I know is loving and caring for someone. I am almost 44 and have no husband and the kids are gone. I don't know who I am anymore. I am also trying to find me. I am looking for a sense of self. So from one hurting heart to another. I feel for you and pray for you. As to children, they are blessing and heart ache :o But worth it. I just now wish I had a daughter also seeing how close my DIL's are to their mothers. My friend was told she could not have children and at 41 had a son. I pray if it is Allahs will that your arms be filled with the sweet scent and warmth of a child soon and that you find yourself. Sisterly hugs and warm thoughts your way. :-) |
| 04/08/05 at 16:27:49 |
| Caraj |
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