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Advice needed about brothers baby?

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Advice needed about brothers baby?
Anonymous
04/05/05 at 00:50:27
Asalamu alaikum

I have a problem and any advice would be great as I really respect this board and think
the members here are quite learned.  So maybe u can help me deal with the issue at hand.  
Ok, basically in a nutshell, my brother told me that he has fathered a child with a woman
he is not married to and she is a christian also.  She is expected to give birth in
4weeks.  Nobody in my family knows of this except me.  My family are very conservative so
something like this will break my mum's heart and maybe give my dad a heart attack.  My
brother said he will be involved in the child's life but the child will be mainly raised by
the mother and will live with their family.  The thing is my bro has asked me to be
involved in the child's life and I don't know how I can do that without lying to my parents.  
Also, islamically what shuld I do cos this baby is going to be my neice/nephew.  


Thanking you in advance

Wasalam
Re: Advice needed about brothers baby?
jannah
04/05/05 at 02:15:18
wlm,

i'm speechless... i thought i had tough life situations to deal with... i mean i really don't know... what CAN u do in a situation like that?

the baby of course is innocent and deserves ur love... maybe if the mother is not averse to u, u can visit her and the baby and just give her ur support or do whatever u can for them and maybe even visit them over the years....??? i mean i definitely don't think that u should shun her or anything, cause there were certainly two ppl involved and she probably did not think she was doing anything wrong, whereas ur brother knows better.

every child will eventually want to know his/her roots so having u in the background as a loving supportive aunt may be a good thing. i've known many ppl interested in islam later in life who have said 'oh my uncle/aunt was muslim, my dad was muslim but i never knew him' etc...

as for the parents i don't think its ur right to tell them but maybe over time u can encourage ur brother to tell them.  i'm sure they would like to know they have a grandchild in the world regardless of the mistakes.  but that is certainly a very delicate matter.

and i'm curious as to why he would tell u.. it seems kind of unfair to u.. but maybe he doesn't know what else to do...why doesn't he just marry her btw?
they could kinda go off somewhere and come back later married with a kid... what's the worse the parents can do? just disown him... i guess, but to me that seems better than keeping this unimaginable secret for years and years

and may Allah help you sister.. just try to be calm and wise and it'll be ok inshallah :)

wsalaam wrt
Re: Advice needed about brothers baby?
Fozia
04/05/05 at 08:50:50
[slm]

What exactly is your brother's intention, Will he continue to be involved with the mother of his child? If so it would be best to inform your parents (best if he did it). He's an adult he needs to take responsibility for his actions. It would be good to remind him, that he will be answerable for the upbringing of his child.
Parents in my experience are pretty resilient, they may be shocked/hurt/angry no actually completely utterly furious and then some. But your brother needs his family with him. You could perhaps help him out by staying calm when everyone goes mad, and remind them that this baby is your blood too, and that you all have to help him out... but honestly what a complete idiot !!!!


Wassalaam
Re: Advice needed about brothers baby?
Caraj
04/05/05 at 13:40:32
If he were to tell your parents, after the initial shock and anger, how do you think they will be toward this girl?
Would they be the type to put their feelings aside so as not to
make the mother of their grandchild feel unwanted and despised?
Are they the types who will put all aside and be loving grandparents and
nice to the mom for the sake of their grandbaby?
You mention your father, is he ill or with frail health?

First of all I don't think it is your place to tell your parents. Not your place but also not your burden.

Secondly I think it was kind of unkind for your brother to lay this on you knowing he is asking you to keep a secret from your parents.

Us parents get angry, hurt, outraged and all, but once we calm down
we aren't so bad.
If it were me, I would have a long serious talk with my brother.
I'd tell him that althought I was glad he felt he could come to me, it is a serious burden to place on me to keep such a secret from our parents.
This is not like catching someone smoking or taking a drink.
This is a human life that will need all the love from both sides of the family in order to survive in such a world as ours.
Offer your love and support but also make a firm statement that you will not lie to or keep something so serious from your parents and he needs to be the one to tell them. And soon.
Best wishes.You're really in hard position.
You don't want to make it so he feels there is no one in the family to go to when something is wrong. Yet I'm sure you don't want to be in a position of keeping something this serious from your parents.
04/05/05 at 13:46:08
Caraj
Re: Advice needed about brothers baby?
theOriginal
04/06/05 at 02:52:56
[slm]

It's a positive thing that your brother told you.  If not family, then who can we turn to in times like this...

Secondly, it's also a positive thing that he is taking responsibility for his child by being involved in his/her life.  It's a start, because once born, it will become his responsibility to instill Islam in the child's heart.  

Let him take his time to find a way to break it to your parents, it's not your job to do that.  However, what you can do is be supportive and get the message across that he made a big mistake, and that he needs to seek Allah's forgiveness.  

As for you being involved in your niece/nephew's life...only do as much as you can so that you don't have to lie to your parents.  

It sounds like a really tough spot your family is in..I really pray that things will be made easy, inshaAllah..

Wasalaam.
Re: Advice needed about brothers baby?
Anonymous
04/08/05 at 01:12:53
asalam alakum,
i would tell your brother that he needs to talk an imam or shiekh to see how he can fix
this situation.
Re: Advice needed about brothers baby?
Caraj
04/08/05 at 16:10:13
I don't mean to sound rude nor harsh.
But the above post sounds quite unforgiving and harsh.
If we were perfect creatures there would be no need
for compassion, mercy and forgiveness.

We say Allah the merciful
or Allah the all compassionate.
There would be no need for this if we were perfect.
In one way or another.
Intentional or non intentional we sin.
Does anyone have some words of insight as to the info
in the post above? It seems rather harsh to me.
Not only for the sinner but for the child who did not ask
for such a birth.
04/08/05 at 16:31:31
Caraj
Re: Advice needed about brothers baby?
jannah
04/08/05 at 16:45:10
slm,

well i removed it because it is a fatwa about an unrelated question.. that is about the question of lawful inheritance between a parent and child born from an illegitimate relationship.

again the child from such a relationship is completely innocent.

please refrain from posting fatwas that really have no relation to the question.
04/08/05 at 16:46:28
jannah
Re: Advice needed about brothers baby?
Umm_Rumaysah
04/09/05 at 13:35:32
In the Name Of Allah The Most Gracious The Most Merciful


[slm]
Dear Sisters In Islam

I am sorry if you felt that my post was Harsh or  inappropriate actually the post was not about inheritence, had you read the Q&A that was just one of the many points for a child of Zinaa,

Yes we all sin and Allah is most merciful, we must have love for Allah Swt and fear his punishment and have hope for his mercy, only Allah SWT knows why people fall into mistakes and it is up to him to forgive and to judge that person, also it is upon the person to make sincere repentence to Allah SWT for his sins and to work righteous deeds to try and wipe out the bad with good Inshallah,

We are from Bani Adam and we ALL fall into sins, none is free from it, the best of those who sin are those who repent, so my advise to the sister is to Advise her brother to repent to Allah SWT and to work righteousness to try and wipe out the bad that happened, we cant make Zina is if it is something small, it is a seroius crime in Islam. the rulings related to children of zinaa are not harsh nor unjust toward the child, since it is not permissible in Islaam for these children to be neglected by the Muslim government, nor is it permissible for the Muslims in general to neglect their rights. It is not allowed for any of the Muslims to find fault with them for something they did not do themselves.

Although the upbringing depends much upon the mother its not to say that he should not provide for his child and the best things would be to try and call the mother to Islam and try and teach her about the Oneness of Allah SWT and his Messenger  [saw] and the teachings of Islam.

Anyway I have talked enough, I didnt want to write because I am from Bani Adam and I make mistakes and may write something wrong and I didnt want to be responsible for that or causing any harm, although I feel sad that my post was removed I understand I have been reading this site for a long time and decided to join because I liked it, but maybe I should of stayed an onlooker its better, and I cant get myself into trouble because of my Kalaam, and Allah knows my intentions and I didnt mean HArm I just felt that it was a point that we should look into, and that Islam is complete RasoolAllah   [saw] left us with guidance for everything even how to go to the bathroom, we should look for it in these more serious matters Also, And Allah SWT, know best.

Please forgive me if i have offended anyone again and If I have then I am sorry, this will be my last post.
Take Care all here at Madina

Your sister In ISlam
Ummul Rumaysah

[slm]

04/09/05 at 13:36:31
Umm_Rumaysah


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