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Problems with daughter after reversion

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Problems with daughter after reversion
Anonymous
04/08/05 at 01:14:21
Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem

Assalaamu alaykum

Dear Brothers and sisters

posting here is reach for help as dealing with problems alone is hard and sometimes
someone may look at your problem different and help you get a different insight.

I am a revert to Islam and brought with me a daughter from my pre islamic period after
deep thought I decided to was better to prevent her from her father as he was a bad
influence and told her bad things about Islam and Muslims, not only that he wasnt always in a
good state to look after her,
anyway its been 5 years now and she has seen him on occasions, yet the love she has for
him and his parents only grew stronger and her hate for my new muslim husband grew
stronger also, today she tells me she only wears hijab and prays because I tell her and that
really and I know this she didnt say it but she wants to go and live with her kuffar
relatives and dress like them and live in the dunyah, nice things clothes parties all the things
that seem "fun" Maa Shaa Allah she believes In Allah SWT, but she wants the dunyah and
these people soo much, I dont know what to do as these things arent going to bring her good
in this life or the next, but the more I prevent her the more she desires them, I have
taught her about Islam ans she knows alot and can read and speak Excellent Arabic and has
memorized much Quraan, yet this does not seem to hold her,
I dont know what to do, she disrespects me In my house and refuses to do anything I ask
her, and pushes every limit she can,
but I still dont know if the right thing to do would be to send her to her "father"
Islamically the child of Zina is attributed only to the mother, so really Islamically he
is not her "father" although Biologically he is,
Allah will ask me about her ON the Day Of Judgement, I will be called to acount for her
but I feel like I cant continue and she wont let me guide or help her

Advise me if you are able

The Deen is Nasihah
Re: Problems with daughter after reversion
MIT
04/08/05 at 19:05:16
wa alaikum us-salaam

Tough situation. Do you and your husband do fun stuff with your daughter too? It might take her mind off what she gets to do when she is with her biological father.

Re: Problems with daughter after reversion
M.F.
04/09/05 at 03:46:37
[slm]
Sister ma sha Allah it sounds like you're trying very hard to raise your daughter in the best way you know.  From what you described, your daughter sounds like a very typical teenage girl.  Rebelling against her parents' (and esp a step-parent like your husband) authority is a completely normal thing for a girl to do, and you must surely know from experience that it is human nature to desire most the things we are prevented from, especially at an age where "reason" and a sound conscience have not completely set it yet.  I can totally understand your daughter wanting the fun things in life and not being able to put things into the perspective of dunya/akhira, it's a hard thing to do for children.  

It's great that she prays and wears hijab, even if it's only because you tell her to.  It's very hard for a young person to do things that are perceived very difficult, especially in a non-Muslim evironment, out of pure faith, so I guess doing them cause you force her is better than not at all, and if she rejects it for a while, insha Allah she'll come back to it when she's more mature.
You say she disrespects you ... Again, it's completely normal for a teenager!  I can think of very few adolescents that I knew of at the time, including myself, who did not clash with their parents, especially girls with their mothers, regularly.  Didn't you?  ;)
Regardless of her father's status islamically (i.e. that he has no claim to her), she herself still regards him as her father, and that's the most important thing to her.  Preventing her from seeing him will not help your relationship with her at all, and it will only push her to try harder, perhaps to a point that you'll be completely powerless (i.e. running away from home to live with him).  

All I can say is that I am sure she is going through a "phase" and that she'll eventually come round.  You have done your best to help her understand that this dunya is not all there is, she knows that deep inside, but right now she doesn't really care all that much.

I have a few words of advice:  Try to get her together with people her age that are Muslim and yet still know how to have "halal" fun together.  You alone will probably not be able to influence her as she gets older but friends and their influence become increasingly important.
Also somehow see if there's any way she can get into volunteer work, not necessarily for Muslims, it can even be helping out at a soup kitchen or something where she can not only be a great example of a Muslim helping those in need regardless of who they are, but she can also keep herself busy, and maybe get a little insight.
May Allah help you through all this.  Remember, you can only do your best, and it's all in Allah's hands.
Re: Problems with daughter after reversion
Mona
04/09/05 at 05:21:49
[slm]

Sister, you may already know that many muslim teenagers who live in the Canada/US have a real tough time coping with the "dual" identities. In fact many of them slide into the wrong route even though they have very good parents.  

So, keep trying with your daughter because her situation must be really trying to her at this time.  You are on the right track by making her say her prayers, memorise Qur'an, and wear hijab.  Try to let her have halal fun though so she does not feel like she is missing out.  Find ways that will make her feel that Islam makes her unique and better than others.  Like, get her really nice gifts at eids, buy her nice frilly hijabs and outfits.  Bribery works at this age.  Don't expect her to be responsible and to know what is for dunya and is for akhira just yet.  This comes with persistent and patient teaching.

I concur with M.F., suggest volunteering to her.  Like at the local hospital or at the food bank.  It would help a lot if she can find muslim teenagers who will be up to her cool standards.  Maybe you should contact the MYNA chapter in your city??

Also, talk to other muslim parents, they may have helpful tips on how to deal with teenage issues.

Take care
wassalam
Mona


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