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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Imam organizes singles retreat for marriage-minded |
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| jannah |
| 04/14/05 at 18:12:38 |
| Imam organizes singles retreat for marriage-minded By Andrea Useem Special to The Examiner Khadija, wife of the Prophet Mohammed, the 7th-century founder of Islam, is revered by Muslims for her piety and wisdom. But Imam Mohamed Magid, speaking to a crowd of Muslim singles last weekend, praised her for another reason: having the guts to pursue an attractive man. "He was the best catch, and she made her move," said Mohamed, explaining how Khadija proposed marriage to the Prophet Mohammed, 20 years her junior. "In Islam, you need to be proactive. There is nothing wrong with aggressively looking for a spouse." This counsel from Magid, director of the All Dulles Area Muslim Society, is practical for a number of reasons: For observant Muslims who want to marry people who share their faith, the pool of potential spouses is small in a country where Muslims comprise less than 1 percent of the population. And when bars and nightclubs are off-limits - observant Muslims try to avoid alcohol and the sexually charged atmosphere often found in nightclubs - opportunities for meeting members of the opposite sex are even more limited. Bringing 100 D.C.-area singles together for a daylong Companionships retreat in Sterling was a way of filling the gap, said Magid, who organized the event with his wife and a handful of married couples. "You meet other Muslims when you're growing up, or in college," said Nazia Abbas, one of the retreat organizers. "But that's not when you're thinking about marriage." 'Everyone's in the same boat' Once in the work force, young people are unlikely to come across fellow Muslims, "and they suddenly find themselves a lot older than they expect." Singles come to a structured event like Companionships, said Abbas, when more traditional avenues - family, friends, online Muslim marriage sites - have been exhausted. "My family has organized some introductions for me," said one 25-year-old graduate student, whose parents emigrated to the United States from Pakistan before she was born. "The boy and his family come over and sit down with me and my parents," but conversation in that setting was "extremely awkward and stilted," said the woman, wearing a textured gray head scarf. The singles retreat offered a more comfortable setting, she said, "because everyone's in the same boat." Seating more than one male or female at each small table kept conversation flowing, she added. The hues of faith Through the 10-hour retreat, youngish men with stylishly trimmed beards and women in their 20s and 30s - some in headscarves and flowing robes, others in business casual - heard lectures about marriage as a "spiritual partnership" and shared get-to-know-you exercises. In one, the singles chose verses from the Quran, Islam's holy book, for discussion. "They can learn whether someone comes from a [more mystically oriented] Sufi background, or a conservative or liberal background," Magid said. Because the bad news is that it's not enough to find an attractive Muslim to marry - most singles want to find one with a compatible approach to religion. The religious outlook of spouses will dramatically shape the resulting union. In some conservative Muslim households, for example, women expect to stay at home while their husbands work, and both consider a large number of children a blessing. For those with more liberal interpretations, husband and wife may both work, while dividing household tasks between them. "My religion is becoming more and more important to me," said a 28-year-old attorney with neatly matching jewelry. "A few years ago, I would have compromised and married someone just because he was born into a Muslim family. Now I'm looking for more than just a label," she said. For Ahmed Hussain, 30, religious considerations have promp-ted painful choices. He had an eight-month long relationship with a Muslim woman who was "beautiful and sweet, but not strong in religion." When he made hajj, the ritual pilgrimage to Mecca, he prayed for God's guidance. After he returned to the U.S., he let the relationship end. "That was a hard choice. But you need to do what's right for your religion," Hussain said. 'Love Allah and set the date' Magid advises singles to use a special Arabic prayer, known as Al Istikhara, or "The Choice," if they are thinking of marrying someone. The prayer reads, in part: "Oh God, if you know this person to be good for my faith, and my life and destiny, then bless and facilitate our union. But if this person will be bad for me, then send me someone better and make me satisfied with" him or her. God's answer to this prayer may simply be a feeling in the heart, as Magid said he experienced when first meeting his wife-to-be. Translating courtship into Islamic terms, however, is not always so simple. In classical Muslim law, physical contact of any kind between unmarried people is prohibited and premarital sex is a major sin. How, then, can singles get to know each other before proposing? At one conservative matrimonial Web site, Muttaqun.com, women must be formally represented by an older male guardian, or wali, who negotiates the courtship with the prospective groom, as recommended by Islamic law. "Muslims do not date and fall in love. Muslims love Allah and set the date," wrote Imam Abdul-Maalik Luqman, who runs the site from Winter Park, Fla. At the retreat in Sterling, guidelines were more relaxed. If participants took an interest in someone at the retreat, they were encouraged to contact an organizer to further the relationship. "But this is for practical reasons, not religious ones," explained Magid. Follow-up might include talking by phone or e-mail, meeting in a public place, or meeting with a third person as informal chaperone. These flexible solutions to the challenges of Islamic dating and marriage symbolize the larger project of building an American Muslim culture, said Suhaib Albarzinji, a retreat organizer. Like him, many at the event were American-born children of immigrants who could not rely on the matchmaking networks their parents used. "Our generation of Muslims, we have to figure things out on our own," he said. |
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