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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Wondering about marrying young?? |
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| Anonymous |
| 04/27/05 at 23:32:40 |
| Assalam Alaikum, Hey all, how is everyone? Well recently my sister got engaged and it made me think a lot of marriage, and when I would be doing it. I was thinking in specific of this one person I would be interested in. He has a very good background, smart, and our families have been friends for a while . But he is about 8 yrs. older than me , and you wouldn't neccesarily say that I'm of "marrying" or of getting engaged age. But I was Wondering on what i should do, because I think that he would be a good person to think about. But i'm worried by the time i get older it'll be too late. I'm sorry if it's hard to understand what I'm trying to say , it was hard for me to explain. But thank you for reading it ,and thanks for the replies! Sallams =) |
| 06/01/05 at 01:26:11 |
| Anonymous |
| hmm |
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| jannah |
| 04/27/05 at 23:36:01 |
| wlm, why not get engaged... by the time that whole process goes thru (usually like a year) and u start planning the wedding that can take up to 2 years... so unless ur like 15 or something, suggest it to ur sister and perhaps she can take it from there... |
| do whats right |
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| onemuslimgirl |
| 04/28/05 at 17:01:41 |
| asalam alakum, do what you think is right Islamically and will please Allah, and Allah will give you whats right for you. |
| Good idea |
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| sal |
| 04/30/05 at 03:53:10 |
| [quote author=jannah link=board=madrasa;num=1114659160;start=0#1 date=04/27/05 at 23:36:01]wlm, why not get engaged... by the time that whole process goes thru (usually like a year) and u start planning the wedding that can take up to 2 years... so unless ur like 15 or something, suggest it to ur sister and perhaps she can take it from there... [/quote] I think this is very good idea |
| Does he know tat u are interested in him? |
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| IslamLover |
| 04/30/05 at 08:47:34 |
| Asalam Sister, If you dont mind me asking how old are you and how old is the guy tat u are interested in, because one of my frends is in a similar situation she is 18 and the guy is 25 she feels tat she is not ready yet and because of the age gap it means tat he will probably wnt to get married in the near future. I suppose if ur ready for it and so is he i suggest tat u get engaged but i wudnt recommend u to stay engaged for a long time because something may go wrong during the time. Ive heard stories of people being engaged for years and then end up not marrying each other i suppose it depends on your age and if you both are ready for it. Anyway good luck and i wish you all the best inshallah IslamLover |
| yes |
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| Muslimah08 |
| 05/03/05 at 20:05:22 |
| [slm] well i am 15 and the person is around 20-22 , i kno it's a big age gap. thats y i was kind of scared to post.And he hasn't purposed anything about it . It was just my personal feelings. JazakAllah. [wlm] |
| 05/03/05 at 20:10:43 |
| Muslimah08 |
| WOW |
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| Trustworthy |
| 05/04/05 at 01:25:18 |
| [slm]... DANG Girl!!! You are waaaaay too young to be thinking about marraige, yeah, and boys. He he he. Still you're too young. Think more on career and good deeds like dawa and spending time with family. No worries....in do time, the time will come when it's right. By then, age won't matter at all. You'll be thinking about his Iman, insha Allah, instead. Please QUIT IT. I was engaged at 15 due to promise made to Mom (long story) and we made a verbal contract between our parents that we would not marry until after High School graduation and he would have to allow me the right to go to college, etc. Engagement lasted for about 1.5 yrs or so. He broke it off. Geuss he couldn't wait that long. So speaking from experience, quit thinking about marraige until you get about 18 or so. Now this doesn't mean to not have your family look out for one, just you not worry about it. *marraige at 15.....dang! poor baby* Allah (SWT) bless.... Ma-assalaamah.... |
| lol |
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| Muslimah08 |
| 05/05/05 at 18:48:45 |
| [slm] lol..thanx ...i kno im young but i guess i just caught up with waht seems like everyone getting married or enganged around me ...kinda like when u see evryone one with a baby u start wanting one ..well maybe thats just me ;D thanx again sister [wlm] |
| Marrying in young age .... |
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| faisalsb |
| 05/06/05 at 02:07:11 |
| [slm] First of all I don't think sister muslimah08 is thinking about anything which is WRONG as long as she is adult there is no harm in getting married. Particularly Islamically it's encouraged to get the girls married as soon as they reach the age of puberty and Holy Prophet [saw] encouraged boys to get married as soon as they can afford their marriage. (That afford doesn't mean lavish marriage parties, expensive customs and luxury living standard what we see nowadays) BUT at the same time girls are also encouraged to study and seek knowledge. Now it depends on indivisual either he/she can manage both things togather I mean his/her marriage as well as studies. I can recall one example she was our Islamic Studies teacher. She got married when she was only a school graduate. Latter on she kept on having kids as well as passing exams and she ended up doing her Masters in Islamic Studies and having around a dozen of kids. And mashallah all of her kids were brilliant I can recall few of them one was doctor, other one was Army Officer etc So I'll say it depends on the indivisual how he/she manages his/her affairs but in case of sister Muslimah08 it more sounds like a crush instead of any serious marriage proposal. |
| ok |
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| Muslimah08 |
| 05/06/05 at 18:52:54 |
| [slm] yah maybe .. [wlm] |
| I think you are too young |
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| IslamLover |
| 05/07/05 at 16:23:47 |
| Asalam Sister, You said that you are 15 years old, i really think that you are far too young too be thinking about marriage. You have too get married wen you feel ready and am a pretty sure that you aren't ready at this age. I would advice you to prepare for your future and think about your education and career, you may feel now that this person is the right one but there will be many others who you will be interesed in when you are older. You should make the most of life now that you have time to yourself because when your older you have to put others before your self i.e. husband, children etc. IslamLover |
| the fever |
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| se7en |
| 05/08/05 at 13:33:05 |
| as salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah, [quote]i kno im young but i guess i just caught up with waht seems like everyone getting married or enganged around me ...kinda like when u see evryone one with a baby u start wanting one[/quote] seems to me you have marriage fever :) it happens when a lot of people around a person seem to be getting married or engaged; it's inevitable that you start thinking about marriage too.. especially with all the excitement of wedding and honeymoon planning, your friends moving on to new things, and them getting to experience the coolness of having a husband :) It doesn't matter what age you are, it hits all of us once our friends start getting hooked up.. if you know that you're not ready for marriage now, you can think about all the POSITIVES of being single: -- having free time to chill with friends, talk on the phone for hours, read, travel, go to conferences, sleep over friend's houses, surf the net, etc... -- when people are over, your mom has to do most of the hosting/cooking, not you :-P -- having other people there (the rest of your fam) to help out with household chores -- not having to stress about things like finances and bills, raising children, in-laws and I'm sure you can think of many other things. so.. just remember that Allah is incredibly merciful, and whatever He has in store for you is good for you.. My advice: be happy.. enjoy life.. don't stress about these things :) have an awesome time at your sister's wedding, insha'Allah :) take care, 7 |
| 05/08/05 at 13:38:11 |
| se7en |
| yg;lbkji, |
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| Muslimah08 |
| 05/08/05 at 15:50:32 |
[slm] thank you IslamLover , for the advice, i realized how young i was...lol :) lol thanx 7, thats so tru :D |
| Another Q |
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| Anonymous |
| 06/01/05 at 01:25:35 |
| Assalam-Aleikum Just recently I got purposed to and Mash'Allah the man is very nice(Islamically and everything) but the prob. is I am still young and have not graduated high school yet. I know you'll prob. say i'm to young and should live life first, but the person is really good MashAllah and I think he eould be perfect.I'm thinking if I wait until I grad. 2 yrs. and we're engaged the whole time , the engagment will break because we've waited so long, or there will be someone else who is already grad. and ready. Maybe I am just being over-dramatic, but does anyone have any advice? Please it would be very appreciated. Any idea on what I should do , or if there is a way , to maybe get around the law about having to be 18 , or just anything. Thank you. Wasallam |
| I... |
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| Lovin_Niqaab |
| 06/19/05 at 21:05:50 |
| [slm] I got married young, and it was great alhamdulillah. I have been married for a few years now and I'm very happy. Age of marriage really depends on the persons level of mature thinking and capabilities, so there is no one rule for everyone. Some women are, mashallah, very mature at 16 and can easily keep house and take on the responsabilities of being a wife and enjoy doing so. Other woman are 35 and their parents wouldn't dare giving them away in marriage. So, it's on a person to person basis in my opinion, wallahu aalam. About age gaps, it's really a no brainer for me. Age is truly just a number. My bestfriend got married at 17 years old, and she is in love with her husband and he with her. They are, Mashallah, an amazing couple and there is so much love and affection between them, it can make you green, Mashallah. They have one daughter, and love her and each other like there is no tomorrow. He was 35 when they married. And they've been married for 7 years now Mashallah Tabarak Allah. So age is not of much importance for me, personally, and I don't think 8 years is such an age gap as some people might think. Wallahu Allam. This is of my personal opinion. [wlm] |
| 06/19/05 at 21:08:35 |
| Lovin_Niqaab |
| responsibility |
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| theOriginal |
| 06/20/05 at 11:48:03 |
| [slm] Do you guys honestly think that it comes down to whether or not a woman can take on the responsibilities of marriage? It's weird, I disagree with that theory completely, because unless she's incredibly young (15, 16..maybe even 17), the responsibility factor doesn't really even arise. I think most women are more than capable of handling a lot of things, including marriage. I think it's just as great a test of responsibility to be married as it is to be single. It's a lot easier to take on responsibility when you have to, but to take on responsibility when you don't have to, is possibly even more admirable. I'm not saying that most single women go off and decide to adopt a village, they don't. But I have come across many, many women who have not gotten married (some of them because they couldn't), and have done so much with their lives, mashaAllah la quwwata illah billah. It's just about handling life in general. Come what may. I'm just saying, I know this wasn't the point of the sister's post, but a 35 yr old woman who has not been able to get married for whatever reason, is disjunct from the whole issue of responsibility altogether. And being responsible for something she doesn't have to be responsible for involves that much more sacrifice, and that much more humility... The end of my rant. Wasalaam. |
| 06/20/05 at 12:23:19 |
| theOriginal |
| Responsability... |
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| Lovin_Niqaab |
| 06/20/05 at 16:05:20 |
| [slm] I'm not saying an older woman is not responsible, as I too know many older woman who are not married and have done some quite amazing things for themselves, their families, and the Muslim community as a whole. It's just that in some SPECIFIC cases, she may not be ready to be able to think of another person besides herself. And so, although many suitors may come knocking at her door, she herself knows that she is just not ready to take THAT particular step. Just last January, a good friend of mine, who is 16, got married to an amazing young man, who is also young at 23. Although their ages seem to be the perfect set up for disaster, they both posses a kind of know, a kind of unselfishness and consideration for each other that I think, Wallahu Aalam, is what will contribute to their long, loving marriage inshallah. It's really not a case of doing, saying, taking, or being. It's simply, in my opinion, the fact that it's not just me anymore. That's a kind of knowledge, a kind of wisdom that does not belong to a particular age or kind. It just is. Wallahu Aalam. [wlm] |
| orange and yellow |
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| theOriginal |
| 06/21/05 at 00:19:09 |
| [slm] I think essentially we're saying the same thing. I'm just redefining the problem, because I don't see it as an issue of responsibility or irresponsibility. Even a 16 yr old who is getting married, my concern for her is not that she might be too irresponsible to handle the dues of marriage, but just that she might lack maturity to do so, and given that muslim cultures (not the muslim culture) predestine that marriage will involve much, much more than simply a husband and his wife, there needs to be some pre-wedding thinking involved. Btw, I wasn't referring to your friend...may Allah keep them both very happy. Now, on the same token, a 35 yr old MUSLIM woman who is not married, I am pretty certain, is that way not because her parents think she will be unable to handle it. Whole different set of issues there... So my whole point is that if you want to marry young, go ahead. But just make sure you have a set of very supportive parents and in-laws, that you have done the istikhara, and that you are acting on the basis of WHAT you THINK is right over and above HOW you FEEL about the guy. Like it's important, but not necessarily the most important thing. At 16, the world is peachy oRange (and oRange is a fantastic color)...and you would never imagine that people have things like marital problems. But at my age, with the majority of my friends being married at this point, nothing is perfect. And that's fine, it doesn't have to be, but it's not orange like the dutch soccer team orange anymore. Wow, I'm taking this orange thing too far. I can't help it. I have a Mark Rothko "Orange and Yellow" stuck on my wall. (He's a dead painter) Wasalaam. |
| Orange Is A Beautiful Color... |
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| Lovin_Niqaab |
| 06/21/05 at 15:17:28 |
| [slm] :-[ Your right. I agree completely. Like you said, we are pretty much saying the same thing. You just have better wording than I do ;). I don't think there is anything wrong with being a woman who is "past marriage age" (as muslim cultures would define it) and not married. It speaks nothing negative to me except that she expects a lot more from a man than most. Which is an amazingly beautiful thing, to me anyway. :-* |
| soo. |
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| Muslimah08 |
| 06/22/05 at 18:01:17 |
| [slm] So it is allowed to get married befor the legal age?? ..Just wonderin I did a post a while back about this and no one answered...? Jazkallah [wlm] |
| Salam.. |
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| Lovin_Niqaab |
| 06/22/05 at 21:01:36 |
| [slm] For people who do get married before the legal age, they usually just not register it until they are of legal age or a bit beyond. So on all your papers you would fill in single, Miss instead of Mrs., and all that. You would be married Islamically but not legally. Wallahu Aalam... |
| thnkya |
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| Muslimah08 |
| 06/22/05 at 21:57:08 |
[slm] ohh ..ok JazakAllah kheir for answering me :-* Sallams |
| Salam... |
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| Lovin_Niqaab |
| 06/22/05 at 22:02:23 |
| [slm] No problem honey... :-[ [wlm] |
| pmin' |
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| Muslimah08 |
| 06/22/05 at 22:24:38 |
| [slm] I sent you a pm by the way :) |
| early marriage |
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| Aabidah |
| 06/28/05 at 14:35:56 |
| Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah, I'm the laaast person who should be talking about this subject matter being not married and all but I would like to comment on a couple of things that Muslimah brought up. 1. Legal age of marriage: Even though we live in the United States, the age for marriage in Islam depends on many factors, including the brothers/sisters' mindset, financial ability, maturity and so on. So, inshaAllah when you're considering marriage always focus on the Sunnah of Rasulullah [saw] and the characteristics his wives possessed. 2. Getting married at 15 or 16 is not a big deal, like some people had pointed out. True, you want to grow as a person and make decisions that will determine what path you'll take school/career/life wise. However, there are many women and men who want to get married, who want that special bond and relationship that married couples share, who want to start and raise a family, etc. Agreeing with what somebody had said earlier, it depends on you and what you want and the most important question, if you are ready for it. Like se7en had said, a lot of us see our friends getting married and that influences us in a way that we start thinking about it and realize that we want to get married as well. That feeling comes natural alhamdulillah but at the same time, you should ask yourself if that's what i really want. Alhamdulillah sometimes marriage comes to us instead of us asking for it. But in any case, the way to know for sure is to pray istikharah. It is the ultimate du`aa that if marrying somebody is khayr for you, then Allah (swt) will faciliate it and make it easy for you. If, however, it is not meant for you, then Allah (swt) will pull you away from it. So, whether it's a marriage issue or anything else, remember to make istikharah and inshaAllah Allah (swt) will lead you in the right path. Anyways, i apologize for writing so much....take care inshaAllah and may Allah (swt) guide you and all of us on the true path of Islam, ameen. wassalamu alaikum, Aabidah |
| mmm |
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| Muslimah08 |
| 06/28/05 at 16:15:45 |
| JazakAllah-Kheir :-X |
| not too young!!! |
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| Sabrine |
| 07/07/05 at 19:47:23 |
| As salam alaikum, I would first like to mention that I didn't read all the posts so if this is redundant I am sorry! I am writing in responce to the person who said that "dang you are way too young to get married." 1. Sister Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) Married prophet Muhammed [saw]at 13 years of age. 2. If you are feeling this way I deffinetly think you should talk too your parents about this to avoid doing something that you regret (maybe). They may have some insight to your situation. 3. In Canada you can legally be married at 16 years if your parents are witnesses and sign something ( I think a contract). 4. Many sister's and brother's get married young, and there are many pluses to marrying young. For instance you will more than likely have a very strong bond, first love thing whatever. I say go for it, Khadija proposed to prophet Muhammed [saw] after all. [wlm] |
| hmm.. |
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| Muslimah08 |
| 07/08/05 at 23:07:13 |
| [quote author=Sabrine link=board=madrasa;num=1114659160;start=20#26 date=07/07/05 at 19:47:23]As salam alaikum, 2. If you are feeling this way I deffinetly think you should talk too your parents about this to avoid doing something that you regret (maybe). They may have some insight to your situation. 3. In Canada you can legally be married at 16 years if your parents are witnesses and sign something ( I think a contract). [wlm][/quote] [slm] 2. Yes Exaclty, There's so much fitnah in the wolrd now-a-days , Astugfirullah, I just want to be safe from all of it. And if I marry young then I think I will be. I know a sister who married young , I mean in my eyes there's nothing wrong with it. but Wa Allahu Alim. 3. Really ? That's interesting. So if Islamically you get married but you're young (under 18), can you get in trouble legally here in the US ? Maybe I should do that ...j/p ;) JazakAllah Khair! Wassalam :-* |
| ( Re: Wondering about marrying young?? ) |
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| Barr |
| 07/12/05 at 11:51:32 |
| [slm] warahmatullah, Afwan, but Aisha (r.a) the wife of Ar-Rasul, married him earlier than that age. Though in Islam, it is generally permissable to marry after the girl has reached puberty, there are still many factors to think about before deciding on marriage, such as those mentioned by Aabidah. On the other hand, it is not necessarily the wisest idea for a sister to get married as soon as possible or while very young. Many dynamics play a role. As much as marrying young may prevent a lot of fitnah from happening, it can also cause a lot of fitnah as well. With regards to marrying below the legal age as stipulated by the country, is doing something illegal the most Islamic thing to do? We have to bear in mind that a Muslim is true to his/her covenant. And once a person becomes a citizen or a resident of a country, he/ she is also binded by the convenent to be a law-abiding citizen. The sister must also consider what are the consequences of breaking the law. If the authorities found out of their illegal action, what would become of her, if her husband lands in jail and the consequences of that in the future? What happens if her husband divorces or abuses her? Would her rights still be upheld, bearing in mind that the husband do not have anything black and white to enforce his responsibilities on her. What if she gets pregnant/ hv children? How would the state and/ or society deem the children to be? What if they got a divorce after having children. Again, would she be able to claim her rights as well as that of her children? I think these and other issues need to be thoroughly thought of before someone decides to get married under the legal age of the state. Also, it's best to consult a scholar who is not only well versed with the texts, but the context of of the situation to advise what is the best thing to do. Allahua'lam |
| Not Illegal |
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| Sabrine |
| 07/12/05 at 14:43:39 |
| [slm] this is for Barr who said: "With regards to marrying below the legal age as stipulated by the country, is doing something illegal the most Islamic thing to do? We have to bear in mind that a Muslim is true to his/her covenant. And once a person becomes a citizen or a resident of a country, he/ she is also binded by the convenent to be a law-abiding citizen." In Canada if you are younger than 18 you can still be LEGALLY married under the CONSTITUTION of this Country if you have the written permission of your parents or guardians(at the age of 16 and above). I am not illeging that anyone do anything that is not legal. I too agree that we must follow the laws of the country in which we live or are visiting. I am sorry if they way I phrased my comment mislead you or anyone else! Jazak Allahu Khairan |
| 07/12/05 at 14:50:14 |
| Sabrine |
| jazakallah |
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| Muslimah08 |
| 07/12/05 at 15:04:37 |
| [slm] jazakAllah khair , I was just kidding by the way...and about "What if she gets pregnant/ hv children? How would the state and/ or society deem the children to be?" beacuse she's illegally married or b/c she's young.? |
| re |
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| Barr |
| 07/13/05 at 16:58:18 |
| [wlm] warahmatullah, Afwan, my post above is in response to the question of marrying below the legal age. I'm just sharing my thoughts for sisters to explore all options and look at the situation vastly rather than at a shallow stance. Its not my intention to allude that sisters want to break the law, and neither did it come across my mind. [quote]"What if she gets pregnant/ hv children? How would the state and/ or society deem the children to be?" beacuse she's illegally married or b/c she's young.? [/quote] Because she's illegally married. Jazakumullahu khair Wassalamu'alaikum :) |
| 07/13/05 at 16:59:21 |
| Barr |
| f |
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| Muslimah08 |
| 07/14/05 at 21:34:15 |
| [slm] oh ok , JazakAllah Khair , Everyone's opinions are very appreciated :) And I'd love more if anyone else wants to say anything Wassalam |
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