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| Questions to ask prospective partner |
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| IslamLover |
| 06/16/05 at 08:35:08 |
| Asalam Sisters, Recently i have been interested in someone for marriage and i waz wonderin wat sort of questions cud i ask him? do you know any links to websites that have these questions because i remember going on one that had these questions but i dont rememeber which website it waz? Do you know wat sort of questions i cud ask him and cud you pray tat everything goes well because i really do feel that this person is the one for me!!! Asalam IslamLover |
| I Really should keep this at the top! |
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| Kathy |
| 06/16/05 at 08:56:46 |
| Questions to ask a prospective husband Madinat Al-Muslimeen's Version: 100 Premarital Questions 1) What is your concept of marriage? 2) Have you been married before? 3) Are you married now? 4) What are you expectations of marriage? 5) What are your goals in life? (long and short term) 6) Identify three things that you want to accomplish in the near future. 7) Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long term. 8) Why have you chosen me/other person as a potential spouse? 9) What is the role of religion in your life now? 10) Are you a spiritual person? 11) What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage? 12) What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously? 13) What is your relationship between yourself and the Muslims community in your area? 14) Are you volunteering in any Islamic activities? 15) What can you offer your zawj (spouse), spiritually? 16) What is the role of the husband? 17) What is the role of the wife? 18) Do you want to practice polygamy? 19) What is your relationship with your family? 20) What do you expect your relationship with the family of your spouse to be? 21) What do you expect your spouses relationship with your family to be? 22) Is there anyone in your family living with you now? 23) Are you planning to have anyone in your family live with you in the future? 24) If, for any reason, my relationship with your family turns sour, what should be done? 25) Who are your friends? (Identify at least three.) 26) How did you get to know them? 27) Why are they your friends? 28) What do you like most about them? 29) What will your relationship with them after marriage be? 30) Do you have friends of the opposite sex? 31) What is the level of your relationship with them now? 32) What will be the level of your relationship with them after marriage? 33) What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends? 34) What are the things that you do in your free time? 35) Do you love to have guests in your home for entertainment? 36) What are you expecting from your spouse when your friends come to the house? 37) What is your opinion of speaking other languages in home that I do not understand? (with friends or family) 38) Do you travel? 39) How do you spend your vacations? 40) How do you think your spouse should spend vacations? 41) Do you read? 42) What do you read? 43) After marriage, do you think that you are one to express romantic feelings verbally? 44) After marriage, do you think that you want to express affection in public? 45) How do you express your admiration for someone that you know now? 46) How do you express your feelings to someone who has done a favor for you? 47) Do you like to write your feelings? 48) If you wrong someone, how do you apologize? 49) If someone has wronged you, how do you want (s)he to apologize to you? 50) How much time passes before you can forgive someone? 51) How do you make important and less important decisions in your life? 52) Do you use foul language at home? In public? With family? 53) Do your friends use foul language? 54) Does your family use foul language? 55) How do you express anger? 56) How do you expect your spouse to express anger? 57) What do you do when you are angry? 58) When do you think it is appropriate to initiate mediation in marriage? 59) When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise, how should the conflict get resolved? 60) Define mental, verbal, emotional and physical abuse. 61) What would you do if you felt that you had been abused? 62) Who would you call for assistance if you were being abused? 63) Do you suffer from any chronic disease or condition? 64) Are you willing to take a physical exam by a physician before marriage? 65) What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition? 66) How do you support your own health and nutrition? 67) What is you definition of wealth? 68) How do you spend money? 69) How do you save money? 70) How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage? 71) Do you have any debts now? If so, how are you making progress to eliminate them? 72) Do you use credit cards? 73) Do you support the idea of taking loans to buy a new home? 74) What are you expecting from your spouse financially? 75) What is your financial responsibility in the marriage? 76) Do you support the idea of a working wife? 77) If so, how do you think a dual-income family should manage funds? 78) Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances? 79) Who are the people to whom you are financially responsible? 80) Do you support the idea of utilizing baby sitters and/or maids? 81) Do you want to have children? If not, how come? 82) To the best of your understanding, are you able to have children? 83) Do you want to have children in the first two years of marriage? If not, when? 84) Do you believe in abortion? 85) Do you have children now? 86) What is your relationship with your children now? 87) What is your relationship with their other parent? 88) What relationship do you expect your spouse to have with your children and their parent? 89) What is the best method(s) of raising children? 90) What is the best method(s) of disciplining children? 91) How were you raised? 92) How were you disciplined? 93) Do you believe in spanking children? Under what circumstances? 94) Do you believe in public school for your children? 95) Do you believe in Islamic school for your children? 96) Do you believe in home schooling for your children? 97) What type of relationship should your children have with non-Muslim classmates/friends? 98) Would you send your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or country? 99) What type of relationship do you want your children to have with all their grandparents? 100) If there are members of my family that are not Muslim, that are of different race or culture, what type of relationship do you want to have with them? Questions Women WISH they could really ask : 1. If u came home from work and there was no food and just a note that said 'salam honey i went to the halaqa at the mosque' how would u feel? 2. Are you pro PDA or anti PDA? 3. How much of a mama's boy are u? 4. Do you plan on changing me after marriage? If so, what aspects? 5. What kind of gifts would u get your wife? If any? 6. Are u unreasonably jealous? 7. Are u into the traditional role of the wife? 8. Would u be actively involved in raising the kids? 9. Are u a compassionate, romantic, kind person? 10. How many nights a week will u cook dinner? Men’s Questions 1) Can I see your room...particularly your bathroom?. (I.e. are you clean or a slob...) (2) Are you organized or scatterbrained? (My mom ranks this kind of question quite highly as she says girls haveto be quite organized to run a household.) (3) (A real wierd one) Do you walk into the bathroom barefoot? (Another cleanliness question.-- barefootitis is so --urrr -- gross....) (4) Do you consider yourself smart or stupid or typical? (Some guys (like me) are so stupid that they desperatelyneed someone intelligent to make up for their idiocy. But i guess a person who said they were smart wouldprobably be full of themself......well i donno know....?) (5) Do you like sports? NFL? --Anybody who can watch 2 NFL games on sunday afternoon and be eager to watch Monday Night Football on Monday has got to be a major league timewaster and bum , but nevertheless a very coolgirl. And any girl who actually understands American football is a genius....I mean I've been watching it since Iwas like 5....and I still don't really understand it. (6) Are you clingy or independent? -- Independent people are soooo much cooler (7) What did you think of the Matrix (the first one)? -- The Matrix was the coolest movie ever. Anybody not appreciating that is a bit odd (8) Are you an avid music fan? Music is a very dangerous thing (mostly) -- it has its uses -- but in england we havethis phenom of hijabi sisters addicted to MTV which is kind of odd and funny.....and not a very good thing (9) My Mum comes to stay....will you kick her out? (10) My Bro and sis crash at my place.....do you kick me out? (11) Like traveling? Arggggh --- i hate it. Girls who like traveling should sign up for the Peace Corr (12) Will you spend all of my money and then kick me out after I run out of it? (13) What do you think of divorce? What probationary period will you give a guy before you dump him? Twohours? 24 hours? 48 hours? 7 days? A month? 3 years? (14) Ever had a b-friend? (Touchy issue for some...) (15) Ever taken Prozac or similar stuff? (This Q is a killer) (16) Do you experience serious mood swings? (This is the really scary thing about girls.....why can't girls be more like guys?) (17) How much money do you make if any? (Ok...this is a joke...but anybody who makes lots more money than theguy is really cool....but then again they might.....like walk all over the guy all the time........) (18) Do you like bathroom jokes? (I.e are you too serious?) (19) Religious type like questions....what do wanna do in life.....what is your purpose o life....stuff like that.... (20) Kids? (Argh....I'm too young to think about these things....) and lastly.... (21) Ever been arrested for physical assault on a guy? When choosing a partner, there are numerous issues which may lead to friction and conflict. Following the principle that prevention is better than cure, it seems wise to air these issues before a match is finalized. Some of the issues may appear trivial or mundane, but the stuff of everyday life is also the stuff of arguments! Other issues are more serious, and may be indicative of the potential for a stormy and abusive marriage. Each marriage will have its ups and downs, but settling some of these matters may avoid the emergence of major, insoluble problems and consequent heartbreak. These are all questions that may be asked directly or else "researched" by observation, asking his relatives, members of the community, etc. The prospective bride may ask some of these questions when the couple meet, but many women may feel too shy to ask outright. Family or friends can also help with the research - in many Muslim countries, relatives of prospective partners often visit to check the person out! Asking/answering such questions is not gheebah or backbiting, and people should not hesitate to tell the truth when it concerns a possible marriage; the intent is to establish whether these two people are compatible. Avoiding a poor match will save all concerned from much heartache. At the same time, whether the marriage proceeds or not, any information thus gathered should be kept confidential - any "faults" uncovered should not be generally broadcast in the community! These suggested questions are derived from two sources: an article entititled "Spousal Abuse and its Prevention" by Br. Abdul Rehman in Islamic Sisters International, and the feedback I received during a workshop I led on "Choosing a Marriage Partner" at the ISSRA Conference on Health and Social Issues, Toronto, May 25, 1996. The Big Issues: (1) What makes him angry and how does he deal with his anger? Does he blame everybody but himself? Does he stop talking to the person involved? Does he bear grudges ("I'll get him back one day!") Has he ever physically or mentally abused anyone with whom he was angry? Does he get angry when those who may be wiser disagree or suggest an alternative point of view? Does he ever forgive those with whom he was angry? (2) How does he behave during a crisis? Does he blame everyone except himself? Does he become hostile towards an uninvolved member of an ethnic group which is known to abuse followers of Islam? What steps does he take to face and deal with pressure? Does he remain optimistic that things will get better, and that after every difficulty comes ease? (3) How does he feel about women's rights in a Muslim home? Did he ever observe abuse from his father towards his mother? Did he ever act to prevent abuse at home? How? Did he believe that his father was always right? Does he believe that all women deserve abuse? How does he make decisions? Does he rely on his own wisdom? Does he consult with close friends? Will he be willing to consult with his spouse on any decision? Does he stick firmly to his decisions? (4) How does he deal with money matters? Does he save his money for the future? Does he give money to charities? When he decides to buy something, will he consult his spouse in making the decision? How does he describe his own spending and attitude towards money? (5) What does he expect from his wife and children? How would he react if his expectations are not met? What is his vision of family life? Would he pitch in and co-operate in family chores and the upbringing of children? Would he be willing to change to accommodate your views? (6) What are his family like? Are his family religious, or will you be the only one in hijab? Does their approach to Islam differ from yours - will you be the only "fundamentalists" in a family whose Islam is more "traditional"? If this is a mixed match, are his folks open to outsiders, or will you face clannishness and exclusion? (7) What is his medical background? (Many Imams in the US are now refusing to conduct Nikah until they see proof that the couple have undergone blood tests and been given a clean bill of health) Has he ever had an AIDS test, and what was the result? Is there any history of major illness in his family? (8) What are his views on education of women and children? Will he allow you to continue and/or return to education? What are his views on education and schooling of children? If you have strong views on Islamic schools, home schooling, etc., find out if his views coincide with yours. Will he take part in the children's upbringing and education? Will he teach them Qur'an? (9) Where does he want to live? Does he want to settle in the country where you now live? Does he want to return to his homeland? Does he want to move to a new country altogether? Will the family have to move frequently because of his profession? Will he take your feelings into account when deciding where to live? Does he aspire to a large and luxurious home, or will he settle for less? Does he want to live in the heart of the city, in the suburbs, or in an isolated rural setting? Day-to-day matters Some of these are individual preferences - what may deeply concern some may not even be an issue to others, but if you have some strong feelings on a matter, it is better to get it out into the open before you make a commitment: (1) Food: Do you agree on the "halal meat" issue - some people will only eat halal-slaughtered meat, whilst others will eat any "meat of the Jews and Christians" as long as it's not pork. Does he insist on only eating the food of his own ethnic group, or are his tastes more eclectic? Will he insist on having every meal cooked from scratch, or will you be able to have convenience food or take-away on busy days? Does he have some strong preferences for meat, or will you "go vegetarian" some days? (2) Smoking: Does he smoke? Do any of his family or friends smoke? Will he let people smoke in your non- smoking home? (3) Going Out: How does he feel about women going outside the home? studying outside? working outside? Will he want to "check out" your friends and only let you visit those of whom he approves? How does he feel about women driving? (4) Pets: Are either of you very keen to keep pets at home? Do either of you have any allergies, dislikes, or phobias when it comes to animals? |
| NS |
| 08/08/05 at 22:39:30 |
| jannah |
| re |
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| siddiqui |
| 06/16/05 at 17:00:10 |
| [slm] Ya Allah ! The Deadly Hundred ! :-/ Momma the questions BY the brothers look relatively benign compared to those FOR the brothers , both the numbers as well as the content seem very biased MashaAllah ::) Boy these are so long I almost fell asleep just reading them and I am sure they will take a life time answering them :P btw when the first question is about anger you really dont know what hit you ;) These questions are just guidelines so customize, customize , customize !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( if the person is smart he/ she will know its lifted directly from jannah.org and hence would be able to anticipate the rest :::::P) so customize…… Avoid the inherent clichés …. Try not to start or end a conversation with a question (just slip them in the middle ;) ) Let not the differences in opinions get personal (Avoid a slanging match) Remember when you ask a ton of questions be ready to answer at least half a ton yourself. The whole process can take longer than a day, week or a month, take one step at a time so don’t send all the hundred at one shot This isn’t an interview, it is getting to know a person, so be prepared to think outside the box (ask outside the list), it is communication, dialogue, or whatever you call it so be considerate, courteous to each other, two people are different and be prepared to discuss/accept differences in opinion (grace works better here than flying pots or pans oops I mean word hazards :P) It’s a two way traffic be prepare to share, some of the answers have well defined answers (based on Islamic principle) some of them don’t , there are many grey areas compounded by differences culture language upbringing etc , these can be virtual emotional minefields so tread with care and caution Some times one needs friends to help you decipher things so choose wisely, Jazakallah khair for them :) May Allah swt make it easy for you Ameen Remember duaa and Isthakhara is the right way to go :-* [wlm] A Survivor ;) Oops Sorry Didn’t realize it was addressed just for the sisters :-[ , Siddiqui, you are in the wrong place dude :o |
| 06/16/05 at 17:15:58 |
| siddiqui |
| Your turn |
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| Kathy |
| 06/16/05 at 18:09:37 |
| [slm] Why don't you write up a hundred for the bros?! I will add them. What do you mean you survived? Are you trying to tell us something? |
| ..- |
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| theOriginal |
| 06/17/05 at 01:19:58 |
| [slm] hahah i love kathy. the subtle "are you trying to tell us something, you survivor you" LOL LOL ... were they directly from jannah.org? ;) I totally agree though with the brother though..."customize".. I also think that a lot of the time, asking the questions, we don't really care about the answer, but how the guy answers it. Also...who ASKS some of these questions ... "Do you like bathroom jokes?" I mean, I'm not always a serious person....but that question would horrify me...say if someone asked me that, I would be like "Um No..as in NO, just NO...please leave my house." (lol) 24) If, for any reason, my relationship with your family turns sour, what should be done haha...that one's setting yourself up for disaster. Wasalaam. |
| Questions to ask prospective partner |
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| Muneerah134 |
| 07/06/05 at 14:32:26 |
| [slm] Very good lists. Customize, customize, you know the rest! I haven't posted in a very long time, but the one thing I found helpful was to observe his family. What kind of upbringing he had and to make sure that mine was transparent and that he met/knew everyone in my family. Unfortunately, in my (now ex)spouse's case, my guardian and I didn't talk to his father at length. MashaAllah, do make sure to observe, and watch and wait. Pay particular attention to child-rearing, money, and anger management issues. Both yours and his. Muneerah :-) [] |
| take note |
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| a_Silver_Rose |
| 07/13/05 at 02:44:16 |
| watch the bros reaction.. is he taking your concerns seriously, is he also asking you questions back i think thats important [ [wlm] |
| Re: Questions to ask prospective partner |
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| jannah |
| 08/08/05 at 22:44:28 |
| These seemed more realistic to me. Found it on some matrimonial site don't agree with everything but seems to cover alot ;) --------------------- 1. what's your name ? 2. what's your nickname ?, if you have one. 3. what's your profile name ( saves confusion, trust me ! ) 4. how old are you ?, how tall are you ?, and how much do you weigh ? 5. what city/town are you from ? 6. what have you studied ? what do you do ?, where do you work ? 7. where you from back home ? your parents ? (please be as specific as possible) 8. what language/s do you speak at home ? 9. why not let your mum/anty/sisters find you a nice partner ? 10. what you looking for in a wife ? 11. are you romantic ? 12. what makes you angry ? 13. when was the last time you got angry and why ? 14. when was the last time you hit somebody and why ? 15. what's the nicest thing you've done for somebody ? 16. what's the nicest thing anybody ever did for you ? 17. what's the worst thing you ever did ? 18. what's the worst thing anybody ever did to you ? 19. most humiliating moment ? 20. do you have a sense of humour ? 21. do you like to/want to travel ? 22. you have a 3-week honeymoon..where would you personally choose to go ? 23. are you ticklish ? 24. describe yourself in three words 25. how do you think others see/perceive you ? 26. what's your best feature ? 27. How important are looks to you ? say, on a scale of one to ten ? 28. are you spontaneous ? 29. something spontaneous that you've done ? 30. imagine its a Friday afternoon, your wife calls you at work and says, " meet me at the airport after work, we're going away for the weekend..." how would you take this ? would you feel that you should be making such decisions for you both ?, would you be irritated that she took matters into her own hands ? 31. do you live with family ? 32. do you intend to live with family after marriage ? 33. how often would you let your wife see her parents ? how much integration would you want with your in-laws ? 34. I expect my husband to be not a son-in-law, but a son to my parents... any comments ? 35. How do you feel about your wife working after marriage ? 36. how many brothers/sisters do you have ? 37. would you hold your wife's hand in public ? are you the kind of husband that would show affection ? ( no arrestable offences thankyou ! ) 38. when was the last time you cried ? (and can I ask why ?) don't answer if you don't want to. 39. do you like children ? 40. how soon would you want to start your family ? 41. This is important, I say my prayers, are you at all religious ?, do you say your prayers ? If not is this something you hope to improve upon ? 42. I wear a scarf and burka ( long coat like garment thingy ), I believe a woman's beauty is only for her husband to look at.. is this a problem ? describe how you see marriage in 3 words.. 43. what do you want from marriage ? 44. do you have a talent ? ( write poetry ?, roll your tongue ?!) 45. I love cars, and this question will make or break it... Japanese or German ?! 46. Any interests/hobbies ? things you like doing ? 47. A word or phrase you over use ? 48. what's your favourite drink ?, flavour of ice-cream ? and chocolate ? 48. do you sleep with one or two pillows ? 49. favourite perfume and after shave ? 50. dream car ?, and the car you currently drive ? 51. imagine its 2am, you're in bed in your pyjamas, and your wife says lets go out for a walk in the moonlight/ lets sit on the roof... how would you respond ? 52. are you fat ?, do you smell ?!, or snore, even ?! 53. if you were a colour, what would you be and why ? 54. if you were a food, what would you be and why ? 55. can you cook ? 56. if you were an animal, what would you be and why ? 57. if you were a tune/lyric, what would you be ? 58. If you had one guaranteed wish, what would it be ? 59. What mobile network are you on ? 60. How honest have you been in answering the above questions (percentage%)? |
| Re: Questions to ask prospective partner |
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| theOriginal |
| 08/09/05 at 00:35:43 |
| [slm] Sounds scary. But some of those questions sound like something I would ask: If you were a color, what would you be and why? HAHAHA!!!! That is TOTALLY something I would ask. Wasalaam. |
| Re: Questions to ask prospective partner |
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| Caraj |
| 08/09/05 at 14:11:25 |
| I have been reading the reaction to Sister Kathy's 100 Questions for nearly 4 years now. If a man and a woman are mature enough to get married, know what they want in life and where they're going. Know what they want to be and what they want in a spouse. Then I don't see each question taking more than 2 mins each to reply to. Which means 200 + minutes. Thus less than 4 hours. Hey Sisters, if you aren't worth 4 hours to a brother then skip him and go to the next. ;) If he can't spend 4 hours with your comfort and assurance in mind, How do you expect him to work 8 hours a day to support a household? Or when baby time comes to care for the children on your occational break? Just my opinion. I mean, are you worth 4 hours of a mans time? Think about it, you'll spend 4 times that much time in a week just cooking and cleaning for that brother once you're married. I remember one young brother a couple years back one of the times this was posted. He said something to the effect that if a sister handed him that list he would run the other way ::) My thought at the time was GOOD RUN RUN RUN save the sister the misery of being married to you. Can't take 4 hours out of your life for her, then you wouldn't deserve her :P |
| Re: Questions to ask prospective partner |
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| Aadhil |
| 08/09/05 at 19:49:50 |
| [slm] [quote author=jannah link=board=sis;num=1118925308;start=0#7 date=08/08/05 at 22:44:28]These seemed more realistic to me. Found it on some matrimonial site don't agree with everything but seems to cover alot ;) --------------------- ...42. I wear a scarf and burka ( long coat like garment thingy ), I believe a woman's beauty is only for her husband to look at.. is this a problem ? describe how you see marriage in 3 words.. ...49. favourite perfume and "after shave" ?...... Uhhhh.....Is it Just me or are these two questions sorta contradictory.... [/quote] |
| Re: Questions to ask prospective partner |
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| jannah |
| 08/09/05 at 20:57:06 |
| wlm, Good point Azizah. I don't think that anyone sits there and asks the guy all the questions one by one like an inquisition, but over time those are all questions you should probably get the answers to in order to know a person for marriage. If we ask anyone engaged, I'm sure they would be able to (I hope) answer all the questions and say what their partner thinks about them. This is just formulating them and perhaps helping any sister/bro who hasn't thought about the particular issues mentioned. P.S. - Muslim, You can wear them in the house!!! BTW the best perfume for husband's to give their wives is 'Romance' ;) and the best guys after shave/cologne has got to be 'Aqua di Gio'. |
| 08/09/05 at 21:13:00 |
| jannah |
| Re: Questions to ask prospective partner |
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| Aadhil |
| 08/10/05 at 13:04:19 |
| [slm] That's not my point.... In the first Q she was talking about wearing a Burka, then the next Q she is asking about After shave...which assumes that the potential husband is beardless... I'm thinking wearing a burka and no beard kinda is like opposites if you get my meaning... Ah well it's just me being picky again :P |
| 08/10/05 at 13:05:19 |
| Aadhil |
| Re: Questions to ask prospective partner |
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| Caraj |
| 08/10/05 at 15:32:30 |
| [quote author=Muslim link=board=sis;num=1118925308;start=10#12 date=08/10/05 at 13:04:19] [slm] In the first Q she was talking about wearing a Burka, then the next Q she is asking about After shave...which assumes that the potential husband is beardless... Ah well it's just me being picky again :P[/quote] Brother Picky, ::) oops I mean Bro Muslim :D NOT necessarily, maybe the brother keeps his beard trimmed on the cheeks and below the jaw line and applies after shave to the areas he trims :P |
| Re: Questions to ask prospective partner |
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| Yasin |
| 09/05/05 at 06:04:18 |
| Assalamu alaikum to you all sisters, I'm single and ready to answer only these questions 1,4,16,17,37,48,49,56,57,63,64.No one cant answer all these 200 something question in four hours unless he is pretending to be a niceguy.If sister thinks answering all these question makes me suitable for her , then I wont answer them.Franky speaking it is wast of time. [quote]Questions Women WISH they could really ask : 1. If u came home from work and there was no food and just a note that said 'salam honey i i went to the halaqa at the mosque' how would u feel? [/quote] No problem for me,I'll cook and keep something for her. I'm so sorry if anyone of you feel offended.... |
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