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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| 40 yrs old, 1st time marriage? |
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| Anonymous |
| 08/03/05 at 11:48:01 |
| As-Salaamu Alaikum, all I will be 40 this month, Muslim most of my life, and currently talking to a Muslim man for possible marriage. I have never been involved with the opposite sex, ever. ( I mention that, due to somethngs I read about virgin women needing a Wali before marriage???) My deceased father died a muslim. One brother newly embraced Islam. Do I still need a Wali at my age? |
| Re: 40 yrs old, 1st time marriage? |
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| onemuslimgirl |
| 08/03/05 at 14:06:17 |
| asalam alakum, good question, i don't know....but inshAllah if u ask an imam they can give u an answer inshAllah...and congrats i hope everything works out for best inshAllah *smile* |
| Re: 40 yrs old, 1st time marriage? |
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| jannah |
| 08/03/05 at 15:08:27 |
| wlm, you can always ask husband's of friends of yours or your imam to be your wali if you do not have one. but yes definitely a good idea to ask the imam and see what he says, after all he will be doing the ceremony! may Allah bless your marriage inshaAllah... you give all us old folks hope ;) |
| Re: 40 yrs old, 1st time marriage? |
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| Fozia |
| 08/03/05 at 16:12:31 |
| [slm] I think your brother may be able to act as your wali, but definitely get it sorted with an Imam at your local Masjid/Islamic centre. Wassalaam |
| 08/03/05 at 16:13:07 |
| Fozia |
| Re: 40 yrs old, 1st time marriage? |
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| anon |
| 08/05/05 at 05:41:53 |
| [slm] In the Hanafi school, a sane adult woman has the right to marry herself, even without the permission of her guardian (wali). If she marries herself to someone who is a suitable match (kuf’) for her, then there is agreement in the school that the marriage is valid and binding. If she married herself to someone who is not a suitable match for her, then the fatwa in the madhhab is that the marriage is invalid. The established transmitted position of Abu Hanifa (dhahir al-riwaya), however, is that even a marriage to a non-suitable match (ghayr kuf’) without the guardian’s consent is valid. However, the guardian (wali) has the right to take the matter to an Islamic judge (qadi) to seek to get the marriage annulled. This position, however, was not chosen for fatwa by the great Hanafi scholars, because of many factors. For details of kuf' (suitable match) see: [url]http://www.sunnipath.com/resources/Questions/qa00000600.aspx[/url] |
| 08/05/05 at 05:48:41 |
| anon |
| Re: 40 yrs old, 1st time marriage? |
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| dmr65 |
| 08/09/05 at 13:32:45 |
| Jazakallah Khair, everyone I've been coming back and reading, but needed to register. I've been here only once a few yrs ago, or perhaps just one. Anyway. I recall reading something over the past yrs about older women or (divorced women??) not necessarily needing a wali, I just was not sure where I could have read it and if they mean women my age and a bit up.. As far as hope.. I didn't think marriage was for me in this life, but everything is still pending until we meet at the ISNA convention. I'm going with friends so, All Praise to Allah, I'll not be alone, nor him. I have to admit to still having my reserves. Could be that it's just always been me, myself and Allah... ;) Salaams, Sis Denise |
| Re: 40 yrs old, 1st time marriage? |
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| jannah |
| 08/09/05 at 15:26:40 |
| Wa iyyaki, Good luck with your meeting inshaAllah. I would ask an Imam.. there will be a lot of them at ISNA so you are in luck!! Take care inshallah ;) |
| Re: 40 yrs old, 1st time marriage? |
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| Desert_Flower |
| 09/14/05 at 08:09:12 |
| Assalamu aleikum Sister, I think you will be on the safer side to ask an Imam, like the others said, and in schah Allah everything works out fine for you. Salam, a sister from Germany :) |
| Re: 40 yrs old, 1st time marriage? |
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| dmr65 |
| 11/20/05 at 10:41:15 |
| Salaams, everyone... Well, I'm back here to let you know what's been going on, and ask some advise.. I met the brother, and well... He basically left me standing.. We met early morning, we went to one seminar, he wanted to talk to some friends after the seminar, proceeded to spend time with them.. I thought, this isn't fair, moved onto use the bathroom, came back and he was gone.. (he at least could have waited for a few mins to see if I would re appear) I did not see him for the whole day until later that afternoon.. All Praise is Due to Allah, my friend and her mom were there at the convention with me. So, I helped out her mom, who was a vendor, then, my girlfriend appeared and we hung around with each other until the brother caught up with us.. We all went to another seminar, after we rested a bit in the hall, he got on the phone talked to a friend, and said, he wanted to go meet his friend coming in from Chicago, and thought to meet up again for dinner, then left me again. After that, I brokedown and cried on my friend's shoulder, told her how I felt about this brother not really caring to spend time with me,(because I knew in my heart, way before the trip there was nothing there for us to continue, but I agreed to give him a chance) So for the 6th time in the 1 yr and 7 months he's been persuing me, I'll have to tell him it's not going to work. She opened my mind to the fact, it could have been Allah's will that this brother showed that side of himself, because I was not using my Allah given sense in the past, when I knew me and this brother were not meant to be.. She said, perhaps Allah had you spend all that money to come all this way to see it for yourself.. Well, I was so so warn out, that I wanted to go home to MN. As my friend and I walked by the the vendor's area, I seen him with a friend very happy and energic... He didn't see me.. Well, I went bck to my hotel room, asked Allah to have m mom call me.. She called and I balled my head off to her. The next day I told the brother how I felt about how he did me ( I was very very kind) but that we're through and I took a early flight home... Weeks later, my friend told me, he had huge shopping bags full of things in his hand, and not once did this brother offer to buy me a cup of coffee and a cookie (which he is very aware I love) in the presence of tons of muslims, there should be no reason for him to feel uncomfortable to offer me a cup of coffee and a cookie. instead after the fact, he dropped off a few books to my friends to give to me on how women should be in Islam.. Um.. I've been Muslim for most of my life, I've been having books on women in Islam, their rights or ways... That's not what I wanted from him, and I've been telling him what kind of women I am... He sent his friend to call me later that week, and I agreed to talk with the brother, only because I thought the most honorable thing to do was for him to tell me why he ignored me, and not ask his friend for the 3rd time in our trying to establish a relationship to call me and make me feel like it was my fault.. When the brother called, I listened to him tell me, he didn't want people to mistake us for being a married couple and that he messed up... I thought, we were there to find out if we were compatible in person, so if you are in the company of Muslims, and someone asks if I were his wife, just say.. No, but I pray to Allah, perhaps here in a Islamic setting, we'll find out if this will come true.. Or something like that.. But, I had already made up my mind, just needed him to do the honorable adult thing and call me, not his friend call me.. So, I suggest we part ways and that I'll make dua that he be blessed with a sister compatible for him. A week later, his friend called me again, we went around and around, and I agreed to give the brother another chance... Dear believers. It's not working... I don't know what else to do.. The brother is not hearing me.. He states he's in love with me, he's been married twice before. He does not live on his own, he roommates with his father and another brother.. I've asked over and over, how will you provide and maintain, he can't seem to answer that... He can't even explain his finances to me, his friend who keeps trying to patch things up between us states, if I do marry him, I'll need lots of sadaqa.... I have been working since the age of 15, have been living on my own since age 25.. I am very very modest in my living, I like nice things, but try not to live above my means... He feels it's not important to live on his own without a wife.. He states, he'll cross that bridge when we get married... I basically don't trust our situation anymor... I'm a communicator, I like to put things on the table and discuss, reflect and prepare for things that common sense says to prepare for.. (my opinion) He does not seem to have my qualities.. I had low self esteem, naturally getting older, putting my trust in Allah, I am a lot better person than I use to be... He can't seem to really communicate, several times I've laid things out to him, and he doesn't comprehend or reflect on what I'm talking about. It's a very long story, basically... I hate to tell this brother for the 6th time, no I am not interested in getting married to you... For the past several months, I've made it obvios to him that he's not even done anything to make up for leaving me at the ISNA convention, which he continues to repeat he needs to do.. It's been two months, he has not done anything to change my belief in him for a spouse. In all this time, he has not offered to ask really what ring size I wear, my friend had to ask him why he had not, and he still didn't ask. he seems to have a one track mind on me as a women, and he's missing the point.. He's got it in his mind that I'm a virgin and that I'm just scared... I've told him time and time again.. Yes, I am a women who has never been in a physical relationship, no I have not even been in a relationship, but!! I am not this meek, shy innocent minded little girl... I was raised by a muslim man who know what his responsiblilty was raising 12 children, my brothers follow his same path, Allah has blessed me to be the provider and maintainer of myself for 15 yrs now... What can you do for me, to replace my home, job family and the love of my mother.. They are my examples of what a man is suppose to do for his wife. He has not shown me a thing.. Help me.. I am so tired of this brother not getting it, I could cry and strangle him through the phone at the sametime.. How many times can a person say no, before it gets hard.. I'm at the point I can't even say no anymore.. I have no feelings for the brother anymore.. I am not an angry type person. I'm very very peaceful, but no where near a meek woman, just a softy who sees the reality, but can't seem to bring herself to say no for the 6th time. Friends and family say, just don't answer his calls anymore, or block his number.. I feel Allah does have someone out there for me, who is my other half and it does not take me to pick up a rock for him to explain the basics of his responsiblility to me, without me having to pull it out of him. Well, my post is very jumpy, and perhaps not really clear.. It's just that I am so so exhausted... There is much much more to our story, but I can't put it down in words... Basically, me and the brother don't match.. I've rejected him several times, he's never really offered to marry me, just keeps calling and chit chatting, but nothing towards marriage.. I've been the one who brings up the subject of why we talk. He keeps coming back. I didn't listen to my Wali, many months ago who said.. Drop the relationship and run very fast. I guess, I need your duas to give me to strength to part and then block the brother from my life and not feel bad about it.. Salaams, your sister |
| Re: 40 yrs old, 1st time marriage? |
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| Fozia |
| 11/20/05 at 13:17:15 |
| [slm] Wow this bloke sets off alarm bells...Sr. if this is the way he is treating you now, when he is pursuing you and trying to gain your hand in marriage...errrr what do you suppose he's going to be like when he is married to you??? I second all your friends and family, don't answer the phone to him, if his friends ring tell them your dinners burning/you don't speak english/pretend you can't hear the person on the phone, try banging the receiver on the table a couple of times that should get the other person off the phone and very reluctant to call back. You don't deserve to be treated like this, I can't believe a brother (one who is interested in marrying you) wouldn't help you with your shopping, did he not offer to carry any of your bags...not even the little one??? :o You deserve so much better Sr, and Inshallah you will get better. In the meantime direct this person and his friends to your scary brothers, and suggest he reads some books about becoming a good Muslim Man...dude obviously needs the tips badly. Wassalaam |
| Re: 40 yrs old, 1st time marriage? |
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| ummnajmah |
| 11/20/05 at 14:14:36 |
| [slm] I agree with Sis Fozia. If the bro can be so insensitive even before marriage, just picture how he may act after ukhti :o. Clearly, this is not the right person for any sister, he has issues. Just go back to the drawing table and inshallah thru the assistance of your family and community find another bro who will be more compatible and most importantly upon the deen. I would cut off communication with him and make it clear that there is nothing more to be gained from his calling or approaching your relatives. May Allah (SWT) guide a good muslim man your way, one who will be good to you. Amin! :) |
| Re: 40 yrs old, 1st time marriage? |
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| onemuslimgirl |
| 11/20/05 at 16:08:39 |
| asalam alakum sr. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not do anything you are not comfortable with. Make istikhara prayers and pray pray pray....subhanAllah I was in the same situation earlier with a brother pressuring me to get married.everyone was pressuring me too....he was everyone's dream husband, good education, good family, etc. but through making my istikhara prayers, Allah guided me to the right pathi had this terrible feeling. alhamdullah i broke it off, and alhamdullah its was for the best. He could care less about me, he just wanted the green card so that he can go marry the girl he really wanted........ the first rule for a brother to be able to get married is to be able to financially support his family. if he can't and he admits it, and you are willing to help him, than there is nothing wrong with that. but if he doesnt want to talk about it, than i would be worried, b/c once the contract is signed, there isnt much room for negogiation. check your im box *smile* |
| Re: 40 yrs old, 1st time marriage? |
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| Siham |
| 11/20/05 at 16:55:33 |
| Assalamu Alaikum, Dear Sister, One of the main problems with men is that they don’t LISTEN, especially when it comes to something that they don’t wish to hear. So if you have a cell phone – change it – and don’t let anyone give him the new number. And if that doesn’t work, ask your brothers (if you have brothers) to give him a taste of his own medicine – that would probably seal the deal :D Obviously, he has the wrong understanding of what a Muslim woman wants, he would greatly benefit from a home schooling :-[ Insha’Allah Allah SWT will bless you with the right spouse sister, be strong habibty ;) Wassalaam. |
| 11/20/05 at 18:02:39 |
| Siham |
| Re: 40 yrs old, 1st time marriage? |
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| dmr65 |
| 11/20/05 at 19:27:06 |
| I just want to let it be known.. The brother is not a bad person and I hope my post didn't make him sound like a monster.. Allah forgive me if I did... I just believe he has a lot of growing to do, and I'm not the one for him... Salaams, sis, Denise ;) |
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