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| Am I justified in wanting divorce |
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| georger |
| 08/21/05 at 07:28:31 |
| For 13 of my 15 years of marriage my wife has been having mental health issues. Over the last couple of years she has been changing more dramatically 2 years ago she "came out" to me as possessing lesbian affections. Because she is deaf and I am very forgiving and compassionate at heart, I tried to be supportive to her while she struggled with these feelings. I have recently learned that she has been physically abusive and cruel to my young son (age 7) and most disturbing is something I did not see but it was witnessed by my father, mother and sister. My wife used the new puppy, 10 weeks old, and she sought to use him for sexual purposes. This sickens me, I cannot look at her the same way. I cringe when she wants to touch me. The family doctor has scheduled a psychiatric assessment for the 22nd, in his professional opinion she possesses a severe and untreatable personality disorder, various other psychiatric issues and sub-normal intelligence. I need peace in my life but I do not wish to impose any hardship upon her, even though all I want is to get on with my life and find a new decent woman who will love me and my child, and rebuild my life. Believe me when I say this stuff will shatter your life. Am I justified in divorcing her? I need to hear those words, otherwise my soul burns. How do I ensure she is treated justly and fairly? I am not a wealthy man, I had to take two years off work to help my son who has his own mental issues (Aspergers syndrome) and I'm just now starting a new job. A piece of paper testifies we are legally married. But in my heart she is not my wife. I have tried to keep this together for as long as I can. Hindsight is 20/20. Her parents who I now clearly see and understand had their own agenda for pressing me for marriage at a young, stupid and naive age, are long since dead and she has only brothers to return to. The sense of responsibility weighs heavily on me, but I feel I am breaking under the strain. Help? |
| 08/21/05 at 08:28:41 |
| georger |
| Re: Am I justified in wanting divorce |
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| georger |
| 08/21/05 at 11:24:12 |
| BTW, I'm very serious here folks. I have no experience in something like this, it's beyond me. I know how to be caring, compassionate and loving, it is very easy! I know all about sacrifice and suffering. But I'm certainy not joking here! How much longer should I accept this? Because I really don't feel I can take it any longer. |
| Re: Am I justified in wanting divorce |
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| jannah |
| 08/21/05 at 11:34:08 |
| Hey Georger, That's definitely a tough situation.. I don't think any one of us can tell you what you should do. We have not been in your shoes and don't know what you have gone through. But I do know that divorce is allowed in Islam, because sometimes things just don't work out, people are not compatible, they have issues with each other, their lives change, they change. I do understand your guilt as well, but know that you can still help your wife when she is just the mother of your children. For your own kids sake and yourself you can still continue to support and help her every way you can even if you are not married to her. I hope everything works out for you inshallah.. we will make dua |
| Re: Am I justified in wanting divorce |
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| georger |
| 08/21/05 at 11:48:49 |
| She has actually written the she does not want to care for my son and it has been an underlying suspicion that she does not like him. This is part of a message she sent to a friend of mine. My friend is very good and trusted, she sent it back to me to keep me aware. The discussion was in regards to my wife's pending inheritance from the passing away of her parents several years ago. She is due a nice lump sum. [quote]I will be give up my son. Lucky, I have a job and ODSP able pay me without George ( he will SUCK no money except music job only. No pay for gas or other things )[/quote] It is a complex situation and I'm feeling more and more distant from her every day. She no longer is my wife....not at heart. She hasn't been for quite some time now and I just wish this wouldn't drag on, I wish it would be over quickly and with little fuss. I don't want her money or child support. During the winter we all moved into one big house with the rest of my family. It was to help us all live together affordably. My son is among my family who are all Christian (I am the only struggling Muslim - I do not call myself Muslim, that would indicate completion and perfection. I am merely a struggling one). I've sought to adopt the teachings and values and morals of the Quran - not difficult since they are similar to Christian values - into my life and it's been a wonderful and strengthening experience, I've learned so much!! My friend who sent me the message, she is also Christian and she has been a true blessing to me during these times. Her marriage is going badly too, her husband is almost as bad as my wife is, except he has tried several times and (nearly succeeded once, lying unconscious on the gas station bathroom floor with his wrists cut and blood all over the place) and has continued to try to murder himself. Once he tried this in the kitchen in front of the kids! 3 times in the garage with a rope, each time she has put a halt to his attempt. She holds on to him because she fears his suicide will harm her though she can no longer stand him or what he stands for. He terrifies the kids and herself. So in such irony we have been supporting one another morally to prevent us from weakening in front of the kids while our mates are plunging into madness. For a long time (20 years) I've been her friend and guardian because I just had some kind of "sense" that she needed help. Oh, I don't know, it's so crazy!!! Still I am grateful that if this MUST happen, it is happening while my son is among my family rather than happening if she and I are living more independently. |
| 08/21/05 at 16:41:07 |
| georger |
| Re: Am I justified in wanting divorce |
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| georger |
| 08/22/05 at 17:07:08 |
| I've told her I'm divorcing her. I've told her to pack up and find some place else to go. I picked up the papers this morning and I will fill them out and file them on Friday. Even in this I am lenient, have sought to exercise mercy and have given her until this coming Saturday to arrange some emergency living space via the CHS or something. She still has her disability income and her part time job so long as she stays in the Toronto area, she will not starve. What triggered it? The humiliation of her bestiality with the puppy in front of most of the family and explaining this to her psychiatrist this morning. It was more than I could stand. It is impossible for me to even consider myself as married, to someone who could be interested in such a thing. It is too much to bear and the humiliation was in front of my mom, my dad and my sister and my yougn son who fortunately was not looking her way. I've been extremely tolerant and forgiving of her issues, giving her as much leeway and understanding as possible as she needed to grow and improve for our 15 years together. Even when she came out to me 2 years ago, sexually desiring a woman in very graphic terms, I restrained my feelings and understood she must have felt this was pretty important to her, otherwise she wouldn't have brought it to my attention. But this is the straw that has broken me. Whether I receive any of her inheritance is irrelevant. If she has any amount of honour left she will leave me a small portion. If she has no honour left, then she may keep all of it and use it to restart her life wherever she desires. I do not want anything else from her, no child support, nothing. She may leave and be completely commitment free. Wherever she wishes to live is up to her. I cannot bear this any longer. |
| Re: Am I justified in wanting divorce |
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| Stephanie |
| 08/22/05 at 23:28:18 |
| Assalamu Alaikum Georger, IMHO it sounds like you have made the only sane and rational choice although I know it must be incredibly difficult for you right now. Make dua and inshallah you will get through this and on to a better life. Wa alaikum salam, Your sister in Islam :-) |
| Re: Am I justified in wanting divorce |
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| georger |
| 08/23/05 at 04:57:38 |
| It is hard.....I did not marry only to wish it to be dissolved. Heck, I LIKE being married! Why would anyone want to be single? But when a marriage has tolerate too much monkey-business, starts to get REALLY twisted....IMHO it's not longer following the SPIRIT of marriage. Surprisingly (well, maybe not) she does not feel any wrong in this, she remains in denial and wants to kiss and hug and pretend everything is normal. Yup, really! She lives in some kind of delusion, that's why the family doctor sent her to a psychiatrist. It is a bitter thing. And it makes me feel rotten. Then I remember what I read, that "....although you may not like something it may be good for you, that although you may like something it may be harmful for you. So be patient and pray and trust God." Yup....this looks like one of those times. Your prayers are needed by me and not just for my wife's future but for my own well. I need to survive this well, to try and not lose any good qualities and dispense with only the bad. To not turn angry or bitter, that would be awful. I still want to be married of course!! My son needs a good loving mother, I need a good wife, one who loves me and is wise, who will treat me as her garden and cultivate and care for me as I care for her, she magnifying and amplifying my good qualities, teaching me to restrain and trim my bad qualities and I hers. Living alone.....I've done it before. It stinks of decay and loss. Please pray for me that God may send me such a good wife, that I may know her soon, that I may prove worthy of her love. I have given my word, I have said "divorce" and meant it, I will not further humiliate my family or myself by retracting it, especially given the incident with the brand new dog!! |
| Re: Am I justified in wanting divorce |
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| sal |
| 08/23/05 at 17:43:47 |
| [slm]Bro georger I think when situation becomes like this in this story and if there is no hope to change things divorce is the best solution .It is not in this cases that we can encourage patience because the factors mentioned might lead to more hatred and then danger Take the divorce as a solution to get rid of this atmosphere and for the a better option for your son but not as tool to win game against an enemy .if that is the way you can define divorce, then you better not burden yourself more and find a better way for yourself and your son. from your words ,if what you are saying is true ,you sound fair and kind and you know how to deal with her kindly even if you divorce her which you think you can do better, than if she remains your wife as you don’t care much for any mistakes she might perform after that May ALLAH guide her to the right path and make a righteous wife if she is meant to remain your wife But if you have no any more patience WHICH IS NOT WRONG may Allah give you the kind of wife you wish AMEEN |
| Re: Am I justified in wanting divorce |
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| georger |
| 08/27/05 at 21:46:21 |
| She is gone now. I have taken her to a place where she may begin to piece her life together. Soon she will have her own independent housing and a social worker to check in on her. She has her own income from a disability and a part time job. She is warm, fed and safe. Oh....it feels so bittersweet! It definitely hurts me to have to do this....but to not do this is an even greater crime! Like being trapped between a rock and a hard place, either choice hurts! Yet I feel at peace because she is not here now. Sad to say but it is true. And I feel guilty too, feel like I have abandoned her. I spoke with another doctor, described the symptoms and her issues. This doctor is over 90 years old, he has many years of experience. He is retired now. He warned that it is vital to get her away from the child and get her professional help. The child would be in danger from her! From here on she will only deteriorate in her mind, this isn't unusual in cases such as hers he said, especially if there was a medical cause in the first place. In her case it was due to Rubella in utero. I find my strength is taxed greatly today.....but God willing I will push forward and find who I need to complete my life and carry on. Thank you. |
| Re: Am I justified in wanting divorce |
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| naqibah |
| 08/30/05 at 22:51:14 |
| [slm] Dear George, You know, this reminds me of my own brother. He was getting on in age and someone introduced him to a potential bride who was far too young for him. More than 10 years' difference in age. She was described as somebody really special. Somehow, my brother was persuaded to get himself engaged to this girl by her own parents. It happened only within a few weeks. We didn't understand why her parents were so eager to marry her off, even though my brother was too old for her. It was during the engagement period that we began to discover the psychotic behaviour of his fiancee. So, our family, especially my brother, decided that the psychotic behaviour was too much. I mean, she was practically stalking him everyday, and trying to get close to our family by any means possible. And then to our horror, we discovered that she had a mental illness history. It was scary. But her family accused my brother of taking advantage of their daughter, and when my brother went to meet them to break off the engagement, her family beat him up. Would you believe this? They're Muslims too! For some inextricable reason, my brother was somehow persuaded to marry her... and as soon as possible at that. They managed to pull at his heartstrings and win his sympathy, especially when his fiancee kept telling him that her parents would beat her up if she fail to persuade my brother to marry her. My family then realised that the reason why her family was adamant about my brother marrying her was because they wanted to get rid of the burden of taking care of a mentally ill daughter. So, the marriage took place. Everyday was hell for my brother because his wife would act out her craziness, get into depression, cry at everything, and they argued so violently everyday. Fact is, my brother didn't know how to handle her and could only react with anger to her crying and sometimes abusive behaviour towards him. We as a family couldnt' help him. Nothing. It was simply too late. We tried to counsel them like any other normal couple but realised it was futile. We simply didn't know how to deal with mentally ill people. The marriage broke down finally and ended in divorce a few years later. But the sad thing is, they have children. My brother thought the children would calm her down. Instead, she became worse and abusive towards them. In the end, just to demonstrate how irresponsible her family is - even after the divorce, they insisted that she continued to stay with my brother, who had become her ex-husband. They refuse to take her back! They were so much in denial about her condition. Out of pity, he moved out and let her stay in his house. I cannot believe how irresponsible her family is. Instead of sending their daughter to a mental institution so that she would be taken care of by professionals, they preferred to marry her off so that someone else can absorb that burdern. I pity my ex-sister in law. May Allah bless her with compassion and mercy. She's still living among society, acting as if nothing happened. She still believes that she is still married to my brother. I wonder if she has any recollection of anything that has happened to her. Her family until today refused to take her back, and my brother continues to try to help her, by sending her to doctors even though she's no longer his wife. It was for the sake of the children. I'm not sure how long he can take it anymore. If you are a parent, or have a sibling who is mentally ill, please do the responsible thing. Send your daughter or sister for treatment, not marry her off hoping that a new experience can cure her. George, I hope you'll find peace and happiness. Make dua that Allah will be kind to your wife, and that she'll be taken care off by the right people. :) |
| Re: Am I justified in wanting divorce |
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| Siham |
| 08/30/05 at 23:49:02 |
| :( This is really sad, and lastly Brother I hope you have prayed Istikhara, because in the end only Allah knows where the Kheir lies! wassalam |
| Re: Am I justified in wanting divorce |
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| peaceb2u |
| 09/05/05 at 22:35:31 |
| [slm] I'm agreed. This is sad, difficult stuff. But remember that Allah only tries whom He loves, and He only burdens an individual with as much as he can bear. You can make it through these difficult times,Inshallah, and I pray that Allah SWT blesses you with continued faith, patience, and wisdom in how you deal with this situation. May He provide you and your family for all your needs, with that which is better than what you received before, and may He keep you in constant remembrance of Him. Ameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen! Wassalam :-) |
| Re: Am I justified in wanting divorce |
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| Siham |
| 09/07/05 at 12:35:22 |
| Assalam Alaikum, Insha’Allah Kheir because indeed in every hardship is followed by ease :) wasalaams. |
| Re: Am I justified in wanting divorce |
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| Desert_Flower |
| 09/14/05 at 08:01:17 |
| Assalamu Aleikum, there is a special Dua, to ask God to tell one if something, one wants to is good or not. It`s called Dua Al-Istikhara. Hope this will help you in schah Allah. :-) |
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