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Wrong to have sleep overs?

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Wrong to have sleep overs?
Anonymous
09/12/05 at 21:52:09
Im 21 years old. My dad refuses to let me sleep over at my friends house ..shes
also Muslim and lives an hour from my house. He does not allow me to sleep at anyones
home, and is very strict when it comes to this matter.
Is it wrong in Islam to have such sleep overs?

thank you.
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
jannah
09/12/05 at 22:10:28
Some of the best memories of my childhood are of sleeping over other muslim girl's houses and vice versa... We even used to do mosque sleepovers. I don't know why your father is so strict, but I remember some poor girl's when we were younger who had father's like that too.. they weren't allowed to sleep over at anyone's house, not even when we had mosque sleepovers!

Maybe you can ask the other girl's to sleepover your house?

Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
Fozia
09/13/05 at 05:13:40
[slm]

Your dad's right, you aren't actually supposed to be in a house of a non-mahram without a mahram present (does this make sense).
Could you not have the sleepover at your home???

This is gonna be my daughters in a few years I can just see it, they will be posting on Jannah, telling you all about their horrible evil crabby parents who won't let them sleep over at their friends houses..... remember if this happens you must all take my side.



Wassalaam
09/13/05 at 09:56:12
Fozia
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
jannah
09/13/05 at 09:08:42
slm,

fozia where'd you get that from?
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
tq
09/13/05 at 09:13:09
Assalamo elikuim
Sr. Fozia you are so funny :) Inshallah I will be taking your side then since my daughter will there with your daughters complaining about her cruel mom.

I was never allowed sleep overs (I was born and raised in Pakistan !!!)
What I tell my kids that the only sleep over they are allowed will be when me and their baba are there too or only at mine and their baba's  sister,brother,parents's house .

Wasalam
tq

Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
Fozia
09/13/05 at 09:59:35
[slm]

I'm pretty sure of it, little children sleepovers are different.
The poster is 21, therefore of marriageable age, I honestly think her father is right. You can't leave a woman who has reached maturity without a mahram.


Will go and find where I got that from.



Wassalaam
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
jannah
09/13/05 at 10:17:51
wow you guys are some strict mamas... let me just say on their behalf from their side that they'll be missing a lot of bonding and good times with their fellow sisters. having these close friendships with other muslim girls from childhood really helped in the support and development of my islam. i think that all of us would have been pretty messed up otherwise.  this goes back to the 'fashion show thread' discussion we had.  anyways y'all are going to raise your kids the way you want but just think about it.
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
timbuktu
09/13/05 at 11:28:43
[slm] I think sis Fozia is right, although I am not sure if the sleepover is acceptible with the wali's permission.

With a lot of Islamic restrictions and a lot of musts having been jettisoned, this would seem too strict today, but some do try to live by the Quran and the Sunnah. They are few, but their rewards are great indeed.

We are gradually moving towards the end of times, and the closer we get to those times, the more difficult it will be to adhere to the deen.
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
bhaloo
09/13/05 at 12:03:29
[slm]

I agree with the others that its not good to have sleep overs.  What do people do at these that they can't do during the regular day?  
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
Siham
09/13/05 at 12:05:01
[slm]

I personally don't see any harm done.... by simply going to your friend's house for the weekend  ::)

For instance, perhaps there are only women in the house at that particular weekend... and the men are away as well???  (e.g. for business trip etc,..)

Allah Ah'lam.

Just a thought!

wassalams.
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
jannah
09/13/05 at 13:21:01
That just doesn't make any sense. What if your father/husband goes away, are you then living in haram because there is no mahram in the house? So you're not allowed to visit your aunts house? What about women who do ihtikaaf in the mosque?  

I mean sleeping over someone's house for one night is similar to a visit. What is the difference between night and day?  It's like saying you can't go visit anyone's house for a day unless there is a mahram with you.

Even the most conservative of scholars allow women to go to Hajj without a mahram in a group.


Lasly if anyone wants to apply those rules to your daughters, then if the mothers are going anywhere without your husband then you too are committing haram right!!

Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
muslimah853
09/13/05 at 14:04:08
[slm]

Parental preference is one thing.

Saying it's actually haram is something different.

There was a couple I knew who lived in a big house.  Typically, there would be a single sister living with them at any given time, they always opened their house to a sister who might need a place to live, as a result of divorce, going through financial difficulty, or for whatever reason they happened to need a place to stay.

Everyone in the house were practicing Muslims.  Everyone had their own private sleeping quarters, in the common areas of the house the women were always covered, non-mahrems were never in the house alone together, etc.

If we are saying that it is haram for non-mahrem men and women to even be in the same building, then a whole bunch of us better be dropping out of school, work, or stores.  Granted, there is a difference between a sleepover and a genuine necessity, but use your judgment.  It is quite possible for a woman to be in a house with a man who is not her mahrem and not even know he is there.

As a parent, one doesn't have to allow your child to sleep at anyone's house, that's certainly a preference that one is entitled to, and as a parent myself, I certainly don't give blanket permission for my kids to be anywhere, there are some people's homes that I won't allow my girls to be at.  But to say it's categorically haram is pretty strong.


Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
Fozia
09/13/05 at 14:06:24
[slm]


Sleeping over at a house where non-mahrams will be present, for no reason, without a mahram, is I think not permissable.

Travelling without a mahram for the span of one day and night is not permissable (have I got the length correct?). So visiting someone's house should be fine as I would expect it's not going to take quite that long. You can go visit people with the permission of your wali.

Errrmmmm as far as I know, women can't actually go to Hajj without a mahram, you need a mahram to complete all the rites. If a woman is old than I've heard she can be incorporated with a group of women and [i]their[/i] mahram, same goes for a woman who has no mahram and no hope of completing hajj otherwise.


This has nothing to do with anything. I read an article in the papers a while ago. The writer and paper both being non-muslim.
The article was about the authors daughter who had slept over at her friends house, as children do. The girl had been woken in the night, by the father of her friend touching her inappropriately. The case had not got to trial as the evidence was all circumstantial. The girls friendship was ruined, and she was bullied out of her school, her parents were forced to send their daughter to a private school further from their home.


I wouldn't stop my daughters participating in things like fashion shows, attending talks, and congregational prayers. I was part of the college Islmaic society, and we spent every spare second ogranising stuff, my mother helped out. Once the poor woman found herself making 1,000 samosa's for the communal iftar which included non-muslims too!!


I don't mean to upset you Sr. Jannah, and I am not ciricising your views. Promise you won't take Fatima az Zohra  and Khadeeja Tul Kubra's side when they come on here complaining about their old witchy mum....???? :-*


Wassalaam
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
Siham
09/13/05 at 14:49:24
[quote author=muslimah853 link=board=madrasa;num=1126572729;start=10#11 date=09/13/05 at 14:04:08] [slm]

Parental preference is one thing.

Saying it's actually haram is something different.

There was a couple I knew who lived in a big house.  Typically, there would be a single sister living with them at any given time, they always opened their house to a sister who might need a place to live, as a result of divorce, going through financial difficulty, or for whatever reason they happened to need a place to stay.

Everyone in the house were practicing Muslims.  Everyone had their own private sleeping quarters, in the common areas of the house the women were always covered, non-mahrems were never in the house alone together, etc.

If we are saying that it is haram for non-mahrem men and women to even be in the same building, then a whole bunch of us better be dropping out of school, work, or stores.  Granted, there is a difference between a sleepover and a genuine necessity, but use your judgment.  It is quite possible for a woman to be in a house with a man who is not her mahrem and not even know he is there.

As a parent, one doesn't have to allow your child to sleep at anyone's house, that's certainly a preference that one is entitled to, and as a parent myself, I certainly don't give blanket permission for my kids to be anywhere, there are some people's homes that I won't allow my girls to be at.  But to say it's categorically haram is pretty strong.
[/quote]

[slm]

Jazaka Allah Kheir dear sis,

I totally agree with you here...................

Some families are very respectful and thus are trustworthy and your parents know them etc,.... that's why it is wise for the sister to first find out the reason her parents ( i.e father) is not permitting her to sleepover at her friend's house.

And on the other hand, I also understand that it is a bit hard nowadays to fully trust people.................you just never know what they are capable of doing  :o

So, the issue isn't as black and white.....

And Allah Knows best.

09/13/05 at 16:06:36
Siham
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
Caraj
09/13/05 at 21:30:07
I sure agree with Jannah.

Sister anon ask your mom and dad if you can arrange a sleep over at
your home or your friends home where all men are out of the household and moms and or aunties can be in the house but another room.

Sometimes us parents say no cause our protective instienct hits our brains before out reasoning sets in.

Offer alturnatives and suggestions to you father and ask him what he needs done to allow this activity.
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
Siham
09/15/05 at 15:19:24
Can Women Travel Without a Mahram?  
 
Question:

The general understanding is that it is prohibited in the Shariah for a female to travel without a Mahram under all circumstances and including for religious purposes such as hajj.

Are there any exceptions to this rule? If a woman wishes to travel to another city for a religious conference/seminar without the company of a mahram male, would that be permissible? If she wishes to travel alone (or with a sister) to a Muslim country to undertake Islamic studies, would that be permissible? If she wishes to travel to visit her parents in the home country, but her husband or another Mahram cannot join, would she be able to travel independently?

Is the rule to be applied differently in this age when most travelling, in flights etc., is done in collective groups?


Answer:
   
In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,
 
Generally, it is impermissible for a woman to travel the distance of three days (equivalent to 48 miles) without her husband or a Mahram (unmarriageable kin) accompanying her.

There are many clear narrations of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) in this regard.

1) Sayyiduna Abu Sa’id al-Khudri (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “Let no woman travel for more than three days unless her husband or a Mahram is with her.” (Sahih Muslim)

2) Sayyiduna Abd Allah ibn Umar (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “A woman must not travel for three days except with a Mahram.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, no. 1036 & Sahih Muslim)

3) Sayyiduna Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “It is unlawful for a woman who believes in Allah and the last day that she travels the distance of one day and one night without a Mahram accompanying her.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, no. 1037)

4) Sayyiduna Ibn Abbas (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “'A woman must not travel except with a Mahram and a man must not enter upon her except if she has a Mahram.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, no. 1763)

Imam Nawawi (may Allah have mercy on him) states in his monumental commentary of Sahih Muslim:

“There are many such narrations that assert the impermissibility of a woman travelling without a Mahram. These narrations vary in their wordings. The narration of Ibn Abbas in Sahih al-Bukhari says that a woman must not travel without a Mahram, but it adds nothing else. However, the other narrations, in Sahih al-Bukhari and elsewhere, mention lengths of journeys for which a Mahram is required - some of the narrations specify three days, some two, some one, and some even less.”

Imam Nawawi (Allah have mercy on him) also mentions that the difference found in these narrations is due to the different questioners and the places wherein the answers were given to them. al-Bayhaqi said: “It is as though the messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) was asked regarding travelling for three days without a Mahram, and he refused. He was then asked about her travelling for two days, and regarding one day, etc and each narrator related from him what he heard.” (See: Commentary of Sahih Muslim by Imam Nawawi, 1015)

According to the Hanafi Ijtihad, the distance that is considered here is three days and three nights, for the narrations mentioning three days & three nights have reached the level of certainty. All the Companions who narrated other than three days also narrate the distance of three days and three nights. The narrations that mention two or one day will be restricted to specific circumstances, such as the fear of more fitna. Hence, they (Hanafi School) considers the narrations that mention three days & three nights as the basis of prohibition. (Zafar Ahmad al-Tahanawi, I’la al-Sunan, V. 10, P. 11)

It must be remarked here that this refers to the distance usually covered by walking or on an animal in three days & three nights (with the usual breaks for resting and eating). Therefore, the restriction of travelling with a Mahram applies if the distance of the journey exceeds this, even if the journey itself is accomplished in a shorter time.

The scholars have differed on the length of this distance. Many scholars are of the opinion that it is 16 Farsakh, and each Farsakh equals three miles, thus totalling to 48 miles. (See: Faydh al-Bari ala Sahih al-Bukhari, 2/397)

Thus, the Hanafi Fuqaha are very clear, in that a woman must not travel to the distance of three days without her husband or Mahram accompanying her.

The great Hanafi Jurist, Imam al-Kasani (Allah have mercy on him) states:
“One of the conditions for the permissibility of a woman travelling for Hajj is that she is accompanied by her husband or a Mahram. If neither of them is accompanying her, then Hajj will not be obligatory.

Our (Hanafi school) proof is what Ibn Abbas (Allah be pleased with him) narrated from the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) that he said: “Verily, a woman must no travel for Hajj except that her Mahram is accompanying her”. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) also said: “A woman must not travel except that her Mahram or Husband is with her”. Also, a woman is unsafe if her husband or Mahram is not accompanying her, and this is the reason why it is even impermissible for her to travel on her own (meaning, not in the company of a stranger, m), and this fear (of their safety, m) is increased when they are in a group. This is the reason why it is impermissible for a man to be in seclusion (khalwa) with a non-Mahram woman even if she has another woman accompanying her.” (Bada’i al-Sana’i, 2/1230)

It is stated in al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya:

“One of the conditions for a woman, whether young or old, to a able to travel for Hajj is that she is accompanied by her Mahram if the distance between her and Makkah is of three days. If the travelling distance is less than that, then she will perform Hajj without her Mahram.” (al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya, 219)

Imam al-Haskafi (may Allah have mercy on him) also states the same ruling in his renowned Durr al-Mukhtar, on which Allama Ibn Abidin (may Allah have mercy on him) commentates with the following:

“It is impermissible for a woman to travel the distance of three days and three nights. However, it will be permissible for her to travel the distance which is less than that without a Mahram because of need. It is reported from Abu Hanifa and Abu Yusuf (Allah have mercy on them both) that they disliked the travelling of a woman on herself even to the travel distance of one day and one night, and the Fatwa should be on this opinion due to the widespread immorality. This is also affirmed by the Hadith recorded in Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim: “It is Impermissible for a woman who believes in Allah and the last day that she travels the distance of one day and one night except with a Mahram accompanying her”. However, it is stated in al-Fath (fath al-Qadir of Ibn al-Humam, m): “When the relied upon opinion is the first (i.e., distance of three days and three nights, m), the husband does not have a right to prevent her from performing Hajj if the distance between her and Makkah is less than three days.” (Radd al-Muhtar ala al-Durr al-Mukhtar, 2/465)

The above excerpts from the major reference books in the Hanafi School clearly indicate the impermissibility of a woman travelling without her Mahram or Husband. So much so, that we see Ibn Abidin (A major authority) stating that due to widespread immorality and corruption in his time, a woman should not even be allowed to travel the distance of one day (even though, the fatwa is on three days and three nights/48 miles). If that was the case in his time, what would the ruling be in our age?

It should be remembered here, that the basis for this ruling is not an evil assumption about the woman and her manners, as some people unreasonably think, but it is to take care of her reputation, dignity and safety. It is to protect her from the desires of those who have diseased hearts, from the assault of an immoral person or a thief.

Some contemporary people argue that travelling in modern times have changed from how it was in the time of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace). It is incumbent upon us to look at travelling in our time. It is not like how travelling was in the past. It is not filled with the dangers of the waterless deserts, encounters with thieves, highway robbers, etc. Now travelling is by various modes of transportation that usually gather large amounts of people at a time, such as planes, cars, buses, ships, etc…Thus, this provides plenty of confidence and reliability, removing feelings of fear for the woman, because she will not be by herself in any place, and the principle of Islamic Jurisprudence states: “Rulings change due to the changing of times”. Also, some classical scholars have made exceptions with regards to the impermissibility of women travelling in that they may travel in a group, or if there is no fear or risk of Fitna, it would be permissible.

The above understanding is incorrect due to many reasons, and the permissibility of women travelling without a Mahram can not be justified on its basis.

Firstly, the principle of Islamic jurisprudence quoted above is surely an accepted theory among the classical Fuqaha, but one needs to understand the concept behind this principle. The meaning of “laws changing” is not that the laws of Shariah will change in accordance with the time and era, rather, laws that are based on custom and habit (urf ) or the rules of Fiqh which are based on juristic opinion (ra’i) or Ijtihad have often been formulated in the light of prevailing custom. It is therefore permissible to depart from them if the custom on which they were founded changes in the course of time. Rulings that are based upon clear texts of the Qur’an and Sunnah can never change. The scholars of Usul al-Fiqh stipulate that a custom or a practice which is contrary to the text of the Qur’an and Sunnah is an unacceptable custom (urf al-Fasid). (See: Ibn Abidin, Nashr al-Urf fi bina ba’d al-ahkam ala al-urf, P. 115)

Secondly, there is a difference between legal Wisdoms and legal Reasons. The rulings of Shariah are always based on the reason (illa) and not the wisdom (hikma) behind it.

An example for this is that the wisdom behind the prohibition of wine and alcohol is that it creates enmity and hatred between people and it hinders one from the remembrance of Allah. The reason, however, is that it is an intoxicating substance. Now, if one was to say that wine will be Halal for me, as I will lock myself up after drinking wine, thus no destruction will be caused. Any sane person will conclude that he is wrong, as wine is Haram whether you cause any destruction and damage to others or not. The reason being, that the cause for the prohibition of wine is that it intoxicates you, regardless of whether the wisdom is present or not. (See: Usul al-Iftaa & other usul books).

This can be understood more clearly with an example from our day to day life. The law states that the driver must stop his car when the lights are red. The wisdom behind this ruling is that it stops and prevents accidents. However, the reason (illa) for this ruling is the lights being red. Now, a driver who is driving in the middle of the night sees that the light is red, but does not see any sign of a car. If the law was based on the wisdom (which is to prevent accidents), then it would be permissible for his to drive through the red light. However, as it is common knowledge, that despite there being no possibility of an accident, he must stop his car otherwise he will be arrested if caught, for the law is based upon the reason and not the wisdom.

The same is with women travelling without a Mahram. The wisdom behind this ruling is surely to save her from the dangers that can be encountered in the journey. However, this is not the legal reason. The reason (illa) is her travelling the distance of three days and three nights, thus whether the journey is safe, in a plane or on foot, it will remain impermissible.

This is very similar to the ruling of shortening the prayers whilst on journey a (qasr). The wisdom behind the ruling is undue hardship (mashaqqa); however, this is not the reason. The reason is the travelling distance of three days and three nights. Therefore, all the Hanafi scholars (classic and contemporary) have declared that it is incumbent upon a traveller to shorten the fardh prayers, even if one was in a perfectly comfortable journey. We don’t see people suggesting that the prayers must not be shortened due to the modern day means of transport!

Thirdly, if one was to look at the exceptions made by some of the classical scholars of the other schools of thought, it would be evident that these exceptions and dispensations are only in relation to the journey of Hajj. The reason for this is that there has been a lot of emphasis in the Qur’an and Sunnah regarding the obligation of Hajj, thus we have two types of texts that apparently contradict one another. However, this can never be generalized to all types of journeys.

For example, Imam Nawawi, the great Shafi’i jurist (may Allah have mercy on him) states in his monumental commentary of Sahih Muslim:

“There is a consensus (ijma’) of the Ummah that it is obligatory upon a woman to perform Hajj if she is able to do so, due to the general nature of the verse: “Pilgrimage to the house of Allah is a duty men owe to Allah for those who can afford the journey” (Ali Imran, 97), and because of the Hadith “Islam is based on five things”. However, scholars differ as to whether a Mahram is a pre-requisite for a woman to perform the Hajj. Abu Hanifa (Allah have mercy on him) considers it a condition for the Hajj to be obligatory unless the distance between her and Makkah is less than three Marahil. His opinion is also endorsed by a group of Hadith scholars, people of ra’i, Hasan al-Basri and Nakha’i (Allah have mercy on them all). However, Ata, Sa’id ibn Jubayr, Ibn Sirin, Malik, al-Awzai’i, Shafi’i (Allah have mercy on them all) say that a Mahram is not a pre-requisite in order for her travelling to Hajj; rather the condition is safety in the journey. Some of our (Shafi’i) scholars have said: “Safety will be acquired with the husband, Mahram or a group of trustworthy women, and Hajj is not obligatory if one of these three is not found. Therefore, if there was only one trustworthy woman, Hajj would not be obligatory, but to perform Hajj will be permissible. This is the correct opinion……

Our (Shafi’i) scholars differed as to the ruling of her travelling for optional Hajj, visiting family and friends, for business or other such journeys that are not obligatory. Some said: “It will be permissible for her travel for these causes with a group of trustworthy women just as this is permissible for the obligatory Hajj. However, the majority of the scholars (jumhur) state that it is impermissible for her to travel unless accompanied by her husband or Mahram, and this is the correct opinion due to the authentic and established narrations. Qadhi Iyad (m: a major Maliki scholar) said: “All the scholars have agreed on the fact that a woman can not travel besides Hajj and Umrah except in the company of her Mahram, with the exception of migrating from Dar al-Harb, for the reason that it is unlawful (haram) for her to remain in the lands of the Kuffar,” (Nawawi, al-Minhaj sharh Muslim ibn al-Hajjaj, P. 1015, Dar ibn Hazm, Beirut)

The above excerpt of Imam Nawawi (may Allah have mercy on him) indicates that the dispensation given for a woman to travel in a group of upright and trustworthy women or with one upright woman is only in the journey of Hajj. The great Maliki scholar, Qadhi Iyad (from whom Imam Nawawi quoted) relates the consensus of all the scholars.

Imam Nawawi (may Allah have mercy on him) confirms this in his al-Majmu’ where he states:

“The second opinion (in the Shafi’i school) is that a woman must not travel for other than Hajj without a Mahram, and this is the correct opinion and clearly related from Imam Shafi’i himself in his al-Umm. The reason is that to travel for other than Hajj is not obligatory.” Thereafter he quotes all the narrations that have been narrated from the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) in this regard. (See: Kitab al-Majmu’ Sharh al-Muhazzab, 7/460)

The Maliki Madhab is also quite clear on this. We have already cited the opinion of Qadhi Iyad in Imam Nawawi’s commentary. Also, one of the major authorities in the Maliki school, Imam Dasouqi (may Allah have mercy on him) sates:

“If the journey is obligatory (like Hajj, m), it will be permissible for her to travel in the company of a Mahram, husband or a group of trustworthy and upright people. If the journey is recommended (mandub, and not obligatory), then it will be permitted for her to travel with only her husband or a Mahram and not in a group,” (Hashiya al-Dasouqi ala Sharh al-Kabir, 2/14)

The Hanbali School is similar to the Hanafi School, in that a woman must not travel without her Mahram accompanying her even for the auspicious journey of Hajj. Imam al-Bahuti (may Allah have mercy on him) states:

“If a woman performed Hajj without a Mahram, this will be unlawful (haram) for her, although the obligation of Hajj will be lifted.” (Kashaf al-Qina ala matn al-Iqna, 2/213. Also see: Ibn Qudama, al-Mugni, 3/236-237)

The foregoing is clear in determining that none of the four major Fiqh schools of thought permit a woman to travel without her husband or a Mahram in a journey besides Hajj. The Shafi’i and Maliki schools give a dispensation in that she may travel only for Hajj in a group of trustworthy and upright women (or one woman, according to some) given the importance and significance of the ritual of Hajj.

Therefore, it will not be permissible for a woman to travel over 48 miles in order to visit her family and friends, acquire knowledge or any other social reason. It is also strictly impermissible in the Hanafi and Hanbali schools for her to travel for Hajj, and permissible with a group of upright women, however, in the Shafi’i and Maliki schools.

Some try to justify women’s travelling with the Hadith where the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) mentioned that a woman will travel and perform Tawaf of the Ka’ba without a husband with her (Sahih al-Bukhari).

This Hadith seems to suggest the permissibility of women travelling alone, but it needs further, more precise analysis. The Shafi’i school, for example, considered this Hadith as evidence that a woman may travel for Hajj without a Mahram if the journey is safe. The Hanafi jurists, however, pointed out that this Hadith is an account of something which is going to happen, and as such is not a sign of its approval or permissibility. In any case, it seems very shaky to deduce a general permissibility of a woman travelling alone in safety just from this hadith, especially in view of all the other evidences. (See: Fath al-Bari, Umdat al-Qari & I’la al-Sunan).

It must be remarked here that the Shariah principle is that unlawful things become permissible in case of necessity, such as consuming pork becomes permissible when one fears death out of hunger. Contemporary scholars have given a dispensation in that if a woman does not have a Mahram (for one reason or another) and she is in a dire situation, then it will be permissible for her to travel. One of the great contemporary scholars, Shaykh Mufti Muhammad Taqi al-Usmani (may Allah preserve him) states:

“However, in the case of a woman who has neither a husband nor a father, nor does she have some other relative who could support her financially, nor does she have enough funds to take care of her needs, it would, under this situation, become permissible for her to go out of the house under legal hijab and earn her living to the limit of her need. Now, when this purpose can be easily achieved while living in one's own country or city, then there is no need to travel to a foreign land. If there is no other way for her, but to travel to another city, and she does not have any Mahrams, then only in this situation it will be permissible for her to take the opinion of Imam Shafi’i and Imam Malik, for they have given permission for her to travel with a group of trustworthy women.” (Buhuth fi qadhaya fiqhiyya al-mu’asira, P. 337)

I would like to add here that, as we have seen, the Shafi’i and Maliki schools have only given a dispensation in travelling for Hajj, thus this dispensation would be based on the concept of necessity.

Finally before parting, it would be wise to mention, that a woman's Mahram is a permanently non-marriageable male relative of hers. According to the majority of scholars, his being a Muslim is not a condition.

It is stated al-Fatwa al-Hindiyya:

“A Mahram is the husband and those for whom it is permanently unlawful to marry the woman, whether this is due to blood relationship, fosterage, or marriage (such as the father in-law, m). It is a condition that he is trusted, sane, and has reached puberty (baligh), whether he is free or a slave and regardless of whether he is a Muslim or a unbeliever. However, if he is a fire worshiper who considers marriage with relations and family members lawful, then she should avoid travelling with him. A boy who is close to puberty will be considered to be mature.” (al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya, 1/219)

And Allah knows best

Muhammad ibn Adam
Darul Iftaa
Leicester , UK

   

   

09/15/05 at 15:20:06
Siham
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
panjul
09/15/05 at 21:10:36
[slm]

I am not saying its haram or halal, or right or wrong to go to sleepovers.

I just want to tell of a true story in houston. A bunch of girls were having
a sleepover and one of the girls left the room at night to get something from the kitchen or living room and was raped by the father in the house.

Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
jannah
09/15/05 at 21:28:27
slm,

Again, I doubt a sleepover is going to take travel of 3 nights and 3 days.

Panjul where did u get that? That sounds like one of those urban legends that parents spread around to prevent their kids from doing anything. Were these girls Muslim in a Muslim house? Did you know the girl and talk to her personally? How would a Muslim father rape a girl that is just wack. Where was the mother and none of the other girls noticed anything?

I've been to tons of sleepovers as have many of the girls in this community, at the mosque, at friend's houses, on trips, to myna, conferences, etc. Nothing bad has ever happenned Alhamdulillah.

I mean you could say the same about sending your daughter to school or anything else. Freak things could happen anytime. I mean a girl can get molested by her own father or uncle or cousin in her own house. Or are we going to pretend that never happens?

Basically I'll be blunt, the reason why parents don't like sleepovers is that they want their daughters to grow up virgins so that they are marketable for marriage. If anything gets in the way of their "reputation" they declare it haram to "protect their children". So they make up these rules like the girl has to be home by maghrib or that she isn't allowed to sleepover anyone's house.
I mean the fear is legitimate, lots of things can happen to children especially in the world we live in. But if you let paranoia take over and restrict your child so much you'll end up facing the consequences. I guarantee it, I've seen it over and over again in the youth here.

Anyways as I said, everyone is going to raise their child differently, but please don't bring in Islam and twist it so you can justify something you want your children to do/not do.

To the original poster, I would just respect your parents feelings inshaAllah and perhaps if they say no you can try to get something else out of them ;)

wlm,


09/15/05 at 21:31:30
jannah
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
Siham
09/15/05 at 22:12:54
[quote author=link=board=madrasa;num=1126572729;start=10#17 date=09/15/05 at 21:28:27]
Again, I doubt a sleepover is going to take travel of 3 nights and 3 days.
[/quote]

Duh... I thought it would be useful information since we were discussing this issue anyways lol
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
Fozia
09/16/05 at 05:11:14
[slm]

My stance would be the same regardless of my child's gender. I don't go for the, well he's a boy he can and your a girls so you can't.

My great aunt used to sweep us all in doors at Maghrib time, saying that this was when the sahyateen were around and people shouldn't be out of doors unneccessarily, by all of us I mean boys and girls.
Interesting, I didn't realise this was a typical desi trait.

You must remember, that as far as possible ones instincts are to protect ones children.



Wassalaam
09/16/05 at 05:12:08
Fozia
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
tq
09/16/05 at 09:04:40
Assalamo elikuim



"Basically I'll be blunt, the reason why parents don't like sleepovers is that they want their daughters to grow up virgins so that they are marketable for marriage. If anything gets in the way of their "reputation" they declare it haram to "protect their children". So they make up these rules like the girl has to be home by maghrib or that she isn't allowed to sleepover anyone's house.  "

If this was the reason I am sure then the parents wont even allow their daughters to go out. I have never heard of this reason :)

I personally think that all  parents have right to make rules what they think are right for their kids - ofcourse as long as they dont conflict Islamic teachings. As far as I know not allowing sleep overs dont fall into the category of going against Islam :) .

My daughter is only 5 months old therefore she cant ask for sleep overs :) but my sons almost 11 and 8 have asked this  and the answer has been no( the same as if my daughter would have asked )

I am sure just because we have not allowed sleep overs, our kids will  run  away and leave Islam as soon as they get a chance :)

So basically if your parents allow sleep overs then that is great I am sure they have checked everything etc adn if they dont then that is ok too and not something with a devastating effect :)


Wasalam
tq

09/16/05 at 09:06:38
tq
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
timbuktu
09/16/05 at 10:16:15
[slm]

jannah: [quote]I mean sleeping over someone's house for one night is similar to a visit. What is the difference between night and day?  It's like saying you can't go visit anyone's house for a day unless there is a mahram with you.  

Even the most conservative of scholars allow women to go to Hajj without a mahram in a group.[/quote]

As far as I remember there is a Hadith to the effect that women should not stay the night outside their home in another place without a Mahram.

This is definitely the ruling of Hanafi Ulema from the IndoPak subcontinent.

And Hajj without a Mahram is not permitted to non-shia. In Pakistan when you apply for Hajj, they ask you if you are Sunni or Shia, and the woamn can go only without a Mahram if she declares herself a shia.

Of course in Paki they do not know what the Maliki, Shafiee or Hanbali stand is, as these are very few. But in some government setups they have introduced the option "Wahabi" when you are required to declare your sect.
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
jannah
09/16/05 at 12:58:42
I'd like to see the ruling and the ahadith it's based upon, and what if the Mahram gives permission?

Secondly the Hajj issue is separate, but needless to say many girls i know have gone in groups for umrah and hajj with visas from the Saudi government itself. Malaysian girls typically go in school groups before they are married. A few groups here like Zaytuna have gone in groups as well. Women over 45 can go by themselves freely too if they get permission from their Mahrams or prove they have no Mahram.
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
panjul
09/16/05 at 16:48:28
[slm]

Yes Jannah, the inccident is known to my mom personally. And I dont want to give further info as that would embarass the family and the girl. And she did not make it up to keep me from sleeping over at friends houses. Because she allowed me to sleep over my two best friends houses as we trusted the families and knew them very well.

Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
bhaloo
09/16/05 at 19:13:48
[slm]

My question was, what goes on at these sleepovers?   Is EVERYTHING  that goes on there able to be discussed with one's parents?  
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
Siham
09/16/05 at 22:11:51
Assalamu' Alaikum,

Well, quite frankly I think children should not go to sleep-overs, until they are old enough to think for themselves and are able to make responsible decisions in sha Allah.

I remember the very first time, that I was allowed to sleep-over at my friend’s house -- I was actually 19yrs old lol and the only male in the house was a little boy -- who was 7yrs old at that time.

wassalam.

09/16/05 at 22:18:16
Siham
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
Siham
09/16/05 at 22:35:23
Protecting Kids From Sexual Abuse
by Pinky McKay

While talking to children about sexual abuse may prompt parental discomfort, the concept of prevention programs in schools, especially at primary level, arouses outright controversy. Yet, protective behaviours can and should be taught to all children - even preschoolers.

Thankfully, very young children can be taught protective behaviour without ever hearing frightening terms like "sexual abuse".

The underlying philosophy behind protective behaviour programs such as those currently taught in many schools includes two themes:

     *We all have a right to feel safe at all times.
     *nothing is so awful that we can't talk about it with someone we trust.

Pat jewell, Manager of Parenting and Prevention Programs for the Children's Protection Society, Victoria, acknowledges that these concepts are probably as abstract to a preschooler as the concept of "Stranger Danger."

However, it is never too early to sow the seeds of Protective Behaviour, she claims. Unlike the old "Stranger Danger" messages, Protective Behaviours do not prescribe action to be taken by children. Instead, the emphasis is on learning communication skills, assertiveness and problem solving.

According to Pat Jewell, these skills can be best learnt from good parental role models. She says, "These are life skills and can be used in day to day situations as well as any threatening situations, from being unable to put on a kindergarten smock to forgetting a school lunch or being offered a lift by a drunk driver."

Children learn to recognise body signals such as butterflies in the stomach, sweaty palms, shortness of breath and a fast heartbeat, which could be early warning signs that they may be in a potentially unsafe situation. Pat Jewell says, "Little children may be frightened by a dog barking or the open toilets at the kindergarten. It is the child's right to decide whether she feels safe or unsafe. It's important to respect that feelings belong to each child and that feeling is right for that child."

Children may need help to name and express their feelings appropriately. Instead of discussing or redirecting feelings, affirm your child's right to listen to her body signals then encourage problem solving by asking, "Can you think of a way to make it safe?" Suggest, "You don't feel ready yet?" this helps her believe she might be able to do the scary thing (perhaps jump into the Pool) another time.

As well as teaching children proper names for body parts including the genitals, we can teach them that the mouth and areas covered by the bathing suit are special and no one has the right to touch these against a child's will. Children can be taught that if such touching occurs, they can declare an emergency. In an emergency, all bets are off. It’s OK to resist with biting, kicking,screaming- whatever they need to do to protect themselves.

Children's conditioning to obey adults may mean they need permission to take control of their bodies. Pat Jewell emphasises the importance of giving consistent messages about compliance. She says, "Children have a right to refuse any unwanted touching, whether it's Grandma's kisses, cheek tweaking from strangers or unrelenting tickling when a child is clearly upset. "No means No" is a good family rule."

We can help children develop the concept of networks - people they can trust and approach if they need help - by problem solving. Discuss situations such as, "What if you get separated from me at the shopping centre, who could you go to for help?" Older children who can understand the concept of a network, can be shown how to draw their network. Trace an outline of one of their hands. The thumb represents people at home and each finger represents other adults who are accessible, will listen to the child and will believe the child and take action if necessary. Children themselves can decide who they want on their network and they may change the people at any time.

Children need to know that if they ask for help and they aren't taken seriously, they should try again or ask another person.

Above all, demonstrate by your own actions that you are willing to listen to your child. Encourage children when they share their feelings with you by saying, "I'm happy you told me that." Recognise that when we listen to children and take their concerns seriously, we are playing an important role in preventing abuse and violence. Children who are used to being listened to are more likely to disclose information about unsafe feelings or behaviour.

There are benefits to implementing Protective Behaviour strategies as part of family life, but they should never be seen as a magic wand to keep children safe. Children need supervision until they develop the skills to understand that they might be in danger.
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
jannah
09/16/05 at 23:39:33
[slm]

explaining what a slumber party is like to a parent who never went to any is like....

...explaining what goes on at henna parties to a groom
...explaining soft vanilla ice cream to a lactose intolerant person
...explaining what looking down on the earth feels like to someone in the 6th century..


basically there's no words!!
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
timbuktu
09/17/05 at 12:59:31
[slm]

About the Saudis allowing unattended females to perform Hajj, it is thier policy not to stop any Muslim except for law and order reasons, in accordance with the Quran. In the last days of hajj, they stop enforcing the quota people normally resident or present in Saudi Arabia. That is why the number of unregistered Hajjis is so large.

Personally I can see benefits in "sleepovers" like bonding and buildup of self-confidence.

I haven't asked a sheikh yet if there is a Hadith on this. When I do, I will post it.

I can also see benefits in letting women go around without a Maharam, and I may add that it becomes necessary at time, for education or work reasons.

However, if the sharia forbids any of these, then the harm in it must be greater than in allowing it, as we are told for alcohol and gambling.

and for that reason, I think I will approach a sheikh about it when I can.

In the meantime I came across a question and answer which simply says :

[quote][size=2]Question:

How do we as muslims living in the west maintain an Islamic Education for our children. Primary and secondary education upto the age of 15/16 may be provided in Muslim schools (which are also very expensive), but as for Higher Education there is no such Islamic Institute.

Even on the secondary school level on the agenda of Curriculum, we do not have books that deal with the branches of knowledge that are available in secular institutes, such as; Political science, Sociology, Psychology, Pedagogy.

Please advise on how we should go about bringing about an Islamic Education fystem for our Youth i the west (bearing in mind that it is near Impossible for us to migrate to Arab/Muslim countries because of the restrictions on immigration etc.)

May Allah reward you.

Answer:

Praise be to Allaah.

7. Their children have to sleep at home and should stay home as much as possible, to protect them from the influences of the bad environment outside. They should be very strict in not allowing their children to sleep outside the home (“sleepovers”).[/size][/quote]

Although this is from islamqa.com, I do not see this as a fatwa, but rather as advice. I also want to know the sharia reason.

The complete answer is worth reading, for it deals with other things besides "sleepovers".

Home >Pedagogy education and upbringing>Children's upbringing>

[center]Question #4237: Islamic education in the West[/center]


http://www.islam-qa.com/

and search for Question Number: 4237
or for the Title: Islamic education in the West in the section:

Pedagogy education and upbringing>Children's upbringing>
09/17/05 at 13:11:05
timbuktu
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
Muslimah08
09/17/05 at 14:15:47
[quote author=jannah link=board=madrasa;num=1126572729;start=20#27 date=09/16/05 at 23:39:33][slm]

explaining what a slumber party is like to a parent who never went to any is like....

...explaining what goes on at henna parties to a groom
...explaining soft vanilla ice cream to a lactose intolerant person
...explaining what looking down on the earth feels like to someone in the 6th century..


basically there's no words!!
[/quote]


exactly ::) but what can ya do? :)
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
theOriginal
09/17/05 at 15:55:56
[slm]

My parents were pretty ok with sleepovers...it depended on who the person was, and for what reason I was sleeping over.

But I HATE SLEEPOVERS.  I wake up with a really bad feeling on the inside.  Does that happen to anyone else?  It's like this really yucky feeling, and I just feeling like heading home, and cooking a meal for my mom.

My sister hates sleepovers too.  Maybe we had a distrubed childhood or something.

Man, my kids are so not going to be sleeping over at random people's houses.  I hope they have cousins closeby, because then it's ok.  

Wasalaam.
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
Nistar
09/17/05 at 19:15:07
Assalamu 'alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakauhu...

Insha'Allah whatever I will say in the next few sentences will have good merit / meaning in it -- and if so, it comes from Allah Subhanna wa ta'ala alone, as all faults and mistakes are my own.

I have lurked (and avoided) on this site for years now because of topics like this.  And I'm fully prepared to have whatever I have to say completely negated by fatwahs or opinions, which I have no doubt, come from more knowledgeable sources than my own.  And that's O-K.  

Agreed -- what parents decide for their children is their own business.
Agreed -- terrible things have the potential to occur at sleepovers, in parking lots, at family members' homes, and even in mosque closets.

Whether or not a female can travel (even across the street it seems) is up to a persons individual beliefs, and from what sources these beliefs are based upon -- and should be respected if based upon valid sources.

All I know is that I agree with Jannah et al.  

Travelling with mahrems aside (as, at least in the North American context, if you follow what ISNA has to offer, women travelling and living without mahrems for the purpose of education, appears to be permissible if she has support of her posse and elder members of the community to ensure her safety), I also have had many wonderful experiences at the houses of my sisters all throughout my university career.

We just didn't call them sleep-overs.  Sometimes, they'd be dhikr parties.  Or, can you believe it, we'd gather after iftar, pray ishaa', pray taraweeh, observe itikaf, get up and make everyone suhoor, pray fajr, and read Qur'an until it was time for class.

Subhan'Allah.

And yet again, the fact that this issue a) divides us or at least places us all on differing sides; b) exhausts our energies discussing issues that are going to take place in our community anyway; c)causes people's viewpoints, opinions and beliefs to be superseded by the all-knowing fatwa-bank;  and c) alienates countless of struggling Muslims... just.. sigh... well, it's just too much sometimes you know?

But now I know why Muslims wax and wane between participating with the community and just hiding from it all.
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
jannah
09/17/05 at 19:36:29
Nistar,

Please don't avoid the site, we need more people like you!!!

It's true this is a pattern on a lot of websites, not just this one... a topic will come up and someone will post an opinion/hadith/fatwa they have making it haram and then its like it's all over. The most conservative/hardline even sometimes lacking any islamic merit at all becomes the bottom line... ie my "the haram floats to the top theory". It's very frustrating.

Anyways about the sleepover issue... I don't take offence.. I think most of the people posting about it in this thread are parents of young children.  Parents trying to raise their children as good Muslims in the world we live in. That's got to be scary for anyone and wanting to protect them to the point of suffocation is probably second nature. Eventually when the kids grow up I have no doubt they're going to go let them sleepover their "cousins" or "close friends" houses and most of them will end up living away at university. If I live long enough I can give them the rolley eyes smily  ::)
Fatwas, our own opinions and sharia
timbuktu
09/18/05 at 02:26:15
[slm]

[sigh] Jannah, I do not regard fatwas as shutup calls. When the reasons on which the ruling is based are explained, these are educational, and if there are other rulings with their reasons, the issue can be clearer in my mind. When I do not follow (even consistently) what has been explained and I have no shara`ee argument, I know I am wrong and I must seek forgiveness fe\rom Allah (swt).

Siham's posting of the fatwa was a good one. I do not always agree with that site, But it gave reasons for the ruling, and explained the issue. Since it also gave the Hadiths on which the rulings are based, I wouldn't need to ask any sheikh about that.

Some here do find fatwas helpful in deciding what to do.

Some of us (like me, and I am not counting Jannah as she is far more learned and practicing of the deen than me) have come to make choices without asking the learned ones in the deen. How right is it for us to do so?

Are we qualified to decide for ourselves on such matters even without knowledge?

A lot of my actions are against the rulings of the sharia, and not all of them are unavoidable. I think justifying them by saying it Is one's own choice or by blaming the environment is not the correct thing to do, at least for me. If I justify them this way, I will not seek forgiveness for them, and there may never be a time for me to try to come back to asking those who know, which latter is what we have been told to do when an issue comes up.

I can, however, understand those whose peace of mind is disturbed if they do not follow a fatwa once it has been brought to their notice, and hence they would want to avoid reading them.
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
Nistar
09/18/05 at 11:27:56
Assalamu 'alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuhu,

Hi Janna  ;)   Thanks.  I think perhaps my initial reaction was just based on an overload.  It's not the issue per se that inspired me to post, but perhaps the fact that people were disagreeing yet again, over a seemingly innocuous topic.

As for haraam floating to the top theory -- I tend to agree.  This word has the potential to wield great power.  I remember giving a lecture on marriage to the youth group once, and every question was how to deal with "haraam MSN" or "haraam message boards" or "haraam to speak to bros in my math class"... and asking them to think in terms of "not-halaal". (as, haraam is pretty straight-forward.  But something that is *not* halaal, does *not* mean that it is haraam.  I once heard Dr. Jamal Badawi give an amazing khutbah on the various stages/levels between neutral and halaal).
We all know this, in daily life, everything is halaal, except what is specifically outlined in the Qur'an/Sunnah as being haraam.  In ibaadat, everything is haraam, except what is specifically outlined in the Qur'an/Sunnah as being halaal.  And so when someone makes a claim of haraam, it can be threatening and impressive (in that, "my source is more knowledgeable than you" kind of impact).

Now the question is, how do we determine what the Sunnah has outlined and how to interpret the Qur'an?  Some turn to their sheikhs, who have 'ijazas in hadith and law.  Some turn to the broad rules of their madhahib.  Some turn to fatwahs.  Some stick to their own interpretation.

I haven't read the Medina Constitution in a while (should go do that now, and apologies if I've overstepped boundaries), but I always thought that just mass-posting fatwahs was, at the very least, a contentious issue?

Fatwahs themselves are case-specific rulings, and the knowledge of a fatwah released in South Africa, may have no bearing on a situation in Montreal.  But if one gains guidance and comfort in that, and is not hurting themselves or others, there is no harm in turning to it as a source of guidance.  The new issue comes, in determining if the source of the fatwah is sound.  Sure, it's based on hadith, but *who* has made the ruling, and *who else* has made different rulings?  As point of observation, I could relay fatwahs from Asgar Ali Engineer, who is very knowledgeable, but is interpreting the shariah within a specific context, and who would most certainly make some people on this board (myself included) very uncomfortable.

My degree and research is in the formation of the madhahib, specifically the Maliki madhhab.  What we may not always realise, is what actually is outlined in the early books of law: opinions and varied fatwahs.  If you pick up Imam Malik's Muwattah or Ibn Khaldun's treatise on law, or any of the recorded works from the law schools and their students, and look up any given topic, ie: sleepovers (just an example, it's not there), you will find:  "...in the matter of X, the Medinan scholars ruled this way, and the school of Shafi'i ruled that way. Hanbali disagrees on this point, and explains how the hadith used is not to be trusted.  Hanif disagrees with him, and says "Y". But this is how I rule on the matter of X, and this is why. And God knows best."

So when looking at fatwahs, especially on the internet, it is sometimes advantageous to simply do a little digging, find out who is making it, how and on what they base their opinion on, what was the specific case that they are forming their opinion for, and perform a little itjihad of your own to see how it applies to you.

But Allah really does know best.

Just broad questions insha'Allah, intended to open discussion -- I'm not focusing on any member, so if I have offended, I meant none.  And apologies if this is the millionth time this has been discussed.  I recognize that I have not been active on this board.. heheh... so it's ok to say, "who is this sister and where did she come from!?!?!?"

fee aman'Allah
09/18/05 at 11:39:00
Nistar
Re: Wrong to have sleep overs?
Halima
09/18/05 at 17:46:16
jannah wrote:
[quote]Secondly the Hajj issue is separate, but needless to say many girls i know have gone in groups for umrah and hajj with visas from the Saudi government itself. Malaysian girls typically go in school groups before they are married. A few groups here like Zaytuna have gone in groups as well. Women over 45 can go by themselves freely too if they get permission from their Mahrams or prove they have no Mahram.[/quote]

Ah.... so in two years time, I can INSHA-ALLAH, go to Hajj alone!  I was thinking of going with Mahad!  Whenever Allah wills, i.e.

I am a mother of two boys and when it comes to giving permission to a child to go somewhere to spend a night, it really doesn't matter whether the child is a boy or girl.  The maternal or paternal instict of protection kicks into gear.  It is more a reflex action which Allah has endowed parents with.

But then again, every parent has a right to know where and with whom the child is going.  And situations vary.  The anoymous poster indicated her age, that she is going for a sleep over but did not say what type it is, with whom and why.  These are pertinent information with which helpful, insightful or logical responses could have been made.

Paranoia and fear over horrible stories heard or witnessed can sometimes turn parents into control freaks, even me.  But sometimes we need to sort fear from reality as parents.  Because it is true that we can hinder our children from interacting with other good Mulsim kids.  Mahad is now 18.5 and is involved in Da'awah activities with other Muslim kids (boys) in their local Masjid.  And for the first time in his life, I gave permission for him to go on a Da'awah trip with same boys for 3 days out of town.  Granted, I worried but not that he was with the wrong group or going for a trip for the wrong reasons but about "what if something happens"!  And that something could be anything.  I didn't show my worry to my son but kept inwardly.  BECAUSE THE TIME HAD COME THAT I HAVE TRUST HIM.  And I left the rest to ALLAH (SWT).

You can not believe how relieved I was when he returned home!!!  I hope every parent here or Muslim parent in the world will learn to trust their kids when the time comes.  IT WON'T BE EASY.  And remember theres is no boy or girl about it when a child does the unacceptable or something bad happens to him or her.  I still find myself calling Mahad when he is not home when he is supposed to be.  I did not allow him to use public transport by himself until he was 16!

If we decide or say everything is wrong, where would working mothers like me be?

May Allah (SWT) grant us the wisdom to do what is right for our kids.  May Allah (SWT) grant us the wisdom to study situations and events involving our kids and help us make the right choice for them.  May Allah (SWT) grant us the wisdom not to jump into conclusions based on fear.  May Allah (SWT) grant us the wisdom to look at every side of the coin.  May Allah (SWT) grant us the wisdom to know that situations are different.  May Allah (SWT) grant us the wisdom to help our kids be good, responsible and compassionate Muslims.




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