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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Husband thinks I'm boring...HELP!! |
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| Anonymous |
| 09/12/05 at 21:53:33 |
| Assalaamu alaikum dear sisters As you can tell from the title, my husband has recently told me that he finds me boring. We have two young children under the age of 2 alhamdulillah, and I find absolutely no time for myself - how am I supposed to be less boring for him?! I try my best to dress up and look nice when he returns home from work, but what else is there? Looking fwd to your feedback. |
| Re: Husband thinks I'm boring...HELP!! |
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| pearl |
| 09/12/05 at 23:00:50 |
| [slm] Goodness! What does your hubby expect of you? You're very busy with 2 young children and a house to keep up. Possible solutions: Does he want to be able to discuss literature with you? Then perhaps he can real aloud to you at the end of the day before you retire. This could be followed up by him doing something romantic like getting up in the middle of the night when one of the babies wakes up crying. Does he crave different foods? He can take you out for dinner. Or he can cook dinner for you. Or cook it with you. And he could help feed the kids. And help clean up. Does he want romance? How about an evening at a nice hotel? Or just an evening spent at home with just the 2 of you? Maybe the kids could spend the night at grandma's every now and then to make this happen. Maybe you'd be interested in taking a seminar at the masjid or a local adult school and your hubby would watch the kids. Then you'd have more to talk about together. I guess the point I'm making is that if your hubby thinks you are "boring" he can do something positive about it. And I hope he appreciates that your "boring" life at home all day everyday is the reason that he has a comfortable home life and children that are well cared for and loved. Pearl :-) |
| Re: Husband thinks I'm boring...HELP!! |
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| Fozia |
| 09/13/05 at 04:26:28 |
| [slm] Shortly after I had my first daughter, my husband sat me down and told me he was scared I was ill, I'd lost a lot of weight very fast and I hadn't even noticed. I have two little girls alhumdulillah, one has turned two and the other will celebrate her first birthday soon Inshallah. With taking care of two babies, keeping a beautiful clean house, and cooking gourmet meals, I'm afraid my husband would be missing a couple of teeth were he to tell me he found me boring. I work to keep my sanity, a couple of days a week, my husband takes care of the girls if he's able ie not at work himself. Ask your husband what exactly he finds boring about you, how would he like you to become more interesting??? Then Take up Sr. Pearls excellent suggestions and leave the children with their father, while you go and make yourself more interesting... for your husband of course. Wassalaam |
| Re: Husband thinks I'm boring...HELP!! |
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| Kathy |
| 09/13/05 at 08:45:34 |
| [slm] The advice Dr. Phil had yesterday for a tv viewer with the same concern was to redirect the problem to the hubby. Tell him that if he plays with the kiddies, gives them thier nightly bath and puts them to bed, while Mom 'prepares' herself, ex... long soak in the tub, for some nightly 'spice'.... things won't be so boring! ;) Alot of dads have no clue how tough a day with the kids can be. He also said a stay at home mom's job is equivlant to 2 full time jobs! |
| Re: Husband thinks I'm boring...HELP!! |
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| lala |
| 09/13/05 at 10:05:52 |
| [slm] I"m in my late 20's and my mom ( who's been a stay at home mom) still does my laundry for me and cooks dinner every night for us. SHe also cleans the house thoroughly each week and of course the daily to do.... she drives me to the train in the morning and makes me breakfast too. Imagine that- 3 fold ( 3 kids) ..okay 2 now. And imagine that- when we were younger and needed more hand holding.. It's a tough job. I wouldnt want it. Try reading the paper or something. At least you can discuss world affairs or something :) anyhow, salaam |
| Re: Husband thinks I'm boring...HELP!! |
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| Siham |
| 09/13/05 at 10:15:58 |
| How to Be a Successful Wife 1. Use your 'Fitnah' to win the heart of your husband All women have the ornaments that Allah blessed them with. Use the beauty Allah - Azza wa Jal - has bestowed you with to win the heart of your husband. 2. When your husband comes home, greet him with a wonderful greeting Imagine your husband coming home to a clean house, an exquisitely dressed wife, a dinner prepared with care, children clean and sweet smelling, a clean bedroom - what would this do to his love for you? Now imagine what the opposite does to him. 3. Review the characteristics of the Hoor Al-Ayn and try to imitate them The Quran and Sunnah describe the women in Jannah with certain characteristics. Such as the silk they wear, their large dark eyes, their singing to their husband, etc. Try it, wear silk for your husband, and put Kohl in your eyes to 'enlarge' them, and sing to your husband. 4. Always wear jewelry and dress up in the house. From the early years, little girls have adorned themselves with earrings and bracelets and worn pretty dresses - as described in the Quran. As a wife, continue to use the jewelry that you have and the pretty dresses for your husband. 5. Joke and play games with your husband. A mans secret: they seek women who are lighthearted and have a sense of humor. As Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - told Jabir to marry someone who would make him laugh and he would make her laugh. 6. Thank your husband constantly for the nice things he does. Then thank him again. This is one of the most important techniques, as the opposite is a characteristic of the women of hellfire. 7. An argument is a fire in the house. Extinguish it with a simple 'I'm sorry' even if it is not your fault. When you fight back, you are only adding wood to the fire. Watch how sweetly an argument will end when you just say sincerely, "Look, I'm sorry. Let's be friends." 8. Always seek to please your husband, for he is your key to Jannah. Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - taught us that any women who dies in a state where her husband is pleased with her, shall enter Jannah. So .. please him. 9. Listen and Obey! Obeying your husband is Fard! Your husband is the Ameer of the household. Give him that right and respect. 10. Make Du'aa to Allah to make your marriage and relationship successful. All good things are from Allah. Never forget to ask Allah ta'ala for the blessing of having a successful marriage that begins in this Dunya and continues on - by the Mercy of Allah ta'ala - into Jannah. And Allah ta'ala knows best. |
| 09/13/05 at 10:18:53 |
| Siham |
| Re: Husband thinks I'm boring...HELP!! |
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| M.F. |
| 09/16/05 at 15:34:20 |
| Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah I'm sure I'm overreacting but if my husband had the gall to call me boring if I were keeping his house and children it would set a lot of things off, and not good ones. I'd also think he was trying to tell me something else, but that's just me and my projections. I think men who don't appreciate their wives should trade places with them for one day. See how "interesting" they feel by the end of it. I only have one child and it's still exhausting, and by the time my father gets home I can barely keep my eyes open, let alone "adorn myself" and "use my fitnah" and "enlarge my eyes with kohl" . And I'm sorry but that list above... how realistic is that, honestly. I know I've read it before, probably before I got married and definitely before I gave birth. Maybe back then I though, sure, that's doable... but really: Try to imitate the hoor??? Sing to your husband? with all due respect to sis Siham though, no offense ok? Jazakillah khair, it is a good reminder that men do like to see their wives make themselves pretty, but I just think it's way unrealistic as guidelines. |
| Re: Husband thinks I'm boring...HELP!! |
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| bhaloo |
| 09/16/05 at 19:20:11 |
| [slm] [quote author=Siham link=board=sis;num=1126572813;start=0#5 date=09/13/05 at 10:15:58] 9. Listen and Obey! Obeying your husband is Fard! Your husband is the Ameer of the household. Give him that right and respect. [/quote] If a man said this on this board, he would be beaten up pretty badly. In fact a whole thread could be created on this very subject and would sure create some interesting discussions. |
| Re: Husband thinks I'm boring...HELP!! |
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| Caraj |
| 09/16/05 at 19:41:49 |
| I think I'd have to agree with Sr. Fozia, about if a husband told me I was boring, I'd be afraid he'd need some serious dental work. The thing is this sister has not said is (and I am NOT asking, just food for thought) if she knows how he finds her boring. ( intellectually, appearance wise, sexually) Women are expected to cook and clean and make and care for the children and look after his needs and even sometimes his families needs and still suppose to be the sweet exciting thing he married when she had no children and no cares in the world. >:( Sister ANON, I would suggest asking him in a clam manor in which way he feels this and what does he see as the solution? Best wishes, best wishes, I think had it been me, it would of taken an army to hold me back from hitting him over the head with a frying pan (A cast iron one at that) |
| 09/16/05 at 19:44:00 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Husband thinks I'm boring...HELP!! |
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| Siham |
| 09/16/05 at 22:17:11 |
| [quote author=bhaloo link=board=sis;num=1126572813;start=0#7 date=09/16/05 at 19:20:11][slm] If a man said this on this board, he would be beaten up pretty badly. In fact a whole thread could be created on this very subject and would sure create some interesting discussions.[/quote] Well, bro I’m sure that the people have legitimate reason for this (e.g., brothers who demand respect, that they are not worthy of in reality etc . . . ) Furthermore I think it should be made clear here, that the husband should ONLY be obeyed in halal matters – which is as long as it does not come in conflict with the Sharia of course. |
| Re: Husband thinks I'm boring...HELP!! |
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| Siham |
| 09/16/05 at 22:23:08 |
| Here’s an interesting article that I’ve come across, I hope it sheds some more light on this matter in sha Allah. The Good Husband, (a blessing) A believing man must never hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one trait in her, he will find another trait in her with which to be pleased.' (Hadith in Muslim) Respect can never be gained by simply telling someone to respect you. Respect has to be earned, by how you speak and how you act--in other words, through the total message of what you are. It is absolutely vital in a good Islamic marriage that the wife respect her husband, otherwise the marriage is going to be a miserable business. Since one of the basic ground-rules of Islamic marriage is that the husband is the 'imam' and the head of the household, he has to prove himself worthy of that position. It is not true that a Muslim wife is expected to obey her husband in every single thing he says--there is a very important proviso. If the husband attempts to order her to do anything that clashes with Islam, it is her duty NOT to obey him, but to point this out (tactfully and gently), and to change his orders! Therefore, if the wife is to respect her man, he must do his utmost to be worthy of and to merit that respect. Many women, particularly in these days of 'women's lib,' wonder why it is that a man should ever be considered as head of the household. Most women know that most men have very little to do with the housework and routine side of things; some of them leave all the financial control of day-to-day expenditure to their wives, and sometimes even more important financial planning. It is the mother who usually has most to do with things as important and varied as training the children in good manners and sound belief and seeing that there is food to eat in the house, and things as trivial as seeing that there is a clean shirt, a pair of socks, that things are picked up and put away, that toilets get cleaned, and so forth. Once women have learned how to cope with all this, many of them do not see why they should regard their husbands as the head of the household. In Islam, this concession to the man is of vital importance. It is part of God's plan, part of His ordinance. It was ordained long before the revelation to the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him). It was stressed in Christianity as well: for instance in one Christian text we read: 'Let wives be in subjection to their husbands as if to the Lord, because a husband is head of his wife as Christ is head of the congregation.' (Ephesians, 5:22-24.) In His final religion, Allah has requested that wives obey their husbands and pay them respect in every matter that does not conflict with His will. Indeed, the Holy Prophet once said that if it had been possible for him to order a human being to bow down to any other human being, he would have asked wives to bow down to their husbands! He could not ask this, of course, for only God has that privilege and right; but it pointed to his deep desire for a happy family relationship in which the husband was definitely the boss! However, before wives close this book in irritation and accuse it of blindly supporting rampant male chauvinism (the view that men are always superior to women, because that is the way things are!), let us make it quite clear that chauvinism, and arrogance, and refusal to listen the other's point of view, have nothing to do with Islam. A good Muslim husband is not chauvinistic or arrogant, or puffed-up with his own opinion of himself. He is also under authority, don't forget--the highest Authority of all. That Authority has commanded him to be humble, modest, gentle, kind and compassionate. It has not required him to go bumbling around issuing orders right, left and centre, the whole object of which might seem to be to get out of doing work himself, or to see all the activities of the members of his household centred around his own comforts and pleasures. Muslim husbands have the Blessed Prophet himself as their example, and they are expected to try to be like him; and to the extent that they succeed in being like him, do we find the respect issuing naturally from their Muslim wives. The more civil and kind a Muslim is to his wife, the more perfect in faith he is, and the more worthy of being her leader. Most men, when they first marry, have to learn how to take hold of that position of authority. They have usually not been in such a position before, but were merely young men in someone else's household. They may never have held the position of boss at work, or in the office, or in the factory. They may have little or no idea about 'public relations' exercises and tactics, and so may well go blundering into terrible staff revolts, strikes and other difficulties and dissatisfactions. The new husband has to realise that when he has just been promoted to a position of 'boss' of a household, he has to learn the skills, or he will encounter the same staff problems. Let us consider a few of them. First and foremost, I suppose, the 'workers' like to see their boss being fair, honest and of sound judgement. These things are absolutely vital. The moment a boss is known to be unfair, incapable or dishonest he is in for big trouble. People will see nothing wrong in their own dishonesty, getting away with whatever they can. Honesty is the key. Without it, the rest of one's religion is worthless. How can a wife truly respect her husband (or vice-versa), when she knows he lies, fakes illness, fiddles the tax returns, or even pinches things? 'People make long prayers to Allah although their food is haram, their drink is haram, and their clothes are haram. How can their prayers be accepted?' (Hadith in Muslim and Tirmidhi) Imam al-Ghazali records: When a certain man went out of his house, his wife and his daughter would say to him: "Beware of illegal earning, for we can endure hunger and hardship, but we cannot endure the Fire." As for the incapable boss, once workers take the point of view that he is an idiot who is going to make a mess of things, they start looking out for themselves to make sure that they, at least, come out of it all right. Next, the boss must never exploit his workforce, or expect unreasonable things of them. Loyal workers will labour way over and above the call of duty for a manager who is decent, just, and gives them fair reward. Once they begin to feel exploited, trouble starts. The first thought is usually to consider if it is worthwhile financially continuing in such a job, if one is slaving away all hours for a pittance, and others are getting preferential treatment over you, and so on. 'He who cheats us is not one of us. (Muslim.) There are so many forms of exploitation in the workplace: And there are so many in marriage. The husband who is 'out at work' from, say, nine to five, and then comes home and puts his feet up for the rest of the evening while his wife continues to work has forgotten something--she was also working nine to five, and very likely started long before that. This applies not only when the wife has a job outside the house, but also when she is working in the house. Many men find this hard to grasp, for some reason. The simple way to prove it would be for the wife to leave him for a few weeks and let the household run down, as it would swiftly do; and then suggest that perhaps the husband should sort it out by hiring someone to come and take over the wife's jobs. As we have seen it was not the Prophet's sunnah to sit back and watch his wives getting exhausted in his service. The boss that really draws out loyalty from his staff is the one who shows his own self-sacrifice. He is prepared to get his hands dirty. He will not ask anyone to do what he would not be prepared to do himself. 'An employer should not ask a worker to do anything beyond his capacity. If that which the employer demands is necessary, then he himself should lend a helping hand to the worker.' (Bukhari) He will not sit behind the closed door with his feet on the desk, but will be a worker alongside the other workers (bearing in mind his rank and job-differentials, of course). He will not exploit or abuse his staff, and--very important--he will pay them their due, justly and in good time. The Blessed Prophet was very clear on all this: 'Give the worker his wage before his sweat dries.' (Ibn Maja) Husbands usually understand all this as regards their place of employment, but many need to realise that the main worker within the family is the wife. She must never be taken for granted--for her payment is so often not money at all, but being noticed, appreciated, and loved. Due to his imperfection and selfishness, there are many times when the husband, while wanting very much to be respected as the head of the family, fails to show the needed consideration and love to his wife, and thus 'shoots himself in the foot. No matter how much a man may actually love his wife, if he doesn't show it, she will not feel loved. No matter how much he does appreciate her, if he doesn't show it, she will not feel appreciated. She may deduce from his attitude that the only things that matter to him are his own pleasure and satisfaction. 'Among my followers the best of men are those who are best to their wives, and the best of women are those who are best to their husbands. To each of such women is set down a reward equivalent to the reward of a thousand martyrs. Among my followers, again, the best of women are those who assist their husbands in their work, and love them dearly for everything, save what is transgression of Allah's laws.' (Cited in Doi, Women in Shari'ah, 9) What else makes bosses unpopular with the workers? When they are domineering. To gain respect, a man has to show himself steady and strong and able to take decisions, but that does not mean that no-one else is ever to be consulted, or that no-one else's opinion counts, or that the wife's opinion should never be seriously considered because it doesn't happen to agree with the husband's. Of course, this does not mean that a husband has to put himself out all the time making himself a slave to his wife's wishes. A domineering wife is worse than a domineering husband! Moreover, wives do not usually appreciate a man who abuses his position of headship by leaving everything to her, and passing over to her all the decision-making. When that happens, the wife soon begins to wonder what use the husband is, and whether she might not actually manage better without him. If the answer to the question, 'What is your husband for?' is along the lines of 'making a mess, creating chores and problems, filling up space, making you do things you don't want to do, and creating a lot of work you wouldn't have to do if he was not there,' then sooner or later a woman is going to wonder why she is doing this--and the marriage is on the rocks. 'Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because God has given the one more strength, and because they spend of their property. Therefore righteous women are the obedient, guarding in (the husband's) absence what God has guarded.' (4:34) The man has to show the protection, the maintenance, and the strength before he receives the obedience and the co-operation. Just because a man is head of the household does not mean that he is issuing commands at every hour of the day. Usually it simply means that when the two of them at times disagree, and a row threatens, he has a casting vote. The husband does not always have to give in to his wife's wishes; but he is a fool if he does not listen to her reasons why she wants a certain thing doing, or wants it doing a certain way. Good Muslim husbands and wives both realise that everyone is capable of making mistakes, of not being perfect, and both should consider each other's rights and requests with an open mind and humility. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) emphasised this time and time again. A modern Nigerian scholar remarks: 'It is a fact, however, that sound administration within the domestic sphere is impossible without a unified policy. For this reason the Shari'ah requires a man, as head of the family, to consult with his family and then have the final say in decisions concerning it. In doing so, he must not abuse his prerogative to cause any injury to his wife. Any transgression of this principle involves for him the risk of losing the favour of Allah, because his wife is not his subordinate but she is, to use the words of the Prophet, the "queen of the house," and this is the position a true believer is expected to give his wife.' (Doi, Women in Shari'ah, 10) Even if the man has more responsibility than the woman and therefore has a 'degree over her,' this does not necessarily make him better than his wife. How can you tell if you are being a good husband? What does a good husband have to do? Well, he has to be a good provider, to the best of his ability. Islam is very keen on men earning, striving and supporting, and not depending on others. What a man spends on his family is a Sadaqa, and a man will be rewarded- even for the morsel that he raises to his wife's lips. (Bukhari and Muslim) He is not one of us who possesses money but keeps his family away from his wealth.' (Mustadrak) A celibate man once told a scholar: 'God has given me a share in every good work,' and he mentioned the Hajj, the Jihad, and so on. 'How far you still remain,' replied the scholar, 'from the work of the saints (abdal).' 'And what is that?' 'Legitimate earning and supporting a family.' (Ghazali) Supporting a wife is not only a training and a discipline, but also a providing and a caring and a form of worship in its own right.' (Ghazali). A man's wife and family have material needs, and things cost money. It is a poor husband who keeps his pay packet to himself, if the wife has no independent financial means of support. It is very galling for most women to be forced to ask their husbands for a bottle of scent, or new underwear, or new clothes for the children, let alone adequate finances to buy the food and pay the bills. Husbands should be alert to the cost of living, and make sure that the allowances they give their wives are reasonable. If the husband just hands over the barest minimum, and keeps everything else for his own pleasure, this is not fair. He can only do this by having a wife who is a slave-worker, and not a wife! Once again, it would be a good exercise for him to work out how much it would cost him to replace his wife with hired help. Being a good provider also means that the husband should not waste his money, or fritter it away. Obviously a man cannot be blamed for being a poor man if it is not his fault; but he can be blamed for being idle, and greedy, and mean, and selfish. In the Western world, many wives are disappointed by husbands who waste their earnings on alcohol, gambling and 'nights out with the boys.' Muslim husbands should obviously not do this, but if the husband innocently goes out three or four times a week to a hired sports centre, he should consider what he is allowing his wife for her relaxation, and whether his use of time and expenditure is fair. A wife who notices her husband spending all his time and money on things like indoor sports is not going to be very thrilled with him for long, as she sits at home alone darning the socks! Muslims should learn to live within their means, and this is often difficult for a new husband and wife. It is so easy to get into debt, especially in modern societies that encourage you to 'live now, pay later.' Muslim couples should be awake to the fact that if they live foolishly and irresponsibly, they will indeed 'pay later,' and not just in cash! The true believers are 'those who, when they spend, are neither prodigal nor miserly; and there is always a firm standing-place between the two.' (25:67.) At the same time, they must take care not to become materialistic. There are things which are more important than keeping up with the neighbours, and having all the latest expensive gadgetry and cars. Riches are a temptation and a snare. So many sayings of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) point this out: 'Riches are sweet, and a source of blessing to those who acquire them by the way; but those who seek them out of greed are like people who eat but are never full.' (Bukhari) 'It is not poverty which I fear for you; it is that you might begin to desire the world as others before you desired it, so that it destroys you as it destroyed them.' (Bukhari and Muslim) 'The love of money is the source of all wickedness.' (Bayhaqi) 'Richness does not consist in the abundance of worldly goods; richness is the richness of the soul.' (Muslim) No matter what wonderful possessions a materialistic way of life may bring, they can never compensate for the pain of seeing family relationships weaken and break down. What is the point of spending so much time at work in order to gain the physical things of life that you have no time or energy left for the spiritual things? And no time or energy to build up love and compassion and friendship in your household? It is up to the husband, as head of the house, to be alert to this and make sure he is doing his spiritual and loving duty. Yes, he should work hard to provide the physical needs of his household; but he should put his ultimate effort not into riches and material things which will pass away, but into the service of God through loving his wife and family, teaching them, and building up their spiritual lives together. 'Nobody shall meet God with a sin greater than that of having left his family in ignorance.' (Imam Daylami) It is vital to realise that this means praying together often, which is actually one of the things so appreciated by Muslim wives who, with the decline of the extended family, so frequently have to pray alone. It is such a lovely thing to kneel behind the head of your house, your husband-imam, and worship with him from time to time. However, your husband-imam must also bear in mind the principles taught by the Blessed Prophet himself, who made his prayers fit the needs and necessities and hardships of the congregation behind him. 'I stand up to pray and I intend to pray at length; but when I hear the cry of a child I shorten it for fear that the mother might be distressed.' (Bukhari and Muslim) Prayer is not meant to be done out of duty or boredom, but out of love. The fiqh of Islam (carrying out the ritual details) is one aspect only; a no less important aspect is the inner dimension of faith, the tasawwuf, which brings spiritual insights and true devotion of the heart. If a husband is obsessed only with thefiqh (outward) aspect, whereas his wife is drawn more towards the tasawwuf (inner) dimension, then here is an opportunity for the devil to creep in between them; for there is a natural tendency for each side to think that their own preoccupation is the best. The tasawwuf worshipper will have a loving awareness of God's presence throughout the day, and as well as performing the basic obligations will pray in short (or long bursts of great personal devotion. The worshipper limited only to the fiqh will regard it as beneficial to perform as correctly as possible, and earn merit, by increasing non-compulsory prayers and rakat. But what Islam requires is that we combine the two. Both fiqh and tasawwuf are dangerous without each other: the inner form of the soul during the prayer and the outward arrangement of the body must be in harmony. The heart must prostrate as well as the body. One fruit of this balanced spiritual activity will be that each spouse is able always to consider the hopes and faith of the other, and to be open-hearted. One partner should not be so preoccupied with his or her own spiritual progress that they fail to show sincere concern for the other. If the husband does not give sufficient attention to his wife's spiritual needs, then in time she may no longer cherish the same goals that he does. If parents do not take enough personal interest in the spiritual growth of their children, they may find their hearts and minds being drawn away by the materialistic world which surrounds them. This will be almost inevitable unless they take the trouble to explain not only the 'whats' but also the 'whys' of Islam. Finally, it is very important for a boss to show respect and honour to his workforce. They are not slaves--they are living beings with their own hopes and feelings, fears and frustrations. This applies particularly to husbands honouring their wives in the sexual relationship, about which more will be said shortly. So much frigidity and lack of interest on the part of wives is caused by husbands who are ignorant of a woman's physical and emotional makeup. Some husbands are harsh and demanding, satisfy their own needs without considering those of their wives, demand sex when their wives are tired or feeling ill, or when they have earlier upset them and put them right out of the mood. They have not grasped the words of the Blessed Prophet who counselled men not to leap upon their women like animals, but to 'send a messenger' first. He also used to say that a man who beat his wife like a slave during the day could hardly expect her to fall happily into his arms later that night. By a simple process of analogy, one must extend this hadith to those men who treat their women like slaves. The same applies: they will only gain disappointment and resentment, not love. |
| 09/16/05 at 22:28:09 |
| Siham |
| Re: Husband thinks I'm boring...HELP!! |
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| Siham |
| 09/16/05 at 22:27:23 |
| to be continued........ Muslim men should obviously not look outside their own home for sexual enjoyment of any kind. If they did, that would certainly not be honouring their wives. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) wisely said on one occasion: 'Whenever any one of you comes across an attractive woman, and his heart is inclined towards her, he should go straight to his wife and have sexual intercourse with her, so that he might keep himself away from evil thoughts.' (Muslim) The husband who honours his wife does not treat her as an inferior being. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) told men to feed their wives with the same sort of food as they received themselves (not obliging them to give them the best all the time, while the wife gets the left-overs!), and clothing them with the same sort of clothes--in other words, if the husband likes expensive and stylish things, he should not spend so much on himself that his wife is reduced to hunting around for cheap bargains and making do. The principle is fairness--yes, the husband may have earned the money, but the woman has made it possible for him, and she has rights over it. 'You shall give her to eat when you take your food, and you shall clothe her when you clothe yourself..' (Hadith from Abu Daud) If the wife falls short of expectations, it is stupid to treat her harshly and make her life unpleasant. Try to improve matters by tact and gentleness and encouragement--as you would like others to do for you when you fall short. Don't start trying to run the kitchen or the household yourself, pushing her out of the way and making her feel embarrassed and small. Bosses who do that to their workers soon find their staff depressed and in revolt, and they usually walk out sooner or later. Far better to communicate, train gently, explain things, and make appreciative noises when things are going right. 'Whichever man is patient with the bad character of his wife shall be given a reward like unto that which Job shall receive; and whichever woman is patient with the bad character of her husband shall be given the same reward as Asiya, the (saintly) wife of Pharoah.' (al-Ghazali) Love may be based on many things, but to be of true value it must go beyond mere human affection or mutual desire and be governed by what is for the highest good of the loved one. That kind of love can sometimes call for reproving or disciplining, just as a parent reproves or disciplines a much-loved child. But in Islam it is important to be long-suffering and kind. Even when a situation provokes you, and perhaps unfair accusations are being made, you must show restraint and generosity. Remember the saying: 'The true Muslim is like the earth: everything foul is thrown upon it, but only what is beautiful grows from it.' True love is not impatient, or 'picky.' It is not jealous or suspicious or possessive. Those things are signs of insecurity, fed by the imagination, and should be watched out for. It is so easy to see other people's faults and failings, and so hard to acknowledge them in ourselves; but if we are good Muslims we must make the attempt. As a hadith says, Blessed is he who is so concerned by his own faults that he cannot see the faults of others.' (Daylami.) True love does not behave indecently or with vulgarity. A good husband or wife does not discuss the shortcomings or intimate skills of their spouse with others, which would be so hurtful if found not. Nobody likes being laughed at, especially for things which are personal and private. The Blessed Prophet said: 'On the Day of Judgement, the lowest person in the sight of God will be the man who is intimate with his wife and then broadcasts her secrets.' (Hadith narrated by Muslim) And Imam al-Nawawi says: 'Know that a husband should never discuss sexual matters with any of his wife's relatives.' This principle applies even after a divorce. Imam al-Ghazali tells a story about a pious man who wanted to divorce his wife, and was asked: 'What have you against her?' He answered: 'A man of understanding does not reveal his wife's secret.' After the divorce, he was asked why he had divorced her, but he merely said: 'What business of mine is another man's wife?' The good husband comes home from work tired, but he does not forget his duties and his love for his family. He may not be in the least eager to chatter, and needs to take rest--but his wife may have been treasuring some detail to tell him all day; and whereas he may have been surrounded by adults to whom he could talk and enjoy conversation, she may have had no-one to talk to but the baby, the cat and the curtains! Honour the rights of your wife, and be kind. And what about the children? If the father makes no time for them, and fails to teach them to respect their mother by his own attitude towards her and treatment of her, then sooner or later he will pay the price for it. Children need to see their parents' love and respect for each other, their united cooperation, and their willingness to help each other. Phrases like 'wait until your father gets homey and 'Go ask your mother!' inevitably cast the person who has to do the disciplining, or has to say 'no,' in the role of villain. If there is to be family happiness, each parent should receive the child's love and respect. On no account should mother and father allow a child to pit one against the other--a skill they pick up very easily, sad to say! If children are expected to respect their parents, then the parents must live in such a way that they are deserving of respect, and provide a good example for the child to follow. Selfishness, bad temper, unreasonableness, laziness, dishonesty, abusiveness: these are all qualities swiftly picked up and copied by children. Earn respect by providing a peaceful and loving Muslim home, a good set of standards, a good and consistent example in your own conduct, sound training in manners and morals, and loving and gentle discipline when needed. Children learn about love by seeing it, and they learn to give love by receiving it. Love cannot be bought. Neglectful parents may shower gifts upon their spouses and children, but to try to buy love only cheapens it. It is not gifts but your time, your energy and your love that are needed--giving, helping, serving, sharing. Watch out for that big person-replacer, the TV screen. TV watching and computer games can become an addiction which replaces doing and living with merely seeing--and most of that seeing is pretty rubbishy, especially mass-produced children's programmes! It also replaces talking together and playing together. In some cases, it even replaces communication while eating together! One day, you might switch the screen off, and find out that your whole family has changed, grown old, and maybe fallen apart. Never underestimate the bonding value of the family meal. Sufyan al-Thawri said: 'I have heard that God and His angels bless a family that eats together.' All human beings need some recognition, to be accepted and approved, to feel that they belong. To get those things, of course, the individual must bear in mind the whole group to which he or she belongs, and to feel valuable, they must contribute to it. Children must learn to take responsibility, to belong to and support the family, and eventually do things for themselves so that they will be able in due course to support their parents and set up families for themselves.* Finally, the little 'extra' touches can really lift up a humdrum relationship. The Blessed Prophet said: 'Even to put a morsel of food into your wife's mouth is a sadaqa" (Bukhari and Muslim). This indicates the kind of tenderness which should exist in a Muslim marriage. The squeeze, the arm around the shoulder, the touch of the hand, the pinch on the cheek, the little gifts that show you have thought about your wife during the day--these are the messengers that really get the message across. 'There is no woman who removes something to replace it in its proper place with a view to tidying her husband's house, but that Allah records it as a virtue for her. Nor is there a man who walks with his wife hand in hand, but that Allah sets it down as a virtue for him; and if he put his arm round her shoulder in love, his virtue is increased tenfold.' (Doi, Women in Shari'ah, 10) No husband or wife is ever perfect; but when a husband shows love and thought for his wife, and acts in accordance with the principles of Islam, he will surely earn not only her love and respect, but that of Allah Himself. The Muslim Marriage Guide - by Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood |
| Re: Husband thinks I'm boring...HELP!! |
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| Fozia |
| 09/17/05 at 10:36:49 |
| [slm] OK my attempts at being houri like of an evening ([s]husband[/s] Amir of the house, is at work during the day so it would be pointless doing this at any other time) Half an hour before he is due home, I dress in a beaded midnight blue outfit with umbrella sleeves, I forget to apply kohl to my eyes, and I leave my hair unbound. I tidy away all the toys and go to fix the girls dinner. Upon my return, I see the children have upended both toy boxes just to be extra helpful. I feed the baby whilst Fatima insists on walking around with a box of biscuits, Khadeeja spits out most of her dinner and as I bend down to pick up the crumbs, she grabs my hair and stuffs as much of it as possible into her mouth. I give up, leave the girls to play whilst I tidy the kitchen, and more importantly wash out the rice from my (no longer shampooed looking) hair. I return to find Fatima has emptied the box of biscuits all over two rooms...Luckily Khadeeja is busily following her eating said biscuits. Enter the amir of the house. He is greeted by two thoroughly excited little girls, I help him take his shoes off (I feel this is adequately houri like). Fatima tells him I hit her :o The amir of the house enquires why I have left the girls with wet hair, on closer inspection I realise Fatima has 'washed' both her and Khadeeja's hair with juice!! The AOTH then asks me why I left Fatima alone with a bottle of juice I reply 'Oh Amir of the house, you told me in March 2004 that I should give Fatima whatever she wants, that I should not allow her to cry', the AOTH is clearly amazed and gratified that he is married to someone who takes his words so to heart. Although his gaze looks like he thinks I have lost my mind I know clearly he is delighted. Before he can reply the nephew of the AOTH enters and we all go shopping for gorceries. I meekly follow the AOTH whilst he loads the trolley, I lose my houri like patience, when I realise that the [s]idiot[/s] I mean AOTH, is going to go to checkout with, pizza, and biscuits. I cannot allow this, as at best we'd get scurvy and worst malnutrition. On returning home we eat (I cooked before we left obviously). I then proceed to bathe both girls. Khadeeja hollers the house down, I realise that the poor child is leaning on my arm and the beading on the dress is digging into her, I try to roll up my sleeves but the umbrella style won't roll up. I manage to get almost as wet as the girls. Both the AOTH and his nephew go to bed, I return downstairs to again tidy away the toys, and clean up the kitchen, and wash the dinner things. I go up to bed about an hour later, wondering what a Houri would talk about to her husband, I find the AOTH snoring his head off. I manage to fall asleep too although my back is killing me and my headaches from where Khadeeja pulled my hair. At 5AM this morning, whilst I am making him breakfast, the AOTH asks me what time I came to sleep last night I reply 11pm. He asks 'why, were you playing on the computer?' :o, I am too far from him to do any real damage, so I satisfy myself with beating the eggs with extra viciousness. Obviously the housekeeping fairy tidied up whilst I played on the computer. She washed the dishes, mopped the floor, hoovered the carpet, wiped down surfaces, and put away those dratted toys >:( Verdict, I am unfortunately unable to continue with this houri business, mainly as I cannot find my kohl to make my eyes big like the houri. So I give up, I really do. BTW anyone want two boxes of toys, local pick up only. Wassalaam |
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| Kathy |
| 09/17/05 at 13:16:51 |
| [slm] My advice stands.... the above post is reality!!! Bravo Fozia! Bravo! The other advice is good too, excellent advice- infact it was making me feel quite in adequate..., just wondering if Siham has a bunch of kids and has had the opportunity to follow her own advice? |
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| Muhajibah |
| 09/17/05 at 16:58:29 |
| LOL omg sis fozia that was just hilarious..yea that's what usually happens though..just like sis kathy said, it's reality lol sometimes it's hard being indirect especially when the other person has no clue what's going on ::) rofl..but thanx for that post :D |
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| Siham |
| 09/17/05 at 22:17:37 |
| [slm] LOL Fozia you just crack me up sis, Come on sisters, the tips were generally intended to provide some guidelines and help for the couples who are interested to keep their marriage work and the fire of love burning etc.,....and surely not the other way around ;) Indeed, marriage is about love and mutual understanding and thus its not about perfection . . subhana’Allah no one is perfect but hopefully we can all strive to please our spouses in sha Allah.. And Allah SWT knows best. PS. Kath the only baby that I have at this moment is my kitty [] |
| 09/17/05 at 22:18:31 |
| Siham |
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| Anonymous |
| 09/22/05 at 00:13:23 |
| Assalaamu alaikum again dear sisters LOL Fozia, that was too funny subhanAllah. JazakAllah khair for sharing your day as a houri with us :) Indeed, the women of jannah have a much higher degree than the houris so inshaAllah we may look forward to the rewards Allah 'azza wa jal has in store for us. I did ask my husband what I could do to be 'less boring'. He wasn't very helpful...and didn't offer many solutions. InshaAllah I will keep trying. |
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| Caraj |
| 09/22/05 at 03:27:00 |
| Sister, many will be making duas for you. Fozia you had me laughing the whole time I was reading your post. Thank you for sharing that. :) |
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| Fozia |
| 09/22/05 at 07:59:39 |
| [slm] I would thoroughly reccommend being a houri for the evening, my husband was so worried about me, he kept ringing me up the next day asking how I was coping, and he kept reiterating how much he loved me. Amusingly he asked if I wanted to continue working or if it was stressing me out did I want to give up!!! Just glad I didn't have to resort to singing to my husband....I'm sure the neighbours would have objected.... The thing to remember dear Sr's, is that a Houri, will have a completely different environment under which to operate, and one doubts whether they will have screaming babies to contend with... And above all this, the husbands of the Houri will be worthy of them.. A point to contemplate one thinks, before condemning ones Sr in Islam for being the one who is lacking. Wassalaam |
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| Maliha |
| 09/22/05 at 09:52:53 |
| [slm] Sr Fozia have i ever said that i absolutely adore your wit?!!!! :-/ :-/ :-/ OMG, I don't think I have ever laughed this much before!!! absolutely brilliant :) [wlm] |
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| sofia |
| 09/23/05 at 00:21:23 |
| As-salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullah I believe the "How to be a successful wife" lecture was one of Mohammad Ash-Shareef's (I even think I attended it before i got married...funny, I should use it more often as a reminder!). Sr. Fozia, excellent post. ;D Depending on your husband, respect really is the key to his heart. Obeying comes with it, but trust me, a husband ends up "obeying" his wife in many ways, too (just don't point it out to him). I heard a talk given by a mother of 10 (!!!) once who brilliantly advised: Always let him think he's the "boss." :-/ It's an art, and she got it down pretty well, masha'Allah! She's been happily married for many years (and insha'Allah many more). In any case, boring or not, one very good piece of advice I received from a married friend before I got married was: Don't forget to please Allah. With all this "be a good wife/please your husband" business you'll get very busy with, it's important to remind each other to please Allah first. Everything else is secondary and falls into place anyhow, in most cases. May Allah (swt) grant you and everyone much success, love and mercy in your marriages. was-salaamu alaykum, sofia |
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| Siham |
| 09/23/05 at 10:30:52 |
| [quote author=sofia link=board=sis;num=1126572813;start=20#20 date=09/23/05 at 00:21:23]Depending on your husband, respect really is the key to his heart. Obeying comes with it, but trust me, a husband ends up "obeying" his wife in many ways, too (just don't point it out to him). I heard a talk given by a mother of 10 (!!!) once who brilliantly advised: Always let him think he's the "boss." :-/ It's an art, and she got it down pretty well, masha'Allah! She's been happily married for many years (and insha'Allah many more). sofia[/quote] Certainly, I think a brother will never give a sister a hard time specially if he really loves her dearly, thus most of the time the sister has the last word in everything lol so I think this actually happens ONLY in case of disagreements -- for instance when people have some disagreements etc...they don't always come into terms and [i] agree to disagree [/i] In this case, I suggest that a sister chooses a brother that she absolutely trusts and has complete confident in his judgements -- specially in case of disagreements, because at the end of the day his decision is to be followed in sha Allah. And Allah SWT Knows best, wassalaam. |
| 09/24/05 at 04:01:20 |
| Siham |
| Re: Husband thinks I'm boring...HELP!! |
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| M.F. |
| 09/23/05 at 14:25:00 |
| [slm] The list that included trying to emulate the houri did remind me to at least try. I've been brushing my hair before my husband gets home almost every night. Last night I thought I'd sing to him, but all I could think of was tikki tikki toot, one of Abdullah's songs. Hubby gently reminded me that silence was golden. I for two days in a row I forgot to put on perfume before he came home but he didn't seem to mind the onion and garlic smell emanating from me. Maybe it gave him an appetite for the almost-appetizing dinner I had made. To make things extra special, I changed my food-stained t-shirt before he got home into one that was also stained, but at least you could tell it had been through the laundry. Having gone through an afternoon of being Abdullah's sole playmate (playing train and car and taxi and bulldozer and truck and his latest favorite, donkey, all involving me bouncing him on my legs in the air and making the appropriate sounds), and discpliner (floundering through time out, yelling, cajoling, bribing, and giving in), I am hardly in the mood for small talk or any other kind of talk when hubs finally gets home. I lie down on the couch while he plays with Abdullah for the 10 minutes to half an hour he's home before bedtime. I'm not even trying to be a houri for an evening, I'd settle for human being. ;) |
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| SisterHania |
| 09/24/05 at 12:58:38 |
| [quote author=M.F. link=board=sis;num=1126572813;start=20#22 date=09/23/05 at 14:25:00] [slm] before he came home but he didn't seem to mind the onion and garlic smell emanating from me. Having gone through an afternoon of being Abdullah's sole playmate (playing train and car and taxi and bulldozer and truck and his latest favorite, donkey, all involving me bouncing him on my legs in the air and making the appropriate sounds), and discpliner (floundering through time out, yelling, cajoling, bribing, and giving in) ;)[/quote] Mashallah, after spending the day forgoing a day in the beauty salon to instead be in the kitchen preparing a meal made with love for your husband. After forgoing a day of shopping and idle chat with friends to spend a day lovingly caring for your son, how can your husband not return home, see how your day was spent selflessly for the comfort of him and your son and not think Allhamdulliah, I'm the luckiest man alive :) |
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| Fozia |
| 09/24/05 at 13:16:33 |
| [slm] That's the whole point methinks. A lot of husbands, appear to think their wives have spent all day at home lounging around. So find themselves getting rather upset, if said wife is looking exhausted and covered in baby sick, at the end of the day..... Although I would absolutely and utterly love to be, wearing the latest fashion, groomed upto and above my perfectly kohl rimmed eyes, and scented in a cloud of the latest perfume when greeting my much loved husband. I cannot do so due to the two most beautiful and demanding little girls in my life. I've done the full time work thing and I can safely say, that was a complete cinch. Coffee breaks mid-morning and late afternoon with hourly lunch breaks in between, weekends off, eight weeks paid holiday, 3% annual pay rise plus the annual bonus...oh yes and recognition and reward of my acheivements. Tis why I would break bones (not mine), if the darling Amir wandered home one day and told me over the three course evening meal (which I will have slaved over for hours) that he finds me boring... I (and I'd bet every other sister), do not wish or expect any of the above for being a good wife, however some sort of mutual respect and recognition that we are doing a lot, without tea breaks, or lunch hours or holidays....or pay. Would be nice, I can't believe the attitude of some people, walk a day in your wife's shoes and see if that doesn't change attitudes pretty quick. I happen to go to work to relax....!!! Wassalaam |
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| muslimah853 |
| 09/28/05 at 12:49:01 |
| [slm] Good points, definitely. I think that besides the fact that dealing with kids all day isn't really conducive to primping, many times the rhetoric in our communities tends to place all of the burden for keeping things 'interesting' on the marital front in the lap of the woman, even if she doesn't have children (and thus theorhetically has endless time to devote to such things). When was the last time any of us heard a lecture in an Islamic setting that exhorted the men to make sure they go to the gym and work out regularly to make themselves attractive for their wives, or to make sure they wear the cologne that their spouse finds 'interesting', or most importantly, made sure that the menfolk knew and understood the importance of nurturing their wives emotionally on an everyday basis that lays fertile ground for healthy intimacy later? When was the last time any of you heard someone telling the men to 'dress up' for their wives? There is a young brother I know who I hadn't seen in a while, and when I ran into him again he was engaged to be married. Masha'allah, he looked different, his hair had grown, he said he was going to the gym all the time. It was soooo cute. Here he was, 'primping' for his future wife. This man had the right idea. Most men, Muslim or not, resent being boxed into some (usually unrealistic) corner when it comes to what they have to do to keep their wives interested. If it is ever suggested that a man must wine and dine his woman all the time (well, metaphorically wine, since we are Muslims), that his love for her is measured by how often he brings her chocolate and flowers or spends alot of money on her, then women are greedy, ungrateful airheads who are too caught up in soap operas or romance novels to evaluate reality. But not a peep when those TV land burdens fall on the woman's shoulders. (I'm thinking June Cleaver here). Reality is, keeping married life 'interesting' falls on the shoulders of both man and wife. If a man finds his wife boring (or vice versa), then he/she needs to look at what they are bringing to the table (or not bringing). This is particularly easy to fall into when children come into the picture, as couples tend to go into survival mode and not make it a priority to spend time and effort nurturing their own couplehood. Even if there are no children, we tend to start taking each other for granted. |
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| abdullahcohn |
| 10/04/05 at 12:18:53 |
| have you thought about finding him a second wife, an intresting one? |
| 10/04/05 at 12:19:55 |
| abdullahcohn |
| Re: Husband thinks I'm boring...HELP!! |
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| joanne |
| 10/27/05 at 20:33:04 |
| [slm] dear sister i doubt your husband really finds you boring!maybee he just wants some attention try not to get to upset children dont stay small forever.The most common mistake i make is being too sensitive god willing things will improve |
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