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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| Pls advice/Boundaries/Am I in the wrong? |
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| Caraj |
| 10/02/05 at 20:57:56 |
| Assalaam Allaikum Dear and precious sisters and brothers. I know my life has been like a soap opera the last 2 years and unfortunately it continues. I had an arguement with my son and he ended it by saying he could not reason with me and I was thinking. OK is it me or him? Am I nuts. I am quite upset and would love some advice and opinions. Forgive me please as this is a long post. I watch my granddaughter a lot, and I love it, :) I would take her everyday if I could. Many times my son asks at last minutes notice. Then asks me to hurry and then does not show up for 1 to 2 hours later. Sometimes he has asked and changed his plans. He and his wife can be quite spontanious and last minute people. Not a complaint but just the way they are and being self employed I am able to accompidate them. Here's what happened. I was to watch her Saturday from 11 am till her bed time, they are selling their home amd need to work on it. I have been watching her a lot. I was also going to help them and take my graddaughter Fri evening. A family member who never gets messages right seen my DIL in a store and was told I was not needed as her mother wanted to spend time with the granddaughter. (The other grandma) and my DIL sais to tell me she would call. This was about 2 or 3 pm Fri. I was confused by the message and also knew since other grandma had just had surgery I highly doubted she was going to be handling a 2 y/o for many hours. I tried 4 times my DIL's answering machine with no success. I tried the home, to confirm the message 4 different time again with no success. I tried my sons cell phone again no success. MESSAGE #1: ___family member X gave me this message and I am confused. Can you call me to confirm. Is this tonight? Tomorrow? Or all week-end? Thank you. Later at the time to pick my granddaughter up I called and MESSAGE # 2: Hello, I am confused by the message I got and I need to confirm if I am needed at all this week-end or not, please call me. I am fine being needed or not. Thank you. These calls and messages were from 3 pm through 8 pm. I had plans to go to an event and come back by 11 and pick up my granddaughter. But I never heard back from them and I was having so much fun I decided to stay. I had left very early in the morning and they are not early risers. I figured I had made 9 calls and left 2 messages, I did my duty and if they needed me they would of called. Their cell pones have caller ID so they know I was trying to reach them. Anyway I got in at 8 pm last night and sat at the pc and ate dinner and got an IM from my son. WHAT THE *******< Don't you answer your messages? :o (He was speaking of the calls he made to me the next late morning) I explained I was out till late, he proceeded to chew me out how they were expecting me and needed the help of child care. I expalined I had tried several times to contact them and figured they would return calls. He said I should of called before I left as they had not checked their messages Fri night when they came home. I told him that was not my fault he does not check messages. I made my effort to make contact. I was told my DIL would call me and she did not. I then asked if I could watch her today and was told No, she was already being watched. I asked for next week and they have already made plans with the other grandma to watch her, then my son said maybe in a couple weeks :o I asked if this was my punishment for not staying home day and night waiting on return calls. He said no. He siad it was me, not following through with prior plans, I guess it did not matter to him that family member X did not get the message right Nor that my DIL did not call nor that they did not check messages. I guess I was to wait for their calls. My son became angry and saID HE COULD NOT REASON WITH ME ::) Ok Brothers and sisters please tell me am I nuts and missing the boat here (sort to speak) or is my son in the wrong? I need to set boundaries, I am very verbally abused at times and I put up with it cause I feel I have 2 choices. #1) To put up with it and have contact with family but be sad as I am verbally abused. OR #2 To set boundaries and not put up with this behavior even though it will risk my time with my granddaughter? Will my granddaughter see how her father treats his mother and treat me the same when older? Am I going nuts and not seeing I did do something wrong? I had such a good day yesterday and was with like minded friends. I would of stayed home or came back early if they had called me. I feel I cannot win for losing. :'( |
| 10/02/05 at 21:00:00 |
| Caraj |
| Re: Pls advice/Boundaries/Am I in the wrong? |
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| dina |
| 10/04/05 at 03:40:33 |
| [slm] sr Azizah, i think the main problem is mis-comunication, i dont agree with the way your son spoke to you. i think you both need to take time out and have some breathing space i know its diffucult when you love someone so much and cared for someone all your life and they speak to your harshly it hurts. try to find things to do so your not constantly thinking about what happen. someone once said to me, when you find yourself in a difficult situation, try not to react because if you react you could make it worse, tyry to make a postive from a negative situation and inshaAllah things will get easier for you take care [wlm] |
| Re: Pls advice/Boundaries/Am I in the wrong? |
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| Fozia |
| 10/04/05 at 16:31:09 |
| [slm] I think your son appears to be in the wrong here. However, Sr. Azizah your really truly need to set down boundaries. I would be so delighted if my mother offered to take care of my two once a week to enable me to go to work, however my mother has clearly stated she will not, and that to be honest is fair enough. Children are really the parents responsibility. You cannot be expected to put your life on hold on the off chance that your baby-sitting services may be required. Tell your son you are hurt by his words, that there is a way to speak to ones mother and his way is not it. Tell him you have a life, and need to know whether your services are required within a reasonable span of time, not weeks but a day ahead would be lovely. Then accept graciously that he does not want your help for the next few weeks, and make sure you're out incase he has an attack of spontaneity and realises there is nobody to babsit. You're a wonderful mother, but one rarely appreciates what one has till it's too late. Love & Duaas |
| 10/06/05 at 16:36:15 |
| Fozia |
| Re: Pls advice/Boundaries/Am I in the wrong? |
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| Caraj |
| 10/04/05 at 22:53:16 |
| Sister Fozia, this is the same son who would not allow me to have my granddaughter over to my home unless he 'Inspected' it ::) You and Brother Timbuktu might remember the incident. Well UPDATE: The next day my dear daughter-in-law, the one who I always brag about. She called and apologized for sending a message she would call and then not call. She told me my son lied to me about making advance arrangements for her future care. >:( The message I got was completely wrong thus I informed them both in the future should they have arrangement of any kind with me they should change or break such arrangements with me and not through a third person where something could get lost in the translation. I feel like my daughter-in-law is my daughter and my son is my son-in-law ??? ::) :( My son, I am so so very proud he is so protective of his daughter, but I never did anything to him growing up as a child and both my sons have all their limbs still so I was not a bad mom. He is so EXTREAMELY protective of her. I'm very proud of the father he became. BUt sometimes I would like to just club him over the head (as does his dear wife) GUESS WHAT EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I finally got to have her over night last night. It was wonderful. She is quite the little snuggler. (she still sleeps with mommy and daddy) In the morning she was so sweet and was not at all upset to be somewhere different. She was just happy to see Grandma. She and I played and laughed and talked and snuggled and giggled for about 20. She would put the covers over our heads and say , hide, hide, hide Then we did the itsey bitsey spider, but the spider (my hand) kept tickling her neck. Sweet bonding time ended quite abruptly when I made the mistake of mentioning breakfast where she quickly jumped out from the blankets, grabbed my arm and said up mam ma up mam ma She can't quite pronounce grandma so it is mam ma. Thank you sisters Dina and Fozia for your posts. Oh and I got her to say Ramadan yesterday. She actually pronounced it quite good. Sister Fozia, It's ashame your mom won't watch the children for you. My son and his wife are selling their old home while their new one is being built. I have my granddaught at least 2 evenings a week and one week-end day for the day so they can paint and drywall and such. I try to do it one extra day as she never has time for herself and not only has my granddaughter days but also runs her lisc day care. So when my son has a night class and after the day care kids are gone I'll take the granddaughter so my dear DIL can have a couple or three hours to herself. If you were in my part of the world I would even babysit for you. I could be the adopted auntie :-) |
| Re: Pls advice/Boundaries/Am I in the wrong? |
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| Fozia |
| 10/06/05 at 16:42:01 |
| [slm] I think your son may have realised he was wrong, but instead of accepting the mistake he just dug himself deeper and deeper. Aah Sr. Azizah, the fact that you have offered to be an adopted aunty to my girls is very sweet. My mother doesn't think I should be working, which is why she refuses to help out. I will not argue the point with her, she has her views, and I need to live my life. Very pleased that the situation has resolved itself, it's lovely you have such a gem of a daughter in law. Wassalaam |
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