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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board
| gender inequalities? |
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| Amelia |
| 11/18/05 at 04:01:11 |
| Asalaamu alaykum sisters... any advice? I got married several months back. Generally it's fine but I have a few issues that I find hard to deal with. Before I married, and both before and after I converted, I travelled all around the world by myself. Now my husband won't let me travel to the next city for a day by myself. I know this is partly for safety, but I've survived so far: I could get knocked down/mugged/raped just walking around the corner. He, on the other hand, has been on several long trips abroad without me. I am also aware that if I refuse sex then I'm cursed by the angels until morning, but he has no problem with refusing me/falling asleep before I've had my 'turn' etc. It's frustrating and doesn't seem fair. It sounds sad to say, but I feel like half the person I was before. I don't feel comfortable inviting friends round because he skulks and sulks in the bedroom until they go (which is what I'm expected to do if his mates come round). I'm made to feel guilty if I go out, especially if it's to something non-Muslim, like seeing my old friends or non-Muslim meetings. I can't read what I want or watch the TV I want or listen to what music I want without getting a snide comment. I know he wants the best for me but we have different thoughts about what 'best' is. Any help much appreciated. Asalaamu alaykum. |
| Re: gender inequalities? |
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| Fozia |
| 11/18/05 at 07:17:41 |
| [slm] They say marriage is really difficult for the first five years.... You need to sit with your husband and discuss this with him. Tell him to treat you as a human being with feelings just like his own. I get really really annoyed about that 'angel cursing...' comment I am so sure there is more to it, what context was this actually in, did the wife refuse her husband indefinitely for no reason, or was there (as I am sure) more to it. Either way you are entitled to be sexually satisfied by your husband. I think everyone has problems in marriage early on, you take time adjusting to one anothers ways and (hopefully) growing together. There's nothing wrong with seeing your non-muslim friends, ask him if you could do this during the time he has his friends over, ask him why he does not wish you to see these friends what is he frightened of/worried about?? Encourage him to go out when your friends are over, better still invite your friends spouses over at the same time, so he can participate (you could ask him to do the same with his friends if you wish). Dunno about not allowing over night trip abroad, would it be possible to go with him on his trips?? I try and treat my husband as I do a lot of my friends. I have a habit of letting friends off the hook if they're being unreasonable (begging to be slapped), by excusing their behaviour ie they're tired/pms/have temporarily lost their minds etc. As a result I almost never argue with friends and because of this I have a circle of very close friends, once I adopted this strategy with my husband life got a lot easier. However if the things he does to upset me really matter, I do tell him once I feel able to speak without losing my temper over the issue. Most of the time it turns out that my husband is blissfully unaware that what he has done has hurt me so deeply. That's another thing, tell him if he upsets you he's not a mind reader, we are the ones with intiuition, men aren't so good at picking up subtle hints....at least the man I married isn't. Lastly I advocate patience (by the bucket load), there will honestly come a time, when your husband will think about what you would want before making plans Inshallah. But you have to set the foundations for it, the first few months/years in a marriage are really important. Remember you have come from completely different backgrounds, where he's from his behaviour is probably perfectly normal as your is to you. Really honestly and truly, if you had known my husband during the early years of our marriage you wouldn't recognise him now. It sometimes felt like he would be unreasonable for no reason but because I would have to do as he asked, for example, I wanted to learn to drive, he said no, no reason just no, he is currently pleading with me to learn to drive, but I now have to worry about my girls so he is really really sorry he was so pig headed when I had the time and inclination to learn to drive.......btw I let that one go as in the greater scheme of things it didn't really matter. I always pray that Allah helps me to fulfill the role of wife to the extent he has prescribed. Take Care Love & Duaas |
| Re: gender inequalities? |
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| Amelia |
| 11/18/05 at 10:42:16 |
| Thanks so much Fozia... such wise, calm advice!! Of course, he's probably hurt and annoyed deeply by stuff I do/say, so perhaps a little patience and introspection is called for. It's just that I hate being limited by anything, and I don't deal well with some of the stuff men are allowed to do that I'm not. I agree about giving it time: the first six months were a strange mix of very very good and hair-tearingly awful, and hopefully things will calmer as we go along, insha'Allah. Any more tips highly appreciated sisters, and jazakallahayran again Fozia, it's good to know I'm not the only one, and thanks for the practical ideas. |
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