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| Marriage to X - What to do? |
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| Anonymous |
| 11/18/05 at 10:04:33 |
| For two years now, I have been under the impression that I would eventually get married to X. He is a wondeful person: religious, educated, kind, funny, good family, etc. We met through friends, as friends, and very quickly realized that it would be best to get our parents involved in this. It took about 6 months for the families to meet (about 10 months ago), since they live on opposite ends of the planet. But they did. On the surface, things seemed fine. We didn't officially get engaged or anything, since he was still just starting up his professional life, and since neither of us believes in engagements..Neither was there a wedding date set up, nor official wedding plans of any sort, for that matter. Things settled at a 2x/week email, occasional phone call, and some in between meetings. Now I don't know about you, but it can get a little exhaustive when you're in a relationship that's not really a relationship and that seems to be heading nowhere under the caption of actually heading somewhere. My family, in turn, was starting to get a little irritated. So I confronted the boy about 4 months ago, asked him to explain himself. He didn't do any explaining at the time, he just said that he wants to marry me, and there's nothing more that he can add to it just yet. And if I want to go ahead and marry someone else, I am free to do so. Needless to say, relationship dwindled significantly after that, since it became clear to me that there was some friction he was working out. Who wants to marry a guy who's not willing to make an effort for you? A broken heart, a bucket full of tears, lots of chocolate and heartfelt prayer later, I felt as if things were finally going to be just fine without him anywhere in the picture. Two days ago, he gives me a ring (phone call), and says that he needs to explain, although he's not sure if the explanation will help. The explanation, turns out, is simple ... a) he is still struggling financially so he can't support a family and b) he can't get married until his sister does, because that is what tradition dictates. These are, he says, not excuses but reasons. He explains that his sister is almost getting engaged to a guy who is not committing fully (sound familiar?) and that he has just realized that he is putting me through the same thing. He asked me to predict the outcome of our relationship 1 year from now. I said, I see it ending and us never keeping in touch. He told me I was a defeatist (which is not a very nice thing to say, even if it is very true). So then I turned the question on him, and he said that it will be one of the two extremes, and that if I can hold out for just a little while longer, we can get married. He couldn't pinpoint "little while" for me. I told him I would think about it. And I need someone to help me think through it. My mom said that he IS making excuses, and the real reason is that his mother is probably not too keen on the whole thing. My mother usually is dead on, so this concerns me, although his mom seemed like a really nice and open-minded person. (I do think she doesn't like me too much, though) I like him...a lot. I can't explain the feeling, but I guess I don't have to .. since everyone says this stuff when facing crashing realities of childhood aspirations of romance. But I'm not sure if liking him is a good enough reason to wait for someone who might just marry someone his mother picks for him at the end of it all. Secondly, consciously I know that the practial solution is staring me in the face: that this pre-nikkah relationship is not permissible and hence will lead to a whole lot of no good, even if what that means is that I will end up with a broken heart if he is unable to make a commitment in the future. And that if we are meant to be married, then we will be. ANd if we are not, then we will not, and all of this is so useless. On an emotional level though, I am battling a lot of feelings that I never even thought I was capable of feeling. And I am really, really sad about it. Anyway, I have to answer him with a decision. And although I really want to believe that the situation is still hopeful, I don't want my heart broken again. Thoughts? |
| Re: Marriage to X - What to do? |
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| ummnajmah |
| 11/18/05 at 10:51:48 |
| [slm] Boy does this sound familiar! ::) Before I married my husband there was someone from my country also who was putting me and my family thru similar circumstances. It was an 'understanding' between our families that there would be a marriage out of it. I got tired and sick of the run around, coz he did not have the guts to sit down with my family and say exactly what was going on. It was always one reason or another, umm finances etc So I put my foot down, found a nice bro thru my wali and voila got married :D. Let's just say it was the best decision of my life coz this guy wasted almost two years of my life keeping my family and I on the back burner. Alhamdulillah, am glad I shook myself off this 'understanding' and went thru to marry my husband. So Sis, do not let anyone put a guilt trip on you about " Oh go ahead and get married if you want to etc". A woman knows when she is ready to get married and it may be that Allah (SWT) is showing you signs that you need to get yourself another person. Allahu Alam . I knew I did not want to wait or expose myself to fitna and with the help of my wali found a good muslim bro who had good adaab and practices Islam. I have also met sisters who have waited for the bro only to be informed a week before or after that he had a nikaah with someone else he barely knew or just met. Am not saying everyone is like this but you need to truly sit down think about it, talk with your family and also make Istikhara. Inshallah, I truly hope that you come to a good decision that will ultimately not be filled with regrets. Pm me if you want to talk more. |
| Re: Marriage to X - What to do? |
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| Fozia |
| 11/18/05 at 11:23:52 |
| [slm] Am with Sr. Ummnajma put the dude out of your heart and mind. Tell your parents to find you a nice Br. who is considerate of his sister in Islam, instead of a guy who wishes to keep you hanging on the off chance he doesn't find someone better..... If he proposes than well and good, if he doesn't you're better off without him. If he calls, tell him not to in future as you are trying to continue with your life and he is not helping matters. As to financial situation, you will bring your own kismet into the marriage, my husband had nothing when we married. But with hard work and mutual support that has now alhumdulillah changed. Wassalaam |
| Re: Marriage to X - What to do? |
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| Siham |
| 11/18/05 at 19:03:57 |
| Assalaam Alaikum, This is a bit complicated, well to uncomplicated the whole issue, tell him to come and see about you in a year or so (whenever he’s ready) and if you are still single, then you guys can get marry. That way there is no broken promises, no heartbreaks etc… :) Hope this helps, Wassalaam. |
| 11/18/05 at 21:20:43 |
| Siham |
| Re: Marriage to X - What to do? |
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| amatullah |
| 11/19/05 at 11:07:51 |
| [wlm] I wouldn't do that what sis siham said. To me it is like you are throwing yourself at him. He doesn't make an effort to marry you but then you tell him ok come back when you are ready kind of thing. I think forget him. If he is not getting tired trying to chase and get his life partner now, I hate to think of how he will be in the marriage when things cool down and settle. I say pick someone who really wants you and is ready to be committed. you don't need the heartache. But I have to say it was a bad idea to be "friends" and usually leads to the heartache. Just be formal with the opposite sex and when the right person comes, get to know him in the right setting. It brings right results inshaAllah. |
| Re: Marriage to X - What to do? |
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| Siham |
| 11/19/05 at 14:25:39 |
| [slm] Well marriage is pure naseeb and the brother may want to marry her right now, but is not quite ready at the moment (whatever the reason may be) in the meantime she may look elsewhere of course. Indeed, I agree the whole friendship thing was a bad idea to begin with, so I’d suggest that if you really think that he is the right person for you (especially from an Islamic point of view) you should explain to him that you want to conduct things in accordance with the teachings of Islam, thus this is the reason why you do not want to have any informal interaction with him. Explain to him, that you not wanting to interact with him has nothing do with him (i.e it’s not that you dislike him etc,) rather it is due to the injunctions of Islam. I’m sure that he will understand insha’Allah. May Allah SWT choose whatever that is best for you in this world and the hereafter. wassalaam. |
| 11/20/05 at 16:48:20 |
| Siham |
| Re: Marriage to X - What to do? |
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| jannah |
| 11/23/05 at 16:27:10 |
| salam sis, gotta agree with most of the sisters here. there's no point in having an 'understanding' if its not a REAL engagement. he might like to have something to fall back on, and you should be careful that you're not the backup, cause what if his parents force him to marry someone else or he decides to marry someone else while you are "waiting". maybe you can tell him your parents want a real engagement now and if he's not ready for that just say that you're moving on. |
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