Notes on LoveNotes

[Jannah]

Here are some Notes from the one in Atlanta?... not mine but they're pretty thorough... -- J.

p.s. read the review in the kabob house

===================================================

AlMaghrib: Love Notes- Marriage and Family life


Sh. Yaser Birjas is from Palestine, studied in University of Madinah; relief worker in Bosnia (learned language of Bosnia in one year); currently Imam in El Paso, Texas; full-time Al Maghrib instructor. Also a student of Sheikh Uthaimeen (rahimahullah)

-You should prepare for love because one day it will come and hit you and when it does, it will hit you hard!
-Kids are often separated from the parents; culture is way different
-Level of maturity is going down in this culture
-This class is part of bridging gap between parents and kids
-Many people nowadays base "love" off of what Western culture thinks it is
-Marriage is based on two things: "Love and mercy" they are two wings; when one goes down the other goes up higher; most marriages apparently are running solely on mercy
-Love is a LIFE EXPERIENCE
-This is Fiqh of Love's 'juice', just a little bit: "spirit of love"
-When Prophet Muhammad (saw) died, Aisha (RA) was only 18.
-Fiqh means understanding
-'Ulema = muslim scholars

Imam Ibn Hazm al Andalusee

- well known for "fiqh adh-dhaahiria" (apparent/practical fiqh)
-he was a great scholar of Islam in Spain esp.
-his great grandfather came from East (Persia)
-grew up in royal family/Golden age of Spain
-different roles amongst people in Muslim Spain
-politicians/ministers (Umayyads)
-2 groups mainly fighting for power: Banu Hamood v. Umayyads
-when Banu Hamood were in power, he was in jail, vice versa
*Ibn Hazm, also known as: Encyclopedia of Islamic sciences! (knew so much)
-well known for his poetry
-his school of thought: Adh-Dhahiria (practicality)
-started out following ash-Shafi'i but later stopped following a madhab, wanted to stop blind following, etc.
-revived method of fiqh of Dhahiria
-2 of his books = important
-The Ring of the Dove (Tawq al Hamamah)
-Mudawat an Nufoos (Hearing of the Souls)
-Kitab as Seer wal Akhlaq
(both available in English)
-Ibn Hazm was passionate about issues
-gave his opinions on interactions
-Ibn Hazm had a unique, philosophical theory about love---most scholars disagree(d) with it
1) Hubb Uthri = Noble Love
-romantic (associated with pain/grief, sorrow)
-feelings
-conjunction between two scattered parts of souls mismatched in the upper universe
-he believed love didn't start in earth but in heaven
-Love is something within the soul itself
-they love each other for certain qualities/some similarities


"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect. (Ar-Rum 30:21)

-Love and MERCY = 2 fundamental parts of love
-definitions of Love:
-strong positive regards
-passion
-beloved one
-deep feeling of desire
-enjoyment
-intense feeling given freely

*Real love is unconditional* (not "If you loved me, you'd take out the trash!") Don't put limits or conditions on love
*Arabic alphabet has certain meanings, subhana Allah*
-makharijal huroof
-take for example the letter "Sheen"
-its definition: al-intishaar: spreading out
-so cool because words with SHEEN give same feeling!
-Shams in Arabic = SUN à sun spreads warmth, light
-Shajarah in Arabic = TREE à tree spreads branches, shade
-Qaaf in Arabic is a powerful letter, comes from throat
-one of most powerful letters of Arabic alphabet
-words with Qaaf imitate its 'personality'
-Quwa in Arabic means POWER
-Qalam in Arabic means PEN (there is a certain power in writing)
-Daad = explosions of earth
-dufda --> frog
-ard --> earth (explosions happening in it)
(my own example: "Daaleen" from end of Surah fatiha : transgressors)

HUBB in Arabic means LOVE
-starts with letter HAA (thick haa) ; comes from throat, inside
-love usually chokes people
-gives feeling of being overwhelmed
-sighing
-ends with letter BAA : coming from lips/kiss/outside
"Love starts with inside to outside"
-starts with a feeling from inside and then manifests itself in a kiss/physical way
-other Arabic words with HAA and BAA
-HABBA: seed--> a seed grows--> love grows
-HABAB: white --> pure --> love should be pure, having no strains, no restrictions/conditions
-

Some people give philosophical, psychological, spiritual, intellectual meanings to love
-for some, love is the same as desire
-sentiments
-Romantic love: most popular: does not end with fulfillment; usually breaks hearts, is tragic, etc.
-Moral and sacrificial love: ex: Love for this Deen, love for Allah and RasulAllah salAllahu alayhi wassalam
-Here we are talking about: Passionate Love
-some people think of love as an intellectual experience
-"you control it" –they think
-they think love (ishq) shouldn't control man
(but it does: LOL)
-Ibn al Qayyim al Jawziyyah wrote : Garden of the Lovers
-Imam Muhammad ibn Daud adh Dhahiri
-son of founder of literalist school of thought of Dhahiria
-studied one Arab tribe (Banu 'Uthra)
LOL: they are soo soft and tender hearted, they cannot contain love in their hearts: love is so strong for them that they faint and die!! LOL
--> book: Az Zuhra
-book = about ideals of love
Love = always agreed upon
*Love is there especially when = resemblance/similarities with another person*
--> Best marriage = between similar people/all about natural characteristics


Love and Images: Why are people so into IMAGES?

-because Allah created the human in perfection
-Surah at-Teen "Verily We created man of the best stature" (ayah 4)
-everything you see beautiful of mankind you will find it in Adam
-most beautiful creation = creation of Adam
* Our originality lies in perfection and beauty so we are always inherently in our very NATURE associated with perfection and beauty*
-that's why we always associate beauty with perfection and vice versa
-Sheikh Yaser read a bunch of fairy tales before teaching this seminar and found out that seriously about 99% of all fairytales associate happiness with beauty.
-ie. Cinderella: they basically don't even know each others' names but fall in love and then get married: "Live happily ever after"
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"
-nowadays people make a standard for beauty!
-they have preconceived notions of what "beautiful" is according to their environments, surroundings, TV, etc.


In Ring of the Dove Imam Ibn Hazm points out universal signs about people who are in love

SIGNS YOU ARE IN LOVE:

( these are universal signs and not necessarily from an Islamic point of view or vice versa )
1) Eyes are wide open, they are smiling, looking towards the sky, not paying attention!
2) Talks too much about the beloved
3) When they are in presence of loved one, they give each other full attention
*if they are in a restaurant where there is full commotion, they will not notice!*
4) Lover usually hurries up to the spot where he knows he'll meet loved one
5) Sudden confusion/excitement at mere sighting of loved one
6) Cheerfulness at finding each other in narrow spaces
7) To engage in a playful tug of war
-Ex: many times newlyweds do this: "honey, I will do the dishes"
-"no let me do them"
-"oh come ON! Let me do them please J "
-(you get the picture)
8) Staying "in touch" –Leaning sideways, staying in the lap/shoulder of the loved one, walking hand in hand, etc.
9) Testing each other
-sometimes opposite personalities of each other attract/are alike
-teasing one another
-testing each other because they want to see the reaction of the other
(random note: in love feeling: "I cannot live without him/her")
10) people stop sleeping at night and dreaming during the day
11) wasting of the day
12) you will love/spend time with the beloved's kith and kin (family) more than your own
13) Weeping/crying/getting very emotional
*you don't have to have all of these signs to be in love, some people only show a few of them, etc. maybe none of these at all, but these are generalities*

All Muslim scholars will say the same thing:
--> Love is NATURAL
--> It is one of Allah's signs, how would it be haram.
--> Love merely = HALAL

-Beautified for men is the love of things they covet; women, children, much of gold and silver (wealth), branded beautiful horses, cattle and well-tilled land. This is the pleasure of the present world's life; but Allah has the excellent return (Paradise with flowing rivers, etc.) with Him. (Aali Imran 3:14)

Ibn al Qayyim: for men to love women and for women to love men = no harm
--> it is a sign of Allah's perfection
--> it is a favor upon mankind
-Surah ar-Room: "and among His signs is this..."

Ibn al Jawzi: Love shows a soft heart; if you don't have feelings of love, you may be as hard as a rock

Arabic poetry:
-"If you don't fall in love, go eat hay like a donkey"
-"you are nothing but a solid rock"
(many cultures/countries talk about love through poetry)

Ibn Al Qayyim: Beginning of love happens by choice, consequences of that decision come from force
--> Love starts with the eye: that's why Allah told us to lower our gaze
-when love hits you it gets out of control
Obsession--> Love --> Test
-If you started it around in a haram way, it will end up haram
- if by force later, if you don't rationalize love, gets out of control sometimes
- Some people are so desperate that they fall in love with everyone!
LOWER THY GAZE!!!!!

Qur'an and Sunnah

-liyaskuna ilayha: peace and tranquility
-Surah 'Araaf: "He created you from a single soul"
*Why did Allah create Hawa from Rib of Adam?
-to be close to his heart
-so she would be under his arm  protection and guardianship
-Surah Yusuf: Zulekha was infatuated with Yusuf.

Sunnah:
1) 'Ya RasulAllah, I have an orphan girl in my protection. 2 suitors came: poor and rich. We want rich man but she wants poor. What's your opinion?"
"We don't see anything better for lovers but marriage" (Sunan Ibn Majah)

2) Amr bin Aas = great general, wanted to see who Prophet salAllahu alayhi wassalam loved best.
"Who is the most beloved to you" he asked. Prophet salAllahu alayhi wassalam replied: AISHA. he asked: from amongst men? ABOOHA (her father)" [Sahih BUKHARI, MUSLIM]
Why did Prophet salAllahu alayhi wassalam answer in this way? He was TRUTHFUL so he answered this way

3) Other wives complained because most people brought gifts to him while he's in the home of Aisha
-Prophet (s) = w/ Aisha under blanket
-Fatima (ra) came in to house and told Prophet (s) that other wives wanted justice
-Prophet (s): "Don't you love what I love? Then just love her"
-Zainab bint Jahsh = rival of Aisha
-comes in and directly attacks Aisha
- Prophet (s) tells Aisha to finish argument
-Aisha defeated Zainab in this incident; Prophet (s) said: "She is the daughter of her father"
(Wisdom: Let women finish if they are fighting :) )
(SAHIH MUSLIM)

4) Prophet (s) would distribute material to people including wives:
a. "Oh Allah this is the distribution under my control. Do not judge me on what I cannot control"

5) to Umar (Amir al Mu'mineen): someone said "I am in love ya Umar"
Umar: "This is not in your hands"
"If I lived in the time of Umar and Ufra I would help them get married"

6) Zaid bin Thabit: very well known for Qur'an and knowledge
a. People brought someone who died from love
b. Zaid led Salatul Janaza and people asked "Why did you lead Janaza for someone who did in this manner?"
c. Zaid said: "I have mercy for him" (inni rahimtu)

Points:
-Love is in the hands of Allah (swt)
-We are not in control
-Allah can't make us accountable to what's in His hands
-The word "love" itself was used many times in Seerah
-There's nothing to be ashamed of
-Prophet (s) loved Aisha so much that he spoke publicly of it
-It's not a sign of weakness to say you love someone
-People think if a man says "I love someone" then she'd step on his back but not necessarily true
-Hadith: Jabir (ra): Prophet (saws) said: "Go and see the person you'll marry" (encouraged in Shariah)

Critique of Scholarly Work

-Ring of the Dove by Ibn Hazm al-Andalusee
-Az-Zuha by Muhammad ibn Dawud
-Encyclopedia of Love by Ibn al Qayyim
-Rawdatul Muhibeen (Garden of the Lovers) by Ibn al Qayyim
-from Ihya Uloom ad-deen from Imam Ghazali "marriage chapter"
-Sa'adatu wa Ishat fis seeratil insania "Happiness..." by Muhammad ibn Yusuf al-'Amilee
-Al-Musoon "The Protected Gem..."
-special critique of Tawq-ul-Hamamah/The Ring of the Dove
-Sheikh saw the book in University of Madinah; was embarrassed to be seen reading it so he hid it :)
-read it in one night
-mesmerized him when he read it; such classic Arabic; such a classic book (now in English too; it's online for free)

What is this Book?
-many scholars don't consider this because they said it was written during a chaotic period
-he didn't mean it to be a separate book
-he wrote the book in response to a letter from a friend
(Zaad al-Ma'ad by Ibn al Qayyimà 5 volumes written on his way to Hajj ON camel—about the guidance of RasulAllah salAllahu alayhi wassalam—many aspects of RasulAllah (s) )
-there was no doubt it was written by Ibn Hazm

-WHY the title? The Ring of the Dove?
Hamama = dove
-there's a ring that surrounds the neck of dove (sign of beauty)
-necklace: women wear it to beautify themselves
-Tawq al Hamama: 'weeping of pidgeons' --> in Arabic makes meaning and connotations in intimacy and beauty
- this book is to the lovers as the ring of the dove is to the dove
-may symbolize how love will enslave you in your life (sign of slavery for love)
-this book = psychological interpretations for human behavior
-luxury
-Baghdad and Cordoba = signs of luxury in Islamic history
-Al Hajj bin Mansur : built a palace called al-Zahra, walls = marble; roof =silver = beauty
-Muslims invented disco lights! (put bowl of mercury (liquid) in the middle of a palace room, sunlight would hit the mercury that was moving, and the light would reflect on all the walls! Sparkly)
-Ibn Hazm mentions Andalusian women
-rich collection of Ibn Hazm's poetry
-his poetry = hard to understand
-masterpiece in Arabic literature
-At the end of book, dedicates 4 chapters of the book to giving Islamic rulings on love/promotes chastity
-organization of the book = amazing
-both Ibn Hazm and Ibn Qayyim wrote books on love when they had nothing else to do! Ibn Hazm was in exile and Ibn Qayyim was in prison
-means: focus on your goals and then on love
-"Dhamul Hawa"=Ibn al Jawzi (partly in English)
-lived 200 years before al Jawziyyah
-much poetry starts with love

Mugheeth and Barira (hadith)
-husband and wife married and in slavery
-Aisha bought Barira and then freed her
-married women cannot remain married to slave men and Mugheeth still in slavery
-he wants to stay married to her but she doesn't to him
-he kept chasing her
-Barira even told Prophet that she didn't want to
-Mugheeth = sad and crying and told Prophet (s) to ask Barira, but she said no
-Prophet sympathized with the lovers esp. because it was in a lawful way
-'ulema : Ibn Hazm : Prophet did not just agree in this case, he interceded
-Prophet didn't forbid Mugheeth from loving her

Love = sign of Allah = secret = MYSTERY
-Love varies

IN LOVE CASE:
-many times it's only based on physical attraction
-physical attraction will NOT last forever
-what will you do when you're old and bald
togetherness all the time
-both of them are possessive
-obsessiveness/dominance culture
-worst part: "elusive/perfect love"
-people think: "everything will be perfect"

True love begins when the in-love syndrome ends!
-put love to test
-test = marriage
-Welcome to the club =)

You get to see even the bad side of your spouse
-TOP reason for dispute: "she/he is not the way I thought!"
--> decency = real love, not just only dreamy crazy stuff

Things that Harm Love
1) Exploitation of Love: conditional love (I'll only love you if you do this...), taking the person for granted, etc.
2) Acts of Disrespect: one word could be very sensitive and it's different to say one thing to a friend and one thing to a wife
3) Slanderer: his job = basically to backbite and gossip
a. Peer pressure
b. Don't listen to other people
c. Most slander comes from family members, authubillah!
4) Infidelity and betrayal
5) Long and Unnecessary Separation
-If Romeo and Juliet ever got married, they would probably file for divorce ASAP.

Regarding Infidility:
-Newsweek 2004: Why Do People Cheat?
- Bored
- Looking for adventure
- In Western culture they think in marriage they lose money
-most men avoid marriage because of pleasure

#1: problem amongst young people = delaying marriage problem
#2: premarital relationships (b/c of culture, etc)
#3: friend marriages
#4: divorce rates increasing in society: WHY??!
- elusive
- you "have" to know the person
- they keep dating for EVER
- parents want "security" for children
-many parents think that 'security' comes from job, money, etc.
-many think their kids = v. immature (what the youth need to disprove)
-in reality, so many conditions on marriage = bad
-Lack of knowledge causes delay in marriage, etc.
-Many think you need a PhD to get married

Activity: 5 top reasons why women/men delay marriage
Our group's ideas: Why Women Delay Marriage:
-Unsuitable matches
-Expectations are too high
-Education
-Age-some people think you're not ready if you're too young
-Dowry is too big: in UAE and Saudi, for ex.
-cultural expectations too high
-personal flaws-"he's fat" "he's short" etc.
-isolation of Muslims in USA/lack of communities causes people to not know about unmarried people/potential spouses
-most men and women make religious spouses a lat priority
-many look for status, money, beauty
-can't afford it
-some parents want kids to marry same EXACT culture and tribe (LOL)
-when you are older, you are more set in your ways (stubborn) and look for perfect matching spouse
-not enough resources in non-Muslim countries
-lack of matrimonial services
-circumstances such as war-people moving
-if Muslim men marry Ahlul Kitab, more Muslim women are single

REAL RESULTS from all brothers/sisters.
WHY DO Brothers DELAY MARRIAGE?
-Parent delay (generation gap)
-Education/employment
-waiting to find perfect match
-men want "freedom" longer
-societal pressures don't promote early marriages
-ignorance
-no matrimonial support/resources
-some think their sisters should get married first
-traumatic experiences they've heard about
-responsibility/commitment/fear of responsibility
-cultural issues
-peer pressure
(words of advice: If you always tell your parents: EXAMS, EXAMS, EXAMS, they'll think you are still a kid—ie. You need to show them you are responsible enough to get married)

Why do SISTERS delay marriage?
-high expectations
-bad experiences
-hard to find prospective matches
-parental/social expectations
-education/women want to secure themselves
a. Parents' idea: our daughter needs to be self-sufficient and not rely on a man because back home, women had to deal with "oppression, etc" but by doing this they are restricting their daughters from getting married before "medical school" or "PhD" –plus, they are not trusting in Allah
-mistrust/suspicion
-makes it easier for you to get out of relationship
-hard to find someone with same Islamic values
-fear of marriage
-lack of halal venues
-SCARY
-lack of understanding about marriage
*Lack of eman makes us unrealistic
-we don't look at good models of marriage
-DON'T look at Hollywood


Status of Family in Islam
1) Family is a divinely inspired institution (means that Qur'an and Sunnah talk of this)
2) "meethaqan ghaleedha" (strong covenant)
3) Qur'an and sunnah give us so much info on this
4) Social contract
a. Mu'amalat (societal interaction)
i. Involves relationships between people
5) Faith and Family
a. Family=ideological structure
i. Want jannah
ii. When kids are 4 years old even, their parents bring them to Sunday Islamic school
-Responsibility to your children start before marriage: you need to marry righteous people and have good Islamic knowledge

STRUCTURES and RULES

-Islam organizes structures and role (Surah Nisa, Baqarah, Talaq)
-contract: rights, obligations, conditions
-many couples fight over this: RIGHTS but Islam already organizes this
-Islam forbids temporary unions
-Islam promotes PERMANENT unions
-Mut'ah = haram
-Urfi = marriage of convenience = haram
A. CLOSEST FOLD: husband, wife, children, parents, grandchildren
B. CENTRAL FOLD: close relatives-3 categories
1)- by blood (brothers and sisters)
-maternal and paternal aunts
-nieces and nephews
2) –father/mother-in-law/stepchildren
3) Relatives through Ar-Rada (breastfeeding)
C. OUTER FOLD: brother-in-law, sister-in-law, cousins, cousins' kids (extended family)

Role of Men in Marriage-according to ISLAM
-in general: SUPERVISOR
-usually in different cultures, eldest man has highest position
-problem solver
-man's responsibility = outside the home
-internal discipline of family
-usually many women pick up kids after school, get groceries
-if you tell her so much to do, though, she'll demand more rights
-if you tell husband to do so much, he'll demand more rights
-Men are protectors and maintainers of women-Qur'an

Role of Women in Marriage-according to ISLAM
-major responsibility: inside the family
FAMILY
-social order
-ideological society
-good Muslims = good citizens
-every individual should commit his life to his faith and deen, carry responsibility to Deen and faith

Culturally...
MAN is the head of the house but WOMAN is the neck!!!
-you can see this in the shopping sprees at Wal-mart
-even strong men can be twisted by women's cleverness
-in poor countries many times, kids are more mature and exposed to realities-in our country and culture, even a PhD guy doesn't know how to save money $$$

Definitions of Marriage

1) A legal union between 1 man and 1 woman as husband and wife
2) Civil contract between man and woman (common law marriages)
3) Legal and/or social agreement
4) When a man loses his bachelor's degree and a woman gains her master's J

1) Adam and Hawwa: considered husband and wife
a. We don't really know details of relationship
b. Procreation started on earth, not Jannah, Allahu alim

2) Before Islam, ALL marriages = religious practice
a. In mostly all cultures and religions
b. Went to religious figures to approve marriage
c. Marriage = so significant that they want their Lord to be their witness

3) Divorce
a. In Orthodox Judaism = very similar to Muslim way
b. In Catholicism, divorce = wrong/forbidden

There were 4 types of marriage in pre-Islamic Arabia:

1)Barter trade (exchange) w/ dowry and consent
-contract= similar to western culture
2) Group sex; women would have sex with many men and whoever the baby looks like would be husband (astaghfirAllah!)
3) Prostitute
4) Similar to Islam, w/ marriage contract

What is default in marriage: MONOGAMY or POLYGAMY?
-Monogamy is default(some scholars disagree with this, Allah knows best)
-polygamy: a man can have more than one wife
-First practice of homosexuality (man and man) – people of Prophet Lut (as)
-Native American and European cultures had it too
-same-sex marriages getting more common and even allowed in America now
*say NO to homosexuality*
-Regarding polygamy (which is definitely permissible in the religion of Islam):
-Allah says in Qur'an: "marry only one" (if you cannot be just with more than one)
--> Qur'an = ONLY book which says MARRY ONLY ONE, Islam limited number of wives a man could have; other religions don't do that.
-Marrriage = sunnah of Prophet (s) and if he married, by not marrying, you are NOT better, BUT you are going against his sunnah

The Definition of Legal Marriage
"A contract that results in the man and woman living with each other and supporting each other within the limits of what has been laid down for them in terms of rights and obligations"
Sooo......Why do people get married?

REASONS:

1) Fulfilling your desires (most important thing is to make halal the conjugal relations)
2) Seeking pleasure of RasulAllah (saws) on Day of Judgment because he wanted his Ummah to be the largest
3) Procreation
a. First child-training/testing ground
b. Second child-you teach the lesson
c. Third child-kid teach you the lesson (LOL)
4) Seeking Intercession of righteous child after they die (not as in shirk; as in, sadaqa Jaria—continuous charity)
5) Protection from Evil/Temptation/Zina
6) Free some time for you—you have another person who can help you
7) Mujahadatan Nas—Self Struggle
a. There are difficulties in marriage too
Prophet (s) said: "The dirham you spend on your family is worth more than dirham you spend on the cause of Allah"


Marriage can have different levels:
-WAJIB: if a person has ability to marry and treat wife properly and there's a strong chance he'll commit zina w/o marriage
-MUSTAHHAB: when he has means to marry, no fear of committing zina, can treat wife well
-MUBAH: it's never Mubah (permissible) (because at the least it's MUSTAHHAB)
-MAKRUH: if has the means to marry but there's a strong possibility he won't treat wife well .
-HARAM: when a person does not have the means to marry and feels certain he will not treat wife properly

MOST MUSLIM SCHOLARS SAY MARRIAGE IS AN ACT OF WORSHIP
1) WHEN Allah spoke of Adam, he referred to him as a Khalifa
2) Second=command of RasulAllah (s) of telling youth to marry
3) Prophet (s) said that in the fulfillment of one's desires with spouse, it is an act of charity/sadaqah
IMAM SHAFI'I SAYS NOT ACT OF WORSHIP
-he said it's not an act of worship because deals with mu'amalat

Characteristics of Prospective Spouse

FOR BRIDE:
-Go after religion FIRST
-Religious women CAN be beautiful/don't go after the stereotype.
-Religiousness does not mean ugly/boring
-There's a lot of emotional constipation in our community!
-Give your daughter to a person who fears Allah, because if he loves her, he will be good to her, honor her, and even if he doesn't love her, he will not oppress her.
-A true believer should not dislike his wife
-if you hate one thing, you'll love another
BE BALANCED

Things Desired for Bride:
1) Deen and Character
2) Fertility
3) She is content/marry someone who'll say "Alhamdulillah"/doesn't compare standards
4) Beauty is in the eye of the beholder: DON'T set specific standard of beauty
5) Reasonable age difference
6) Inexpensive dowry/simple mahr = good

Things Desired for Groom:
1) Deen
2) Character
3) Evident Disobedience = haram
4) He should DEFINITELY pray

*********************************************************************************
-Family planning is permissible in Islam
-If 2 very young Muslims want to get married but can't financially do this then = OK if parents help out but don't rely on this.
-Everything in marriage found in Qur'an and Sunnah.
*********************************************************************************

Prospective Spouse:

A. Marrying Relatives
-People think marrying relatives is haram, some think it's horrible
-You're allowed to marry your first cousin in 26 states in America
-It's a cultural matter: no specific recommendation or prohibition
-One of Prophet (s)'s wives = cousin, others not relatives
-Some people think it puts pressure on people if you marry outside the family
-Sometimes people think diseases are more common in relative marriages, but not really true
-Don't put preconceived notions: put 'em away!

B. Arranged Marriages
-In Islam, arranged marriages are not haram where family helps out son/daughter to meet people.
-Pre-arranged marriages forcing = haram
-Imam Abu Hanifa: father and grandfather have choice to force if kids before puberty.
FORCING OF MARRIAGE = HARAM according to majority of scholars
Why do people even have arranged marriages?
-Security
-Some don't want to go out of the way to look for someone
-Some want to bring together different cultures or stay within same one
-Some don't want wealth/business to go out of the family if they arrange a marriage with a relative

Engagement by Commissioning:
Saying: "I know of so and so, help me find such and such type of person to marry them"
-this is OK with the permission of the people getting married
-Thus, arranged marriages are not promoted or prohibited in the Deen

Why is Dating Haraam?
-Leads to Zina (illegal sexual intercourse; one of the major sins in Islam)
-Allah says in Qur'an: "come not even NEAR to Zina" ; doesn't say: don't commit Zina; sets guidelines to not even come close to the sin
-Man and woman are alone and shaitan is the third
-Perfect privacy (khalwa) violated
-People think dating is good because they should know each other before marriage, etc.
-but actually, dating makes their relationship get old.
-Ever wonder why all the Hollywood people get divorced a few months into marriage? They have already been dating for years and years!
-When we say dating is haraam, doesn't mean we are promoting BLIND Marriages!!! Islam does NOT promote blind marriages; ie. You should KNOW person you are marrying but under HALAL circumstances, in a HALAL environment.
-Woman needs a wali to get married = FARDH (compulsory)
-Wali needs to be over the age of puberty/able to help/good judgment/good knowledge Deen-wise, etc. etc.
-Matrimonial services = OK with the permission of Wali
-Dating industry = huge in the west
-There should be supervision
-Families should come together

Regarding the Engagement Ring:

JOKE: Marriage requires three rings, one of which is obligatory:
-Wedding Ring
-Engagement Ring
-SuffeRing (obligatory, LOL)
-Most scholars say that wedding/engagement rings are imitating the non-believers/customs.
-Wedding ring is haram according to some scholars.
-Even if you do follow opinion that it's not haram, you should NOT think the ring is something required in the Deen or that you should do it.

************************************************************************************
Role of the Female Family Members in Marriage:

-Females play major role in marriages culturally
-Human culture: because of disintegration of family members they don't rely on this process too much anymore
-Many men ask female family members, matrimonial services.
Is it allowed for a man to directly propose to a woman? (Islamically). YES.
(depends on the culture)
Vice versa?
-Islamically OK for woman to propose and select husband too
-Culturally = taboo
-Khadija (ra) proposed to RasulAllah (s)
-Islamically it's ok for family member to propose on their behalf
(but daughter/son has to agree of course)
-Imam Samarkandee: Tuhfatul Fuqaha: Summarization of Abu Hanifa
-had a beautiful daughter
-religious daughter; memorized book Bada'ee was-samaee
-Sharh Tufatul Fuqaha: Imam Kasani
-Imam Kasani married his daughter
-he loved her so much and passionately
-he was so sad when she died; visited her grave
-Even scholars can love!!!
-It's allowed in Islam for a woman to propose directly to man
-A woman came directly to the Prophet (s)
-Prophet (s) lowered gaze; didn't accept; another guy married her
-culturally, this is not acceptable but not haram

[owais]

 

I found a website with some more notes on the same Seminar:
http://notes-to-go.blogspot.com/search/label/AlMaghrib%3A%20LoveNotes-Marriage%20and%20Family%20Life

I'll be typing mine up soon insha Allah: http://alhidayastudent.wordpress.com/

Who should we take the exam with?  Imam Djafr?

[Jannah]

I thought we were supposed to do something online??

I didn't write the email address we were supposed to email... anyone?

[owais]

I think they will email us with the information.  Exam is March 18th insha Allah.  Once they email you about it, they said to Email student affairs to arrange for the exam proctor and such. tayybah.exam@almaghrib.org

I also found this site which lets you register for an
online exam if your a traveling student: http://www.almaghrib.org/newreg/examforms.php?md=trvl

I think I'll contact them both ways insha Allah.

[a_Silver_Rose]

asalamualaikum
thankyou for the notes and your review Jannah which has really inspired me to want to go. So I wanted to know that since these were in atlanta, was it the exact same course as the one you went to in New York? With the exact same speakers? Is it going to be the exact same in Ohio? Is it eight dollars or one sixty five?
My husband asked what I wanted for valentines and I said I want to go to this course. so I think hes looking into it? maybe. There is only one in ohio left? Can anyone go? or do you have to apply or anything and why do you have to take a test?

[Jannah]

salam,

This looks like it:    "Love Notes: Marriage and Family Life"
  taught by: Shaykh Yaser Birjas    $85    OH    April 6-8, 2007
Columbus, OH


Register here: http://www.almaghrib.org/newreg/courses.php

Yes, it's the same course that was held in Atlanta and the one in New York and the same shaikh.  You take a test at the end and if you pass you get "credit" for the course towards an Islamic degree.

[Jannah]

salam, these are the notes from the Cali class for the archives....

====================================

Chapter 1:



Theory of love by Ibm Hazm:



Souls are scattered matters in the upper universe (heaven) that meet and descend to earth and join together. (Soul Mate)



Signs of love:



    * Eyes are wide open but they are not there.
          o Gazing
    * Talks too much about their beloved.
    * When in presences of beloved one, give full attention.
    * The love hurries up to the spot where the love one is.
    * Sudden confusion and excitement at the mere sighting of loved one.
          o (i.e. he/she is coming to the scene)
    * Abundant or exceeding cheerfulness
          o Where they like to sit, on the sofa or the love seat.
    * Engage in a playful tug of war.
          o Challenge each other.
    * Leaning sides way and support oneself against the loved one.
          o Like to keep in contact with loved one.
          o Aisha/Prophet (pbuh) reciting while on period and head on thigh.
    * Opposites are likes.
          o Opposites attract.
          o Testing each others loves for likes and dislikes.

i.How do you react? Loving/Rude way.

    * Don't sleep during the night and sleep during the day.
          o Sign of wasting the body.
    * Lover would love the kin more than own family. (Married people only)
          o In-laws love instead of own family.
          o Give preferences to wife's family.
    * Weeping and crying is a common sign of love.
    * Sign of love (I can't live without it).






Ruling of love!

"Love is neither disapproved by religion, nor prohibited by the law; for every heart is in Allah's hands." Ibn Hazm

Q: Prophet Muhammad ask Umar ibn khatib to love the messenger more than himself) (Religious love)





    * Al-Imran (14)
    * Men to love women, there is no harm. It is a sing of human perfection.
    * Allah made this a favor upon his creation. (Sura Room)
    * How are you going to react to these feelings?
          o You will be held accountable for the action, not the feelings.

i.Halal way, not haram action.

    * If you don't have love, you're like a rock.
    * Do you fall in love by choice or force?
          o Depends on the situation.
          o Ibn Qayamh

i.The beginning of love, infatuation happens by choice?

1.The sequence of those decisions happens by choice.

ii.If someone wants to get married, goes to search for her, talks, and ask about her. Need to ask deeper questions.

iii.The introduction of love happens by choice.

1.Starts with the eye.

a.Allah's command to lower the gaze.

b.You have a choice to look around.

i.When it hits you, gets out of control.

ii.Stereotype of a wife.

iii.Need to rationalize love or gets out of control.



Love in the Qur'an and Sunnah

1.As long as you are single, you are going to live a confusing life.

2.Why did allah create hawah from the rib of adam?

a.Give's him peace and tranquility until they match.

i.They will not live in tranquility until they match.

ii.To be close his heart, physical and emotion.

iii.Under his arm so that he can protect her.

3.Surah Yusuf

4.Sunnah of Prophet

a.We don't see anything better for the lover, then marriage is the best solution for them.

b.Did not deny his love to Aisha (wife). Umar ibn Aas

c.PDA (public display of affection)

5.Don't you love what I love? And if I love her, just love her. Don't complain about her.

6.Zainab wife of prophet as well.

a.Aisha defeated her in the argument.

b.When fighting with women and in-laws, let them argue. As long as there is no physical contact.

i.Sahi Muslim

7.Umar ibn Kahtib; asked a question. I saw a woman and fell in love with her. What should I do? This is not in your hands. You cannot do anything about it.

8.Zayd ibn thabath

a.Known for collection of the Quran

b.Lead salat janzah because a person died out of love because had mercy for him.

9.To haste in make something unlawful, lawful. Is equal to making lawful, unlawful. Making something haram, hala is wrong. (Both wrong)



Lessons learned from ayat and hadith.


    * Love is out of our control, from allah.
          o How can we be held accountable?
    * The word love is from the sunnah of the prophet.
          o Nothing to be ashamed of.
          o If you talk about love, culturally it's wrong. Why?
    * Prophet (pbuh) loved his wives so much (aisha) spoke publicly.
          o Means that it's not haram to love your wife.
          o It's not a sign of weakness.
    * Encourage young people before getting married, to see bride.






Scholarly works on Love

1.Mohammad ibn Dawud

a.Zahra (100 qualities of love)

2.Ibn Hazm

a.Ring Dove

3.Ibn Quayam

a.The garden of the lovers.

4.Adab Niikah by Iman Ghazalis

5.Happiness and bringing happiness in human history.

a.Mohammad ibn Yusuf al-amiri

6.The concealed love. (Classical Arabic language) 300 AH

























The ring of the Dove
By Ibn Hazm
(994-1064)
A treaties on the Art & Practice of Arab Love

http://www.muslimphilosophy.com/hazm/dove/ringdove.html





    * The ring of dove
          o The ring is a symbol of beauty around the pigeon's neck.

i.Signs of slavery to control your lover.

ii.Love will enslave you in your life.

iii.Should help you have an everlasting loving relationship.

          o Personal diary.
    * Historical account of what witnessed during time.
    * Psychological interpretation for human behavior.
    * Gives you a picture of luxurious life.
    * Gives a picture of how women lived at that time.
    * Provides a rich collection of poetry.
          o Powerful, profound, and difficult to understand.
    * Promotes chastity and purity.
    * Wrote book when in exile.
          o Both testify to write about love because they had nothing else to do.
          o Get yourself busy with something in life.

i.Don't get distracted by love if you're not married.









Falling In Love


Does the lover think that his love can be concealed?

While his eyes are shedding tears and his heart is glowing,

Had it not been for love,

You would not have shed tears

At the ruins (of your beloved)





    * Neglecting the spouse so a divorced is decided upon the situation.
          o "O Abbass ! Isn't it amazing how much Mugheeth loves Bareerah and how much Bareerah hates Mugheeth?"

i.Prophet (pbuh) tells his uncle Al-Abbass

ii.Took action to help lover by interceding.

iii.Need to help them.

          o Did not forbid from loving his divorcing spouse.
          o Love takes people out of character.

i.Does not behave correctly.

ii.People should remain strong.

          o Surat Al-Room

i.Mystery of Love!

1.Today you are in love.

2.Tomorrow you are not in love anymore.







Falling in Love


1.The Mystery of the "in-love" case
2.What harms love?
3.Decency or indecency?
4.What is real love?


Love is dynamic so you need be cautious.





    * What is the standard of Marriage?
          o Parents
          o Siblings
          o Friends
    * The attachment between man and women.
          o Physical attraction

i.Sometime this works

ii.This wont last forever

          o Togetherness experience

i.Man becomes possessive.

ii.Women become possessive.

iii.Would like to be together all the time.

          o Obsession

i.Where, why, who, when, and what.

ii.Take it easy, be patient.

          o Illusive love

i.Take your time.

ii.Temporary emotional high

1.Intoxicate with love

          o True love

i.Begins when the in love syndrome ends.

1.Test is marriage and when it occurs.

a.Welcome to the club.

b.She doesn't see the things the way I do.

i.Different perception from expectations.





          o Decency or Indecency?

i.Love in the halal.





    * Things that harm love
          o Exploitation of Love.

i.If you love me, then do this!

          o Acts of Disrespect.

i.Words can show your true colors.

ii.Don't mention disrespectful things.

iii.Words, actions, emotions and so. Be Careful.

          o Slander (Backbite and Gossip)

i.Be careful with the people who exploit emotions.

1.Peer pressure will ruin your marriage.

2.Don't listen to those people.

ii.Most slander comes from family members.

    * Infidelity and betrayal.
          o Going on the internet such as haram web sites.
          o Watching TV
          o Looking at other women.
          o If it's haram, don't do it.
    * Unnecessary separation.
          o Being away from spouse for a long time.
          o Never stay away from your wife for a long time.

i.Long period of separation will damage family and relationships.

ii.Book from men are from Mars, women are from Venus.



What is REAL LOVE?

The first love story of ever known in the history of Islam was the love of Rasullah for Aisha, and Marouqh user to call her the love Rasullah.



1.Infidelity in the western family life.

a.July 2004 (Newsweek) Why people cheat?

i.Bored

ii.Hate spouse

b.Why men avoid marriage?

i.Pleasure is available for free.



2.Muslims at the door steps of the western version of Marriage, Why?

a.Delaying Marriage

b.Pre-martial relationship

c.Friend Marriage

d.Divorce rate increasing in society.

e.Pre-arrange marriage which does not work.

f.You have to know this person after consuming the love.

g.Delaying the marriages

i.Cultural

ii.Education





Activity Session:

(25 minutes...)

Each group 7 people à new people à



A.Men are scared to get married reasons.



i.Group 1:

a.Parents

b.Education and Employment

c.Best Match

d.Men want freedom longer

e.Society pressure



ii.Group 2:

a.Ignorance

b.Lack of community support

c.Parents

d.Finances

iii.Group 3:

a.Lack of knowledge

b.Parents

c.Expectations too high

d.Traumatic experiences

iv.Group 4:

a.Education

b.Too Picky

c.Financial

d.Family

e.Obligations

v.Group 5

a.Parents

b.Education

c.Financial

d.High Expectations

e.Lack of social events

vi.Group 6:

a.Financial

b.Responsibility

c.Arrange marriage/preference bride

d.Education

e.Western Values

vii.Group 7:

a.Culture

b.Fear

c.Community Pressure

d.Unrealistic expectations

e.Parents

viii.Group 8:

a.Finances

b.Education

c.Parents

d.Right Match

e.Culture





Why women are delaying marriage?





ix. Group 1:

a.High Expectations

b.Bad Experience

c.Fear of confrontation

d.Education

x.Group 2:

a.Self Sufficient (mistrust)

b.Finding someone with Islamic values

c.Culture

d.Not feeling prepared

e.Fear of Marriage

xi.Group 3:

a.Education

b.High Expectations

c.Lack of Islamic Knowledge

d.Culture

e.Fear of Ideal Muslim

xii.Group 4:

a.Need to feel secure

b.Concept of Marriage and all entailments

c.Parents

xiii.Group 5:

a.Culture

b.Generation Gap

c.Ideal match

d.Expectations

e.Stigma of Marriage

xiv.Group 6:

a.High Expectations

b.Not enough resources

c.Can not afford marriage

d.Many married outside the religion.

e.Age defines maturity.

xv.Group 7:

a.Education

b.Culture

c.Experience

d.Not ready responsibility

e.Imitation of non Muslim

xvi. Group 8:

a.Education

b.Responsibility

c.Family

d.No social event to meet people.

e.Lack of understanding of marriage (Islamic)





3.The real Love story.

a.Rasulullaah and Khadeeja

b.Rasulullah and Aaisha

c.Best of Women in Jannah

1.Assia

2.Mariam bint Imran, mother of Isa

3.Khadeeja

4.Fatima

d.Allah sent salaam from angel Gabriel to prophet (pbuh).

e.Died on her chest.





4.Main Concepts of Love Notes:

a.Learn

b.Appreciate

c.Respect

d.Rights

e.Obligations





Chapter 2:



The Earnestness of Love


Surah An-Nissa 4:1



1.Status of Family in Islam

a.Family Life: Basic Principles

i.Treat them kindly like they are your prisoners.

ii.You had intercourse with them lawfully.

iii.Social contract.

iv.Contract between you and other people.

v.New relationships

1.In-laws

2.Children

3.Uncles/Aunts

4.Cousins

5.Grandparents

vi.Faith and family

vii.Selection

1.Responsibility starts before marriage.



b.Structures and Rules

i.Mahar/Dowry

1.Obligations

2.Marriage is permanent union.

ii.Closet fold of marriage

1.Husband wife

2.Children

3.Grandparent

iii.Central fold

1.blood =uncle/aunts nieces/nephews

2.Farther, mother in-law

3.Breastfeeding

iv.Outer fold

1.Cousins and children's

2.In-laws

v.Position of Man

1.Supervisor in the family.

2.Man reasonability outside the house.

3.Internal discipline of the family.

vi.Position of the Woman

1.Major responsibility within the family.

2.Oldest woman is the center of the family.





c.The Family and Society

1.Social order.

2.Good Muslims in society.

3.People should commit their life to faith and religion.







2.History of Marriage:



a.Marriage: The Definition

i.Civil Contract between a man and woman (common law marriage).

1.Man loses bachelors degree, woman gains master degree. (metaphor)

ii.ISLAMIC definition: "A Contract that results in the man and woman living with each other and supporting each other within the limits of what has been laid down for them in terms of rights and obligations."

b.The First Marriage "Adam & Eve"

i.They were considered husband and wife in the Quran.

ii.Procreation started on earth, not in jannah.

c.Marriage before Islam

i.Marriage should be a strong covenant.

ii.Allah will hold you accountable for your actions towards your spouse.

1.(Search marriage before Islam on forums.almaghrib.org)

iii.Orthodox Jewish culture uses the same concept as Islam.

iv.Aisha said

1.Barter trade (trade daughter/sister for wife without consent)

2.Contract for group sex. (Intercourse with a group of people)

3.Prostitution

4.Man proposes to lady such as the way in current Islam.

d.Polygamy or Monogamy?

i.Marriage should be monogamous marriage.

1.Adam was married to one wife. ( Allah created one man and woman)

ii.Prophet (pbuh) had more than one wife.

iii.Plural marriage in general, polygamy.

iv.Islam is up to 4 wives.

e.Heterosexuality or Homosexuality?

i.Opposite sex.

ii.Started with the people of Lut.

iii.Heterosexuality is the default norm.



3.Islam and Marriage

a.The messenger of Allah, sal Allahu alayyhi wa sallam said: ...."And I marry women. Therefore, one who shows disinterest in my Sunnah is not from (my true follows)

i.Islam and celibacy

1. Not Islam.

ii.The definition of legal marriage

1.A contract that results in the man and woman living with each others and supporting each other within the limits of what has been laid down for them in terms of rights and obligations.

iii.The purpose of marriage

1.Fulfill desire.

2.Seeking pleasure Prophet (pbuh).

3.Procreation

4.Seeking the intercession of our righteous child.

5.It's a protection from evil.

6.To free time from responsibility from life.

7.Self struggle. Mujahidrid el Nafs.

iv.The ruling of marriage

1.Wajab; if person has the ability to marry, then marriage is wajab to get married and unlawful acts. (Fornication and Zina and Porn on the Internet)

2.Marriage considered haram in the case of a person who does not have the ability or certain he won't treat her properly.

3.It becomes mkaruh (diskliked) has the means to marry but feels strongly that he will not treat his wife properly.

4.If the person has the means to marry or doing unlawful if not married, then it's recommended. (mustahab)

5.It is recommended, you will get reward for it.

v.Marriage as an act of worship

1.Iman shafi states that it's not act of worship.

2.Majority scholars state it's an act of worship.

a.Example; Created Adam as a guardian/protector.

b.Command of Prophet (pbuh) to marry and must get married

c.Statement of prophet (pbuh), it's an act of charity.

d.Fulfilling desires in a lawful way, it's reward because it's haalal and lawful manner.





b.Characteristics of a Prospective Spouse

i. Desirable characteristics in a bride.

1.Property

2.Status

3.Beauty

4.Religion

ii.Desirable characteristics in a groom.

1.If somebody comes to you and you are pleased with his character and religion then marry him. If you don not, there will be discord on earth and widespread corruption"

iii.Importance's of Piety and Righteousness

1.–in the bride

a.Character

b.Religion

c.Fertility à Procreation

i.How do you know?

ii.Look at the family.

d.To be maiden.

i.Sets ground for future marriage.

ii.Don't compare relationships/marriage.

e.To be content.

i.Happy with what you have.

f.Beauty

i.In the eye of the beholder.

ii.No specific standard for beauty.

g.Age differences

i.Reasonable age differences.

ii.It's better for man to marry younger woman and woman to marry older man.

h.Inexpensive dowry.

i.The less the mahar to more barakah in this marriage.

1.Moral value

a.Hajj

b.Quran

2.Financial value

a.Cash

b.Car

c.House

d.Land

3.They will hate wives and in-laws.

ii.Some people put a value on their daughter.

iii.Make it simple and easy.

i.Don't accept a proposal, who does not pray, don't accept marriage.

2.–in the groom

[Jannah]

Day 2: Love notes; Islam and Love .



Marriage and Family Life



Selecting a Prospective Spouse

1.Preference of relative or non-relative?

a.Not haram and prophet married zainab.

b.Have advantages when it comes to family marriages.

c.Put preconceive judgments away.



2.Setting up family marriages, is it allowable?

a.Pre-arrange marriages.

i.Made permissible

ii.No specific ruling in Islam.

iii.No marriage should be done by force.

iv.Guardian by force.



3.Engagement by commissioning.

a.Appoints a person to setup an engagement.

b.Have the authority to perform the marriage contract if it's given.



4.Why is dating Haram?

a.It leads to zina.

b.Shaytan sits between a man and women if they are alone.

c.Should be a mahram between them.

i.Age of puberty at least 15 or older and male.

d.What you do during marriage is most important.

e.You have to go and see her and sit with her to ensure marriage last longer.

f.Does not mean that we are promoting blind marriage.



5.Matrimonial services, what is ruling?

a.It's acceptable as long as it's supervised.

i.Create online forum that facilitates marriage on a local level for all masjids.

ii.Engagement Ring

1.Pagan Customs and practiced under holy church

a.Haram since its done by the name of other than Allah's name. (I.e. the exchanging of the ring) For the woman it's ok but for man.

b.Engagement Ring

c.Wedding Ring

d.Suffer Ring





Procedure in Selecting a Bride:

    * The role of female family members.
          o Go to your farther or mother
          o Friends, peers, cousins.


    * Direct Proposal to a female, is it allowable?
          o How should men look for their wives?

i.Parents

ii.Sisters

iii.It's acceptable to a man to ask for female directly for marriage in Islam.

iv.It's acceptable for a man to propose to a widow but not directly during the IDA, 4 months and 10 days.



Procedure for a selecting a Groom:



    * The right of the woman to select her prospective husband.

i.Woman can seek a groom on her own.

    * Offering ones female family member to a righteous person.

i.Fiqh of Madhab of Abu Hanifa.

ii.It's acceptable for a father to offer her daughter to a person.

    * Direct proposal to a man, is it allowable?

i.Woman is allowed to propose to a righteous person.

ii.Culture takes influence and its haram, it needs to be Islamic correct.

iii.Dowry is you help her study and learn the Quran instead of monetary.



Looking at the Opposite Sex:

    * The ruling on lowering ones gaze.
          o Men and woman should lower their gaze and guard their modest and not display their beauty and not allowed to remove Hijab.
          o The eye is the gate to heart.
          o The eyes are to the gate to the heart that will fill your heart with intruders and viruses. Lower your gaze until you're ready to get married.
          o Lowering the gaze for men is more important when it comes to looking at other men.

i.Prophet (pbuh) and Aisha had their cheeks to cheeks when watching the Abyssinia.

    * Exemptions?
          o In court
          o Marriage contract to identify person.
          o Under age of puberty





Looking at one's Prospective Bride:



    * The legal ruling
          o It's highly recommended (mustahab).

i.Hadith re-enforces the idea of viewing woman without hijab.

    * Reason of permissibility
          o Identify physical attraction and emotional mental attraction.
    * Condition of permissibility
          o If you are serious about the marriage proposal, then woman can remove hijab.
          o The person is allowed to see her before proposal.
          o Must have intention of marriage of prospective spouse.
          o There is no time limit, let them talk about everything they want to talk about.
    * Procedure


Questionable Ways:

    * Sneak a Peak . NO!
    * Hidden cameras. NO!
    * Looking into a picture. NO! It's not permissible. It's HARAM! It's SLANDER!
    * Looking through the internet (ok with wali). YES!
    * Being in Privacy without a Mahram. NO!
    * Being alone in a public place without a mahram. NO!
    * Setting up a casual situation without her knowledge. YES!

a.If the marriage is Islamic legal, then it's allowable to consummate the marriage. Katib el kitab.



The Consequences of a Marriage Contract:

    * The kind treatment
    * The conjugal right 'enjoying the spouse's person.
          o The husband has the right.
          o The wife has the right.
          o The farther has the right.
          o Husband is responsible to financially support the wife.
          o Have the right and halal way to consummate the marriage.
    * The move to his residence
    * The dower.
          o She has the right to ask for the dowry.
    * Sustenance and spending.
          o Husband responsibility.
          o School is the farther responsibility.
    * The establishment of affinity. (unmarriageable)
          o Connection from previous marriage and mahram and in-laws.
    * The verification of the child's lineage.
          o If she get's pregnant.
    * The establishment of the inheritance right.
    * The right of obedience to the husband.
          o Husband has right to discipline his wife.
    * The right of husband to chastise his wife.


Chapter 3: Marital Rights

"And women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree (of advantage) over them. And Allah is exalted in power, wise." Al Baqarah 2:228



Women can't change their last name after marriage so she can keep her identity in Islam.



Gender equity in Islam:

    * Are men and women equal?
          o Words of mother Miriam and deliver a female.
          o Men and women are not equity.
    * Differences or preferences?
          o In some areas, men preferred over women. And in other areas women preferred over men.
          o Women are known for linguistic speaking. Women express her self through words. Men through actions.
          o Men cut argument short since does not know how to express him self.
          o Women gets emotional and cry's but still can talk.
    * The natural differences between man and woman.
          o Physiological differences
          o Emotional differences
          o Neurological differences


Rights and Obligations



    * Differences of rights or preferences?
          o Humanity and religion are equal.
          o We have the right to go jannah or jahnmam.
          o Right to education.
          o Right to own property in their name.
          o The best among you are the best to your family. (pbuh) Prophet Muhammad. First advocate of woman's right.
    * Rights and obligations in Islamic Law.
          o Inheritances right.
          o Guardianship. Not being a tyrant.
    * Equal rights & obligations between man and woman.
    * Different rights and obligations between man and woman.




The Rights of Spouses: Mutual Rights



    * Having the right to enjoy one another.
          o Men and women have equal rights to each other about sexual relations.
    * Treating each other in good manners.
          o Good manners. Don't call wife "shaytan".
    * Establishing the right of inheritance.


The rights of the husband.



    * Obedience
    * Remaining in the house, and leaving with permission.
          o Give general with permission.
          o Exclusive permissions

i.Come from work before get home.

    * Responding to his call when he calls her to bed.
          o Recognizing men and woman's need.

i.Need to be prepared for it.

    * Protecting his house in his absences.
          o Don't allow anybody in house that he dislikes.
    * Serving the husband.
          o Help with house duties and chores to help family.
          o Matter of custom and tradition.
    * Protecting his honor, children and wealth.
    * Being thankful to him
    * Chastisement
          o Right to discipline wife according to Quran.
          o Part of Fiqh of Love class.
          o Not a matter of beating or abusive.

i.Don't beat wife in awful manner.

ii.Those who use their hands are not good Muslims.



The right of the wife:



    * Treating her in a kind and good manner.
    * Teaching her the matters of the religion – worship.
    * Maintaining her chastity.
          o Right to ask for sex.
    * Financially maintaining her.
          o A woman has no right to give her income to husband even if she works. If she wants to work, then she is obligated to contribute to the household.


Sexuality in Islam: What is permissible?















From the life of Rasulullah sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam:



Rewrite Sahi buhkari from Arabic to English. J



    * Read the story of his wives, family, and legacy of the life of the prophet. (pbuh)
          o Was a man before a messenger? (pbuh)
          o His wives were human beings, not angle. Not perfect nature.

i.Wives divided in two rival parties. Not in a harmful way.

1.Lead by Aisha

a.Hafaz

b.Sophia

c.Sawda

2.Lead by Um Salam

a.Rest of wives

3.Gave an oath not to approach his wife sexually for 1 month. MAX is 4 month, its considered divorce.

          o Examples:

i.Wants to enjoy the time.

ii.Loves Honey so much.

iii.Was in iktikaf and ibada.

iv.It's allowed to see each other private parts such as showering together.

v.Use to give kiss while he is fasting and then goes to pray.

vi.People expect wives to people to be the most righteous.

vii.Treated your husband kindly is equal to do what men doing for the reward.

viii.Don't be strict with your wives if taking care of husband and family.

ix.Issue of intimacy:





Chapter 4: Marital Discord:



Marriage is about compromise.



1.Definition

2.Nushooz

a.Main aspect of marital discord.

i.Lack of agreement among person (husband/wife).

b.Rising up.

i.Each spouse transgresses and is hostile against each other.

ii.Feels that she is disengaging from the household.

c.Each of spouses has hatred for the other.

i.Treating each other in an improper manner.

ii.Disobey to make a point.

d.Surah Nissa ayah 34 and 128.

What Causes marital discord?



1.The different categories of marriage:

a.Traditional

i.Home maker/housewife

ii.Both believe to care for family, children and house is women responsibility.

iii.Women will not provide income for the house.

iv.Husband brings home the income.

v.If the husband helps around the house, it's a favor.

vi.Not an equal partnership.

vii.Man should not primarily parent.

b.Egalitarian

i.Both work and careers

ii.Not important in regards to parenting, household, and responsibility equally.

iii.Provide income and not sole responsibility for household.

iv.Man has to be active farther and household work.

c.Transitional marriage

i.Man has part of responsibility.

ii.Women has right to provide income.

iii.Women has right to pursue career.

iv.Believe in it but don't practice it.

d.Mixed marriages

i.One partner from overseas but wife is Egalitarian.

1.Green card/ wife.

ii.Man from here/ wife from overseas.

2.Break the silence (dangers of marital discord)



The shaytan is the number reason for marriage discord.



a.Always fight about rights and obligation.

b.Sexual problems

i.Men rate marriage satisfaction with sexual satisfaction.

c.Bargaining issues

i.Feels like living with a prostitute.

ii.Not use sex as a weapon.

d.Financial difficulties'

i.Different in terms of physical ability.

ii.Give what is enough, what is sufficient.

iii.Believe need to provide for family.

iv.Feel if wives are impendent, need to feel in need.

e.Premarital history

i.Compare to parent/previous spouse

ii.Don't compare yourself to others.

f.Who has the power?

i.Equal distribution of rights.

ii.Man should consult with his wives.

iii.An advice form umm salaama saved the Muslim ummah.

g.Raising child

i.Try to compromise.

h.Bargaining power

i.Marriage should not be based on this mentality.

i.Communication problem.

j.Expectations

i.High expectations

ii.Low expectations

iii.Be realistic

iv.If you like to help, then help.

v.Don't force things each other don't like to do?

k.Children and parenting.

i.Perfectionist

ii.Don't need brand name

l.Gate Keeping

i.Mom wants to raise family.

1.Anxious

ii.Husband work is his job.

1.Thinks its wrong and not your business.

m.Personality

i.Baby Boy husband

1.Oldest need to be taken care of.

2.Need wives around just like mom.

ii.Baby Girl wife

3.Marriage counseling in Islamic Law

4.How to solve the problem?

































Sisters for brothers:

Five loving actions


Group 1:



    * open communication
    * appreciative
    * being thoughtful (always think about her);
          o Calls saying salam allekium and saying I love you.
    * Be respectful
    * Joking around and playful




Group 2:

    * Protect from parents.
    * Appreciative even after two years.
    * To be empathetic (listen to them when they talk).
    * Showing affection. Holding hands in front of parents.
    * Take children to give wife alone time.


Group 3:

    * Have taqwa and fearful of Allah.
    * Romantic / sensitive
    * Loving to seek knowledge and implement together
    * Understanding / forgiving whatever they do.
    * Help around the house and raise children


Group 4:

    * Spend quality time
          o Just before you close door say "I love you"
    * Help around the house.
          o Service at home
    * Implement the Quran and Sunnah in all areas of life.
    * Share feelings and express feelings.
    * Getting surprise gifts and being thoughtful.
          o 50 cents chocolate

Group 5:

    * Quality time
    * Express feelings
    * Feeling included in life.
    * Respectful to me and love ones.
    * Mutual growth in deen.


Group 6:

    * Physical affection
          o Display public affection
    * Compliments
    * Interest in your life
          o Show sympathy
    * Respect her family
    * Generous


Group 7:

    * Love to follow sunnah
    * Prefer wife over the computer.
    * Being affectionate and caring.
    * Being committed farther.
    * Notice and compliment wife.


Group 8:

    * Help around house
    * Respect wife parents
    * Religious person.
    * Looking good
    * Take care of children.


Group 9:

    * Come home
    * Help with house work
    * Spend time together
    * Praising her/ notice her.




Brothers to sisters:



Group 1:

    * Help with religious duties
    * Quality time
    * Not using weakness, don't nag.
    * Feed the spouse.
          o Affection
    * Simplicity
          o Not to be materialistic


Group 2:

    * Beautify yourself
    * Intimacy
    * Smile
    * Playful
    * Obedient






Group 3:

    * Warm welcome
          o Don't nag.
    * Dressing up nicely at night.
    * Overlooking faults
    * Appreciate
    * Taken the lead in apology.


Group 4:

    * Satisfying physical needs.
    * Welcoming attitude.
    * Showing support on your side
    * Practicing Muslim
    * Obedience to husband




Group 5:

    * Smile
    * Nice greeting when came home.
    * Random act of affection.
          o Spontaneous
    * Nice prepared meal.
    * Beautify yourself


Group 6:

    * Respect parents
    * Beautify
    * Comfort/Smile
    * Encourage good deeds/ibadah
    * Dealing with kids kindly


Group 7:

    * Intimacy
    * Welcoming attitude
    * Beautify herself
    * Respect family
    * Good Food
















Language of Love

"We must be willing to Learn our spouses primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love. "



Love after the wedding....


    * Does marriage kill love?
          o Marriage should increase love if it was done properly.
    * Communicating love to your partner.
          o Understand the language of your spouse
    * Rationalizing love in martial life
          o Understand love as an action beyond feelings.
          o Romantic life does not last longer than 2 years.

i.Fades gradually after children

ii.Have to hang on

iii.Love happens by choice.

1.Compromise, help, adapt to new environment.


Understanding Differences

1.Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, by John Gray.

2.

a.When you are talking to wife, you are talking to a WOMAN.

b.When you are talking to husband, you are talking to a MAN.

c.Good understanding

i.Love him little and understand him a lot.

ii.Love her a lot, but don't try to understand her.



3.Understanding the different values

a.Power and authority

i.Obedience

ii.Men need to have that authority

iii.Don't marry a career woman,

1.The man wants to be in charge

2.Denying the man will enter in to hell.

iv.Speed, ability, and results.

v.When man talk, all listen.

vi.When woman talk, all talk and listen.

vii.Don't give instructions.

viii.When woman talk, they get tired, does not get data.

ix.Cheaper to bring a professional.









4.Crisis approach, and coping with stress

a.Men under stress:

i.Turned away from them for one month.

ii.Remained silent.

b.Woman under stress

i.Want to talk.

ii.Give suggestions.

iii.Wants to be in touch.

c.When sister complain, they just want someone to talk to.

d.When man upset, they want to be alone.



5.The power of motivation

a.What motivates men?

i.To feel someone that is need of them.

1.When someone is in extreme need of them, they give a lot but when little, they give little.

ii.If you don't need me, go look for someone else that needs me.

b.What motivate woman?

i.To be cherished.

1.Feel remembered

2.Want to know that you will stay with them forever.

3.Give them assurance.



6.Expressing feelings through different languages.

a.Men express feelings through actions.

i.When men are silent.

b.Women want to hear it, say you love me.

i.Verbal.

ii.Women talk, it's hard to focus.

iii.Women want someone to talk to.

7.Our emotional differences.

a.Men are like rubber bands.

b.Women are like waves.

i.Goes up and down.



Different Languages of Love!

    * Word of affirmation.
          o Jazaka Allah khairum is a reward.
          o Good word is an act of charity.
          o Surprising Kiss
          o Avoid judgmental words.
          o Say I love you from your heart, not just from your heart.
          o Don't demand, ask for it?
          o Offer something that is rewarding by words.
    * Quality time
          o Undivided attention.
          o Togetherness
          o Try not to solve her problem, just sympathize.
          o Enjoys the journey together.


    * Receiving gifts
          o Thoughtful gifts.
          o Exchange gifts.

i.It's not the value of the gift.

          o Most purchase gifts are flowers and post cards with chocolate.
          o Children give them chocolates.
          o For wife get flowers.


    * Acts of service
          o Help me
          o Be around
          o Take kids
          o Do it on your own accord.
          o Want equal time to rest.


    * Physical contact
          o Kissing

i.Kissing his children.

ii.Kissing wife.

iii.Give her space.

iv.Compromise

v.Don't put too much pressure on them.

vi.Timing

vii.Bodies are made for touching not for abuse.

          o Public affection

i.Haram

ii.Holding hands is ok

1.Whatever is culturally acceptable?

iii.Have to prove your love.

1.What you do after marriage.





















Sexual intimacy:

    * Sex in the Quran and the Sunnah.
          o Is it mentioned?
          o Yes, when Allah spoke about Adam and Eve.

i.When the man is on top of woman and gets her pregnant.

1.Surah Baqrah 2: They are like fertile ground for you and approach your wife in any position except anal sex which is haram.

2.The prophet stated that anal sex is haram and will be cursed. Sodomy is HARAM. It's a MAJOR SIN.

3.In the legal place, man approach women from different position. The ansar introduce to them

          o Forbidden action

i.Intercourse during menstrual period.

ii.Post birth.

iii.It has to be regular blood or period.

          o All actions are considered halal unless evidence proves haram.

i.Is Oral sex haram or halal?

1.Sunnah of the prophet (pbuh), stated go bite so and so private part.

2.Abu Bakr Sadiq, stated to go and clit.

3.Not of signs of good manner.

4.Oral Sex is permissible. The man to his wife and wife to her husband. It's not haram.

5.Might not be use to it, take it easy on them.

a.Don't force them in that act.

b.One step at a time.

          o As long as you take care of extra cleanness.
          o Mutual masturbation:

i.Man and wife

1.It's ok and permissible and feels the desire.

          o Foreplay

i.If a man has intercourse with his wife, don't move quickly. Let your spouse take your time, so give time such as foreplay.

ii.Men should you use the kiss, don't miss the kiss and the thigh.

1.Means to be satisfied before intercourse.

iii.Don't record yourself.

iv.Using mirrors, changing colors, candles, fantasize about it and they dress and the way they behave.

v.Role play is acceptable as long as they both agree on that.

vi.You can use profanity when you're having intercourse, it's acceptable.

          o During Hajj is not acceptable.
          o Fantasy is ok.
          o It's acceptable to rub against each other when on period.
          o The Abdel Aziz ibn Baz about oral sex.




Final Advice


How to win the heart of your wife?

How to win the heart of your husband?



Read Sahi Buhkari or Sahi Muslim



Make the Sunnah of the prophet part of your life.

Give time to your spouse.

Exchanging gifts

If you're not married, go buy chocolate to your sister.

Have one day exclusively for the whole family and a few hours for the family a week.

Don't make it a routine.





Umar ibn Khatab invented eighteen wise maxims for the people, among them in the following:









Hateful actions
Brothers towards the sisters
Group 1:

    * Not giving personal space
    * Denying intimacy
    * Comparing and complaining
    * Being suspicious
    * Not compliant to traditional values

Group 2:

    * Nagging
    * Disobey Allah
    * Putting me down
    * Not dress Islamic hijab
    * Slander

Group 3:

    * Don't nag
    * Don't compete with mom.
    * Don't spend excessively.
    * Five minutes means five minutes. (time management)
    * Don't be possessive






Group 4:

    * Mistrust the husband
    * Taking stresses out on husband. (should be welcoming)
    * Extreme house keeping or too dirty.
    * Disrespect husband
    * Bad comments about husband family.

Group 5:

    * Temper
    * Silent treatment
    * Not giving space
    * Being pushy
    * Nagging

Group 6:

    * Poor housewife.
    * Disobedient
    * Screaming at kids
    * Temper
    * Denying herself sexually.

Group 7:

    * Talking bad about in-laws
    * Not solving problems among couples
    * Doing things without knowledge.


Sisters think hateful actions from brothers


Group 1:

    * Short temper
    * TV, Internet
    * Not validating feelings
    * Comparing spouse to others
    * Being ego-centric

Group 2:

    * Giving priority to his family
    * Come home late.
    * Hiding the truth.
    * Delaying to fulfill his promise on purpose.
    * Praise other wives actions in front spouse.


Group 3:

    * Abuse
    * Negligence
    * Exploitation
    * Pride






Group 4:

    * Too much time to computer.
    * Being careless
    * Noticing what they do and not what you do.
    * Afraid to display affection in private.

Group 5:

    * Verbal abuse and
    * lying
    * arrogant
    * controlling
    * bad hygiene

Group 6:

    * Not communicating.
    * Controlling
    * Ignoring family and spouse
    * Too stingy in money and in time.
    * Not cleaning up after self.

Group 7:

    * Silent treatment
    * Family preference over wife.
    * Not appreciating wife.
    * Understanding difficult times in woman's life.
    * Ignoring the Sunnah.

Group 8:

    * Disobey Allah
    * Don't communicate
    * Bring stress from outside
    * Inconsiderate
    * Walk away during argument.

Group 9:

    * Leaving bathroom mess
    * Criticisms wife family.
    * Cutting off wife from family and parents.
    * Blaming wife for mistreatment of children.
    * When he interrupts her.


Always give feedback, just listen.



http://www.muslimphilosophy.com/haz...ngdove.html#ch1



















Questions on Exam:









    * Write about the contribution of Muslim scholars and their scholarly works to the "Theory of Love".
    * What is the ruling of love in Islam? How was it mentioned in the Quran and Sunnah? What lessons do we learn from that?
    * Rights and obligations are the most disputable area in a martial life.
    * How did Islam organize it between a husband and wife?